Dear Diary
by starsnuffers
Summary: Nate has anger issues. Jason tells him to keep a journal to vent in. With a famous mum, a blind dad, an overprotective brother, a stoner brother, and difficult life, what could one possibly write about? Nate lets you read his hilarious diary!
1. Dear Diary, I hate you

**Chapter 1**

**September**

**Saturday September 23**

**My bedroom**

**Noon**

Dear Diary,

I feel like a total pussy writing in you.

**12:05 pm**

Jason says I have to write in you. He said, "Nate, I got you a diary. I want you to write in it." So of course I was like, "What the fuck? I'm a guy, this is retarded." But he insisted and said, "Nate you have a lot of anger in you. This can help you."

**12:06 pm**

Me? Angry?

**12:07 pm**

Fuck him.

**12:12 pm**

Jason yelled at me for calling him a fag. He said, "Nate, you have to write in that journal." And I was like, "No way!" And so he said, "Even I have my own journal." So I said, "Fag."

And then he yelled at me.

And then he locked me in my room. Seriously. He locked me in my room. As in, I'm stuck in here. For the rest of my life.

Well, maybe not the rest of my life.

Just until "I get a reality check."

**1:33 pm**

Is it okay that I want to kill myself right now?

**1:35 pm**

I'm thinking of jumping out the window. Jason told me that until mum and dad get home my mum's European tour, he's still in charge of me. And that's that. Which means if I call him a "mean word" he locks me in my room.

Day count: one.

Really? One day? It feels like it's been at least twelve.

Maybe my nice brother, Shane, will let me out.

He's cool.

But sometimes I question his sanity.

**2:54 pm**

The more I look at it, that window looks more tempting with each passing second.

**5:42 pm**

Jason's uber pissed.

I jumped.

I broke my arm.

Here we are sitting at the hospital waiting for me to get a cast.

Only guess what? I broke my left arm, so Jason's still making me write in you, you damn diary.

Why couldn't I have broken my right arm?

Shane is getting mad at a vending machine. Apparently, it ate his money and he never got his skittles. Now he's pouting. Too bad so sad, Shane.

Shit.

Jason's called Mum and Dad. "Mummy? Oh, hey Dad. Oh she is? Tell her I said break a leg… or whatever. But, anyway… Nate broke his arm. We're at the hospital… That's what I said! Okay, I'll tell him. Bye Daddy." Then he turned to me and said, "Dad says you're an idiot."

Ha. Great.

**Sunday September 24**

**My Room. **

**Again. **

**3:00 pm**

Just woke up.

I decided to write in you, diary, because, well, what else am I going to do? Jason took away my laptop, cell phone, and TV. The only thing in this room is a bed, a lamp, and a Bible.

Really?

A Bible?

Come on.

Why do we even have a Bible anyway?

I picked up the Bible. Read a page. Got so bored.

That's the last time I ever pick up a book that has a zillion pages.

**4:12 pm**

Mummy called me. I got to actually leave my room and answer the phone in the media room. She said, "Nate, dear, I hope you're okay. Jason told me you jumped out the window. Why?" So I told her, "Well, Mumsie, Jason locked me in my room with a Bible." Then she started laughing.

Ha. Hilarious.

**7:15 pm**

**Dinner Time**

I got to go downstairs for dinner. Ate some McDonalds. Jason's too lazy to cook and Mum's personal assistant, Peter, is in Europe with her and Dad. (He usually cooks for us. Even though his food sucks, we eat it anyway.)

When is she coming back anyway?

I miss Mummy. She never locked me in my room.

So I got the news of the day from Shane.

Apparently, some kids in Haiti were doing this musical, only they jumped around a little too much and the whole building collapsed.

I'm going to Hell for laughing at that. I nearly shit my pants. They really brought down the house with their performance, eh?

School tomorrow.

I hate Mondays.

Who doesn't?

But guess what? Mum's coming home in two days! That means only two more days of Hell with Jason and then I'm a free bird!

**10:14 pm**

I should be sleeping. But I'm not. I'm sitting here writing.

I managed to go into the game room and checked my email. I had fifty-seven emails. Mostly from my cousin Penelope. I wrote to her, "Hey Penny. Jason grounded me. Get on instant messenger at noon tomorrow." Noon is when I have study hall and I get to play around on the computer.

I also managed to YouTube some stuff before Jason caught me and dragged me kicking and screaming back to my room. I called him a "donkey-raping shit eater" and he told me I was grounded for another week.

Too bad when Mummy comes home, it won't matter.

**Monday September 25**

**7:30 am**

It is officially way too early to be awake.

Who ever came up with two-day weekends needs to be shot.

I have a feeling that today's going to suck so bad.

**9:05 am**

I have no idea why, but I have a sudden strange compelling to write in you. Constantly. Mostly because my teacher, Ms. Tranny, is talking about DNA. Really, who gives a flying fuck? I sure don't.

The person next to me is picking his nose and acting like he just scratched it.

Ha. Yeah. I saw you. There's no hiding that.

And I'm pretty sure he ate a booger too. Or sniffed it at least.

Oh, shit I think she's

**10:52 am**

I'm in world history now. Ms. Tranny stole you from me. And then read you. And then gave me a detention. And then told me to "not write hurtful things in journals where other people can read it." And then gave me you back.

Ms. Tranny doesn't like her little nickname apparently.

Screw her. I'll just call her "China Town" instead like I used to.

**12:07 pm**

Penny didn't get online. So now I'm pissed at her. I really wanted to tell her about China Town.

**12:20 pm**

China Town emailed my parents. How do I know this? Well, first I got an email from mum saying, "Nate – read this letter from your science teacher! She's such a crazy bitch! It's hilarious! She sent it to Dad too." So I went onto Dad's email (You may be wondering how I know the password. Well, my dad is blind so I check his email for him.) and I read the letter.

It said something about how I'm disrespectful and how I have anger issues. Wait a second; is Jason not the only one who thinks I have anger issues?

You know what I don't understand? I've told all my teachers a million times that my dad is blind and can't read emails, but they still send him them.

**12:31 pm**

This kid Jess and his life partner David stole my French book. They started making fun of it. They keep looking at pictures with dialogue and saying different things instead. And it's all really hilarious, dirty stuff.

I hit them over the head with the book when they started writing in the book.

And then erased what they wrote.

**12:35 pm**

**Lunch Time**

I sat down at my lunch table with my friends. My friend Whitney is freaking out about some science project she didn't do. Luckily, I'm in regulars biology, so I don't have to do this… I think it's called "Killer Germs."

That's what it is. And everyone is freaking out about it. I heard someone say, "I hope whoever wrote this book dies of small pox."

I hope everyone dies of small pox.

**5:26 pm**

Jason picked me up late from school. Asshole. He said he'd get here at 4:15. It's almost 5:30 now.

Is that my shit mobile? Jason rolled into the parking lot with our disgusting old car. Don't ask why my mum still has it, because I won't have an answer. It's a blue mini van that smells like year-old diapers. And it looks like someone hit it with a baseball bat repeatedly.

I get in the shit mobile and say, "Jason, why are we in the shit mobile?" And he said, "Mum fired John." And I was like, "Why?" And he said, "She's crazy."

John is… well was … our limo driver.

So then I said, "Why didn't you pick me up in the limo?" And Jason said, "Because Mum won't let me." And I said, "Oh yeah. Cause you got high and crashed it. That's right."

**8:14 pm**

Mum called. She misses us. But she's coming home tomorrow morning! Hooray! That means Jason won't be in charge of me anymore!

Shane rolled on the floor like a manic. I'm starting to question his sanity.

**Tuesday September 26**

**Biology Class**

**9:12 am**

Mummy's home! I'm so excited! I texted her and she said she'll chat with me on Facebook at noon.

Heh. Someone wrote "fuck my pussy" on my desk and I almost died of laughter. They left a phone number, too. Maybe I'll call it.

Just kidding. That's gross.


	2. Still September

**Chapter 2**

**Still September**

Wednesday September 27

**9:00 am**

Just realized I never did my homework. Crap. Maybe I can do it really fast right now.

Screw it. A few zeros won't kill me.

**12:30 pm**

**Lunch Time**

I got my lunch and went to go sit down at my table. Right when I got there, I saw some unidentified young lad in my seat. So I kind of shoved him a bit. Only he didn't get the message, so I yelled "MOVE!" right in his hear. Only he didn't move.

I turned to Whitney and said, "Do you see this person in my spot?" And she said, "Yeah. That's Luc. He's my foreign exchange student brother type thing." I asked, "Where's he from?" And she said, "France. He doesn't speak English. I don't even know why he came to school with me. He just kind of followed me on the bus… Hey, you speak French. Maybe you can talk to him."

How sweet. A French lad is living with Whitney. And he stole my spot.

Oh, I talked to him all right.

I whispered harshly into his ear, "Get the fuck out of my spot or I will track you down and kill you with a sandpapery dildo" in French.

He moved.

**1:20 pm**

I've decided that one day I'm going to adopt a little Japanese girl.

**2:35 pm**

While I was putting away my instrument in band, Whitney asked me what I said to Luc.

I said, "I told him I wanted to be his best friend."

She frowned and said, "Well he cried when you left."

And I looked behind her and saw Luc there looking quite terrified of me.

So I said, "Fine. I'll be nicer." And then I said to Luc, "Hey Luc. Sorry I said I was going to kill you with a dildo. I hope we're cool now."

Luc said, "Nate, go fuck yourself."

I stood there quite shocked. "I'm sorry you feel that way," I told him.

Whitney asked me what we were talking about. I said, "I told him that when I lived in Canada, I went fly fishing."

Whitney looked at me funny.

**3:10 pm**

Luc and I have a very strange relationship. He hates me, but we feel strangely connected because I'm the only one in this school – besides the French teachers – that can talk to him. That's what I get for being a Canadian.

He's decided that he wanted to follow me around school instead of Whitney, so we went to my fifth class, French. Yes, I know I'm taking French. I have a good reason, too. GPA. I'm in AP French, which means I get a five point 'o' for one class. Even though it is only French two. I call it "retard French."

I introduce Luc to the class and they all say, "Bonjour!" My teacher talked to him and she translated to the class what he said. He talked about what it was like living in Paris, how schools are there, what he thinks about New Jersey, blah, blah, blah.

Luc sat down next to me in French and we chatted while our teacher talked.

I said in French, "So what do you really think about America?" And he whispered, "I hate it. I want to go back to France." So I said, "You're not alone."

And then we high-fived.

"I want to go back to Quebec," I told him. He said, "I want to go back to Paris. I don't fit in here." "People here are real assholes." "Yeah I realized that when I met you. I still hate you, by the way."

I stopped talking to him after that. And then I pretended to pay attention to what the teacher was saying.

And then I turned back to him and said, "You're a real asshole, you know that. Who doesn't forgive and forget?" "Well then you're an asshole too."

**4:11 pm**

In maths we had a sub. So my friend Laura and I decided to fuck with her. Laura speaks fluent Russian and so we decided that in the middle of the class, at exactly 4:10, we would both get up and start screaming at each other for no reason.

So we did.

I slammed my fist on the desk during an awkward silence and said in French, "Laura, I hope you know that I love kitties!" And so she got up and started yelling in her angry Russian voice. I ended up ranting on about kitties and started saying some lyrics to Lion King songs.

We were just about to get in our fake little fist fight then Luc had to ruin it.

"Nate, what the hell are you doing? Stop disrupting the class." he said.

And I said, "Stay out of it, Frenchie."

And he said, "You damn Canadian!"

And then he pushed me. And I pushed him back. And then Laura tried to stop us. Only I accidentally shoved Luc a little too hard and he flew into a desk and some prep screamed and ran away.

Luc got up and bit me. Yes, he literally bit me. And then Luc and me started screaming at each other in French again.

And I guess the sub got really scared because she asked a person who the French teacher was and then called her. And then my French teacher came down here and scolded us. She said in French, "You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Nate, you know better than to start a riot in maths class! Luc is a guest here at our school and you should behave, you troubled child!"

And then she slapped me on the wrist. And gave me in-school suspension.

I could have sworn I saw Luc stick his tongue out at me.

**5:30 pm**

I instant messaged Penny and told her what happened. She laughed at me.

**5:50 pm**

My French teacher emailed Mum. Mum got mad. Jason got mad and said, "Go to your room, you troubled child!"

I'm grounded again.

**9:22 pm**

I've decided I'm going to name my little Japanese girl "Enchantee." Or "Shaniqua."

Definitely Shaniqua.

**Friday September 29**

**5:59 am**

Had to wake up early for band practice. Stupid band.

When I went to the band hall, I saw Whitney sitting there with Luc. Apparently, Luc plays trombone so he practiced with us. He's actually really good.

Our band teacher, Mr. Prasifka, told me to tell him that he was too flat, so I said to him in French, "Push in your slide, you dumbass!"

**9:02 am**

On the way to first period, I got smacked in the head by a colourguard flag. I didn't have a chance to eat breakfast so now I'm starving.

**1:30 pm**

At lunch, Luc and I had to share a seat because we both refused to leave the table.

**4:15 pm**

Jason picked me up in the limo. I asked, "Mum let you drive the limo?" He said, "Nope. Don't tell her I drove it; she's at a rehearsal right now." "Just don't get high and crash it again." "That was Shane." "No, Jason, no it wasn't."

**6:20 pm**

Mum came home in a pissy mood. I said, "Hey Mum can you give me a Diet Coke?" She threw one at me and yelled, "I hope you choke!"

Then she started yelling at Peter, her personal assistant.

**7:05 pm**

Peter got his ass kicked. He didn't make Mum's coffee right, didn't feed the dog (or us for that matter), and he also pissed off some reporters from People magazine. So Mum swore a lot and then said, "Peter, you're fired!"

So Peter left our house, slamming our front door.

When he left, the whole house went into an awkward silence.

And then Shane farted.

**9:50 pm**

I'm scared for my life. Mum went on a rampage because she was so mad and she punched the wall, ripped up part of the carpet, broke a lamp, and killed a couple of flowers in the backyard.

It was actually kinda funny. She started swearing and then went outside, kicked a tree, and then ripped some flowers of out of their soil, shoved them in her mouth, and chewed on them a bit. Then she spat them out and ripped a branch off of one of our Aspen trees.

It was so cool. She was like the Hulk.

Saturday, September 30

**1:35 am**

I heard the front door open and saw Shane stumble in our house with Dad. Dad was yelling at him, "Shane! I can't believe you!" And Shane said, "You didn't get this mad at Jason when he crashed the limo!"

Shane got high. And crashed the limo. Just like Jason.

**12:45 pm**

I woke up early because I heard Jason yelling at Shane right outside my door. I went out there and said, "I'm sleeping, you assholes!"

I couldn't go back to bed, so I went into the kitchen to get some lunch.

Mum said to me, "Peter, make sure to get my dry cleaning and pick the kids up from school." I said, "Mum, it's Saturday. And I'm not Peter."

**1:06 pm**

I was just eating lunch when Mum came downstairs, iPhone in hand, and said, "Peter, did you get my dry cleaning yet?" She stopped walking and said, "Where's Peter?" And I said, "You fired him. Remember?"

She said, "Well when he gets back, tell him to get that photo shoot rescheduled for next Wednesday at three. I have an interview I can't get out of."

So I said, "Okay Mum. Will do."


	3. October

**Chapter 3**

**October**

Monday October 2

**8:08 am**

Dad told me to take the bus this morning. I laughed in his face.

**8:30 am**

Penelope picked me up for school. She said, "Why didn't you take the limo? Or get your mum to drive you?"

I said, "Well Mum had to take Shane and Jason somewhere – who knows where – and Dad wanted me to take the bus."

"That will be the day when you take public transportation."

**9:02 am**

Late for first period. Didn't do my biology homework. On the bright side… wait. Just forgot what the bright side was.

**11:23 am**

Just remembered what the bright side of the day is. Mum's CD comes out tomorrow and we're going to a party tonight! How fun!

But wait… Mum fired Peter. Peter was supposed to plan the party. This might not be so good.

**11:35 am**

Texted Mum. She said that she hired a new personal assistant. His name is Gregory and he's off getting the cake right now. Gregory, eh? Can't wait to meet this guy.

**1:42 pm**

I should be taking notes in French right now, but what's the point? I know all this, after all. Haven't seen Luc at all today. Maybe he went back to France where he belongs. Damn Frenchies always fucking up my day.

"Je le lui donne. " (That's what she said.)

Tell me what I just said and I'll give you a million loonies. Which is actually a lot in American dollars.

**2:01 pm**

I got that song "Without Love" from Hairspray stuck in my head. Now I want to watch that movie. Without love, life is like the seasons without summer…

**3:52 pm**

I've decided that the school day is too long. I still have one more class period today. Damn bitch ass motherfucker.

**4:22 pm**

I'm counting down the days until Thanksgiving… eleven days.

**5:30 pm**

Mum's freaking out because she's running late for her own CD release party. Gregory is running around, trying to get Shane in to a tux – he refuses to wear it, get dressed himself, get Mum's dress, and feed the dog. And by dog I mean my cat Pierre who weighs as much as a small Labrador.

What a great first day, huh? This is like his training for what's going to come in the next couple of months.

Gregory told me to "put a sock in it, twerp" when I asked him how his first day was going.

How rude.

Mum finally hired a new limo driver too – first a new assisant, now a new limo driver? She's on a roll! – and so we went to the party in style instead of in the shit mobile. And thank the great lord, too, because what would the paparazzi think if we rolled in there with our beat up light blue minivan and my Mum came out of our littered backseat?

**6:55 pm**

The party so far has been really fun, I must say. There are about a gazillion and one people here and I decided to sit in the corner in a table to write in you, you damn diary.

When we arrived, paparazzi and their flashing cameras and also some of Mum's fans mobbed us. I found out that people – get this – have Googled me and know who I am.

I ran into this one girl who said, "Nate! Nate Gray!" And so I said, "Yes?" And she said, "Nate! I Googled you! I love you!"

So I just smiled, waved, and walked away.

What a creeper.

**7:12 pm**

Walked around a bit. A bunch of people I don't know randomly started talking to me. It kinda creeped me out.

I did, however, run into this one girl. She was sitting in the back of the room looking very depressed despite the excitement of the party. So I sat down in a chair next to her and she sighed very loudly, so I said, "You look depressed."

She said, "I always am."

"Why?"

"Because Dad's a frikkin' movie star and never spends time with me anymore."

"My mum tells me that she hates me and thinks I'm useless."

"Sounds like it sucks."

"It does."

Then she looked at me and said, "You're Lauren's son."

"Yes. Yes I am."

She said, "My dad's a huge fan of her music."

"That would explain why he got invited to this party."

"I guess."

And then Penny came over to us and slapped me really hard on the face and said, "That's what you get for calling Jason a fag, you fag! He told me all about it! It's okay to mess with Shane, but when you mess with Jason… oohhh…." Then she walked away.

My cousin and Jason are like best friends. They're the same age, which I guess would explain it.

So I sat there, slightly shocked. "Wow."

The girl giggled a bit.

I looked over at her and said, "My cousin is a crazy bitch."

"I bet I'm crazier."

We had an awkward silence and then I said, "I'm Nate Gray. You?"

"Caitlyn Gellar," she said.

And I was going to get to know her some more, but then Gregory pulled me away and said, "Be with your mum, it looks good to the press."

So I was pulled away from the girl without getting her number first. Which sounds awful again, but when we were eating the cake with my mum's CD cover on it – which was scrumdidilyumptious, by the way! – I saw Caitlyn again and I went up to her.

I got her cell phone number _and_ her email! Score!

When she left – she had to leave early cause she and her dad were off to LA again – Penny came up to me, patted me really hard on the back – too hard, actually – and said, "Good job, little squirt. I'm glad to see you getting back out in the dating world again after that two-faced – literally – Miley-Hannah person."

So I said, "Who invited you anyway, Penny?"

**8:56 pm**

Still here at the party. Is it ever going to end? I will now resort to writing random things.

My life story (because, honestly, it's either I tell you my life story or fall asleep in this chair.):

I was born in a log cabin...

Actually, I was born in Canada in a hospital. I believe that it was snowing out, too. We lived in Canada for like a couple years, then moved to England because my mum's a diva and can't live in one country for more than a year.

So we lived in London while my mum was doing musicals there (Lion King was my favourite!) and my dad was flying planes (we owned our own private jet at the time which was fun.) Then we moved to America and lived in Texas - I don't know why Mum and Dad picked Texas of all places, but they did nonetheless.

So I was like the only one in my seventh grade class who had a British accent, so I was made fun of. Then we moved to Canada again and I went to an all-boy's private school. Which was a hoot. And then when my mum was on her fourth tour across the US, we stayed in Colorado for I think it was two days. Well my dad and I were driving around the Vail Village and then BAMMM!!!(Triple exclamation points for emphasis) some drunken guy hits us.

How great is that? So Daddeh went blind and had to quit his job as a pilot, and my mum canceled her tour and we ran off to... Montreal!! Whoo! And we kinda went in incognito for like a year (don't ask why we did, because I don't question Mum's motives) and then Mum went on her comeback tour and now Daddeh has his own limo driver. How fun! Now we live in the Beverly Hills of Texas - I voted for the REAL Beverly Hills but no-o-o-o - and I... write in stupid little diaries....

Don't know why I just wrote all of that.

**9:35 pm**

Feel like killing myself. I also feel like getting the hell out of this bloody tux and wearing some pajamas. Maybe I'll put on my little red feetie jimjams.

Don't tell anyone I just said that.

**11:42 pm**

I'm pretty sure that I've fallen asleep a couple of times. Penny has been keeping me awake by squirting water in my face.

I don't know where she got the water, nor do I want to know.

**1:05 am**

I think I've asked my mum more than ten times to take me home. Penny is still here with me and she's trying to keep me awake so I don't look like one of those people who can't stay up past midnight.

I'm one of those people, though, who does go to bed at eight.

**3:46 am**

There is a hump. It's around four in the morning. If you get past that hump, it's smooth sailing for the rest of the morning.

**4:09 am**

I am proud to say that I've gotten over the hump. Yes, we are still at the party. Mum is hanging out with all her pothead friends, and me and Shane and attempting to do the worm on the floor with Gregory.

Greg had a bit much to drink and so he's being all crazy right now.

**4:26 am**

I have such a horrible mum.

She might just be the worst mum in the history of the world.

Where is the child protective agency or whatever the hell it is when you need them?

My mum, yes, the one that shoved me out of her vagina to bring me into this world, just offered me some pot.

Does she not realize that I'm fourteen?

She and her pothead friends were all out in the ally way smoking, and I was standing there with them because Jason was asleep, and Gregory and Shane had passed out.

So there Mum was with her so-called "friends" smoking a joint.

Then she puked her guts out into a dumpster.

Great going, Mum. Can't wait to see that on the cover of People next week.


	4. Mid October

**Chapter 4**

**Mid October**

Wednesday, October 3

**5:58 am**

I had to be the responsible one since Mum was puking her internal organs out into a nearby trashcan, my eldest brother was sleeping, and mum's assistant – the one who was supposed to be making sure that Mum didn't do anything to jeopardize her career – was passed out with my under aged, drunken, pothead of a brother.

And my dad? Well, he ran off with some other chick. Probably won't see him 'till Saturday. At least.

So I had to call the limo guy and tell him we were in the back ally way and then I had to drag Jason, Shane, Gregory, and dearest Mumsie into the limo, then told the last few stragglers to go home.

I am so not going to school tomorrow.

**3:36 pm**

Just woke up. Went downstairs for lunch. Gregory was sitting at the table, drinking a cup of tea, and Shane was there too, only his head was down on the table.

I stumbled in and grabbed a bag of cheese-its. My cat, Pierre, was sitting in my spot, so I picked hit little fat ass up and set him down on the floor. He just kind of distributed his fat on the tiles. I munched on my cheesy little heart attack in a sack snack and Gregory said, "Oh, wow, what a headache."

I got up and got some tea and said, "Ah, Sir Gregory, this is why we do not get wasted and have to be dragged home by a small child."

Yes, I served him all right.

Then I went into the living room and saw Mum sleeping on the couch. So I sat on her and watched TV.

**4:12 pm**

Mum woke up when I was watching Grey's Anatomy. She went into her bedroom after saying, "Wow, what a night."

Monday, October 15

**10:26 am**

No school today. Well, no school for Shane, and me at least. It's Canadian Thanksgiving! Whoo!

Well sorry I haven't written in a while – don't kill me, but I kinda lost you. But nonetheless, there you were in the back of my limo! So it's all good.

Our whole family is driving down to Hell (AKA Texas) to come visit us and we're all going to eat dinner together.

My cousins should be arriving soon.

Any minute now…

**11:12 am**

They're still not here.

**11:30 am**

Any second now…

**12:35 pm**

Oh bloody Hell.

**1:53 pm**

Damn them.

**2:03 pm**

Doorbell finally rang. I was sipping some tea when Shane let Penelope and Armielle in. The both came into the kitchen where Gregory and I were sitting. And Penelope said, "You damn Brit, drinking that shit."

And so I said, "Would you like a cup of tea, my dear?"

"Nope."

"Well too bad. Drink the bloody tea, because I already got you a cup!"

So she said in a fake accent, "I don't want to drink the bloody tea!"

"Bloody Hell, drink the bloody tea, you bloody mother fucker!"

And then Armielle stepped in and said, "Would you guys shut the bloody fuck up?"

And I said, "Oh, don't step into this Armielle! Penny here doesn't want my bloody tea, and so she doesn't have to bloody drink the bloody, bloody mother bloody fucking bloody-"

Then Gregory said, "All right, children, settle down!"

And Armielle said, "Oh, hush hush, we were just having jolly good fun with our favourite little English cousin."

So then I bit Armielle on the arm and said, "Would you please not speak in that accent anymore? I'm the only one who's allowed to."

Armielle said, "I've started and I can't stop."

She's bloody pissing me off.

**3:20 pm**

Dinner's not until seven, so we have some time to kill. Well, we actually already killed it.

Penny threw me, kicking and screaming, into the pool.

**4:22 pm**

Grandpa and Grandma arrived. Grandpa said, "Nate, come 'ere." So I did. And he had me sit on his lap. Then he said, "Nathaniel, I'm going to teach you how to castrate a goat."

**4:28 pm**

I think I just died and came back to life.

I am Jesus.

I'm mentally scarred for life. I just cannot get that image of putting some rubber bands around the goat's ball sack and then…

E-w-w-w.

I'm going to try not to think about it.

It hurts just to think about that.

Ouch.

**4:36 pm**

Oh my gosh, I just thought about it again!

**5:02 pm**

Penny pushed me in the pool again. Mum and Grandpa laughed at me. So I flipped them off and they laughed some more.

What is it about parents laughing at your pain and suffering?

Am I the only one who has bad parents who laugh at my pain?

**5:17 pm**

Put on some dry clothing. My hair still looks like a wet poodle. Penny slapped me really hard in the face on accident. She was trying to do karate with Shane and right when I came downstairs, she whipped around, saying "HIYAAH!" and BAMM!!!

Armielle laughed her ass of and so did Shane.

**5:20 pm**

My homeroom teacher rang Mum. And I picked up the phone and said, "Âllo? Sylvie? Où vas tu?" because I thought it was my aunt's number that was calling.

And my teacher, Ms. Tranny, said, "What? Hello?"

"Oh, hi, Ms. Tran."

"Nate?"

"Yes?"

"Where were you today? You missed the unit test."

"Canadian Thanksgiving," I told her.

Then Armielle said, "Who is it?"

And Penny said, "It's China Town! It's China Town!"

So I swore at them in French because they just about gave away our secret names for my _favourite_ biology teacher.

There was an awkward silence on the phone. Then said, "Oh. Okay, well… happy Thanksgiving. May I talk to your mother?"

"Sure…"

So I went outside saying, "Oh, dearest Mumsie!"

And Mum, who was attempting to tan, said, "What? What do you want, you damn kid?"

And I said, "Phone's for you."

She said, "If it's those fucking reporters again, tell them NO."

"It's not."

"Who is it?"

And then Penny and Armielle chanted, "It's Tranny! Ms. Tranny!"

So Mum said, "Who the hell…?"

I shoved the phone up to her ear so she said, "Hello?"

Then I punched Penny really hard and she laughed. So I pushed her in the pool. Then she screamed, "What the fuck, Nate? I'm on my period!" Then she got out of the pool and picked me up, and threw me in.

How many times have I been pushed in the pool?

**5:57 pm**

Oh _merde_, I just lost the game.

**6:30 pm**

Right when I got out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, Penny said, "Nate. Where are your tampons?"

I went back into the bathroom and locked the door.

Then she knocked on the door again and said, "Nate, I know you're keeping them hostage in there! Don't lie!"

Yes, Penny, I'm keeping them hostage and you can't have any.

She said, "I will wear your pants and get awkward blood stains in them, you know I will!"

And I know she's completely serious, so I opened the door and said, "Penny, I don't have any tampons."

**6:40 pm**

Gregory ran off to the story to get some tampons for Penny because we obviously don't have any at our house.

**6:42 pm**

Penny's wearing my favourite trousers right now. That little skank.

**6:45 pm**

Just realized Dad's not here. Nor has he been here for the past two weeks.

**6:47 pm**

Oh well, he's not a real Canadian anyway, so it doesn't matter.

**6:53 pm**

Aunt Sylvie just arrived. Well, better late than never.

**7:02 pm**

We all sat down at the dinner table. Shane and Jean-Luc were running around hitting each other with pool noodles, so Grandpa said in his best scary old man voice, "Sit your asses down, you crazy hooligans!"

They both dropped the foamy bats of doom and sat down at our exquisite dinner table.

You don't mess with Grandpa. He can castrate things.

**8:15 pm**

Just finished dinner. All of the kids are sitting in the media room and we're watching the Ring Two. I find it quite hilarious because we're watching the German version of it – Jean-Luc, despite his Canadian-ness, only speaks German and he threw a huge fit over it.

Penny almost died at dinner because she choked on a green bean and Grandpa had to do the Heimlich maneuver on her. It was so scary.

I was for sure that Shane would be the one to get hurt.

**8:17 pm**

Did you know some German dude made up the Heimlich maneuver? Who the hell goes around Heimliching people to figure out a way to stop people from choking?

Sounds pretty fucked to me.

**10:05 pm**

Shane is danger.

We were jumping on the trampoline, and Shane said, "Let's play 'don't break the egg!'" So we did. And Armielle was the egg. Only Shane was jumping really high and he fell onto the safety net, causing it to tear, causing Shane to fall to the ground. (Some safety net, eh?) And then we had to go to the hospital because he got the wind knocked out of him and couldn't breathe until Penny slapped him really, really hard on the back.

Oh, and I got a new cast for my arm since mine was soaking wet and gross.

What an amazing Canadian Thanksgiving. Can't wait for next year.


	5. Late October

**Chapter 5**

**Late October**

Wednesday, October 17

**5:35 pm**

Okay, so get this. I had to make this DNA model for biology out of that foamy clay stuff. So I was shaping it, and I made it look like a penis. So I go over to my mum, who was cooking something, and I said, "Hey, Mum, I made you this." So she takes it and says, "Oh my god, is that a penis?!" And I burst out laughing.

Then she makes it worse by saying: "Put it back in the bag so it doesn't get hard!"

I laughed so much I fell on the floor and started crying.

Thursday, October 18

**7:31 am**

I don't want to get up. It's too early.

**8:52 am**

Crapity crap crap. Didn't turn in that goddamn penis project I made. Well, it doesn't look like a penis now, it looks like DNA, but you get it.

**4:30 pm**

Waitin' outside. La, la, la. I'm waiting outside. Waiting for someone to pick me up.

**4:35 pm**

I have the craziest song stuck in my head. When I lived in England, I had to learn this song in school and it was called, "I Must Have Tea."

**4:36 pm**

You're not British if you don't dip in your biccies. You're not British if it's cookies that you dip. Bless the choices that we have, they are so varied…

**4:38 pm**

You know what you do when you have a song stuck in your head? Stand up and go:

"Womanizer, oh! Womanizer, you're a womanizer baby! You, you, you are… you, you, you are… womanizer, womanizer, womanizer!"

**5:15 pm**

I think my whole family has forgotten about me. I've waited for an hour, phoned at least ten times.

**5:20 pm**

Thinking of walking home. But I'm too lazy to do that.

**5:23 pm**

This is fucking ridiculous.

**6:22 pm**

It's been another hour. I finished all my homework. It's starting to get dark now. Oh goddamn that Tea song is stuck in my head.

Wondering why no one picks up their bloody phones.

**7:17 pm**

Oh. My. Lord.

Phone just died.

**11:11 pm**

Ha! Make a wish!

I wish I could go home now.

(Insert sad face here.)

Good god, they have forgotten about me.

**11:20 pm**

Hooray! Jason finally came! Yes! I got in his car and glared at him. He looked extremely upset. So I said, "So, Jason, why did you pick me up past bedtime?"

He said, "Nate, Mum and I need to talk to you about something really important when we get home."

Shit. Sounds bad.

**12:01 am**

Shit bitch ass motherfucker.

Okay, so get this. Shane apparently didn't go to school and instead he got high and drunk and then went driving and crashed into some pregnant lady.

And he killed her.

Yes, I am now the brother of a murderer.

I can't even begin to explain how much I want to murder Shane's ass right now.

He killed a _pregnant_ woman. As in a woman and her unborn fetus.

That's bad. That's really bad.

I have a sudden urge to break every bone in Shane's body, then cut his legs off with a spork and then feed them to some sharks. Then I want to poke his eyes out with really sharp, hot toothpicks and take his brain out through his nose with a rusty fishing hook so it really hurts. And if he's still alive, I want to stab him with some car keys until he dies. Then I will yell, "Yeah, that's what you get you little cunt bucket!"

Wow, that was really graphic.

Well he's in "critical condition" at the hospital right now. We're going to visit him tomorrow… er, today. Whatever.

**12:06 am**

I've decided not to go to school tomorrow. This whole thing was on the local news and we all know it was my crazy-ass-son-of-a-bitch-bastard brother who killed that person.

I don't ever want to show my face in this town again.

**12:19 am**

"Hey, Mummy, can we move to Mexico?"

**3:58 am**

I can't sleep. This whole situation is eating me alive. I went online and of course in the entertainment section of the Yahoo news it said, "Lauren Grey's Son Kills Pregnant Woman!"

**4:00 am**

I think the whole world hates my family for what Shane did. I yahoo answered our name and a lot of people were bashing us.

**4:05 am**

My mum is so unbelievably pissed right now. I went downstairs when I heard screaming and glass shattering, and I saw Gregory hiding in the corner and my mum was throwing every glass we own on the kitchen floor.

I put on some shoes and then grabbed my mother and pulled her outside. I then looked outside and saw her grab our chainsaw and hack away some bushes.

Gregory ran off into his room, screaming, and he locked the door and said, "That lady is mad! I'm leaving in the morning!"

Hey, I can't blame him. I'd leave too.

Jason came downstairs and his eyes were red and puffy like he had been crying. Without one word, he hugged me really tightly, kissed me on the head, and then left in his car.

Even Pierre has gone in hiding.

Anne Frank cat.

And where the bloody hell is my father?

My whole family has gone mad.

Me? Well I'm more of a passive aggressive person. I'm sure I'll crack eventually.

**6:30 am**

My mother has pulled a Britney. I'm being serious. She shaved her head. Now she's balder than my band teacher, Bald Fuck.

Oh my god. This is just… oh lordy.

**7:15 am**

Dad came crashing into our house saying, "Who the fuck let Shane drive drunk?" Right when Dad came home, Gregory and his three suitcases high-tailed it and he shot out of the door like you would never have believed. I didn't know that guy had it in him to run that fast.

Mum was locked in her bathroom crying uncontrollably and I was sitting there in the game room watching E! news. Of course, we were on it.

When Dad came into the room, I smiled, waved, and said, "Oh hey Dad where have you been for the past month? Nothing much happened when you were gone. We had Thanksgiving, Shane almost died on a trampoline… oh, and your son is now a murderer."

He said, "Where's Jason?"

"Ran away."

"When?"

"A couple hours ago."

"And your Mum?"

"Shaved her head. She's now locked in the bathroom. But we've been fine without you, thanks for asking."

I am such a passive aggressive asshole.

**7:42 am**

Mum is still crying. Jason is still missing. Dad is still pacing the floors of the house waiting for something to happen. Pierre is still… really fat.

**7:50 am**

I tried calling Jason, but I got his voicemail every time. Then I saw his phone on his bed and mentally flicked him off. I emailed him but then realized his laptop was still on his desk, so I mentally flicked him off again. Damn you, Jason, damn you.

**8:40 am**

I dozed off for a bit but then woke up again when Mum came into my room, balder than Bald Fuck, and cried into my really fluffy pillow. I put my head on her baldy head and said "There, there, Mummy. You're not that ugly with your baldy bald-ness."

She started crying even harder and then said, "Great! Now I'm ugly too!"

I said, "I'll go get you a pink Britney Spears wig today, kay?"

**9:52 am**

**And Then The Paparazzi Came**

Paparazzi are here. They mobbed our house, trying to take pictures of Mum's baldy head. I closed all the blinds in our house and locked all the doors. They all kept yelling at me and knocking on the windows, trying to get me to spill the beans.

I finally did open one of the windows, and they all flooded me with questions. All I said was, "I don't know." Then closed the window and blinds.

They should mind their own beeswax.

**1:12 pm**

Those damn people finally left. I went outside in a hat and sunglasses and bought Mum a luscious blonde wig and a pink bob wig. Just for fun. I also went to the bakery and bought some fresh bread. After I dropped it off at home, I headed over to my school.

I knew that our band – which included my friends – was practicing on the marching field. When I went there, my band teacher (not Bald Fuck, but the other one; Mr. Davis) noticed me and said, "Nate?"

I shushed him and whispered, "I'm not here."

He looked confused, so I said, "I need to talk to Whitney. Huge family emergency."

And he said, "Why aren't you in school?"

And I said, "Because my mum looks like Mr. Prasifka."

Then he looked over at Bald Fuck, very confused like.

I handed him my iPhone with the front page news of Yahoo up.

Then he nodded and I went into the band hall. He pulled Whitney aside and when she got in the room, I took of my disguise and said, "Oh my god, Whitney!"

She said, "Oh my god, I know! I heard it on the news. What happened?"

"My mum shaved her head and Jason ran away."

"Did he say where she was going?"

"No, that's why I said he ran away!"

"Wait, your mum pulled a Britney?"

"Yeah! She looks like Bald Fuck!"

I then looked over and saw Mr. Davis creepin', so I said, "Um, excuse me! You're not part of my family crisis!" So he pretended to not be listening and shuffled some papers around, but we knew he was listening.

Whitney then pulled me over to the corner and said, "Wait, so your mum went mad?"

I nodded so she said, "Holy crap. You think the paparazzi know?"

"I know the paparazzi know."

"How? Was it on E! tonight?"

"No, they came to my house."

"Shit!"

"Yeah I know."

"You didn't say anything, did you?"

"No."

"Good… so what are you gonna do now? I mean, you didn't come to school so this must be really big."

"Yeah. Shane's still in the hospital, Dad finally came home, and Mum broke everything in our house. She went crazy. It was so crazy I was thinking of calling nine-one-one."

"But you didn't, right?"

"No, do you think I'm retarded? If the media found that out… shit."

Whitney looked speechless. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

I nodded. "Yeah, can you visit me at the hospital right after school?"

She said, "Yeah."

Then all of the band started coming and so I said, "Sorry, I gotta go. I'll so you then!" I put on my hat and sunglasses and ran out of there as fast as Gregory.


	6. And The Crisis Worsens

**Chapter 6**

**And The Crisis Worsens **

**Friday, October 19**

**4:32 pm**

I waited outside the hospital for Whitney and when she came, we both went inside. I asked for Shane Gray and since I was still wearing my disguise, the lady at the front desk wouldn't believe that I was his brother. So I told her what his blood type was, and she let us go see him.

Actually, I don't know his blood type. I guessed. (Who the hell knows their brother's blood type? I don't even know my own.)

When I saw him, he was asleep. I stood there with Whitney, silent. Then I grabbed Whitney's backpack, took a textbook out of it, and slammed it down really hard on Shane's head.

He woke up and screamed, "What the eff?!"

Yes, he said 'eff.'

I said, "You little jack-ass murderer."

Shane then rubbed his head and said, "You little pain in the ass."

"You killed someone!"

"Yeah… I know…"

"I can't believe it! I mean, I always knew you'd bring home drugs and porn… But you killed someone. That's crossing the line there, Shane."

Then he stayed silent.

So I said, "You know that Mum went crazy, right?"

"Huh?"

"She shaved her head."

"She pulled a Britney?"

I looked back and saw Whitney nodding. She said, "Yeah, she shaved her head and looks like our band teacher! And it's all your fault, you little-"

"Calm yourself, Whitney. This is my situation." I turned back to Shane and said, "Jason disappeared."

Shane gulped.

"Gregory ran away screaming."

Shane then laughed.

"It's not funny!"

"Yeah, I always knew Greg was a pussy."

"Back to the point – I hope you feel awful, because of what you did and how our whole family is falling apart… but you can't go to jail."

"Yeah jail sounds like fuck."

"We've gotta run away. To Mexico."

Then Whitney yelled, "MEXICO?!"

I turned around and said, "Well, he obviously can't go to jail for a zillion years."

Shane raised his eyebrows. "And we're going to Mexico now?"

"Yes, of course."

"Why Mexico?"

"Because we have to drive somewhere! We obviously can't fly because someone will see us!"

"Well why not Canada?"

"Too far away. We need a quick escape."

"Really? Mexico?"

"Oh, shut up about it!"

"But I don't want to go to Mexico…"

"Well then you can go to jail, fine."

"Ugh, fine. Mexico."

Whitney then grabbed me and said, "Wait, are you being serious?"

I nodded. "This way we can start over."

"As Mexicans?" she asked. "I'm not getting this whole reincarnated as a Mexican thing."

Then Shane said, "Umm, Nate, how exactly are we going to get me out of here without someone noticing?"

I thought about that for a moment. Then I saw a window. So I said, "We'll pull a Little Miss Sunshine."

"Huh?"

"We'll sneak you out through the window and then we go off to Mexico!"

**6:12 pm**

Plan Little Miss Sunshine is a go.

Mum agreed to the plan. Dad said, "You all are crazy!" Then ran off somewhere.

Fine then, Dad, I guess you won't go to Mexico with us.

**11:49 pm**

We're in the rental car off to Mexico right now.

The plan was a success.

Although, I'm not sure why no one caught us. It was kinda obvious.

Whitney and I were in Shane's room, helping him out the window, and Mum was in the car. She then shoved Shane in the trunk of her car and Whitney and I calmly went outside, pretending like nothing happened. We got in the car…

And now we're off to Mexico.

**12:02 am**

We turned back. I was thinking of random things then screamed, "Holy shit, we forgot Pierre!"

Only too bad for us, when we went back to get Pierre, someone caught us and poo.

Plan Little Miss Sunshine is epic fail.

Shane was sent back to the hospital… and Mum, Whitney, and I got a really long lecture from some police officers. Then Whitney went home and Mum and I went back to our house, baldy head and all. (She left her wig in our get-away car.)

**12:06 am**

Fail. That was… that was the definition of fail right there.

**Saturday, October 20**

**Noon**

Unbelievable.

This is. Just. Unbelievable.

I stood in my kitchen in a silent shock (no, not because Mum is balder than a… something that's bald, but of something else.)

Mum bailed him out.

Mum bailed Shane out of jail.

I don't know how she did it, but I guess she used her super-celebrity powers to do it.

She fought the law. And you know what? She won.

She cheated at the game and she won.

Unbelievable.

He has house arrest, but still. No jail.

Shane is… Paris Hilton.

**Noon o' five**

Well, he's still almost dying in the hospital. Like he ripped or tore something or other jumping out of the window and laying in the trunk of the car and started barfing up blood or something.

Who knows?

**Noon o' seven**

Yuck. Blood.

**Noon thirty**

Oh my god, speaking of blood…

So I was in my room, heading over to my bathroom, and I stepped on a thumbtack.

So there I was, screaming, "OH BLOODY HELL!" And Mum yelled, "Keep it down, will ya?!" And so I said, "Woman, I just stepped on a thumbtack!" And she said, "Too bad, asshole!"

I love my mum.

**Noon thirty-one**

I won't stop bleeding. I'm gonna end up in the hospital with Shane. Maybe I have that weird disease where if you like get one little scrape, you bleed to death and die.

**Noon thirty-five**

It hasn't stopped bleeding… maybe I do have that disease.

**Noon forty-five**

I went downstairs and said, "Mum, where are the plasters?"

And she handed me a napkin and some duct tape.

Wow. Just wow. All I can say is wow.

**3:20 pm**

My duct tape came off.

**3:21 pm**

There is some thread and a needle over there. Maybe I should just sew myself back up.

**3:26 pm**

Tried sewing myself back together. It didn't work. It just hurt a lot and made me bleed even more.

**3:40 pm**

Shit, son of a bitch.

**3:45 pm**

Good. I finally stopped bleeding. I am now cured.

**4:12 pm**

I think I'm the happiest person alive right now.

You will never believe this. So remember that chick, Caitlyn that was at my mum's CD release party? Well she rang me. She phoned me! I was so excited that I stood on my head. Only my neck started hurting. So this is what our conversation was like.

Me: "Hello?"

Caitlyn: "Hey, Nate, it's Caitlyn? Remember me?"

Me: "Of course."

Caitlyn: "I just called to say that you are the coolest person ever. You are so much cooler than all the cucumbers in the world."

Me: "Aww, why thank you. You're pretty awesome."

Caitlyn: "Anyway, I'm going to be heading over to Texas tomorrow while my dad films some movie there if you want to chill."

Me: "Ok. When should we meet?"

Caitlyn: "Right now! You're so hot!"

Well, she didn't exactly say that. But it was close.

**6:22 pm**

Mum took me out to dinner. She didn't wear her wig, but she did wear some sunglasses and a hat, so no one noticed her.

Personally, I wanted her to wear the pink wig I bought her, but she claims that it's 'too Britney Spears. Next thing you know, she'll be hitting Dad's car with an umbrella.'

I told her that we don't have umbrellas.

And she told me to go fuck myself.

But when we were there, the most hilarious thing happened. Right as we were leaving, Mum said, "Oh, I gotta piss." So she went off to the restrooms.

I followed her cause I had to pee, too, only Mum went into the men's restroom!

I went in there and I was like, "Mum, this is the men's restroom!"

And she said, "Fuck you! I don't believe you, you damn kid!" And then she looked at the urinals and ran out.

I laughed like a loon and everyone in there stared at me.


	7. Will October Ever End?

**Chapter 7**

**Friday, October 24**

**9:24 pm**

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I have a lot to talk about.

So first off, Caitlyn just left for LA today.

Insert sad face here.

But we had so-o-o-o much fun on our dates.

Yes, dates.

With an 's.'

As in plural.

More than one.

That's what plural means if you didn't know.

We went to the mall, and the movies, and out to dinner.

And she totally wants my cock.

**10:59 pm**

Shane is coming home tomorrow.

**2:44 am **

I should probably tell you what's been going on at _chez_ Grey, yes?

Well the paparazzi is stalking us. They all want pictures of Mum's baldy head. She has a bit of fuzz growing back, but she's still a bald eagle.

That was a lame metaphor.

My aunt ordered some Happy Hippos for me from Germany. If you don't know what a Happy Hippo is, you deserve to be shot.

I still haven't gone to school in about a million years. Mum's publicist advised me not to go to school because of people who want to fuck with my mum's image… I don't know what that has to do with me, but hey, no school.

Fine by me.

Dad's still not home.

Jason's still missing.

And as much as I hate Jason, I really miss that kid. He always knew what to do in situations like these.

If he's not back by next week, I'll go out and look for him.

**Saturday, October 25**

**8:35 am**

Woke up early for once.

Practiced my trombone.

**8:39 am**

I was looking through some piles of crap and saw a birthday party invitation. Too bad it's for a little kid. But I like little kids so it's okay. It's for my dad's best friend's little daughter. I guess I'll go…

**8:53 am**

Whitney called me. She needed a ride to school.

I said, "Sorry Whitney, but I'm not coming back to school."

She groaned and said, "Oh my god, he's not coming." And then hung up.

And I heard some other people in the background.

She didn't need a ride. It was one of her crazy ideas to make me come back to school somehow.

**9:23 am**

Went out to check the mail and the craziest bitch ass motherfucking thing happened.

So there I was just walking down my driveway in my super-cool shades and awesome backwards baseball cap and then I feel someone grabbing my leg and pulling me down to the ground. So I fell down to the ground because I tripped, and I was dragged over to a bush.

And there was this hobo guy there – hiding in my bush –and he said: "Please spare some change."

And I was like: "Okay, okay!" Cause I didn't want him to like kill me, right? And so I threw a fifty at him and got up and ran.

And I got the mail.

And stayed clear of that bush when I went back inside.

**9:34 am**

Locked myself in my bedroom.

I have this insane fear that the hobo hiding in my bush is gonna come and kill me. I mean, I gave him fifty bucks, so he should be happy – for now.

But what if he wants more money?

Then he'll climb up the side of my house and come through the window and take his knife and cut me!

Fuck!

**9:35 am**

Locked the window.

**9:45 am**

Pierre scratched me.

Only cause I kinda accidently stepped on him when I went downstairs.

But I mean he was sitting right in the walkway.

**11:42 am**

Shane's officially home.

He's sitting on our couch, watching football and eating ice cream.

**11:43 am**

Mum called me into her room, so I went.

She told me about her plan.

Yes, she has a plan.

"I want to make a comeback," she said.

"Like a Britney?" I asked.

She shook her head and said, "No. Better than a Britney."

"What could be better than a Britney comeback?"

"Well first I gotta go back with a bang. We gotta plan this all out. Get some paper."

So I got some paper and a pen and wrote down when we were talking.

"Well," she started, "I want to get drunk."

I asked, "Don't we all?"

So then I wrote 'drunk' on the paper.

"And I want to beat you up."

I looked up and screamed, "WHAT?"

And she said, "Yeah. Every good parent beats their children when they're drunk."

"Where the hell did you hear that?"

"John Mayer."

"That explains a lot…"

"So back to the plan… I'll get drunk. I'll get so-o-o drunk off my ass that I just barf left and right. And then I'll slap you across the face, point to you, and say 'oh, you damn fool…' and then I'll get in a car with Lindsay Lohan and we'll go to Maggie Moo's. And then you'll show up and buy some cotton candy ice cream, and you'll be all crying and shit. Then I'll come give you a big hug and then I'll take a gun and shoot Maggie Moo Cow. And then Gregory will-"

I stopped her here and said, "Does this plan actually include a comeback?"

She paused. Then said, "No. I just really want to shoot that damn cow."

**12:03 pm**

Went into the living room.

Shane said, "Make me pasta," right when I walked in.

I stopped walking and said, "Make it yourself."

Then he said, "I don't know how."

"All you do is boil some water…"

"Yeah that's the part I don't know how to do."

"Boil water?"

"Yeah."

**12:05 pm**

My eighteen-year-old brother doesn't know how to boil water…

**12:06 pm**

I kinda want to go to Maggie Moo's.

But then Bushman will get me.

**1:13 pm**

Went to go get a birthday present for the birthday party I'm going to later. It's at the Little Gym. I kinda actually really love that place.

I got a giraffe blanket at the mall. It's so cute. It's like this really soft giraffe print blanket and it has this giraffe head on it.

It sorta looks like a cow.

I think Maggie Moo is stalking me now that my mum wants to kill her.

**1:32 pm**

Went to Maggie Moo's.

Got cotton candy ice cream.

But not for me – Shane wanted it.

**5:22 pm**

Came back from the birthday party sore all over.

I gotta tell you the story.

So basically when I got there, there were a bunch of boring adults standing around and talking, so Ryan, my dad's friend, told me to go play with the little kid nuggets. So I went out to the little play place with the trampolines and stuff.

Well little kids are intense.

I got on the trampoline and right when I got on there, one nugget jumped on my back. He kinda reminded me of Bushman. So that one nugget like tackled me to the floor and started to beat me with a pool noodle, saying, "Die, die, die!"

And then three other nuggets came over and started pulling at my hair and laughing. And they started throwing balls at me and jumping on my back.

So finally Ryan rescued me from the clutches of the little three year olds, but by then I had already been practically mugged, so I went home.

And here I am.

I'm gonna go take a bath.

**1:21 am**

Why do the craziest things have to happen to me?

Like seriously.

So I heard the door open downstairs, and wondering who it was, I went down there. And it was my dad. And he stumbled into the house and slammed the door.

So I went, "Daddy!" because I was like really excited that he was finally home after so long and I went to go hug him.

Bad idea.

He looked at me hugging him and when I stopped, he curled his hand into a fist and punched me smack across the face.

Then he called me a fucker and went into the kitchen.

I scoffed and said, "Hey what the hell dude!?" and so I went after him to the kitchen.

And he grabbed a bottle of vodka and chucked it at me.

Well I didn't dodge it and it hit me across the face, and then fell on the floor and shattered.

It hurt like a bitch ass mother fucker, so I started crying and went upstairs to my room and cried some more.

What the hell happened?

**Sunday, October 26**

**7:05 pm**

Shane got really bored. So he hacked my Facebook and started to talk to random people from my school. I got a bunch of wall posts saying "What the fuck, you sick pervert!" so I wondered what he told them about. I looked on the history of conversations with people and found this one…

**Nate: **Hey do you know my brother?

**Danielle: **I met him once…

**Nate: **He's sexy.

**Danielle: **Haha I don't remember.

**Nate: **Take my word for it. You know… I sort of inherited one of his traits. A biiig trait.

**Danielle: **LOL.  And why are you telling me this?

**Nate: **Ooh, does that smiley face mean you want my big trait?

**Danielle: **Sorry to break it to you, but it's not that big.

**Nate:** You haven't even seen it yet. Ron Jeremy got nothing on me.

**Danielle: **WTF? Why are you telling me this?

**Nate: **I want it in or around your mouth.

**Danielle: **Umm….

**Nate: **Do you do it a lot?

**Danielle: **You know, once or twice… ;)

**Nate: **Let's hook up Saturday night

**Danielle: **I'm busy Saturday. Friday?

**Nate: **Aight. Friday night ima hit you up for some sweet lovin.

**Danielle: **Kay. It better be as big as you say it is. Or I might have to spank you.

**Nate: **Might? You will ho. Trust me. It's bigger than your unpenetrated pussy can handle.

**Danielle: **Haha, so what you up to?

**Nate:** Just jackin it. Swhy I'm horny.

**Danielle: **Ew, are you using Germ-x?

**Nate: **Nope, just some moistureizer to make the magical ride feel a little less bumpy.

**Danielle: **Haha.

**Nate: **Yes ho.

**Danielle: **Mmmkay, so why'd you talk about your brother?

**Nate: **To bring up his large penis that would then convince you of my dominating size.

**Danielle: **Okay…

**Nate: **I'll be gentle.

**Danielle: **Okay.

**Nate:** Just call me tomorrow. I'll handle the rest.

**Danielle: **Nate, I always thought you were a homo.

**Nate: **Nah, I just wanted some quality pussy. And I know you got it.

Yea that's what I said too.

But I guess some people spend their free time in different ways.

It took me forever to convince this girl that it was my brother saying all this stuff and that I didn't actually mean it.


	8. October 27

**Chapter 8**

**Monday, October 27**

**8:48 am**

My alarm clock went off… and I jizzed in my pants.

Just kidding. Haha, that's nasty!

**12:10 pm**

Went back to sleep. Just woke up. If I were at school, I'd be in biology.

Ha, Ms. Tranny's class!

Ms. Tranny.

Ms. Transexual.

Ms. China Town.

…

Asian.

**12:22 pm**

Got on Facebook. Found out Shane hacked it again. Got more 'ew you're really nasty' wall posts.

**12:23 pm**

Changed Facebook password.

**12:30 pm**

My geography teacher is such a crazy bitch. She emailed me the warm ups for the past week and then she emailed me the homework… and get this. We trade and grade worksheets and stuff, so she scanned some person's paper and emailed it to me! LIKE I'M GONNA GRADE IT! FUCK THAT BITCH! Screw her. I ain't grading no damn worksheets.

**12:38 pm**

Bushman attacked me again.

I went out to check the mail and made sure to like stay clear of that one bush, only I guess Bushman got tired of his old home and switched bushes, so he went in another bush on the other side of the driveway.

Well, he jumped out, grabbed me, and pulled me into his bush. I thought he was gonna rape me or something, so I threw my wallet and phone at him and ran away.

**12:46 pm**

I don't have a phone or a wallet now.

Bushman has all my credit cards.

He better get a nice pair of shoes with them.

**12:52 pm**

Starting to think Bushman might be George Bush. I mean, they have like the same name.

And they sorta look the same, too. You know… the hobo look.

**1:02 pm**

I can tell that Shane is getting really bored being on house arrest. Cause he likes to beat me up when he gets bored. And I just got beaten up.

**1:14 pm**

Shane's sketchy friend came over.

He wants me to go with him to rob a 7-11 today. His name is Alexander and he's a ginger. Damn gingers.

So Shane was all like, "Hey, Nate, since I can't go, you will."

So I was like, "Well I don't want to go get house arrest like you."

And he said, "Too bad. You're going."

Apparently, they had planned this for months and since Shane can't go…

Damn it.

I've never done this before.

Obviously.

Wait, Shane just said that he's gonna teach me.

He's gonna teach me how to rob a 7-11. What a great older brother I have, eh? While most older brothers are teaching their little brothers to play football, mine is teaching me – and forcing me – to go rob a 7-11.

Wow.

**1:32 pm**

Took a break from my robbery class. I've actually learned a lot. Like I've learned more in the past fifteen minutes than I've learned in a whole semester in school. Well, obviously not about robbery, but like everything in general.

I've made some lemonade, too. Only it was a little too watery.

Okay, well they're going to teach me how to shoot someone now! I'm excited!

That's sad that I'm really hyped up for this, isn't it?

**2:42 pm**

Doorbell rang. Shane answered it.

I had a ski mask on my head and a gun in my hand, so I had to hide them under the couch.

It turned out to be some butch lesbian with a huge truck.

I was sitting on the couch watching a random TV channel with Alex to make it not look sketchy when I hear Shane call, "Hey, Nate, I need to borrow some money!"

And I got up and said, "How much?"

"Four thousand dollars."

"What?! Why? Shane, are you buying crack again?"

"Naw, I'm buying crawfish."

"Crawfish?"

"Yea. I bought four thousand pounds of crawfish. And I need to borrow some money."

"Why the hell did you buy four thousand pounds of crawfish?"

"Well cause I'm gonna release them into the pond. And I'll make a population of crawfish out there, you see. And then they'll fuck and have baby crawfish. And then we can go fishing. And then we'll have an unlimited amount of crawfish in our backyard, just waiting to be eaten."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"Okay well the crawfish are in the truck. And I need four thousand dollars."

"Well Bushman took my wallet."

"Who's Bushman?"

"The man that lives in our bush."

Shane started laughing. "Oh you mean Joe? Dude, he's my best friend."

"Why is Joe living in our bushes?"

"Cause I paid him to."

"You paid your best friend to live in our bushes?"

"No, I paid him to scare the shit out of you. And it worked."

"WHAT? I was for sure he was going to mug me! That's not funny!"

"Yeah it is."

"Okay well Joe has all my money."

Shane went outside and got my wallet back from Joe and then I got my checkbook out and paid the crawfish lesbian. And we got four thousand pounds of crawfish delivered right to our front door.

And they're in my living room.

And they smell like fuckery.

**5:57 pm**

Spent the last two hours putting four thousand pounds of crawfish in the pond in our backyard.

**8:03 pm**

I'm going to be a horrible bank robber. Like really, I am.

So we were doing role playing and acting out the robbery scene. Well I had Shane's gun and Alex was all like, "No, no, I get the good ski mask." So he took my ski mask and I was like, "Great, now I don't have one." So Alex took some of my mum's pantyhose and shoved them on my head. So then I was like, "Great, I'm wearing knickers on my head."

Only they're not actually knickers…

But anyway, I had the knickers on my head and the gun, and we were in the kitchen, and me and Alex were pretending to rob Shane of all his money. Well then we were practicing defense, and so Shane puts me in a headlock and I guess my hand slipped or something because my gun went off and next thing I know, Alex is screaming, "Fucking shit bitch ass tits! Fuck! This is fuckery dude! Owwww!"

So I dropped the gun and Shane let go of me.

Well I shot Alex in the foot.

It was an accident, I swear!

He called me a bitch and grabbed the gun to shoot me, only I ducked out of the way and Alex ended up shooting our fridge.

And I guess the neighbours hears, because they called the cops and next thing I know, some cops are busting into our house and telling me to "Drop my weapon and to put my hands in the air where they can see them!"

Then Alex was still screaming redrum and so they took him to the hospital, and Shane and I had to explain that we were just goofing around and "didn't realize that the gun was fully loaded."

And one of the cops turned to me and said, "Sir, you've got a panty on your head."

So I took it off and was all embarrassed-like. It was pretty bad.

Now we have a bullet hole in our fridge, and there's a pool of blood on our kitchen floor. It looks like someone got shot.

Oh, wait.

Someone did.

**8:24 pm**

Decided to clean up the pool of blood before Mum got home. She would not have appreciated that on her kitchen floor.

I was trying to clean some of it up with paper towels, only we ran out, so I had to improvise. And I got some party napkins out from under the cupboard.

They were Hanukah napkins.

And we're not even Jewish.

**9:31 pm**

There's still an awkward blood stain on our floor.

You know it kinda reminds me of a Tranny story.

So we were in Ms. Transexual's class one day and the teachers have this crazy-ass idea that if we play a lame version of Jeopardy, we'll actually learn something (yeah, right) and so we were playing "Evolution Jeopardy." (All the Christians were all up in arms about Ms. Tranny teaching them about evolution, it was actually pretty funny.)

So someone walks in the classroom and drops a bottle of red Vitamin water in front of Ms. Transexual's desk. Well half the class burst out laughing and everyone was making a huge commotion about it because there was like this huge awkward red stain all over her floor and she didn't even notice it.

So I scream, "Oh my holy god, someone's water just broke, Ms. Tranny!"

And she was like, "Hey, Nate, shut up!"

Well, she didn't actually say that… but that was the gist of it.

So everyone was like, "Holy fuck! That girl's water just broke all over your floor, Ms. Transexual!"

And Ms. Tranny was all oblivious about it and was like: "Oh, stop it. Y'all are bein' silly."

And we continued playing Jeopardy.

So then when the bell rang, she got up to go get someone and she saw it and was like, "Whoa, someone's water did break!"

So now there's a huge red stain on her floor cause it took the lazy janitor like five years to get down to her classroom and clean it up.

**9:45 pm**

Holy fucksicles on ice.

Jason's back!

He's back… with a broken wrist?

What the hell happened to Jason?


	9. Jason And The Playboy Mansion

**Chapter 9**

**Monday, October 27**

**9:56 pm**

I gave Jason the biggest hug ever and said, "Jason! I'm so glad you're back!"

And he said, "Hey," really weakly and coughed.

So I was like, "Dude, what the fuck happened to you?"

And he said, "Don't say the 'f' word."

"I can say whatever the fuck I want. Now what the fuck happened to you? Why is your wrist broken?"

"I got mugged."

"MUGGED?!"

"Yea."

"By who? Do you know?"

"That creepy man that lives in our bushes."

"But that's just Shane's friend Joe."

"Shane's friend Joe? Shane doesn't have a friend named Joe."

"But Shane said-"

"Joe's an imaginary friend. Shane made him up in fifth grade."

"Shane's imaginary friend attacked me today?"

"Oh god, he attacked you too?"

"Yea. But I didn't break my wrist… When did this happen?"

"When I left like three weeks ago. He jumped out and attacked me."

"Wait so Bushman is a real imaginary friend? What?"

"No, Bushman is Bushman. Joe is an imaginary friend."

"I'm so confused right now…"

"Bushman lives in our bushes. He's been living in there for five years."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Nope. His name is Walter. He's actually quite nice…"

"Wait then who's Joe?"

"Shane's imaginary friend."

"Wait so … what? Cause Shane told me he hired 'Joe' to scare me."

"He was lying."

"Sounds like something he would do… so what happened to you? Where have you been? Why did you go?"

"I'll explain… but can I go sit down? I feel like fuck."

"You look like fuck."

We went over to the couch and sat down. Shane had gone upstairs.

"So tell me everything," I said.

Jason wiped his runny nose on the back of his hand. Which was kinda gross, mind you.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I have a headache. Can I have some Advil or something?"

I put my hand on his forehead. "You have a fever. Are you okay?"

"Advil…"

"Okay, okay." So I got up and got him his drugs and then after he took them, he told me everything.

I'll recap.

So basically, when Mum and Dad went crazy, he decided to leave.

Well Bushman attacked him when he left and broke his wrist trying to get away. He managed to save all his money and went to the doctor and got a purple cast. (I hate that colour, by the way.)

So then he went to – get this – he went to Colorado.

COLORADO.

So while my mum was having her melt down of the century and Shane was killing pregnant people, my older brother – the one that was supposed to be there to make sure I didn't do anything stupid or dangerous – left to Colorado, where he stayed with his friend.

And then his friend went to go to Montana and so Jason had to leave. And then Jason left his wallet at a restaurant in New Mexico, and lost all of his money. And someone broke into his car and stole it.

What a series of unfortunate events, eh?

So he didn't have a phone or a car or any money and he was in the middle of nowhere, New Mexico.

And so he walked \ hitchhiked all the way back here.

Now he's sleeping on the couch cause he caught the flu while he lived with a hobo for a day.

Wow.

**11:48 pm**

Jason is a complete and total hot mess right now.

He and Shane keep throwing up all over the place.

Well, Shane is barfing cause he's drunk off his ass.

And Jason is barfing cause he keeps seeing Shane barf.

This is wonderful.

**2:32 am**

Couldn't stand the smell of barf anymore. So I went outside to be with the four thousand pounds of crawfish in our backyard.

They smell like…

Fuck.

**2:34 am**

Left the crawfish. They smelled worse than my brothers.

**3:22 am**

Attempted to brush Jason's hair. It had all this nasty shit in it, so I made him wash it and then tried to comb it out.

It was like raking a carpet.

He broke my brush.

**3:23 am**

Told Jason he owes me a new brush. He responded by throwing up on my shoes.

**3:25 am**

Washed the barf off of my shoes.

**4:10 am**

Exhausted. Still taking care of Jason.

**4:47 am**

Shane decided to be a huge asshole and set his ringtone to that annoying mosquito noise thing and then put his phone behind the TV. And called it constantly. So Jason – who had a horrible headache – was going crazy because that thing gets in your head. And I couldn't find the damn phone.

I was going crazy, too.

After like fifteen minutes of Jason pissing and moaning on about it, I found his phone and chucked it out the window.

**5:24 am**

Mum came into the living room. Drunk.

She said, "Nate, I want you to know that you were a mistake."

And I was like: "What?"

"Yea, we were never supposed to have you."

"WHAT?!"

"Condom broke. Sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"Having a mistake like you."

Then I didn't say anything. And I got that awful lump in my throat you get right before you cry. It felt like I was trying to swallow a football.

"Never told you this, Nate, but I cried when I found out I was preggo with you. But I mean, it was cool when you popped out of my vag cause then I loved you. Ahh… confessions. Feels good to actually tell you." Then she took another swig of her Vodka.

Great. My mum hated me for a whole nine months.

**5:27 am**

I don't know if I should cry right now.

**6:01 am**

Fucking exhausted. Taking care of Jason is a bitch. He's really bitchy when he has the flu. I had to make him soup. And then he wasn't hungry. And then he wanted a Diet Coke. And then he threw up again. And I had to clean it up. Again.

**6:15 am**

Plopped on the couch. Saw Pierre start to eat some barf off the floor. I let him finish eating it cause I was too tired to say anything or to stop him.

Besides, he seemed to be enjoying himself.

Cats are gross.

I have a cat story to tell you.

So we were in English class one day, and our teacher was ranting on about how Romeo and Juliet is still relevant today. And I raised my hand and said, "Yea, I had a cat named Montague. He got hit by a bus."

He did.

I was sad when he died.

I cried until I ran out of tears.

And then I drank a whole gallon of water because I was so thirsty.

And I didn't even have to pee after it. That's how much I had cried.

**6:22 am**

Still awake. Jason is finally asleep. FINALLY. Like, honestly. I'm sick of him and his barfing. Shane is moping around the house. He wants to go see this new movie that just came out yesterday.

But he can't.

And he has house arrest for two more weeks.

So he has to wait two weeks to see this movie. And I think his friends went last night.

**6:28 am**

Shane decided to make margaritas. He made Mum one and they were sitting at the kitchen table giggling together.

Then Mum said, "Oh, Nate, dear, would you like one? I'm such a horrible person. Sorry for not asking!"

And I was like, "Naw, I'll pass."

But she insisted and made me one. And shoved it in my face.

PEER PRESSURE.

Well, not really. She's not my peer, she's my mum.

So I took it. Only cause Shane said he'd cut me if I didn't drink it.

And I drank it. And it tasted like… fuckery.

I may be Canadian, but beer and alcoholic beverages are not my thing.

**4:49 pm**

Finally got to go to bed around seven.

Just told Mum that mac and cheese is the "bomb shiz bitch."

**4:55 pm**

We're planning Mum's comeback.

"It has to be amazing," she said. "Better than a Britney. It has to be like… BAM."

I said, "Well, first, get a personal assistant. And then take it from there.

I think she's actually gonna pull it off.

I hope she does. Honestly, she's a hot mess right now.

**6:11 pm**

Shane took some Sharpies and drew on my stomach.

I was taking a nap and so he came up quietly and started drawing on me.

I woke up right when he was finished. And I looked in the mirror.

He drew a unicorn on my chest and wrote "I Believe" above it.

**6:20pm**

"I believe?" Honestly?

Funny unicorn story. I had this friend who actually believed she was a unicorn. Like I'm not even kidding. That was her religion. She thought she had a horn that was gonna grow in the middle of her forehead and it was green. I think. But she was crazy, so it doesn't matter what colour it was.

**12:56 am**

Just got back.

We went out to dinner as a family.

Sorta.

Dad, Mum, Jason, and I went to this really fancy restaurant. On the way out of our house, we got mobbed by the paparazzi. Cause it was the first time Mum actually went out of the house ever since she shaved her head. She was wearing one of her good wigs and a beret and when the paparazzi mobbed us, I thought she was gonna attack them like usual with Dad's walking cane thing blind people use, but she didn't. She talked to them.

And she told them we were all doing fine. And that she would be going on tour soon.

Yea, right.

She doesn't even have an assistant. Like _that's_ gonna work out.

Well we went off in a limo – Yes, Mum hired a new limo driver after ours quit – and went to the most expensive restaurant in all of Dallas.

And we sat in the back.

Well, Jason fell asleep at the table because he's still sick, and Dad went to the bathroom. But left. And he texted me and said, "Be back in three months."

So I was like, great. Dad's leaving again.

He probably found some little skanky bitch.

Five loonies says they get married in the next two weeks.

In Vegas.

That's where the last six were.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if I had some half brothers and sisters I didn't know about.

Anyway, the whole dinner thing turned out to be an interview. For Mum's new assistant.

And apparently EVERYONE wants to be Mum's assistant because we met with at least fifty five people. But I mean, Mum's gonna pay her new assistant two thousand a day, and with this economy, who wouldn't want this job?

Well, there were three people I liked. This one dude named Josh. He sounded awesome. His favourite activities include water skiing and hiking. How cool is that? He reminded me a lot of this one baby sitter we had when we were younger and he jumped from the top of our stairs onto our couch and broke our couch. It was HILARIOUS.

Then there was Kelsey. She plays the tuba. And is from Mississippi. And taught me how to grind the right way. She's a bit on the chunky side, and she said, "Why would you want to be a skinny pencil anyway? I'd rather be a fat happy marker!"

Lastly was Jess. He's this really bitchy queen. I mean, right when I saw him, my gaydar went off. And when he talked, you could totally tell. You'd have to be Helen Keller not to realize he was gay. But anyway, he's really into fashion. And was on Project Runway. And while he was talking, he told me he'd fix the hot mess that was my outfit. And then said all the girls would just flash their titties at me when I walked by.

I believed him. He works at Tony and Gay – I mean, Guy.

You go to Tony and Gay and then girls just like jump into your pants. It's amazing.

So as long as Mum picks one of those three I'll be happy.

It was really funny because she had them all fill out this questionnaire to make sure that they'd be good at their job. Well one of the questions was, "If there was a fire in the house and you only had time to save one person, who would you save?" Everyone except Jess put my mum, but Jess put, "SAVE THE PRADA SHOES!"

I read it and laughed, and he turned to me and said, "Honey, Prada is worth more than your life."

But he was totally kidding.

I hope.

I was actually having a lot of fun trying to pick who was going to be our new assistant, but Jason was snoring. At the table. And it was really gross because a bit of drool started coming out of his mouth. And it went on the table. And Jess was sitting next to him and screamed in a high-pitched voice and jumped up, flapping his hands around.

**Tuesday, October 28**

**12:23 pm**

**My bedroom**

We've decided to make this a game show. Like I'm not even kidding.

Mum got all fifty five potential assistants to come to our house. And is going to pay them each one hundred dollars a day to be on our game show. And we're getting a camera crew to come later today.

When I said it's gonna be a game show, I wasn't kidding. Like we're getting producers and everything. It's gonna be on MTV. Premiering next week.

I'm not even joking.

Someone at MTV was there at the restaurant and over heard us and our picking of the assistants. And he thought it would be the BEST reality TV show plot.

I guess this is all part of Mum's comeback. People see her getting her act together and they go buy her CDs.

It's all for the money, honestly.

So all of the potential assistants are in our guest house across the street. Our guest house is kinda like the playboy mansion. Only there are no hot chicks in tiny bikinis there. It's empty most of the time. But it's huge and can fit up to sixty people. It's sorta like a hotel.

This is gonna be really fun. I'm gonna be a MTV star.

A celebrity.

Everyone's gonna want to get in my pants now that I'm famous.

What if people start making YouTube videos about me? Ooh, I feel special now.

**2:30 pm**

Went over to the Playboy mansion. Hung out with all the potential personal assistants, or the PPA's. I like five now. Jess, Kelsey, and Josh are still my favourite, but I also like this one chick named Leslie and some dude named Matt. He's from Australia and has the coolest accent ever. And he can surf. But I think all Aussies can.

I love how everyone has a different personality. It makes it so much funner.

I don't know who I love the most now!

**3:11 pm**

A bunch of cameras showed up and barged into my room when I was on Facebook telling my best friends about the reality TV show. (They obviously don't believe me.)

Well I was like naked because I just got out of the shower and I was too lazy to change right before I got on the computer.

So now they have a clip of me, in the nuddy pants, screaming and shooing them out.

**5:56 pm**

Went downstairs to go get some food. The cameras were all there and they like attacked me when I went in the kitchen. I gave them all weird looks and got a slice of pizza from the fridge. And they all filmed me heating it up in the microwave. And I looked at them and one person said, "Don't look at the camera."

And I was like, "What?"

"Pretend like we're not here. At all. Okay, kid? Don't fuck this up."

So I was like, "Uh… okay."

And then I went over to the Playboy mansion. And they followed me all the way there.

Now I know how my mum feels.

**6:00 pm**

Now that we're making a new TV show, everyone wants to put us in the trashy celeb magazines. I've been mobbed by paparazzi. Poor Britney, she must hate this.

Did you know she's the most photographed person in the whole world or something like that?

Runner up is Whitney. She has like ten thousand pictures of her on Facebook.

What a picture whore. But, all band people are picture whores. It's like a law or something.

Well I just had the weirdest interview ever.

Camera guy: "So, Nate, that's a cool accent."

Me: "Um… is that a compliment?"

"Yea. Where are you from?"

"Canada."

"But you have an Australian accent."

"It's not an Aussie accent. It's English."

"Huh?"

"I lived in England…"

"Where?"

"England? Question mark?"

"Is that in Australia?"

"Umm… no?"

I've decided that he failed World Geography.

**6:24 pm**

Went to Whitney's. I walked there all by myself.

And four cameramen went too.

I rang the doorbell and Whitney answered, looked at the cameras, and said, "Fuck, you weren't kidding about the reality TV show."

**7:06 pm**

Went back to the Playboy mansion. Walked in on Mum doing some sort of ritual thing. I have no idea what she was doing, but there were tiki torches and then three people got pushed into the hot tub AKA the pool of lava.

It was really lame.

Apparently, those three got kicked off the show cause they:

Didn't walk Pierre.

Didn't feed me.

Got in a fight with Shane over the pile of dead crawfish in his room.

So they're gone.

Well, it doesn't matter because they were assholes anyway.

**8:56 pm**

Mum has decided to make this show a survivor type thing.

And people are gonna get kicked out of the Playboy mansion, one by one.

The media loves it. What is with America's obsession with uninteresting people?

**11:12 pm**

Decided to sleep over at the Playboy mansion. Jess gave me a haircut and I look FANTASTIC and then I decided to throw a party.

Well I invited some of my friends and we put up decorations and everything.

This one PPA got a little too drunk and flashed her titties to the camera, so Mum told me she was gonna get rid of her next week. It was a little too "Girls Gone Wild" for someone who is potentially going to be taking care of me.

Tomorrow we're going horseback riding. I have no idea why we are, but we are.

**Wednesday, October 29**

**6:34 am**

Had to wake up early for stupid horseback riding. Fuck horses.

Well, don't fuck them.

That'd be excessively nasty.

**8:11 am**

I was so exhausted that I could barley stand, so this one PPA named Rachel carried me to the limo. And then over to the horses. And then lifted me onto a horse.

And I felt like royalty.

Some paparazzi showed up and took some pictures of me and Mum on horses. We smiled and waved.

I'm like the queen of England.

Which is NOT in Australia, by the way.


	10. Shane's Temper Tantrums

**Chapter 10**

**Wednesday, October 29**

**4:45 pm**

When we got home for horseback riding, I went into the living room and saw Jason asleep on the couch – he's still sick – and saw Shane watching the Hannah Montana Best Of Both Worlds Concert in 3-D.

He kept going, "Whoa… whoa… oh my god."

And so I went over and was like, "Dude, what are you doing?"

Shane took off the 3-D glasses, turned to me, and said, "Do not watch this movie if you're as high as I am right now. Oh my god… That Hannah bitch is… all… whoa…"

Then he stumbled over to the stairs and tried to go up them. Instead he tripped about half way up and just laid there.

Then I turned my ex-girlfriend off of the TV.

And went upstairs.

Now here I am.

I'm gonna take a nap.

**5:22 pm**

We are officially as popular as Angelina Jolie.

I checked this website I always go to for gossip, and I saw a picture of me from today on the horses right on the front page! I looked at it and was like WHOA, THAT'S ME!

The caption said, "Lauren Grey and her youngest son, Nate Gray, go horseback riding while filming for their new TV show, airing Sunday, November 2nd on MTV at 7 pm."

People already know about the TV show. And about me.

How the hell do people find this out!?

I went to Perez Hilton's site, and even he was talking about me!

Well, he called me a "Little nugget with a pubic hair afro."

**5:25 pm**

Got like a trillion wall posts on Facebook saying, "Whoa, Nate, you're a celebrity!"

I made my status: "Nate Gray is a celebrity."

Then I got like 5 comments three seconds after I put it up.

Bitches be jeeaallooussss.

**6:05 pm**

Went downstairs for dinner.

We had crawfish.

Hmm… wonder where Mum got _that_.

**9:57 pm**

Decided to make a public blog.

Now that I'm a celebrity, I want to connect with my fans.

So one of the PPA's who's good with computers showed me how to make a website. And I made one. It is so kick ass. You guys wouldn't believe it. I put a link to it on Mum's Myspace, Facebook, and her official fan site. It's called nategray dot com. Original, eh?

Well it's sort of set up like Facebook.

(No, I didn't make it all by myself. We hired people to do that.)

But anyway, people can make like usernames and comment on all my blogs and pictures.

And I can put up pictures and posts and stuff! AHH!

Sorry, I'm really excited.

**10:30 pm**

Spent about half an hour just putting up a bunch of random photos of me. Good ones, though. Not like the one where I look mentally retarded.

That's a bad picture.

**10:38 pm**

Wow, news on the internet spreads fast. Already got forty users signed up on the new site.

In no time I'm gonna be like… Michael Buckley popular.

**10:43 pm**

It's odd, really. I'm getting a bunch of nice comments on all my Facebook photos from people who… I really don't like. And from people who tease me.

It's sad that people are trying to butter me up now that I'm a… Star.

Ha.

I learned from this one movie called Camp Rock that some people are only friends with the famous people so they can get free stuff. And that is SO true.

So these sad, lowly human life forms are attempting to be my friend. For the free stuff.

Little did they know, I've always had access to the free stuff. Like even before this whole reality TV show thing.

Umm, hello? My mum.

**11:02 pm**

Going to bed.

Being famous is hard work. I've responded to everyone who has commented on my new fan page.

OH MY GOD I HAVE A FAN PAGE!

Sorry, I'm still getting used to it.

**Thursday, October 30**

**9:48 am**

Tomorrow's Halloween!

And you know what that means…

CANDY!

**10:00 am**

Penelope, one of the PPA's, made me breakfast.

That little sucky upy skank.

Oh well, the toast was good.

And I guess she was just doing her job anyway.

**10:13 am**

Got like ten thousand notifications on Facebook and my website. I checked like five of them, but then said screw it and went down to the pond to be alone.

Well, to be with four thousand pounds of crawfish.

**10:34 am**

Went inside and saw Shane getting all frustrated and hot and sweaty. He was trying to get high off of grass. From outside.

He was like, "Holy shit, Nate, I ran out of weed and this damn grass from the garden doesn't do fucking shit!"

So I just shrugged and started to walk away, only he ran after me and said, "Nate, listen, you gotta go get me some weed."

I scoffed and said, "No way!"

He then dropped to his knees and hung onto my legs saying, "PLEASE! PLEEAASSSEEE!"

"Shane, what did I tell you about doing drugs?"

"I dunno. I was really high when you told me."

Then I kicked him off and ran over to the Playboy mansion.

He can't get me there. Hell, he can't leave the house or he'll get arrested.

Yup, only ten more days until he's a free bird.

**11:20 pm**

Mum called me into her "office" to help me pick who was going to be kicked off the show today.

The cameras follow us EVERYWHERE. There is no escaping them. I mean, I have to make sure I look good 27 \ 7 or they might get an embarrassing picture of me.

Like the one of me at the Christmas party.

**12:46 pm**

Found Jason in the bathroom puking.

I told him he needed to go to a doctor and he refused. He said, "Going to the doctor's is for wimps."

**12:50 pm**

I get hurt in the weirdest ways.

I just hit myself in the face with an iPod.

It was like one time, I was at my friend's house, and she had this poster of Elvis Costello on her wall, and I wanted a picture of it for my phone's background. Well I was bending over to get it, and my legs gave way and I fell down and hit my upper lip on her pink trashcan. And my lip started bleeding.

**12:51 pm**

Put my status on my website as "Just got hit in the face with an iPod."

A bunch of people commented within like 4 seconds saying "Lol! Good job, Nate!"

**2:32 pm**

Jess treated me to lunch.

Then he took me to the mall and bought me some clothes.

Then he went into my closet and took away all my clothes and put them in the dumpster.

He said, "There! I finally got rid of it!"

**2:39 pm**

Going to Target with Mum.

She told me we have to make a bunch of public appearances and get the attention of a lot of people. It's part of her comeback.

It's actually a good idea. Good publicity means people hear about you. And buy your CD's. And give us money. So we can pay for the PPA's.

**3:04 pm**

Got mobbed at Target. I signed an autograph.

You may be wondering how we're so popular. Well, my mum is almost as famous as Britney Bitch.

So ha. In your faces.

My mum's worth billions of dollars and yours isn't.

**3:34 pm**

I got a truancy letter in the mail.

What the fuck is that?

It said like if I don't go to school I'm gonna be put in jail.

So Mum started freaking out because she obviously doesn't want me to end up with house arrest like Shane (nor did she want the media to know I wasn't getting an education), so she talked to all the PPA's and one of them came up with this _brilliant_ idea that maybe, just maybe, I should go back to my public school again.

We added her to the list of people to get kicked off tonight.

**7:05 pm**

We're kicking three more people off the show tonight.

We're kicking off toast girl, the guy who Jason barfed on today, and school woman.

**10:20 pm**

The ritual was extremely fun tonight.

I was glad to get rid of those creeps anyway.

We had like a disco ball. It was 80's themed.

We rented out this roller rink and so we all got to skate and stuff before we kicked people off. And we like had all the PPA's who were getting kicked off stand under this huge bucket of slime. And then we dumped it on them.

It. Was. Awesome.

**11:46 pm**

Shane just threw a full blown temper tantrum over a piece of cheese cake.

Like not even kidding.

He was on the floor, kicking his legs and screaming and crying because he wanted this one certain piece of cake.

And I eated it.

Shh…

Don't tell him.

I also eated his cookie yesterday.

**A\N: Hey thanks for all the nice reviews! Keep them coming! I want to put up another chapter tomorrow night, but I'd like to get atleast 15 review before I do that. So reviews and I'll update within 24 hours! Thanksies.**

**Love,**

**Nate**


	11. If You're From Africa Why Are You White?

**Chapter 11**

**Friday, October 31**

**12:34 pm**

Shane told me that if he didn't "get some crack or weed in the next ten minutes he was gonna go shoot up a school. Or die. Whichever comes first."

I told him he has issues.

He told me that he called his dealer and told him to meet me behind the movie theater at midnight.

I don't stay up past eleven.

**12:36 pm**

Jason started puking again after he ate an orange.

**1:52 pm**

One of the PPA's, Josh, and I took Jason to the doctor's.

Well we wouldn't have without his consent but he was all sweaty and gross and flushed. And he kept throwing up and wouldn't stop. And then he had a fever above one o' five and got all delirious. And kept saying all these really weird things. Such as, "I threw a pancake… a pancake in the river!" Or, "Estrogen ocean!"

But my favourite was, "You're eating a flat steak."

A flat steak? Honestly?

So we went to the hospital.

And the cameras followed us all the way there.

Jason is going to be SO pissed. Because like half of America is going to see him all gross and sweaty on MTV in a week.

**2:07 pm**

Still in the waiting room at the hospital.

**2:08 pm**

Bored as FUCK.

**3:22 pm**

Got kicked out of the hospital.

Well, here's the story.

Josh and I found two stray wheelchairs just sitting there.

And when bored teenagers (Josh is 19) find things with wheels…

Long story short, Josh and I had a wheelchair race and Josh kicked my wheel chair and I went FLYING and I landed on this gurney and I knocked it over. And Josh, who was going at like top speed, crashed into the snack machine. And it fell over. And broke into a trillion pieces.

So we got escorted out by the police.

And we can't go back unless we're a patient there.

I actually watched the video of me crashing and burning and it's the most hilarious video EVER. Like I want to send it into America's Funniest Home Videos or something because this shit is hilarious. I had the cameraman put it on my computer and I put it on my blog.

There are already like one hundred thousand hits on it and over ten thousand comments.

But it is really funny.

Too bad Mum says we have to get rid of Josh tonight. He was cool.

Tonight we're having the same little getting rid of three people ritual, but it's Halloween version! Mum told me she rented out this haunted house and we're gonna shove every PPA in there and turn off all the lights. And then scary people dressed as vampires will come and take the three losers away.

How scary and cool will that be?

Very Halloweenie.

Loving the themed 'kicking people off the island' things.

**5:16 pm**

Mum went to the hospital to check on Jason, and they're gonna keep him overnight for "observation." What the hell does that even mean?

But he's gonna miss Halloween!

Oh, well. We're not even allowed to go out of the house anyway.

MTV said so.

Because we'll get mobbed.

And little kids might throw candy at us.

And we can't "end up with another one in the hospital."

Whatever that's supposed to mean.

But MTV basically runs our lives now. Whatever we do has to be approved.

And we have to lock our gate so no trick-or-treaters can come and ring our doorbell a trillion billion times.

What the hell am I gonna do with all this candy in my kitchen?

**6:07 pm**

Feel like I just gained about a billion kilos.

I ate all the candy.

**6:20 pm**

Went to the Playboy mansion.

Threw up in the hot tub.

It was really gross.

But that's what I get for eating 5 kilos of Halloween candy.

**6:41 pm**

Kelsey, a PPA, is convinced I have the flu like Jason.

And "doesn't want to take any chances" so she called a doctor that does house calls.

I told her I was fine and it was cause I ate too much candy and then got in a hot tub, but she "just wanted to make sure."

More like MTV doesn't want me to get sick because what fun is filming sick people sleeping?

UMMM BOOORRRIINNGGG.

**7:09 pm**

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I somehow managed to get sick.

Doc said I had a "slight temperature." And gave me some medicine so I don't pull a Jason.

Fuck, Kelsey was right.

She's a keeper.

**12:23 am**

Just got back from the 'Haunted House of Horror.'

What a lame name.

We kicked off three more people.

Mum put Josh on the list of PPA's to get rid of. But I begged her to give him another chance, so she gave in and got rid of the weird Indian guy that picks his nose instead.

Josh is the coolest person I've ever met in my life.

He's like the older brother I've never had.

And no, Shane and Jason don't count as older brothers because they are fail.

**Saturday, November 1**

**My room**

**Sick**

**9:58 am**

Fuck.

I woke up in the middle of the night and puked.

And then my nose decided to be a runny bitch.

It has Turrets or something.

Like it will be okay and not stuffy and runny for a second and then … stuffy and runny.

Fuck that bitch.

**10:22 am**

Went downstairs to the kitchen. There was some sort of gathering in the kitchen with my mum and all my favourite PPA's. I was too out of it to figure out what they were talking about, so I just went over to the living room and crashed on the couch.

**5:15 pm**

Basically slept all day.

Barfed a few times.

Played poker with Jess and Josh.

Jason came home.

Shane moped a bit. He misses his drugs.

Cameras poked in my face all day long.

Ooh, because me getting up to get a glass of lemonade is just SO exciting! Let's film it!

**Sunday, November 2**

**6:04 pm**

I feel so much better now.

I took some of these drugs. And they did something magical inside my tummy.

And I'm cured.

**6:06 pm**

Our new show premiers tonight! In like…

Fifty-four minutes!

Fuck, I have to update stuff online!

**6:59 pm**

Sitting on the couch.

Waiting for the show to come on.

**7:00 pm**

IT'S ON!

SHUT UP!

Wait, you weren't talking.

**8:09 pm**

That. Was. The. Greatest. Thing. Ever.

With the whole _woosh!_ And the _blaah!_ And the _You're fired!_

I still can't get over how amazing it was!

**Tuesday, November 4**

**10:10 am**

Okay so you know what Shane said about how he was going to die if he didn't get drugs?

Well it turns out he wasn't kidding.

He really is gonna die.

He came downstairs to the kitchen where I was eating breakfast and he looked AWFUL. Like God awful. And he had bags under his eyes. And he had slit his wrists. Like as in emo. There was still blood dripping out of his cuts.

And I was like, "Holy fuck! Shane!"

And he shivered, grabbed a blanket, and sat down at the table next to me and said, "Drug withdrawal is a bitch."

Then he started banging his head on the table and crying, screaming, "MAKE IT GO AWAY! THIS FUCKKIN HURTS! I WANT MY DRUGS!"

And so I threw a bottle of Advil at him and ran up the stairs.

He's scary.

**4:28 pm**

Went outside for a walk with Pierre.

I had him on his leash and he tried to attack some dog that was ten times his size.

He thinks he's tough, but he's not.

Pierre so wishes he was a bulldog.

And that he had a mate.

Or balls.

Or both.

**9:55 pm**

Ugh, nothing interesting and worth writing has happened all today. I mean, other than Shane on drug withdrawal.

Kicked three more people off the show…

What now? I think there are about thirty people left.

Seems about right.

**10:45 pm**

Shane punched a hole in the wall of the living room.

He kept banging his head on the wall, muttering something incoherent, and then he just punched the wall really hard.

And there's a hole in the wall.

Shane also broke his hand. But he refused to get it fixed. He just wrapped it up with some duct tape. That way he can "hit it against something when his head hurts so he doesn't have to feel that pain."

**12:50 am**

Sitting on my bed. Being very bored. Wondering if Shane will be okay without drugs for another week.

Screw it, I'm going to bed.

**Wednesday, November 5**

**6:30 am**

My alarm clock just went off.

At 6:30 in the morning.

Why?

Because one of the PPA's has convinced Mum that I better go back to school today.

So I have no choice but to go.

I mean, it's either that or I get house arrest like Shane. But then I wouldn't go to school anyway, so wouldn't that defeat the purpose?

**9:00 am**

Sitting in Tranny's class. She looked at me all weird when I walked in the door and said, "Nate?"

And I was like, "Yea?"

"I thought you moved."

"What?"

"Someone told me you moved to Africa."

"And you believed them?"

"Well… yeah."

She's lame.

Who the hell moves to Africa?

But anyway, she handed me this huge-ass folder of all my make-up work.

There is NO way I can do all this. Like this is at least 10 kilos worth of worksheets in here.

**3:45 pm**

Right when I sat down at the lunch table, everyone looked at me, and then they all started like freaking out.

"You're back! You're back!" they all kept yelling.

And they made like this huge commotion.

So then it brought the attention of other people, and apparently everyone has seen my new show and my website, so they all crowded around me, pretending to be my friend. A bunch of people who told me that they hate my fucking guts are acting nice. And giving me free cookies.

Even the lunch lady gave me an extra slice of pizza.

**5:06 pm**

**Home**

Got mobbed by paparazzi right when I walked outside of the school.

They were waiting outside the band hall, so right when I opened the door to go outside to the parking lot, they blinded me with their flashes. I did my 'no paparazzi' hand-over-face technique Mum taught me. I had to push through the crowd and literally sprint to the limo.

**7:19 pm**

The PPA that suggested I go back to public school was kicked out very unorthodoxly. Mum started whacking her with her huge Gucci purse and screamed, "Bitch! Get out, bitch! How could you do that to my son!?"

Well that's only cause I started crying when I got home.

I realized that I'm never gonna be normal again. And I can't hang out at school with my friends without being mobbed. Or go out to walk my cat without being mobbed. Or go to the store without being mobbed.

I kinda want to run away to Nunavut.

Shane and I sat on the couch crying.

Shane was crying because he misses his two best friends Crack and Cocaine.

I miss everything I used to be. Well, I'm the same person, but I miss being… normal.

Everything is effed up right now.

**7:23 pm**

Shane keeps banging his head against the wall.

**7:25 pm**

Still sitting on the couch crying. I'm watching "The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody."

Worst. Show. Ever. But it's the only thing on. And it's either I watch that or E! Tonight where they talk about Mum. And Shane. And Jason. And me. And all the PPA's. We're the hottest thing right now. Even Britney Spears is getting jealous.

**7:31 pm**

"Hannah Montana" came on. I shut that bitch off.

**7:44 pm**

Rachel came in the living room with a gallon of rocky road ice cream, handed it to me with a spoon, and then turned on the TV and we watched "Sex And The City."

I ate my ice cream and watched the show.

Well, the stupid TV channels can't show sex on regular TV, so the show was more like… "And The City."

So it was kinda lame.

**8:09 pm**

Went to Chili's for dinner with the Aussie guy.

Forgot his name.

But we're at Chili's right now.

See what all the PPA's are trying to do is butter me up so I tell Mum not to get rid of them.

And right now it's kinda working.

I really just need to get out of the house right now. There are no cameras. And I'm wearing a wig and sunglasses. And this Aussie guy is really nice.

**8:10 pm**

Hmmm… what should I order?

**8:17 pm**

Aus asked me, "What do you keep writing in?"

"It's a journal."

"That's cool."

And then it got all awkward.

And it's still awkward right now, which is why I'm writing in you right now.

**8:54 pm**

Left the house.

Went to the backyard.

Sat down by the pond.

Thought about things.

Where the hell's my father?

**9:05 pm**

I would like to fall into a big pile of Skittles one day. And then live there. For the rest of my life.

**9:08 pm**

I like the taste of kiwis.

**9:09 pm**

I'm random when I'm bored.

**12:39 am**

Went to Wal-mart. Oddly enough, I didn't get mobbed.

I don't usually get mobbed by older women, but just by teenage and teenie girls. They like my hair. And I guess a lot of teenies don't go to Wal-mart at midnight on a school night, so I  
was pretty safe.

We ran out of tea, which is why I went there at midnight.

See, Shane wanted to make iced tea, so he boiled some water and then poured it into a pitcher filled with ice. He obviously didn't think it through because the water just got cold. And he didn't put a tea packet in it. So he had to redo it.

And then we drank some it when he did it with an actual tea packet.

It was fail with an epic proportion.

So now he wants hot tea and used all the tea packets on the fail iced tea. So I got more.

And then there was something about corn starch… There's corn starch all over the kitchen island.

**12:42 am**

Cleaned up the corn starch.

**Thursday, November 6**

**10:19 am**

Guess whose birthday is today!

Well, it's obviously not yours.

MINE! It's my birthday today!

I woke up when a bunch of PPA's, Mum, and Jason all came in my room and sang 'happy birthday' to me. And then they made me breakfast in bed.

Got forty-six wall posts saying, "Happy birthday!"

Updated my status on my website to, "It's my birthday!"

Everyone loves me.

Ha, in your face.

They don't like you as much as they like me.

Na na na na poo poo.

**11:42 am**

Went over to the Playboy mansion.

Got thirty presents.

Yea, that's right.

The suck ups gave me presents.

**12:03 pm**

Opened all the presents.

I got a new watch from Alison, some scented candles from Jess, the whole boxed series set of Sex And The City from Kelsey, a picture of all of the PPA's and me at the Playboy mansion in a nice picture frame from that weird Irish chick, and money from everyone else.

Like I need more money!

PSH!

What a lame gift money is.

Goddamn, be original!

**12:33 pm**

Bushman attacked me when I was getting the mail.

**12:45 pm**

Shane has officially gone bonkers.

He beat me up because he had to take his anger out on _someone_. For some reason, that someone always tends to be me.

Well he wants his drugs, and he wants them now.

As in right now.

He started throwing all the wine glasses on the floor and started jumping on all of the ketchup packets from McDonald's we have collected in the pantry.

He is _très_ pissed.

**4:12 pm**

Went fishing in the pond with a PPA named Jake.

The scariest fucking thing happened. I thought Pierre was going to die.

So we went outside with our fishing nets and some raw hot dogs to put on the ends of our hooks. Well, Pierre was being himself and running outside, and then when he smelled the fish he sat down next to us and then Jake went inside to get more hotdogs. Well he set his fishing pole down all baited up and ready to go, and when I had my head turned, Pierre swallowed the hot dog AND the hook.

So I looked over and saw Pierre trying to get the hook out of his mouth and he was going CRAZY! But I mean, it must have hurt having a hook stuck in your throat.

We took Pierre to the animal hospital and he has to have surgery to get the thing out. Poor Pierre. He is so young.

Well, he's eight.

Point is Pierre's not coming back for three days.

I'm gonna miss that little furry guy.

**A\N: Thanks for all the reviews! Fifteen more for this chapter, and I'll update tomorrow!**

**Love,**

**Nate**


	12. Jelly Beans Make My Tummy Hurt

**Chapter 12**

**Thursday, November 6**

**Still my birthday**

**5:05 pm**

Ms. Tranny emailed me. Why she emailed me, the world may never know. So anyway, she emailed me and said, "I watched you on TV last night. The whole thing was pretty funny, but you need to watch your language, young man." And then she attached some homework.

THAT LITTLE VIETNAMESE CUNT!

I can say whatever the fuck I want! She must have seen the clip of me cussing out Shane in his room.

And the homework? Honestly? She honestly thinks I'm going to actually waste precious moments of my life doing stupid biology worksheets?

Umm, yeah right!

Hell, I don't even go to school anymore! Why bother, anyway? I'm famous and have more money than I could ever spend in my whole entire life already, so why even bother?

Anyway, I have more important things to worry about than Ms. Transexual.

Oh, wait! Funny Tranny story!

Okay, so one time we were in class, obviously, and we were taking these fill-in-the-blank notes (or as our school calls, FIT-B notes, trying to sound cool) and Ms. Tranny and I have a lot of arguments and this is definitely one of the funniest.

Ms. Tranny: "I hate these FIT-B notes. Colleges don't do this. In college you get a blank sheet of paper and take notes on that. I want everyone to just get out a sheet of paper and write on that instead."

Me: "Well we're not in college, now are we, _Ms_. _Tran_? How 'bout in college I stop taking FIT-B notes."

"Well we're preparing you for college, _Nate._"

"We're ALWAYS preparing for college! What happens when we get to college? What do we prepare for then?"

"The real world."

"Okay. So what about when we're in the real world? What do we prepare for then, huh? Death?"

"…"

"Do we get fill-in-the-blank notes when we're dead, then?"

"Nate…"

"Ms. Tran…"

"Shut up."

You know, I actually have a whole notebook of all the hilarious things Ms. Tranny said. Here are some of the best.

"With the economic recession, if you guys don't go to college, you WILL become a hobo and you WILL eat banana peels out of a dumpster."

"We call it bacillus because it looks like a really long rod."

"I do not recall ever having a 'preggerz slut' in my class."

"Everyone, get your lab partner, turn to page 69, and prepare a wet mount."

Am I the only one who thinks that's absolutely hilarious? Wet mount? Come on, think of that with a dirty mind. Especially on page 69, too.

This one's the best:

"I would NEVER make out with a hot dog, no."

**5:07 pm**

Mum came into my room and told me she has a HUGE surprise for my birthday tonight.

I'm really excited!

**5:14 pm**

Oh my god. I just sharpened a pencil and there was no lead in it! Like I sharpened it all the way and there was no lead what so ever!

Office Max sucks.

To the max.

I'm gonna boycott it.

No, I'm actually not. But Whitney sure would.

She does things like that.

**6:43 pm**

Shane surprised me with his birthday present.

He put a dead crawfish in the mailbox, tied a bow around it, and shoved it in a box.

Well I was opening the thing and I reached my hand inside and touched the dead fish and screamed my ass off. It was the most disgustingly slimy thing I've ever touched in my entire life. Shane was laughing hysterically and the stalker cameras got it all on film.

**6:57 pm**

I'm eating some jelly beans one of the PPA's gave me.

I have no idea why, because I HATE jelly beans.

They make my tummy hurt.

I remember one time I was at the doctor's and I had to get a shot and I was like crying and whatnot and a nurse turns to me and says, "Do you want a jelly bean?" And I was like, "NO!"

**11:20 pm**

Oh my god, best birthday EVER!

The present my mum gave me was so-o-o much better than that dead fish.

Well around seven, she came into my room and said, "Time to go!"

And I was like, "Where are we going?"

And she put a blindfold on me and shoved me in the limo. And we drove for a while and then she took me out of the limo and I was like, "Where are we? Can I take off the blindfold now?"

"Not yet!"

And we kept walking.

Then we stopped.

"Okay, you can take it off now."

So I untied it and my jaw dropped when I saw the hotel. Mum had planned a surprise party for me and rented out the WHOLE ENTIRE Ritz hotel in downtown Dallas. There was a GIANT banner on the top of the fancy hotel doors that read, "Happy Birthday Nate!"

And EVERYONE was there, too, standing in front of the hotel waiting for me. I started like freaking out.

So I was standing there flipping out when my three bestest friends, Whitney, Andi, Ben, and Dimitri came up to me and we all had this huge group hug. And then when I was all being happy and cheerful, I saw Caitlyn and my heart literally skipped a beat.

She walked up to me in this oh-so sexy way and kissed me on the cheek. And then we all walked into the hotel together.

Well the fun didn't stop there because the hotel was _decked out_. Like when I say decked out, I mean decked out. Do you remember that one episode of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody where London has her birthday in the hotel? Well think of that times ten.

There were balloons EVERYWHERE and even a pony!

And Gwen Stefani's kid was riding the pony! He looked so cute.

Well my party was so-o-o much better than Miley Cyrus's lame Disney World birthday party that she didn't bother to invite me to, and all the employees were dressed in shirts that read, "Nate Gray's 16th birthday party."

Well everyone who was anyone was there. Mum must have sent out an invite to everyone who's ever been in a trashy celeb mag. I mean, even Amy Winehouse was there!

So I was just standing there in awe and all my friends (besides Caitlyn) were freaking out because of all the celebrities in the vicinity.

Then Dimitri yelled, "MARGARET CHO!" and ran off.

Anyway, there I was, talking to all my homies when Mum told me that we were gonna eat cake soon.

So we all went outside to the back courtyard and I saw something sorta like at Miley's party. There was a sort of stage thing and sitting on it was the HUGEST cake I've ever seen. Like bigger than that Miley chick's. And then there was a huge ball type thing. Like in New York City at New Year's.

So then I gasped and ran over to my cake. And it was fantastic looking! It was in the shape of a bunch of boxes of presents with bows on them and it was bigger than I was. So I stood on the platform with Mum and Whitney and then one of the hotel workers lit all the candles and all of the people started singing 'Happy Birthday' to me.

And then that huge ball thing opened up and all this confetti came out and everyone was clapping. It was the coolest thing ever!

Then Mum handed me an envelope and she had a microphone and said into it, "Nate, I got this made especially for you."

So I ripped open the envelope and there was a picture inside. Of a jet painted in green, my favourite colour, and it had a picture of me on it and said, "The Nate Jet." Well I started screaming because my mum BOUGHT ME MY OWN PRIVATE JET! And it doesn't stop there! She handed me another picture and it was a picture of an island.

SHE BOUGHT ME AN ISLAND!

MY OWN PRIVATE ISLAND!

And it has a house already built of me. And my mum said that it was my "bachelor pad."

Whatever that means.

Anyway, I got my own private island and jet and 'bachelor pad' so I'm all set.

And then I got a whole bunch of other gifts, but the island and the jet were by far the best.

So anyway, we partied. Mum got drunk and took off her wig. Jason threw up in a vase in the hallway of the tenth floor, Dimitri and I splashed most of the water out of the hot tub, and Andi and I threw toilet paper out of the window of the top floor.

Well Andi and I are gonna go fuck up some employees lives by making the hotel look like a disaster. Tell you about it later!

**12:12 am**

Andi and I bribed one of the hotel employees to give us the master key to all the hotel rooms, and we broke into Jason's room where he was sleeping (cause he's still sick, how lame) and we literally moved EVERYTHING. Like we flip-flopped the whole room.

He's gonna be so-o-o confused when he wakes up.

**12:55 am**

Most everyone left. Just my friends who are staying overnight are here.

Anyway, Caitlyn and I are gonna go down to the ballroom and dance.

**3:27 am**

We're probably all going to pull an all-nighter.

**7:42 am**

Everyone finally crashed.

The whole party was so much fun! We fucked up so many people's days. It's gonna be a bitch to clean up our mess. Well, we broke a window on the eighth floor and a statue on the first. Then we broke five vases playing football. See, our football game was intense. Because of the way the hotel is built, you can throw things to other stories and so when we say 'go long!' we mean 'go long.' Like, go-up-seven-stories long.

Andi and I spend around fifteen minutes spitting on people on the first floor from the top. And then we tried to play basketball with slices of pizza. We threw slices of pizza all the way down to the first floor, and the goal was the fountain in the main lobby.

I won, by the way.

Don't even get me started on the food fight we had in the restaurant.

But even though most of the night was loud and obnoxious, we did have a few quiet moments. Like when we were eating cake and Jason threw up in the vase.

Well… that wasn't exactly quiet because I was laughing my ass off.

But Caitlyn and I danced to a slow song. We were the only ones in the ballroom at 4 am, but it was so romantic and nice.

This was THE best birthday party I've ever had.

Way better than that Miley bitch's party that I wasn't invited to.

**Friday, November 7**

**5:03 pm**

Just woke up.

**5:30 pm**

Spent the last thirty minutes looking for Mum's wig she lost last night when she was drunk. I found it in the same vase Jason threw up into. She didn't want it back.

**6:17 pm**

Went home.

I went into the living room to watch some TV, but when I went in there I realized something was missing.

The TV.

I said, "Shane, where's the TV?"

And he said, "Oh. Yea. The TV. I sold is yesterday for some drugs."

**6:13 pm**

My brother sold our high-definition TV for a bag of weed.

**6:58 pm**

Okay, so I was practising my trombone because I haven't practised in like… forever… and so I was playing and I heard this rattling sound. And I thought something was like unscrewed or something, so I try to fix it.

And then I hear Shane scream, "NOOOOO!" and run into the music room as fast as he could. And he grabbed my trombone and pulled out the main tuning slide and dumped it out and a syringe fell out of it!

So then he took it, went over to the table, tied some sort of rubber band around his arm, and injected heroin into his arm. And then made all these weird noises.

He was keeping his drugs in my trombone…

How lame.

**7:01 pm**

Wait, it doesn't stop there, because Jason came into the room to get some more flu medicine and he looks at Shane shooting up and yells, "Shane, are you using heroin!?"

Shane was like, "No."

"Yes you are! What the hell is that?"

"Heroin! And it's none of your business anyway!"

"Hell yea it's some of my business! You're living in this house under my roof and my rules! What did I say about doing drugs in the house?"

"Do it?"

"No!"

"So I'll do it."

"What?"

"Bye Jason!"

And then Shane ran upstairs and locked himself in his room.

Well Jason started mumbling something and went into Mum's room.

**7:06 pm**

Jason is acting like he's on CSI: Miami. He went around the house, sniffing empty plastic bags from the trashcan. And then he put them in a bigger plastic bag labeled, "Evidence."

And then he went outside and came back inside with a dirty and disgusting empty Starbucks coffee cup, held it up in the air, and said, "Ah ha! Evidence!"

I asked, "Evidence of what? That people litter?"

"No, that Shane is doing heroin."

"And this dirty Starbucks cup proves it?"

"Nate, do your homework."

"I don't have homework."

"Well get some and do it."

So I rolled my eyes and said, "Okay…"

**7:18 pm**

Tee hee, the most hilarious thing just happened!

Okay so Jason called together a 'family meeting.' God, I hate those.

Well anyway, we all gathered in the family room and Jason points accusingly to Shane and says, "MUM, SHANE IS USING HEROIN."

And Mum looks over at Shane and then back and Jason and says, "So?"

"Don't you care that your son is doing hard-core drugs?"

"… Not really."

Then Jason muttered, "Oh my god…" and went upstairs to his room.

And Mum went, "What a waste of my time. I have more important things to do than this."

And Shane just laughed.

**8:45 pm**

Dad called me. He told me he got married.

In Vegas.

I win.

His new wife is expecting already.

Expecting as in, expecting a child. How gross is that? I mean, the whole pregnancy thing just is so gross. Like the way it comes out.

EW.

**9:02 pm**

I think I might be mentally unstable right now.

Well the whole situation I'm currently in just hit me like a ton of red bricks.

Jason came into my room and said, "I can't believe Dad would do something like that!"

And I said, "Well I can."

"I know, but this time there's a pregnancy involved. Nate, we're gonna have a half brother or sister."

And I said, "… Okay."

And then Jason started cursing Dad's name and left in a huffy.

Well I thought about it for a moment.

And then I started crying.

And then I started bawling.

It was like watching the Land Before Time all over again.

And I like started hitting things and screaming, "Fuck it! Fuck it all to fucking Hell!"

And… I kinda don't want to tell anyone this, but I guess since you, Diary, are an inanimate object, I can tell you. You promise not to tell anyone? Okay, well I cut myself. Yea, like as in emo. I just thought that maybe all the movies and books about it were right. And that it would make the pain stop.

Well it didn't. And it hurt like a fucking bitch.

And now I just dripped some blood on you.

Sorry.

I'm gonna go get some bandages.

**9:25 pm**

Ate dinner.

Got the most tragic news of my life.

MY MUM GOT ME A HOME TUTOR!

The dudes at my school called and said if I don't get an education, they're gonna throw Mum in jail.

So Mum hired a tutor.

And I'm gonna meet her tomorrow.

**9:43 pm**

I'm going to bed. Night.

**Saturday, November 8**

**9:09 pm**

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

My tutor just pushed me out of my bed.

Mostly because I refused to wake up. And I told her to piss off.

And so she pushed me off the bed. And I fell on the floor.

And it really hurt.

**10:24 pm**

I am sitting at my kitchen desk. Working.

As in doing worksheets.

It's disgusting.

And the tutor lady is this huge bitch. She's old. And has wrinkles. And she keeps yelling at me because I don't know jack shit about anything.

**12:16 pm**

On lunch break.

I went over to the Playboy mansion.

Hung out with the remaining PPA's. There's only like ten left. This is getting really close.

**3:59 pm**

Just learned how to "graph linear equations" in maths.

School sucks big, giant, hairy, sweaty monkey balls.

**5:30 pm**

School's finally over!

Mrs. Bitch Lady finally left.

Good thing too, because I hate Mrs. BL. She's mean! And she slapped me on the shoulder and said, "No!" when I tried to take some of her M&M's.

**5:34 pm**

I want that M&M hogging bitch lady to be fired.

And to go die in a hole. But I mean, she's like ninety. She's ready to kick the bucket soon, anyway.

**7:02 pm**

Told Mum I want to be homeschooled. She said, "You are." And I said, "No. Like without the help of a tutor. Just like… you."

And she said, "I'll see what I can do."

**7:09 pm**

Mum didn't do jack shit about the situation. She just called Mrs. BL and told her to come tomorrow at eight!

**9:57 pm**

Ughh… Life sucks right now.

I really want to go back to my old school. And be with my friends. And even – Ms. Tranny.

I miss the craziness.

**10:12 pm**

Just cried for like ten minutes.

**10:17 pm**

I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I cut myself again.

Must have been Mrs. BL that made me do it.

I blame her for this!

**10:23 pm**

Thinking of taking my private jet and running away to my island and not telling anyone.

**11:51 pm**

I was sitting in my room crying and Shane knocks on the door and says, "Nate?"

And I hold back my tears and say, "Yea?"

And Shane comes in my room. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I said and wiped away some tears.

"Why are you crying?"

"No reason."

"Well there has to be a reason."

And then I rolled up my sleeves and showed him the cuts I gave myself.

He said, "Oh… I see… yes, I know how to fix this."

And then he pulled out a bag of weed from his back pocket. And took me outside. And we smoked some weed. It smelled and tasted horrible at first. But then it was all like… awesome. Dude. Totally.

But then I got into a coughing fit. And it was horrible.

I don't think I'm gonna smoke again.

**Sunday, November 9**

**8:04 am**

Mum woke me up four minutes ago. Mrs. BL is coming over.

I have a hangover.

Shane got me drunk off my ass last night. I don't know how he got me to drink all of it because I… don't remember.

But I know he got me drunk.

**8:08 am**

Just threw up.

Ewwww.

**8:11 am**

Mum called the bitch and told her not to come. Because I'm sick.

Mum said, "Oh dear, Nate, you must have caught the flu from Jason."

And I said, "Yea. Exactly."

**6:54 pm**

Fell asleep.

Threw up.

Slept some more.

Puked some more.

Shane told me bananas help with hangovers, but when I ate a banana, I just barfed again.

No way am I ever listening to that maniac again.

**Heyyy peeps!**

**Nate here.**

**Just wanna tell you how much I love you. KISSES! And for those of you Frenchies, BISOUS!! Sorry I couldn't share more of my diary sooner, but as some of you may know, decided to be a huge bitch these past few days and wouldn't let me log in. And I know I promised you a new chapter Saturday night, but here it is now! Sorry for the wait! **

**15 more reviews BY TONIGHT-ish and I'll update tomorrow night.**

**Love, Nate**

**PS-** **If you review, you get a virtual slice of King cake I made myself! Happy Mardi Gras, everyone!**


	13. ZOMGZ My Life Sucks Ass

**Chapter 13**

**Sunday, November 9**

**7:05 pm**

Jason just reprimanded me.

He found out about the weed. And me getting drunk.

How he finds out this stuff I don't know.

Well, I got my ass kicked, so to speak, and now Jason isn't talking to me.

And he took away my computer.

**7:08 pm**

I just had a thought of suicide just now.

**7:09 pm**

Don't worry, I'm not actually going to kill myself.

**7:10 pm**

Scared ya, didn't I?

**7:54 pm**

I wrote a poem.

Want to read it?

_  
Don't know how  
but I'll get by  
Slowly pull myself together_

There's no escape  
So keep me safe  
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it seems  
Turn my grief to grace

**7:55 pm**

Yea, I'm pretty dark and twisty at the moment. 

**8:01 pm**

It seems like everyone hates me…

Mum, Jason, Shane…

I don't know why Shane hates me, but he always acts like that, I guess.

**8:23 pm**

That's it.

I've made up my mind.

I'm running away tonight.

I'm going to California where Dad is right now and I'm going to live there with him.

Screw Jason and Mum and Shane. Screw school. Screw Texas. I'm out of here!

**12:06 am**

I'm in my private jet right now.

And I called Dad and told him I was coming to visit him.

How I got out of the house without someone noticing is still an enigma to me. I mean, I knocked over a plant on the way out.

**4:12 am**

**Beverly Hills, California**

I got off the plane and thanked my plane driver, and then hailed a taxi and went to the address Dad gave me.

He was very surprised to see me this early in the morning, but hey. I told him I was coming.

**9:48 am**

Dad woke me up and made me toast.

I think I'm gonna like living here in California.

**3:14 pm**

Is it normal for your dad to lock you in a closet?

I think I just got kidnapped…

Maybe we're playing hide and go seek or something.

**5:26 pm**

Fucksicles on ice! I have been kidnapped!

Okay so Dad let me out of the closet to go pee and then we I tried to leave, he put a gun to my head and said, "You try to leave and you die."

So I was like, "What?"

And he said, "Nate, I'm not letting you go back to your mother's. She's a crazy woman."

I said, "Well you're acting pretty crazy yourself."

"I'm just protecting you."

"… Okay, Dad."

"Get back in the closet."

And I was like, "No!"

And he said, "Do it, fag!"

So I like ran back into the closet.

And here I am!

**6:09 pm**

Sometimes, I like to feel rusty spoons.

**9:32 pm**

Broke out of the closet.

Tee hee, out of the closet.

And I called the coppers.

They said they'd be here soon.

**9:34 pm**

Ran back in the closet when Dad came out of his bedroom.

Hiding.

I'm like Anne Frank.

**9:37 pm**

I hear sirens.

**9:38 pm**

Ha ha, I just sneezed and farted at the same time.

**9:40 pm**

Still laughing about what just happened.

Hahaha.

**10:14 pm**

Well that was the scariest thing that just happened in the history of ever.

I got like held hostage.

I don't even know why.

Umm… okay…

So my dad's officially crazy and so is my mum.

Wow.

Basically, there were a bunch of police people surrounding my dad's house and one of them had a mega horn or whatever the hell it's called, and Dad had a window open in the guest room, which overlooks the street, so I was tied to a chair, sitting by the window, and Dad was there with his gun. And he was like, "I'm gonna shoot him!" And I was like, "Dad, you're not gonna shoot me…"

Yea, he didn't shoot me.

Hell, he's blind. How would he know if he was shooting a lamp or me?

Besides, why would anyone want to shoot me?

Don't answer that.

But anyway, I'm sitting in the police office. They aren't letting me go until I have a ride.

A ride to where?

I'm NOT going back to Texas.

Maybe I can have them just drop me off at a random address or a hotel or something. I mean, I have all my money and stuff. I could just chill at a hotel for a bit. Then I could go to my private island! Fun!

This is probably going to work out better than I expected after all.

**11:34 pm**

Told them my mum was staying at the Ritz hotel in LA.

So they had someone take me there.

Haha, suckers.

But anyway, I got a room and now I'm chillin.

Texted Whitney. She hasn't called me back. But she goes to bed at eight, so I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get a message back until tomorrow morning.

**Tuesday, November 11**

**9:08 am**

Ugh, oh my god. I'm so bored.

Running away is boring.

**9:45 am**

Got a call from Jason.

He said, "Nate!"

And I was like, "Jason!"

"Nate, where are you?"

"Places."

"Are you at Whitney's house?"

"No."

"Then where are you?"

"Jason I ran away. God."

"You WHAT?"

"Ran away."

"Why?!"

"Because everyone hates me, Jason!"

And then I hung up.

Grrr….

I just actually growled.

And it was really loud, too.

**11:23 am**

Jason's a creeper.

So I was sitting in the little restaurant they had in the hotel eating breakfast, and Jason texted me and said, "Are you enjoying your breakfast?"

And I texted him back saying, "What?"

"The Ritz is a fancy hotel. Very expensive. But their food's really good."

"Oh my god, how do you know this?"

"You're in room 705 at the Ritz in LA."

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Nate, I tracked your credit cards. You're an idiot."

"You're creepy."

"I'm coming to get you tomorrow."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"Well I'm running somewhere else."

"What makes you think I won't track you down again?"

He won't track me down because I'm going to my private island.

**11:49 am**

Plane dude said he'd be here in about five hours.

Good.

I will pack and go my island and no one can find me there!

MU HAHAHAHA!

**2:12 pm**

Went walking around LA for a bit.

Jason called me like ten times.

He wants me to come back home.

Nope. Screw him.

I have a bag to pack and a private jet to… catch…

**2:13 pm**

Just realised I didn't come here with a bag.

I only brought my wallet, my phone, and you, you damn diary.

**5:56 pm**

Holy shit.

Screw the island thing. I'm going back to Texas.

Jason texted me and told me that there was 'something terribly wrong with Pierre and I needed to come home quick and say goodbye.'

So I called him was like, "WHAT?"

And he said, "Yeah, they found out that Pierre has a brain tumor. He had a seizer last night and we're gonna put him down tonight. So come home quick."

At first I thought it was all a scam to get me to come home, but Jason sounded pretty convincing so I'm heading back to Texas right now.

**Friday, November 14**

**Hell, I don't know what time it is.**

Oh. My. Jesus. Christ. Wagons.

You will not believe what the hell happened to me.

Ok so I flew in as close as I could to my house, but I was still like a mile away, so I bought a bike and started riding it all the way back home.

Well, I was riding it really, really fast because I wanted to get home before, you know, Pierre kicked the bucket, and then when I was riding down my street I was going like faster than I ever have on a bike before and I saw Jason come out of the house, so I tried to yell to him and wave, only I lost control of the bike and crashed into one of those little rain gutter things at the end of the street, and I literally flew off of the bike, and did a face plant into my driveway.

At first I was in total shock and I totally didn't know what the Hell had just happened, and nothing hurt.

And then like two seconds later, my whole body just started hurting. It felt like Oprah Winfrey sat on me after eating twenty-five Big Macs. And then shanked me.

So I started screaming and crying and Jason came over and was like, "OH MY GOD!"

And so he called 9-1-1 and an ambulance came and I was still screaming and whatnot, so they took me away on this stretcher thing-a-ma-bob. Well Jason was in the ambulance with me, and I was still screaming my head off, cause it FUCKING hurt, and Jason was like, "Is there a way to shut him up!?"

So I was like, "Gimme the drugs! I want the drugs!"

Anyway, they gave me the drugs, and I felt like Shane after he gets high and then they took me to the emergency room and I felt like I was in an episode of House.

I was pretty out of it when they drugged me up so it was kinda cool. I pretended like every one of the doctors there was a different character on House. Which made the whole thing so much cooler. Ish. I guess. But what's really cool about being at a hospital anyway?

But what wasn't cool was I had to have surgery to fix my leg. That was lame. I shattered the bone in my right leg. I don't even know what 'shattered' means. Like how the hell would you fix that? Did they like super glue my leg back together?

All I remember is that I was practically half asleep and Jason was talking to the doctor I decided was Dr. Cuddy from House and she was saying all this medical mumbo jumbo and then Jason started crying and said, "First the cat, now this?"

Then I fell asleep.

But anyway, I woke up in a different place and it was sorta like my weird fantasy. Don't laugh, but I've always wanted to wake up naked in a shopping cart under a bridge. It's like our neighbours that used to live next door. The wife kicked her husband out and he slept in a shopping cart under the bridge for like a month.

But he didn't sleep naked.

Atleast I hope not.

**Later**

I'm bored out of my mind.

I turned on the TV, but turned it off when they were talking about me and my bike accident. Shit, news travels fast. Next week I'll be on the cover of US weekly.

**Nighttime**

It's pitch black out.

Just realised my cat's dead…

**Even later**

I started crying and now the doctors think I'm depressed. And they're gonna get me a therapist.

Fuck my life.

**Even later and about five minutes**

Tried to tell them I was just sad my cat died. But then they saw the cuts on my arm.

Damn them to bloody Hell.

**Sunday, November 16**

**9:02 am**

They finally put a working clock in here.

**9:07 am**

I've been in the hospital five days and no one has visited me.

**9:08 am**

That's really depressing.

**9:34 am**

Oh, look. Breakfast.

**10:22 am**

Jason came and visited. Finally a visitor.

He said, "Hey, Nate, how are you feeling?"

And I was like, "Um… Okay, I guess."

"That's good."

And then we had this awkward pause.

Jason is really awkward to talk to.

"So do you like cats or dogs more?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"Which one?"

"Um dogs."

"Okay bye." And then he left.

**4:05 pm**

Jason bought me a dog.

Does he not realize I'm still grieving for Pierre? What the hell is this?

He even brought it too. Like to the hospital.

Jason came into the room when I was sleeping and it came up and licked my face and I woke up and was like, "What the hell?"'

It's disgusting looking. Like I'm not joking. It doesn't have any fur. It's a Mexican Hairless Dog.

I named it Miley.

Cause Miley's an ugly bitch and so is my new dog.

Get it? Cause my dog's a girl and female dogs are bitches…

You get it, you get it.

It's funny.

Miley's wearing a sweater vest.

Like a doggie sweater vest.

And a skirt.

Well, she's not as slutty as Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus would be wearing nothing.

**4:09 pm**

Just cried for about five minutes straight.

I miss Pierre and this dog reminds me so much of Miley Cyrus.

This is just depressing.

**5:00 pm**

Jason left.

He watched me cry for like thirty minutes and then got up and went home.

And left me with this… fur-less monster.

**5:05 pm**

Miley just bit my left ear… Which, sadly, isn't as dirty as it sounds.

**5:17 pm**

Hey, everyone, check out my new bitch!

**6:56 pm**

Whitney came and visited me.

She was like, "Sorry I couldn't visit earlier, but they said you weren't allowed to have visitors."

I was like, "Oh."

"Cause right when Jason called me, I ran down here, but they wouldn't let me see you."

"Well thanks… for thinking of me."

"Yea."

And then Miley stalked out from behind the couch, went over to Whitney, and barfed right next to her.

And Whitney was like, "WHAT THE HELL?!"

And I was like, "Miley, you bitch!"

"Who's Miley?"

"My bitch."

"NATE!"

"What!?"

"We don't refer to our girlfriends as our bitches!"

"No, Miley's the dog."

"Oh."

**8:44 pm**

Fuck my life.

So basically, Whitney and I decided to take a walk down to the cafeteria to eat dinner there.

Well, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs.

Do NOT fall down stairs on crutches.

I broke my wrist.

**9:57 pm**

Get this, get this. My new therapist, Dr. Bob, says I need to do reflective writing in you.

What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?

Well Dr. Bob (yea what a lame name) barged into my room and said, "Good evening."

And I said, "Back off, you hobo, I'm sleepin' here."

He told me I had anger issues.

I told him he's a poopface.

He gave me a journal.

I held up you and said, "I already have one."

Then he said, "That's good. Write in it."

"I already do."

"Can I read it?"

I scoffed.

"Do you do reflective writing?"

"… No."

"Then what do you write in it? Stories?"

I scoffed again. Stories? PSH!

"Look, I don't need you, _Robert_. I'm not depressed."

"Why did you cut yourself then?"

And I was all like, "Look dude, it's none of your business!"

Then he said, "I just want to help you."

"Well I don't fuckin' need your help! Leave me the hell alone, asshole!"

Then he left.

**9:59 pm**

Let's reflect on today…

Today, I realised my cat was dead, got a dog from Hell to replace him, fell down some stairs, and got harassed by a hobo named Dr. Bob.

FML

**A Note From Nate:**

Hello my prostitue-raping, tittie flashers!

Nate Gray here. Just wanted to say thanks for reading and reviewing. Never knew my writings would be so popular! I guess I'm just so loveable.

Just wanted to tell you I'm gonna try a new thing here - When you review, if you want me, Nate, to respond back, just start your review with "Dear Nate." I will respond with my own little personal message. And I promise it will be hilarious and good. Maybe we could even chat about... who knows? Boob jobs? Penises? Miley Cyrus?

OOH OOH! And shout out to my new penpal, Christina! She's so cool. And Irish. Me and her used to share an island, how cool is that? Love you, skank.

So you better send me a message, bitches.

Love,

Nate


	14. Avocados Are GAY

**Chapter 14**

**Monday, November 17**

**5:06 am**

Can't sleep

I woke up in the middle of the night and my wrist and my leg were hurting like a fucking bitch and then I couldn't go back to sleep. Still can't.

I asked for more morphine but they said I was already maxed out.

Screw them.

**5:12 am**

The demon dog bit me on my leg. It hurt. A lot.

Made me wish even more I had that damn morphine.

**9:45 am**

I cannot believe this.

Dr. Bob came in here when I was asleep and asked if he could read my journal. And me, being half asleep, said, "Sure whatever."

And he read you.

And now he thinks I'm "clinically depressed."

And crazy.

And a major druggie.

They drug tested me because they thought Whitney brought me drugs.

Whitney? A drug dealer? That girl can't even say the word 'shit.' She says 'oh poo!' Like she's gonna have drugs on her… Andi, maybe, but NOT Whitney.

**1:22 pm**

Shane called Miley Cyrus and told her that I had died. Then gave her the hospital name and my room number.

She came running in when I was asleep, saying, "Nate, are you really dead!?"

And I woke up and turned over and said, "Um… no."

Then she said, "DAMN!" and stormed off.

**5:30 pm**

Mum sent one of the PPA's, Kelsey, to come visit me.

She is by far the nicest PPA of them all. She sat with me for an hour and we played Battle ship and chess. Then she convinced my doctor to let me go home tomorrow.

And she thinks that my dog is the 'ugliest piece of shit she's ever seen in her whole entire life.'

We agree on one thing, at least.

**11:56 pm**

Okay, it's time to do some 'reflective writing.'

I wouldn't normally do this, but Dr. Hobo is sitting right there, watching me write.

Today, Miley fell in the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight for my bed. FML.

**Tuesday, November 18**

**Home**

**Noon**

Kelsey and Jason picked me up from the hospital.

I'm officially a cripple.

I got a handicapped parking sticker. How lame.

Literally.

And a wheelchair.

Even lamer.

No pun intended.

**3:09 pm**

Kelsey bought me a cane. It's black and has flames on the bottom of it.

I literally screamed when she got it for me.

I'm like Doctor House.

Now I just need an orange pill bottle to carry everywhere, filled with drugs.

**4:12 pm**

I am so cool. Tee hee.

**5:34 pm**

Whitney came over.

She's going to Colorado for fall break and needs me to take care of her hamster, Jeremy.

I said, sure. And Jeremy is in my bedroom.

Whitney gave me a whole list of instructions.

Jeremy is a very high-maintenance little thing. I have to make it salads and make sure it plays in its exercise ball every morning from eight to eight thirty. Then I have to brush its hair.

I don't even brush my own hair.

I hire people to do that.

**6:27 pm**

Today, I talked to a hamster named Jeremy because no one else would listen. FML.

**7:18 pm**

Hanging out at the Playboy mansion. There are only five contestants left. Kelsey, that Aussie dude, Josh, Jake, and Maria. They were all drinking margaritas in the hot tub, but because of my damn casts, I couldn't get in the hot tub. So I had to drink my virgin margarita outside the hot tub. Which was bogus.

**9:02 pm**

I accidently just threw away a whole box of chocolates.

**10:45 pm**

Mum told me to take Miley for a walk.

I was walking along and saw some squirrels doing their mating thing.

Felt a pang of jealousy.

That squirrel can get laid and I can't.

But then Miley ate the I felt better.

**12:34 pm**

Reflection of the day.

Today, my mum slept all day. She got out of her room for five minutes to tell me to walk the dog and then told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed.

**Wednesday, November 19**

**10:10 am**

Mum managed to convince me that it was Saturday. I believed her for about fifteen minutes.

Then I looked at my phone's calendar.

**3:45 pm**

Just took like ten pain killers. Damn leg.

**4:18 pm**

Made some mac and cheese. For some reason, I took a bowl from the cupboard, filled it with some sink water, and then poured the water in the toilet. I think I had too much Tylenol.

**4:25 pm**

There's a lion on my shirt. It's wearing 3-D glasses. How cool is that?

**4:30 pm**

I took a trip to the year 3000…

**4:43 pm**

My dog. Just humped. My leg.

**12:03 am**

Shane decided to be a real douche bag.

I was in my room sleeping and he comes in, puts a blindfold on me, and then starts tying me up. So I woke up after he tied my hands behind my back and my feet together, so I was like, "WHAT THE HELL?!" and then he put a piece of duct tape over my mouth.

And then he picked me up, shoved me in the trunk of his car, and drove me out to the country by these train tracks. And then he tied me to them. And I start like trying to scream and so he starts laughing and gets me off of them, and takes off the duct tape once we're back in the car.

So I was like, "Why the hell did you do that?!"

And he said, "I dunno. I was bored."

**Thursday, November 20**

**12:34 pm**

Jason came home from the mall. He said, "Hey, everyone, I bought you guys some stuff!"

So I limped into the formal room where he was – free stuff, hey! – and he pulled out some shopping bags from Neimans. Then he said, "Nate, this is gonna blow your mind." Then he pulled out two purses and said, "TA DA!!"

I looked at them and said, "Purses? Are they for my girlfriend?"

He shook his head and said, "No, silly! They're for us!" And he put it on my right shoulder and said, "Look, we're twinsies!" and then put his on his shoulder.

I smacked him with my murse and limped away.

**12:35 pm**

I didn't know Jason was gay… So his girlfriend is a cover now?

**1:56 pm**

Jason has gone off the deep end.

He started taking pictures of avocados. Like I'm totally not even kidding. He put them all in rows, took a new camera out of his murse, and just started taking pictures of them.

I stood there watching him and then he petted one and started talking to it, so I said, "Jason? Are you okay?"

And then he turned around, burst into tears, and said, "I'M TRYING MY BEST, OKAY!? LEAVE ME ALONE!" And then he ran upstairs and slammed his door.

**3:04 pm**

I was lounging on the couch and Shane stumbles in, throws up on the carpet, and says, "I seem to be a bit drunk…" and then falls over onto the couch.

Then Miley came running into the room and started eating his barf.

**3:21 pm**

I looked under the cupboard and found a whole sack filled with avocados. I'm starting to get really freaked out.

**5:12 pm**

Shane and I were sitting in the formal room, watching Jason photograph his avocadoes.

When he wasn't looking, Shane took a few of Jason's avocadoes and went into the kitchen and made them into guacamole.

Then Mum came out of her room and said, "Oooh, guacamole!" and got some tortilla chips and started to eat it.

Well, Jason. Flipped. A shit.

He ran into the kitchen and was all like, "Oh my god, is that guacamole!?"

And Mum was like, "Yeah. Shane made it fresh. Want some?"

Then Jason started screaming and crying and stomping his feet. Then he was all like, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" and then ran upstairs.

What crawled up his ass and died?

**5:20 pm**

I've been pondering this for quite some time and have come to a conclusion that Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus is a pedophile. Sorta like my maths teacher, Mr. Jaynes. But he got caught and arrested during class. They still haven't caught that frizzy bitch.

**5:46 pm**

I went into my room to take a nap, but too bad for me, Jason was in his room, bawling his eyes out, and I couldn't sleep because it was SO goddamn annoying and so I went into his room and tried to get him to stop crying. (Not out of the goodness of my heart, but because I really wanted him to shut the bloody hell up.)

So I went in there and said, "Jason. What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

And he said, "I just" sniff "can't" sob "believe that" sniff "he would do that." And then he went off again with the waterworks.

I patted him on the back. "There, there, Jason. We can always buy more avocadoes. Want to go to Target right now?"

He shook his head, pushed me away, and screamed, "NOOOOO!" right in my ear, then ran downstairs and out the front door.

Now that he's stopped crying, I will have a nap. But first, I have to let Whitney's stupid gerbil or hamster or whatever the hell it is out. Part of its instructions is that I have to let Jeremy out of its cage to "play" for thirty minutes every day.

**5:47 pm**

Let the annoying thing out of its cage. Now I go sleep sleep.

**6:32 pm**

Oh. Fuck. I killed Jeremy.

I was just sleeping when I felt something tickling my nose. So I slapped it away.

It turned out to be Jeremy.

Well, Jeremy flew across the room, hit the wall, and died of a concussion.

**6:58 pm**

Went to the store. Bought a new Jeremy.

His name is Jeremy2.

Jeremy squared.

Whitney won't be able to tell the difference; they look exactly the same.

**7:12 pm**

I buried Jeremy (the first one) in the backyard.

I felt like a murderer.

Sorta like Shane.

**7:26 pm**

OH FUCK.

I just ripped a huge hole in my pillow!

I tore off that tag that says 'do not remove this tag under penalty of law.' (I'm such a rebel.)

Damn it!

Maybe I shouldn't have torn it off…

**7:30 pm**

Miley. Just. Farted. In. My. Face.

**8:11 pm**

Honestly, I don't know what the hell's wrong with my family. Mum is being really lazy and using the remaining four PPA's as servants, Jason is crying over the loss of his avocado babies, Shane and his girlfriend are ALWAYS high, and my dad kidnapped me… And Miley? Well, she's just being Miley.

Oh, yuck, "See You Again" reference.

Anyway, Shane's girlfriend, Mitchie, just stumbled in here, threw a deck of cards at me, and slurred, "Fifty-two pick up… you lose!" and then laughed and left.

So I had to pick up all the damn cards and then I threw them in Shane's room.

**9:03 pm**

Took Miley for a walk.

Epic fail.

She caught a whiff of a bunny and took out without notice and I dropped the leash. So she ran and I hobbled along as she ran. But then I was like, screw this, and went back home.

She'll be back.

**3:26 am**

Shane and Mitchie just burned our house down.

They were trying to light their cigarettes with the gas stove since they lost their lighters, only the fire didn't start right away, putting a lot of highly flammable gas in the kitchen, and so then when they lit a match…

BOOM!!!

(Triple exclamation. That's how big of a 'boom' it was.)

Fiery explosion in the kitchen.

Well the fire alarms went off and I woke up and screamed, "SON OF A WHORE!" and then I grab you, Diary, pull on some pajama pants, (I sleep naked, don't judge me) and then ran out of the house as fast as I could. Well, when I got there, I only saw Jason and Mum. So I was like, "Holy slut fucker, Mitchie and Shane are still in there!"

But then I heard them both giggling and they came out from the bushes and when they saw us, they started laughing their asses off and rolling in the grass.

Well Jason thought it was anything BUT hilarious, and he stormed over to Shane, pulled him up by his hair, slapped him across the face, and said, "THIS IS NOT FUNNY, SHANE."

This only made Shane laugh harder.

**4:46 am**

We had to get a motel room.

A MOTEL ROOM.

I cannot believe we're staying in this shit hole. Hotels are classy. Motels are trashy.

But we couldn't get a hotel room anywhere so we had to go to a motel.

FML.

We are all shoved in the last two motel rooms – Shane and Mitchie in one, and Jason, Mum, and I in the other.

**5:05 am**

I can't sleep.

I have a bunch of reasons why.

Jason kicks in his sleep and is kicking me off the bed and stealing all the covers.

My leg is hurting like a bitch and all of my pain killers are at my home, which was just burned down to the ground.

There's a hole in this comforter and I keep getting my toe caught in it.

I think there's some sort of rodent crawling on the floor.

These pillow cases smell like fuckery.

Shane and Mitchie are in the room next to us having sex.

Their bed keeps hitting up against the wall and making loud pounding noises echo through the room. Add in Shane's sex noises, and Mitchie's giggling and _voila! _You have insomnia! And a mental image burned into your corneas for the rest of your life.

**5:09 am**

I started banging on the wall screaming, "SHUT UP!" like ten times, but they just made it way louder and grosser.

**5:30 am**

Oh fuck.

While I was laying in bed, trying to sleep (but epicly failing), I remembered that Jeremy2 probably died in the fire.

DAMN IT! Now I gotta go buy another one!

Fuck. My. Life.

**7:05 am**

They're still at it… how is that even possible? I tried literally everything to get their… noises… out of my head. Earplugs, TV, music… NOTHING WORKS.

**9:01 am**

Oh my god…

Still.

STILL.

**Now For A Message From Nate:**

Helloooo my little ass-kissing cock suckers!

Nate here. Of course. I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for sending me all those nice messages! It made my stay in the hospital just that much more enjoyable. Keep sending me those sweet letters in your reviews, and I will keep responding.

I just wanted to let you know **AND THIS IS IMPORTANT NOW** - You can still review and I will respond, but I can't send any more PMs because I ran out (you only get 15 a day, how lame!) but never to fear, I now have an email address!

It's: dearnategray (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Still review and I'll do the review reply, but then if you want to chat more, just email me there and I'll respond.

Love,

Nate

PS- Shoutout to Girlfriend! LOVE YOU, BITCH.


	15. Transexual Neighbours

**Chapter 15**

**Friday, November 21 **

**12:22 pm**

Finally got to bed around ten.

But then I woke up when Jason kicked me off the bed and I screamed, "Bloody hell!" and then Mum woke up too. So Jason and Mum started making all this racket and when I tried to go back to sleep, Jason took a shower and Mum started drying her hair.

Then Mum slapped me and said, "Get up, you lazy asshole! Time for breakfast."

So I was like, "Ugh…" and didn't wake up. Well, Mum started whacking me with her purse so I got up and said, "I'm up, I'm up."

Then we went to the little lobby type thing – that we had to walk out of our room and into the wilderness for! – and got some waffles in the shape of Texas.

They were bogus.

I HATE Texas pride more than anything in the world.

Well I ate the part where we live and then put my head down and slept.

Then Mum called me a 'lazy good-for-nothing.'

And then she dragged me out of the lobby and told me I was an 'embarrassment.' I told her it was an embarrassment to be living in a cheap motel, and so now she's out looking for an apartment for us.

An apartment?

Honestly?

Poor people live in apartment.

My family and I do NOT live in apartments.

Or a motel.

Mum told me it was just temporary while we find a new house.

She better find a house soon; I do NOT want to be seen by anyone living in an apartment. That's like asking to be shot down by the celebrity police.

Oh, and bee tee dubs, our guest house burned down, too.

How retarded is that?

So now our remaining four PPA's have nowhere to stay. They slept in the limo last night. I'm not kidding.

Mum's also firing three PPA's tonight, which means… oh my god, we'll have a new assistant today!

Ooh, how exciting!

**1:56 pm**

Jason and I wanted to get out of the motel (cause Shane and Mitchie were having sex again) and so we went to a nearby park.

Well, we were at the park and I saw some old lady with a dog.

And the dog looked lot like Miley.

So I said to Jason, "That dog looks a lot like Miley." (Not Cyrus, but my dog.)

And Jason looked over and said, "Doesn't Miley only have one ear and half a tail?"

"Yea."

"Well so does that dog."

"Huh?" And I looked over again, and sure enough, it WAS Miley!

That bitch stole my bitch!

So I got up from the bench, went over to the lady, and said, "Excuse me, but you seem to have taken my bitch by mistake."

And she was all like, "What?"

"You STOLE my bitch!"

"You mean this dog? No, this is my dog. I adopted Sadie, yesterday."

"SADIE? No, no, no. That's Miley."

"Look, kid, you must be mistaken."

"Hey, lady, gimme my bitch back."

"I am appalled that you would talk to an elder that way, young man!"

Well that's when I flipped a shit. I started yelling and screaming in French. And I cussed that bitch-stealing bitch out.

She eventually gave me Miley back when Jason came over and calmly explained to the lady that we had lost Miley the other day and we would like her back, please.

I felt kind bad for the old lady cause she looked so sad, but I was so happy that Miley was back, safe in my arms again.

But then Miley stuck her tongue in my mouth and made out with me and I wanted to throw her in a dumpster.

**5:01 pm**

Mum found us a nice apartment.

We're moving in tomorrow.

I bought a new Jeremy, too.

Jeremy3.

Jeremy cubed.

Hopefully nothing tragic will happen like the last few times.

Oh, and Whitney called. She said, "Nate! I heard on E! news that your house burned down. Is everyone all right?"

So I was like, "Yea, we're all good. We bought an apartment and we're moving in tomorrow."

"You _are_ gonna buy a real house, right? No offence, but I can't imagine someone as classy and rich and spoiled as you would ever live in an apartment."

"No, we're still looking for a house. We just didn't want to keep living in a motel."

"Okay, cool. … So is Jeremy doing okay? You _did_ get him out of the fire, safe, right?"

"Oh, yea. He's fine. Totally fine. He's running around in his little hamster thing right now. HI JEREMY!"

"Good. Does Jeremy miss his mummy?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely."

"Nate? Are you okay? Your voice is all shaky and you sound like you do before you throw up. Are you sick or something?"

"Yea. I think I am. Look, I gotta go."

"Okay, well feel better."

"You too…"

And then I realised how awkward that sounded and hung up.

**Saturday, November 22**

**2:12 pm**

So-o-o glad to be out of that hell hole that is the motel.

We moved all of our stuff, which wasn't exactly much (just the clothes on our backs, Mum's Gucci purses and her Prada shoes, a shoelace Jason found on the floor, a red dildo that Mitchie brought (gross), you, and the hairdryer Mum stole from the motel.) into our new apartment.

Well, too bad for us, there was nothing in the apartment. Like nothing. No chairs or a table or furniture.

So we're improvising. And we bought five sleeping bags and some pillows.

**4:56 pm**

My mum just asked me for advice on giving a good blow job…

**6:35 pm**

I just got a text message from Jason. It said "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else.

**8:09 pm**

Tonight we had a very interesting dinner…

We got Chinese take-out and we had to eat it on the floor, sitting in a circle.

We had a "make believe" kitchen table.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, we still are filming our reality TV show. The stalker cameras are still here, even though I haven't mentioned them.

Oh and also, they got me crashing my bike on film.

I wanted them to delete it, but they're putting it in the next episode…

Great, now the whole world is gonna see me practically die.

Anyway, today at dinner we had the most awkward conversation. Ever.

Well Mum asked Mitchie, "So, Mitchie, should we get you a room in our new house? How long will you be staying with us?"

She shrugged. "Oh, I dunno. My mum kicked me out of the house."

I asked, "Why?"

"Oh, cause I got knocked up."

So I screamed, "WHAT?!"

And then Mitchie turned to Shane and said, "Oh yeah, we forgot to tell them!"

Mum stood up, started clapping, and said, "Congrats! Who's the father?"

Shane was like, "Me. Duh."

I nearly barfed right then and there.

And then Mitchie was like, "So can I chill with you guys for like… ever?"

And Mum said, "Welcome to the family, sweetie!" and hugged her. And then she said, "SHIT. I'M OLD! I'M A GRANDMA!" And then she started crying and ran off into her room.

So now Mitchie, my brother's girlfriend of a month, is a preggerz slut and my mum couldn't be prouder.

**11:24 pm**

Oh, yeah! Forgot to tell you! Kelsey, that one PPA that's really nice, was hired. And is now Mum's personal assistant.

She's living in a hotel right now until we find a house, but congrats to her!

**Sunday, November 23**

**10:43 am**

Shane just said 'peacock.' I burst out laughing. Haha, pea – COCK.

**1:23 pm**

Heard some weird noises coming from the room Mitchie was in. Then I saw her come out, my electric toothbrush in hand. And she looked around mysteriously and then put it back in the bathroom.

OH MY GOD.

**1:25 pm**

Threw away my toothbrush.

**2:56 pm**

Kelsey made me some mac and cheese!

All right!

**3:37 pm**

So you will never believe what just happened.

Shane and I started fighting over who had the bigger room (even though they're the exact same size) and so we started screaming at each other and Mum said, "If you're gonna murder each other, do it outside so I don't have to clean up the blood!"

So we went outside onto the porch.

Well then Shane took out Mitchie's red dildo and started whacking me with it, so I was like, "Hey! Stop it! It hurts!" Cause it did! Those things are painful, girls are so weird!

So then Shane threw it at me, only I ducked and then we heard someone yell, "OW!"

We look over, only to see Ms. Tranny herself – in the flesh – standing on the porch next to us, Mitchie's dildo in hand. She looked absolutely horrified when she looked at what had just hit her in the face and then dropped it on the ground, looked up at us, and said, "NATE?"

And I was like, "Oh, shit! Sorry, Ms. Tran."

She looked confused and then picked up the dildo, handed it to me, and said, "Is this yours?"

I took it but shoved it at Shane and said, "Here, Shane, take your girlfriend's sex toy."

Shane bopped me on the head with it and then went inside.

I was about to go back inside when Ms. Tranny said, "Nate, what are you doing here?" She didn't say it all rude like, but more confused like.

"Oh, we just moved here…" I trailed off. It was so awkward talking to a teacher outside of school. It's sorta like watching a dog walk on its hind legs. And the fact that I just hit her in the face with a used dildo made it so much more awkward.

"Okay… well… Hi, neighbour!"

Then I was like, "Umm… okay? Question mark?" and then I went back inside in a jiffy.

**5:02 pm**

Ms. Tran knocked on our door and I looked through the little eyehole thing, saw her, gasped, and ran, only I tripped over something and fell to the floor. Well, I started screaming cause one, I just got a really bad carpet burn, and two, there was a rusty nail lying on the carpet and I totally dove right into it.

And it was stuck in my palm.

So I was all like, "FUCK! SHIT! ASS! TITS!" and Mum was like, "Oh, stop hootin' and hollerin'! It's just the doorbell! Goddamn, you act like a dog!"

And she answered the door.

Ms. Tranny was all smiles and was like, "Hi, Mrs. Gray!"

Mum just kinda stared at her and said, "You want a picture or autograph or what?"

And she was like, "No, no, no, I just wanted to chill… Maybe have a few beers or something." (Oh, bee tee dubs, she's really awkward to talk to.)

Mum paused and then said, "Do I know you?"

Ms. Tranny was like, "Yeah. I'm Nate's biology teacher…"

"Who the hell is Nate?"

"Your son…?"

She had to think for a bit and then said, "Oh. Yea. HIM."

And then I was like, "Woman! What the hell? I'm hurt here, goddamn it, can't you see that?"

And Mum was like, "Oh, get over it, you big baby!"

"There's a fuckin' nail stuck in my hand, Mum! I can't just get over it!"

"You will if you just yank it out!"

"And you don't think I tried that? It hurts, you bitch!"

"Don't call me a whore!"

"I didn't call you a whore, I called you a bitch!"

And Ms. Tranny was like, "Did I come at a bad time?"

Mum said, "Don't you dare call me a bitch, you stupid cock sucker!"

Then Ms. Tran said, "You know what? I'll come back later." And then she left.

So Jason was like, "Why the hell are you guys yelling?"

And Mum pointed to me and said, "He started it!"

Then I said, "There's a friggin' nail stuck in my palm!"

Mum huffed and said, "You better clean up that blood stain, you good for nothing son of a whore…" and then she went outside.

Jason came over to me. "Let me see," and he grabbed my hand all motherly – like, and said, "Oh, ouch," in a way that made me want to kick him in the balls. "We should take you to the doctor's, eh?"

So I was like, "Ya think?"

Anyway, we went to the doctor's and they took the stupid nail out. Which hurt like a mofo, by the way. And then I had to get a Tetanus shot. Which hurt like a mofo, too.

Damn rusty nails always fucking up my day.

**8:21 pm**

Doorbell rang again.

It was Ms. Tran.

Again.

She invited us over for dinner.

Well, I was asleep on the couch when she practically invited herself into our living room. And she walked right over to me and kinda stared at me sleeping. And I could tell someone was standing there, so I said, "Whoever you are, fuck off."

And Ms. Tran was like, "You should really watch your language, young man."

And so I opened my eyes and saw her. "In that case, you should really fuck off."

"Nate…"

"Ms. Tran…"

"Nate…"

"I'm sleeping."

"We're about to leave."

"I'm not goin' anywhere."

Then Mum yelled, "YES YOU ARE!"

And I was like, "YEA, AND FUCK YOU."

Then Jason was like, "I'm so sorry, Ms. Tran, he's really grumpy when he's tired." And then he turned to me and whispered in French, "Nate, if you don't get up right now, I will personally rip out all of your organs one by one."

And I know he's totally not kidding, so I sat up and said, "Okay, I'm up."

So then I put on some jeans and Mum was like, "Someone go get Mitchie and Shane."

Well I went over to their room, knocked on their door, but all I heard was Mitchie yelling, "FUCK ME HARDER!"

So I was like, "Yea, they're not coming."

Anyway, we went to the Tranny house and right as we walked in, some little dog ran up to me. And started barking at me.

Ms. Tranny said, "Oh, yeah, that's Kamiko."

So I was like, "Hi."

And then we all sat down at her table and I put my head down and started sleeping like the way I used to do in her class every day and she gave us all some weird little Asian dinner.

And it was really gross.

I hate Asian food.

**Now For a Note From Nate:**

**Hellooo my Transexual Corn Starches!**

**Nate, here. Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews and letters! Leave fifteen more and I'll post the next chapter!**

**Love,**

**Nateypoo**


	16. Oh, yuck, ASIAN FOOD

**Chapter 16**

**Wednesday, November 26**

**3:45 pm**

You know who really pisses me off?

Fred.

You know, that damn annoying kid on YouTube who talks in a really high-pitched voice?

Yea, you know him.

Doesn't he just piss you off?

I'm gonna blog about him…

**6:36 pm**

Ms. Tranny has been like… stalking me. There's this one window that faces right into her living room from ours. Well, I sleep in the living room and every morning I wake up at 6 am (cause that's when Mitchie and Shane decide to have sex) and I look through that window and see Ms. Tranny standing there with her damn creepy-ass smile, waving to me.

It scares the fucking shit out of me.

She looks like a serial killer \ pedophile.

Well she always smiles and waves and I just stare at her with a really pissed-off look on my face. Then I turn away from the window and go back to sleep.

That happens. Every. Day.

Oh, and Ms. Tran comes home at exactly 6:42 pm. Every day.

And then waves to me.

**6:42 pm**

Oh, hey, Ms. Tran.

Nice to see your smiling face again.

NOT.

**7:20 pm**

Ms. Tran came over.

She said, "Hi, Nate, I hope you're not too busy right now."

And I said, "Naw, I was just sleeping, but it's not like anyone cares whether or not I get any rest around here."

"Great… so… Do you go to a school now?"

"No…"

"Do you have a tutor?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Cause school's lame."

"No it isn't."

"Yes. It is."

"Nate, I'm worried."

"About what?"

"About you."

"I'm not gonna hit you with another dildo if that's what you mean."

"No, about your education."

"Ew."

"It's gonna be ew when you're a hobo living in a trashcan and eating banana peels to stay alive."

"I'm not gonna be a hobo."

"You will if you don't go to college."

"No. I won't. News flash, Ms. Tran, I have more money than you could ever image. I own two private jets and an island. I'm not gonna be a hobo anytime soon."

"Well with the economic recession, you'll never know what might happen. Nate, if you don't get a good-paying job and support your family, you WILL be a hobo."

And I burst out laughing and said, "No. Really. I'm sleeping here."

Then she just stared at me with her stupid Asian face. And I stared back.

"You can leave now, Ms. Tran."

"I'm not going anywhere, Nate."

"I'll call the cops and have you escorted off the premises."

"No, you won't."

"You're right. I'm too lazy."

"Look, Nate, we gotta get your life back on track."

"It never got off the track."

"When you quit school it did."

"Well I'm not pregnant."

"What?"

"Usually when people fuck up their lives and quit school, it's because their eggo is preggo. Well since I don't have uterus, I'm pretty sure I haven't fucked up my life."

"… Tomorrow's Thanksgiving."

"… Okay?"

"I have the day off. Would you please come to my house? I will help you get your life back on track."

"I don't need your help. Nothing's wrong."

"Be at my house. Seven am."

"I wake up at noon."

"Seven. Am."

Then she left.

**8:56 pm**

Yea, she's definitely a pedophile.

**12:44 am**

How hard would it be to pee in your own mouth?

**12:45 am**

Yea, I'm not gonna try.

**Thursday, November 27**

**7:31 am**

Ms. Tranny pushed me off the couch at 7:01 this morning.

It hurt.

I was like, "Hey! What the fuck!?"

"Come on, we're burning daylight!" she said and helped me up.

"No. Tired. Sleep."

"MOVE IT OR LOSE IT PAL!"

Then I was like, "Jason! Jason, help me! This crazy bitch it trying to kidnap me!"

"Your whole family's gone."

"What did you do with them!?"

"No, they're at Disney World getting good publicity."

"And they didn't invite me?"

"Well you already had other plans."

"What other plans?"

"You're staying with me until Sunday. Your mum said so."

And that's when I died.

Right then and there.

Staying for three whole days with Ms. Tranny, the pedophile biology teacher from Hell?!

HOLY SHIT DUDE.

Then she grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the house and outside. Well, I thought she was gonna rape me or something, so I started screaming, "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!" at the top of my lungs.

Well she was all like, "Oh, hush, hush! Come on, let's go for a jog." And then she started jogging.

And I stood there all pissed off.

And she turned around and said, "Come on! Jog! We gotta get our blood flowing!"

And I said in a really pissed off voice, "I can't. I'm a cripple."

"Oh…"

So then we went into her house (which smells like Asian food, by the way) and she sat me down at her kitchen table and then she sat across from me.

Now here I am doing stupid biology worksheets. And maths sheets. And writing an essay for English.

**9:02 am**

Fell asleep for like twenty minutes while Ms. Tran blow dried her hair.

But then she came back, slammed a biology textbook on the table, and yelled, "WORK!"

**10:10 am**

I put down my pencil all dramatically, folded my arms across my chest, and sunk into my chair.

Ms. Tranny was like, "Nate, why aren't you writing?"

And I was like, "HUNGRY!"

"That's not how we ask for things."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Yes. It. Is."

"Ask politely and I'll get you a snack."

"Woman, I'm hungry."

"We'll have to work on that…"

**1:33 pm**

I feel like… I feel like I'm in a concentration camp.

The woman (or TW Frau) makes me work for like twenty minutes and then lets me outside on her porch for five minute breaks. Then gives me like ten club crackers.

And I'm totally not even kidding.

She just made me walk her stupid annoying dog. And it got a boner when I was walking it, too. Not kidding. It was so gross. Her dog's a perv.

And then TW Frau made me go back to work. And do more worksheets.

I just read a whole chapter of a textbook about foot fungus.

This is disgusting.

**3:15 pm**

I've decided that I'm going to go on a strike.

I REFUSE to do these worksheets.

I'll play the cripple card.

**3:25 pm**

I stopped in the middle of a sentence I was writing and went, "Oh… whoa…"

And Ms. Tran, who was watching reruns of Samantha Who, was like, "What?"

And I was like, "Man, I'm gonna hurl."

So she was all like, "Do you want to lie down and rest for a while?"

"Yea."

And I walked over to her couch where she was sitting, lied down on it, hogged all the space on her only couch, and then she put a blanket over me.

Which pissed me off to no end.

But anyway, I'm gonna take a nap. Since I "feel bad."

Nighty afternoon.

**4:43 pm**

Ms. Tran woke me up from my very nice nap and said, "Are you sure you're sick?"

And I was like, "Yup."

"Cause you don't have a fever."

"How would you know that, you creeper?"

"Nate, I know you're faking it."

And I said all dramatically and loud, "NO. I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT, MS. TRAN."

Then she did her stupid little smile that makes me want to shoot some puppies and said, "Nate…" in that goddamn annoying way she always does. Then shook her head and laughed.

"I'm on strike, Ms. Tran."

And she gave me the Tranny stare.

"You know I'm not moving, right? I'm gonna stay here, on your couch, so that you can't watch anymore of Samantha Who."

"Fine," she said and got up. "Since your tummy hurts, I guess you don't want these fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies I just made."

And I perked up and said, "Cookies? DAMN IT! You found my weakness."

Then she went over to a whole plate of them and started eating one and went, "Mmm… These are so good. Too bad you can't have any since you're sick and all."

And then I got off of her couch at the speed of a cripple and took five cookies.

Well she slapped my hand and took the cookies back and said, "Only if you do the worksheets."

So I grumbled and sat down at the table.

For every two worksheets I complete, she gives me a cookie.

My teacher is paying me in cookies…

**5:04 pm**

I finally finished all the stupid worksheets she gave me.

Yes…

**5:06 pm**

Wait, no, she just gave me another packet.

But on the bright side, I got another cookie!

**5:14 pm**

The woman just told me if I finish up to page 10 in the packet, she'll take me to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner.

Honestly, she just doesn't want to cook.

**6:27 pm**

FINISHED!

**8:30 pm**

Ms. Tran told me we were walking to the restaurant. I laughed in her face and said, "You're kidding right?"

And she shook her head and said, "Nope. We're saving the environment! Go green! Fight global warming!"

"Okay one, I don't _walk_ places, FYI. That's why cars were invented and why I have a limo. This isn't the twentieth century. Two, I don't believe in global warming. I think it's a myth made up by a bunch of Democrats so that we'll support them and buy hybrid cars. And three, I'm a cripple."

She said, "Oh, it's not that far!"

"Yes. It is."

"It's just across the street."

"WE CAN DRIVE THERE!"

"No, because that would be hurting the environment."

"Don't you have a Prius?"

"On a teacher's salary, are you kidding me?"

"How 'bout I buy you a Prius, then we can drive there."

"Yea, and what will you buy it with? Those things are expensive. I'm pretty sure they don't take cookies as money…"

Then I whipped out my credit card and said, "I'll buy it with a little thing I like to call A CREDIT CARD. Ever heard of one?"

"Yes, I have one, but I don't buy cars with it that cost as much as my apartment."

"I didn't say 'you go buy one,' I said I was gonna buy you one for you."

"Your parents will be angry if you spend all your money on a car for me."

"Like they give two flying shitstains! It's my money; I can do whatever I want!"

Then she paused and said, "Come on. It's not that far."

"FOR A CRIPPLE IT IS!"

"Can you walk?"

"Yes."

"Then you're walking to the restaurant."

Well, we walked to the restaurant.

And you'll never believe where we went.

Panda Express.

I. HATE. ASIAN. FOOD.

Well right when we got in the restaurant, I said at the top of my voice, "I cannot believe you just made a poor cripple kid walk all the way here, you mean lady!"

And a couple of people looked over at us.

And Ms. Tran hit my arm and said, "Knock it off, Nate."

Well we got a table and I got a kid's menu (cause that's how I roll) and I got some fish.

Cause I hate Asian food.

**And now for a note from Nate:**

**Hellooo my sex-addicted panda bears!**

**Nate here. Duh. **

**You pandas know the drill - fifteen reviews \ letters = new chapter**

**Love,**

**Natey Panda Poo**


	17. Damn Tranny Bitch

**Chapter 17**

**9:12 pm**

Back at _chez_ Tranny.

Dinner sucked, by the way.

I don't usually eat fish but it was either that or I starve.

**10:56 pm**

TW Frau went to bed at nine thirty.

She is so lame.

I raided her freezer and found a tub of ice cream.

But I didn't take much cause I didn't want her to get all suspicious.

**Friday, November 28**

**7:04 am**

She wakes up every morning at five.

I'm not even kidding.

Like they're on break right now, but she's up and about, doing like… yoga or something in the other room.

I'm watching her.

Shh… don't tell.

Screw it, I'm going back to bed.

**9:06 am**

That bitch woke me up at nine.

And said, "Okay, time for school!"

And I was like, "No, Mummy, go away!" cause I totally thought she was my mum. But it wasn't. And then it was all awkward.

But anyway, she managed to drag me out of bed (I was sleeping on her couch, bee tee dubs) and went over to that infamous table.

And she made me toast.

And I looked at it and went, "Ugh…" then slammed my head down on the table. Which really hurt.

**9:32 am**

La, la, la… I'm doing worksheets.

**9:43 am**

OH MY GOD, I JUST STABBED MYSELF WITH A PENCIL!

**9:52 am**

Haha, someone wrote 'fuck' on page 673 of this textbook.

**10:05 am**

Guess what?

I'm on break right now.

**10:13 am**

TW Frau is wearing the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. It looks like some sort of prom dress in the 80's. I said, "You aren't seriously thinking of wearing that in public are you?"

And she said, "Come on, we're going to the grocery store."

"Do we have to walk there?"

"No. We'll drive."

"Good."

**10:45 am**

The woman shops like a European. I was like, "That's all you're getting?"

And she said, "Yes. I don't really need much."

And I said, "You shop like a European."

"Aren't you European?"

"Yes. But you should shop more like an American. WHERE'S THE JUNK FOOD?"

And she said, "I don't like having junk food in the house."

"Yea and that explains the huge tub of ice cream in the freezer…"

Then she was all like, "Nate…"

And I threw some Cheetos in the shopping cart and said, "Honestly, you're too skinny. EAT SOMETHING FOR ONCE. Come on, be an American!"And then I threw some of those powdery donuts and said, "It's okay. I'm here to help."

**11:12 am**

Blah.

More worksheets.

And my tummy is hurting.

I think I had too many Cheetos.

Nah, what am I kidding? You can never have enough Cheetos! Besides, I don't get sick eating junk food. Once you've lived in America for more than three years, you build up immunity.

**1:56 pm**

Okay, so karma's a real bitch.

Like bitchier than Miley Cyrus bitch.

I really am actually sick. Like how I pretended how to be sick yesterday… well I really am today. Damn karma.

So there I was sitting and doing stupid geography worksheets like the good little boy I am, when I felt my tummy do a flip flop. So I like stop and Ms. Tran was like, "Why'd you stop writing? You were on a roll."

And I said, "Ow… tummy hurts."

"I'm not falling for it again, Nate."

"No. Really."

"Just finish labeling the map and I'll let you have another break."

"Ms. Tran, seriously…"

"No. Finish labeling it. Look, Nepal is right there…"

"Fuck, I'm gonna hurl," and I started to get up to go to the bathroom, but she pulled me back down and said, "Just label it, it's not that hard!" (That's what she said.)

And then I threw up all over her stupid Tranny shoes.

And we just kinda sat there in an awkward silence and I was like, "I told you."

And TW Frau did a face palm. (If you don't know what that is, you fail at life.)

Then I got up to go throw up again.

**2:11 pm**

Okay, so I was sleeping on her couch and Ms. Tran was doing that weird creepy stalkerish thing where she watches me sleep – she does it all the time, It's so weird – and she was like, "So you weren't lying yesterday."

And I was like, "Oh. No, I was actually lying."

**2:23 pm**

She's still being a stalker.

**2:54 pm**

I threw up like five more times.

**3:51 pm**

Ms. Tran like sat down next to the couch when I was sleeping (I can always tell when someone is creepin' on me) and so I was like, "Bleh..."

And she was like, "You have a high fever."

"That's really creepy that you know that."

"It's not hard to tell…"

I don't care if it's 'not hard to tell.' She's still creepy.

**5:36 pm**

Oh my god. I am SO bored.

**5:40 pm**

Ms. Tranny keeps creepin me. I'm getting really pissed off.

**5:45 pm**

She diagnosed me with food poisoning.

It's all Panda Express's fault.

Damn Asian food.

**5:53 pm**

I've noticed that all women – and Jason – do this. They take care of sick children. Like it's their natural instinct or something to do that. Cause if Ms. Tran were a dude, she'd be sitting over in the kitchen, sipping a beer, and paying no attention to me, the poor little sick cripple, at all.

But she's not a dude.

She's a chick. And chick's are weird.

End of story.

She will not leave me alone. She keeps asking if I'm okay or if I would like some more water, of if I want another blanket.

My aunt does the same thing. They refuse to leave you alone.

It's a chick thing.

**6:21 pm**

Whitney texted me and told me she was gonna come over later and get Jeremy back.

I texted her, "Okay. But I'm sick. And I'm at Ms. Tranny's house."

She said back, "What? Why are you at her house?"

"I don't know."

"This is confusing…"

"It is."

And then I had to explain the whole Disney World thing and the Panda Express. Then she said she was just gonna pick up Jeremy on Monday.

**6:22 pm**

OH FUCK, WHO THE HELL'S FEEDING JEREMY3 AND MILEY?!

**6:54 pm**

We had to break into my house.

I lost my key and so we had to smash open a window and get Jeremy and Miley. It looks like a CSI scene where we broke in.

Anyway, Jeremy and Miley are safe (well as safe as they can get here in the house of pure evil) and Miley is now… raping Kamiko.

Great.

Kamiko better be fixed. I don't want no damn puppies running around here. Mitchie's already preggo and we don't need more babies.

**7:12 pm**

I got like really bad stomach pains. And they were so bad I almost started crying. But I didn't. Cause I'm not a chick. I'm a man. A manly man.

Anyway, I was bitching and complaining and stuff and TW Frau was like, "What kinda of pain is it?"

And I was like, "… One that hurts? Like, uh, period pains."

Then she said, "In that case, do you want some Midol?" And then she started laughing at her oh-so brilliant joke.

"You're not funny, Ms. Tran."

Then I was all like "Owww, bitch motherfucker!" and started screaming random swear words that made Ms. Tranny's little virgin mind just about blow up.

**7:15 pm**

My breath reeks of vomit. And I can smell it. And it's really bothering me.

**9:33 pm**

Ms. Tran attempted to make me being sick an educational thing, talking about all the different bacteria that cause food poisoning. And then she tried to make me figure out with her which one it was that was making me sick. And I was like, "Hell if I know!"

Then she was like, "Well let's review the symptoms again… Fever, headache, vomiting…" Blah, blah, blah.

And then she acted like she was on _House_ or something and got a white board and wrote all my "symptoms" down on it. And then she started crossing off all the bacteria that it wasn't.

I asked, "So, Ms. Tran, when you're sick, do you do this, too?"

And she said, "No."

"THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE DOING IT NOW?"

"Cause it's fun and it's a good learning-"

I cut her off there. "Fun? FUN? You think me puking my guts out and getting stomach pains so bad I curl up into a ball and want to die is FUN? You and I have a completely different definition of 'fun.'"

Then she stayed silent for a long time. And I slept some more and she watched _Ugly Betty._

Damn Tranny bitch.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

**Hey there my string-cheese lesbians!**

**Nate here. **

**Thanksies so much for following me on my expedition through life. I now have a Facebook! ADD ME. Nate Gray. There might be some sort of thing where you can search by email. Try my email and you can add me and write dirty messages on my wall! How cool is that?**

**Alright...**

**15 reviews \ letters = new chapter.**

**OOH AND SHOUT OUT TO!!**

**Hollie!!! Happy birthday, panda! Want to get drunk with me?**

**Love,**

**Nate**


	18. No More Worksheets, I'm sickly

**Chapter 18**

**Saturday, November 29**

**12:33 am**

Threw up some more. Gross.

Miley and Kamiko have been getting it on all night long.

Even grosser.

Ms. Tran said she's gonna stay up all night with me and make sure I'm okay, but I can tell she's gonna crash soon.

**12:38 am**

She crashed.

She said, "Okay, you're good," and then went into her bedroom.

I feel so alone.

**12:45 am**

Tried to sleep but I couldn't.

My stomach was hurting like a bitch and so I went to go look for a heating pad, cause I remember Whitney or Andi or someone talking about how when you get period cramps you get a heating pad and then you're okay.

Well I thought it would work the same.

Only I couldn't find a heating pad.

So I had to improvise.

And I got an icepack and put it on my tummy.

It was just freezing cold and made it hurt so much worse.

**4:20 pm**

I got to bed around five in the morning.

I still hadn't slept when Ms. Tran woke up.

She was like, "Did you get any sleep?"

And I was like, "No."

That's partly because of me having to constantly throw up, but mostly because I took her laptop and went on Facebook all night.

**6:12 pm**

Ms. Tran just forced me to drink like ten gallons of Gatorade cause she doesn't want me to get dehydrated.

It was that nasty yellow pee kind. I only like the blue one, the purple one, and the red one.

**Sunday, November 30**

**8:32 pm**

Oh, guess who just called us?

Mum.

She's staying for another week in Florida.

That. Bitch.

That means I have to stay for another week with the Tranny.

Ugh… someone kill me now.

**Monday, December 1**

**7:08 am**

I am awake. I cannot believe it. It is so goddamn early.

Ms. Tran woke me up at like six thirty and said, "Hey, we have to go."

And I was like, "Go where?"

"School."

"No… I don't want to go back."

"Come on, we're gonna be late."

And I was like, "No-o-o-o… Why can't I stay here?"

She said, "I want to keep an eye on you and make sure you're okay," but what she really meant was "I don't trust you in my apartment alone."

"Okay, well I'm not doing any more worksheets."

"Fine."

And now we're in her car, driving to school…

**7:32 am**

We got to school and I looked around her room and said, "Okay, where do I sleep?"

"Sleep?" she asked.

"Well you didn't think I'd actually stay up and learn something, did you?"

"Well… no."

And I scanned the whole room. And then the only closed space where no one would notice me was under her desk. So I crawled under there and she was like, "Nate… I work here…"

And I said, "Ms. Tran… Can you get me a pillow and some blankets?"

**7:45 am**

Ms. Tran stole some pillows and blankets from the teacher's lounge and gave them to me. I made a nice little cozy burrow under her desk. Even though sleeping on hard tile isn't the best, it has to do.

**8:21 am**

I started getting a really bad headache and so I was like, "Ahh… turn off the lights…"

And so Ms. Tran turned them off.

I can now go back to sleep.

**8:53 am**

TW Frau told me I wasn't allowed to be seen by anyone or make any noise.

I was like, "Why?"

And she said, "Cause you were expelled from school. And you're not supposed to be here."

"Oh. Whatever. I'm not gonna do anything except sleep, anyway."

**9:03 am**

Damn, I never realised how loud classes could be. All the kids are all hootin' and hollerin'.

But they're taking a test today, so it'll be quiet soon.

**9:06 am**

Some stupid bitch named Brittany was all like, "Ms. Tran," in her stupid prep voice, "I can't see my scantron. Why are the lights off? Can you please turn them on?"

And then everyone agreed with her, so Ms. Tran had to turn on the lights, and I was like, "Ugh..."

Luckily, I have a few pillows that are able to block out the light.

**9:35 am**

Okay, get this. It was dead silent, and Ms. Tran kicked me right in the stomach on accident, and so I scream at the top of my lungs, "OW! SON OF A BITCH!"

And since everyone was taking a test, they all like looked up, and I got out from under the desk and said, "Damn it, woman! What the hell was that for!?"

And Ms. Tran was like, "I'm sorry! It was an accident!"

Then everyone in my class was like, "Nate, what the fuck are you doing here? And why the fuck were you under Ms. Tranny's desk?"

So then everyone was all confused like. And I had to explain that I was sick and attempting to sleep under her desk, but if you didn't know the whole story, I bet it would be really confusing. Then I crawled back under the desk, said, "Don't kick me again," and now I'm going back to sleep.

**12:12 pm**

I woke up and was really hungry and so the class that was in there, I think fourth period, all saw me crawl out from under her desk and grab some Saltine's from Ms. Tran's purse. It was kinda awkward since I hate most of the people in this class, but then I ate some crackers and then went back under the desk.

**12:23 pm**

I feel like… Anne Frank in hiding. Ms. Tran is Miep Gies, or whatever the hell her name was, and the students are the Nazis.

**12:44 pm**

I am so bored. Let's play a game.

Ummm… I spy.

I spy with my little eye, something blue.

Oh, screw it. You'd never guess it.

**12:45 pm**

It was some chick's purse. And it was really fugly.

**2:01 pm**

Goddamn, this is a noisy class. Since they're not taking a test, Ms. Tran turned off half of the lights so it was darker – thank Jesus – only these damn kids are making my headache about a thousand times worse.

**2:03 pm**

It seems like the whole world is out to get me. They're purposely yelling and screaming and laughing just to make my life hell.

**2:57 pm**

I couldn't take it anymore.

I got out from under the desk, screamed, "CAN'T YOU GUYS JUST SHUT UP?!"

And everyone got all quiet.

Then I said, "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE, GODDAMN IT! I don't need you guys to be a hootin' and a hollerin' when I'm exhausted and have one of the worst headaches of my life!"

Everyone just kinda stared at me.

And Ms. Tran said, "Hey, Nate, can you go find another room to sleep in? This isn't working out…"

So I was like, "Yea. Your classes are too wild." And I got my blankets and pillows and left.

I didn't know exactly where to go, but I just kinda walked down the hallway.

And I stopped to throw up in one of the recycling bins.

And then I kept walking.

And I eventually made it to the English hall and went into my English teacher, Mr. Hansen's room.

So I walk in there, right, and he's all like, "Huh? Nate? What are you doing here?"

And I was like, "Oh, you know, being a hobo. Can I chill here?" Cause he totally didn't have a class. Which was great.

"Umm… what?"

So then I had to explain. And then I threw up in his trashcan. And then I went under the computer desks and set up camp there.

And he was so nice he even turned off the lights for me so I could sleep.

Now I can finally have peace and quiet.

**6:16 pm**

I managed to sleep for the whole rest of the day without waking up.

Well, I did get up once to go throw up, but that was it.

I woke up at five thirty when I heard Ms. Tran's annoying voice talking to my English teacher.

So I was like, "Oh, good morning…"

And then I ran to go puke and then we had to put all the blankets and pillows back.

It was a long day, but I managed to survive somehow.

Now we're driving back home and Ms. Tranny is playing really stupid country music.

**6:42 pm**

Here we are, back safe and sound at the Tranny residence.

I'm gonna go take a shower or something. Even though I don't like to shower in other people's showers, I haven't showered in three days and I've managed to get some barf in my hair somehow.

**7:21 pm**

Ms. Tran made Asian food.

It made me want to throw up again, so I went outside onto the porch and waited until my stomach settled down again before going back inside.

**7:56 pm**

Sleep time.

Nighty night.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

**Helloooo my fish-raping pandas in dresses! Nate here again. Thanksies for adding me on Facebook and stuffs! Love you all! Shoutout to all my friends on Facebook! **

**15 reviews = new chapter SUNDAY (or even Saturday if you get them in by tonight!)**

**Love,**

**Nate**


	19. Flashlights are cases for dead batteries

**Chapter 19**

**Tuesday, December 2**

**9:13 am**

So I woke up at six thirty again cause TW Frau was like, "Okay, we gotta go." And so I stumbled half asleep into her car and we went to the high school. And I fell asleep on the way there and it was a bitch to wake up again cause I was like, "Huh? What's going on?"

I have no idea why she doesn't trust me in her apartment alone.

Wait… never mind.

Anyway, I went to go sleep in Mr. Hansen's room again, only there was a sub in there cause he … wasn't there … and she looked at me all weird when I barged in there at eight and slept under the tables.

Then she kicked me out and she didn't believe me when I tried to explain.

So then I was a hobo and I didn't want to go back to the Tranny room cause of what happened yesterday, so I had to find a new place. I kinda hate all my other teachers, so I then had the perfect idea.

I went into the boy's restroom and put a sign on the door that says, "Do Not Use. Out Of Order." And so here I am sleeping in a bathroom.

This is so… awkward.

**12:34 pm**

I woke up feeling a bit better but really hungry.

I knew it was lunch time, so I went down to the cafeteria, but it turns out they don't take credit cards.

Is there an ATM around here?

**12:37 pm**

I went in Ms. Tran's room and said, "Woman, I'm hungry!"

And she was like, "Ask nicely."

"Damn it, give me some food!"

So she rolled her eyes and handed me a pack of Saltines.

"What? No. I want real food."

"It's real food."

"No. It isn't."

"Yes. It is."

"NO. IT. ISN'T." And then I groaned and went, "I'm starving! Come on, Ms. Tran! This is child abuse!"

So she gave me five bucks and said, "Go buy something in the cafeteria."

Then I went down to the cafeteria and bought a slice of pizza. And I sat myself down at my usual table with all my friends and started to eat it.

They were like, "NATE?"

And I was like, "Yea?"

Then Whitney said, "I can't believe you're actually here! Wait, why ARE you here?"

I shrugged and motioned to my pizza. "I'm hungry."

And all my friends were in this sort of confused shock.

Then I had to explain.

Then they were all like, "Whoa…"

Then I threw up again.

**12:56 pm**

Went back to the bathroom I'm staying in after I finished eating.

Now I sleep.

**1:33 pm**

Got kicked out of the bathroom by a janitor wondering why I was "skipping class" to sleep in a bathroom. And he called the dean. But then I ran to the band hall and went into the office and said, "HIDE ME!" cause Ms. Tran told me I wasn't supposed to get caught by anyone being here.

And now I'm hiding under the desk no one uses.

**7:00 pm**

I accidently threw up in Ms. Tranny's car.

I felt like a huge bitch.

**11:39 pm**

I didn't get to eat dinner cause I was fast asleep and so I just made some Easy Mac.

It's gross. She doesn't have real mac and cheese, which is so lame.

**Wednesday, December 3**

**6:33 am**

Woke up expecting to feel like shit, but oddly, I didn't.

Although I am exhausted. I guess it's just because of lack of sleep and getting up so Goddamn early.

**7:08 am**

Tranny asked me if I was feeling better.

I was like, "Yes, so much."

She said, "Good. Now we can finish the worksheet packet we started."

And then I was like, "Well in that case, I'm gonna hurl again."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"You're cured."

"No I'm not."

"Nate…"

"Ms. Tran…"

"Go sit down in a desk."

"I refuse."

"Nate. Go sit down."

I continued standing there with my arms folded across my chest. "I'm on strike again. And you don't have any cookies, so HA."

**9:01 am**

I don't know how she did it, but she managed to use her super Tranny powers to make me sit down by her desk and do worksheets.

**9:12 am**

Oh my god, this is so boring.

Who the hell cares about migration patterns of birds, anyway?

**9:20 am**

Haha. Guess what?

So it was dead silent in the room, and so I, being as bored as I am, took out my iPhone and I have this one application that's a farting marching thing, so I randomly played it, and Ms. Tran had no idea where it was coming from. And everyone was laughing.

Then she figured out it was me and took my phone away.

**9:43 am**

She's stalking me again. She keeps like looking and making sure I didn't run away or something.

You know what? I'm gonna run away just to piss her off.

**10:06 am**

Ran away.

Hid in the maths hall stairwell.

But no one told me they were going to do a practice lock down 'intruder alert' drill today.

So when the chick that does the announcements came on and said, "Staff, we have an intruder in the building," I was like "OH SHIT. THEY FOUND ME!"

And I got up and ran as fast as I could across the whole school back to Ms. Tran's room, but too bad for me, the principal saw me and said, "Hey, where do you think you're going?"

And then I was like, "Ahhh!" and ran faster, only I tripped over a trashcan and he came over to be and helped me up and said, "Where should you be, young man?"

"Ms. Tran's room," I told him.

And then he walked me to Ms. Tran's room and she looked SO pissed when I showed up, escorted by the principal.

Then when the principal went away, she pointed to the ground next to her desk and said, "Sit."

So I grumbled and sat down on the ground all huffy puffy.

**10:22 am**

She gave me a time out…

**10:23 am**

I AM NOT FIVE!

**10:24 am**

She told me to 'act my age.'

I told her not to be such a crazy bitch.

And she said, "Fifteen minutes were just added to your timeout."

**10:36 am**

I was watching the clock.

It was moving really, really slow.

**10:38 am**

When some other biology teacher walked in the room, I yelled, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE BEING SO MEAN TO A POOR CRIPPLE KID!"

And then Ms. Tran was like, "Nate. Stop it."

"No!"

"Fine, forty more minutes."

"UGGHHHH!"

"Forty five more minutes."

"STOP ADDING TIME."

"Fifty minutes."

Then I kept my trap shut.

**10:41 am**

Ms. Tran handed me a scantron and a test and said, "Okay. Take the test."

And I was like, "Hell no."

"Another hour was just added to your timeout time."

"I've already gotten like twenty hours added."

"An hour thirty minutes…"

"Fine." Then I took the papers and started taking the test.

It was really stupid and I didn't know anything, so I just wrote, "You're a bitch" in huge letters and gave it back.

**10:43 am**

Guess what?

Two more hours were added to my time, AND she took away my TV time tonight.

That little skank.

**10:57 am**

I put down my pencil and said, "All these worksheets are making my head hurt."

And Ms. Tran said, "Then go to the nurse's office and get some Advil."

And I said, "No, the nurse is a bitch. I don't like her."

"Nate…"

"Oh my god, what? You want to add more time to my timeout? Why don't you just ground me for the rest of my life? I mean, you practically already have!"

Then she said, "Can you sharpen all these pencils for me?"

"Okay, I may be grounded and in time out, but I'm not your slave."

"I'll give you a cookie."

"Fine."

**11:03 am**

I sharpened the pencils.

But I didn't get a cookie.

**11:12 am**

TW Frau just left the room. She said, "Stay here and stay out of trouble."

So I gave her the stink eye and then she left to go do something or other, and so I got up, took some of her papers, shredded them up, threw them away in three different trashcans, and then changed a bunch of people's grades in the grade book that I hate.

Then I wrote in Sharpie on her whiteboard, "Hi, I'm Ms. Tranny, and I like pussy." And then I drew a penis on her computer screen.

Then I sat down where I was and now I'm pretending like nothing happened.

**11:25 am**

Ms. Tran. Flipped. A. Shit.

She yelled at me a whole bunch and then she handcuffed me to her desk. I have no idea where she got the… Well… Anyway, she handcuffed me to her desk, gave me some worksheets, said, "Don't you dare talk to another living person," and then attempted to get what I wrote off the whiteboard.

Then when she couldn't get it off, she said, "Okay, why isn't it coming off?"

I shrugged.

"Nathaniel Bernard Gray, why isn't this coming off the board?"

I shrugged again.

"NATE, TALK TO ME. WHAT DID YOU USE?"

I just stared at her.

"You better tell me right now."

"You said I couldn't talk to anyone."

"I said you could talk to me."

"No you didn't."

"Nate… NATE."

"Ms. Tran… MS. TRAN."

Then she buried her face in her hands and said, "Oh my god," while repeatedly hitting her head on the desk.

She's pretty pissed at me right now. But that's what she gets for not getting me a goddamn cookie.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hello my slutty green chickens in party hats! Nate here. Of course.

Duh.

Loser.

Anyway, send me some love.

15 reviews - new chapter.

Plus, also, if you review you get a girl scout cookie. I managed to end up with ten boxes.

Love,

Nate


	20. That day where I almost died

**Chapter 20**

**Still in Tranny Hell**

**3:12 pm**

She wouldn't feed me until two.

I was practically starving to death.

When she was trying to teach, I kept hollering out, "FOOD! I WANT FOOD!"

So she finally gave me some food after about ten minutes of this.

Oh, and she attempted to take you away from me, too. She said, "Nate, what do you keep writing in? Let me see it."

And I started screaming and said, "NO! NO! You can't take it from me! I need it!"

And she was like, "Why?"

"Cause my therapist says if I don't write in it I'll go to the loony house!"

So she let me keep you after I told her all about Dr. Bob, the hobo therapist.

**3:14 pm**

I just realised that if you chop up the word 'therapist' it spells 'the rapist.'

SCARY.

But it explains SO much.

**3:27 pm**

Ms. Tranny just left for a dentist's appointment. And she got a sub to come and babysit me, even though she doesn't have a class this period.

Right before she left, she told the sub, "Do not take the handcuffs off no matter what he says. Only take them off if there's a fire." And then she gave her the keys.

She put them on the desk behind me.

I tried SO hard to get the keys, but I couldn't reach.

**3:45 pm**

HUNGRY.

**3:51 pm**

Bitched to the sub about Ms. Tran. I told her that Ms. Tran was a 'mean lady who hates crippled kids, and that's why she handcuffed me to the table, cause I'm a cripple.'

The sub just looked at me and said, "Nice try."

"No, really, I am a cripple."

"Yea, but it's not gonna make me let you go."

"Ugh…"

My babysitter's a real bitch.

**3:56 pm**

I started humming and then screamed, "OW! OWWWW!"

And the babysitter sub was like, "What?"

Then I was like, "Oww my leg hurts!"

"What's wrong?"

"Well I hurt it the other day."

"That was the other day."

"Well it's acting up again."

"What'd you do?"

"Fell off my bike."

"No, to make it act up again right now."

"… Leg cramp. I've been sitting here without food or water for DAYS."

"Yes, I'm sure you have."

"No. Really. My capturer has refused to feed me."

"Do you want a cookie?"

"Yes, please."

**3:57 pm**

She actually gave me a cookie!

I eated it.

It was yummy.

**4:10 pm**

I kept pretending like I had Turrets and I would randomly scream out, "OH BOB SAGET!" Like every ten seconds, and the babysitter sub was like, "Stop that."

And I said, "I can't. I have Turrets. … FUCK!"

"Seriously."

"OH SHIT! TITS! BOB SAGET!"

"You don't have Turrets."

"Tell that to the neurologist."

"Stop or I'll tell Ms. Tran what you're doing."

"She doesn't scare me."

**4:12 pm**

Ms. Tran finally came back.

The sub told her I was 'well behaved.' She looked really surprised.

Right when the babysitter left, I said, "So you ever gonna feed me, woman?"

Turns out she bought me takeout from La Madeline. Which is the best place for a Frenchie like me.

**4:56 pm**

We got to go home early today because she didn't have to teach tutorials after school.

Right when we got back to her house, she pointed to the couch and said, "Bed."

"Why?" I asked. "It's four thirty."

"You were a bad kid. Bedtime is now."

And I was like, "What? This isn't fair!"

"Do you remember what you did to my room?"

And then I thought back. And then I burst out laughing.

"And that's why you're going to bed early."

"Can I at least have dinner first?"

"I just gave you food like thirty minutes ago."

"That was a snack."

"Nate…"

"MISS TRAN?"

"Nate, just go to bed. Stop talking to me. You're giving me a migraine."

Then she sat down at her table and buried her face in her hand. And took two Aspirin.

**5:06 pm**

Douche bag, douche bag, Miley Cyrus is a douche bag.

**7:43 pm**

TW Frau and I watched "Mama Mia!" just now. (So much for me being grounded from TV and going to bed early.)

It was kinda awful.

**8:14 pm**

She went to bed.

I raided her freezer.

She came out of her room cause she forgot something and saw me shoveling out ice cream with my hands.

I got that little deer in the headlights pose and she was like, "Nate? What are you doing?"

And I just shoveled more ice cream in my mouth.

Then she had to come over and take the ice cream from me.

And told me that we're going to a museum tomorrow on a field trip to learn about evolution with her AP class.

Oh, fun! Field trip!

**8:22 pm**

Damn she put a password on her computer.

Shit, now I can't check my email.

That skank.

**9:50 pm**

I'm just gonna go to bed.

She put a parent password on all of the TV channels except for the History channel and I cannot stand that channel.

**Thursday, December 4**

**5:20 am**

I had to wake up early for the stupid field trip.

**5:25 am**

Oh. My. God.

So basically, I took a shower and got dressed, and Ms. Tran put one of those kiddie leashes on me. And I was like, "What is this?" And she said, "A leash so you don't run away from me."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No."

"Oh. My. God. This is social suicide, Ms. Tran!"

"Well if you want to act like a little kid, I'll treat you like one. Act your age."

"Holy fuck, if the press get a picture of me on a kiddie leash, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole entire world!"

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."

"OH, BOB SAGET!"

And she even put a lock on the little zipper thing so that I can't get out of it.

This is like… prison.

Plus the harness is like ten times too small and it's squeezing the life out of me.

**5:27 am**

It's so tight it's making me feel nauseas. I think that's mostly because I'm worried about what's gonna happen to me once a picture of me on a leash gets out to the internet world, though.

**6:14 am**

Why, yes, I did just try to eat through the harness.

Ms. Tran saw me biting the leash and said, "Stop it."

I was so close to freedom, too.

Damn.

**6:15 am**

You know what's so much more worse? This harness has a monkey backpack attached to it.

**7:20 am**

Oh my god. We got to the school and got on the school bus that was taking us to the museum and Whitney – being as perfect as she is – was already there early and sitting on the bus, and she watched as me and Ms. Tranny walked onto the bus.

Then she said, "Nate?"

And I was like, "Whitney! You gotta save me!"

"Why are you on a kiddie leash?"

"Cause of this crazy bitch!" and then I pointed to Ms. Tran.

Well she yanked on the leash and I was pulled backwards and nearly choked to death.

"Hey!" I yelled. "Don't do that! I'm gonna throw up if you do it again."

Anyway, I wanted to go sit with Whitney, but Ms. Tranny forced me to sit at the very front with her while Whitney sat in the back with Andi.

**7:43 am**

I am hiding my face with my monkey backpack from all of these people getting on the bus.

**8:01 am**

Oh my god, this kid I really hate named Alex just laughed at me and pointed out to everyone on the bus that I was indeed wearing a kiddie harness with a monkey backpack.

**9:28 am**

We just got off the bus and to the museum. Now we're waiting in line to get tickets or something like that.

That had to be one of the longest, most humiliating bus rides I've ever taken in my life.

**9:33 am**

Ms. Tranny is storing trail mix in my monkey backpack…

**10:56 am**

Oh, look, here we are looking at replicas of dinosaur fossils.

How… fascinating.

**11:13 am**

Ewww. Ew.

So TW Frau just informed me that we're gonna be going to this new exhibit about the human anatomy after lunch and they have like actual dead people who donated their bodies in this place.

That is so. Gross.

**12:45 pm**

Lunch time. We're outside by a pond, eating.

Not hungry.

My tummy did a flip flop at the sight of food, so I just kinda closed my eyes and tried not to puke.

Ms. Tranny was like, "Aren't you gonna eat anything?"

And I was like, "No, my tummy hurts."

"Oh, not again, Nate. Stop trying to fake sick. It really isn't working and I'm not gonna fall for it again."

And then I was like, "I'M NOT KIDDING!"

And she said, "Sure… sure."

**12:46 pm**

Bitch.

**12:50 pm**

Ms. Tran started on a rant about bacteria and shit like that and she said, "Everyone has bacteria in their stomachs."

And I was like, "Wait what?"

"Yea. Like E. Coli…"

"Are you tellin me there are five different types of fungus in my tummy?"

"No, I said there are BACTERIA in your stomach, not fungus."

"OH SHIT. THAT'S SOME SCARY SHIT RIGHT THERE!" And then I started punching my stomach, saying, "Back off, bacteria!"

Only it made my tummy hurt even more. So I stopped.

And I said, "Oh shit, I don't think my tummy bacteria likes me."

"Why?"

"Cause I just got heartburn and now it hurts even more."

"Maybe you shouldn't have punched your stomach."

"YEA WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE…" Then I just trailed off cause I couldn't think of anything to say.

**1:28 pm**

We were getting ready to go to the little dead people exhibit and so everyone got up except for me and Ms. Tran was tugging on the leash saying, "Come on, let's go."

And I was like, "NO!"

And she was like, "Don't be like this…"

"I'm not going to look at dead people!"

"Yes, you are."

"NO I'M NOT!"

And I started kicking my legs around and hitting the ground and saying, "NO NO NO!"

I just wanted to make a big scene.

"Nate, why are you doing this to me?" she asked all frustrated.

I said, "Cause you're treating me like a child and I don't like it!"

"Well maybe if you didn't act like a child, I wouldn't treat you like one!"

Then I called her a poop face and stood my ground.

She started to attempt to pull me along, but I caught hold of a tree and said, "I'M NOT LETTING GO!"

And she was like, "STOP IT, NATE!"

"NO! I WANNA GO HOME!" Then I started fake crying and everyone was looking at us.

I figured that since my reputation was already ruined, why not ruin Ms. Tran's too?

Then she said, "Nate. Come on. Stop acting like you're three years old."

And I was like, "I _AM_ THREE YEARS OLD! Yesterday you gave me a timeout and paid me with cookies! Now I'm on a kiddie leash! I'M ACTING MY AGE, JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO, MS. TRAN!"

Then she was like, "Oh my god…"

And then I started screaming "Bloody murder!"

And EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the garden area where we were looked over at us.

"HELP, THIS CRAZY BITCH IS TRYING TO HURT ME! SHE'S HURTING A POOR CRIPPLE KID!"

Then TW Frau pulled me off of the ground, grabbed me by my wrists (which really hurt), made me look her straight in the eyes, and she said, "Stop being ridiculous!"

Then I said, "That's no way to treat a cripple, Ms. Tranny. HELP! SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK MY WRISTS! OWWWWW!"

And then some museum security people came over and said, "Is everything alright here?"

And I was like, "Yup, we're good."

They were SO confused. It was hilarious.

**1:30 pm**

We are in line waiting for this stupid exhibit to open.

**1:34 pm**

Oh. My. God. This line goes on for forever.

**1:45 pm**

When it was finally time to go into the exhibit, Ms. Tran started pulling on the leash, but I was sitting on the ground and since she has no meat on her, she wasn't able to pull me back up. So she ended up dragging me all the way into the exhibit.

And then we got on some carpet and my pants started riding up my butt when she dragged me across it, so I stood up and walked.

**1:46 pm**

This exhibit is so-o-o-o gross.

There are dead naked people in here.

And it's cold.

And it smells like … dead people. And sea salt.

And I can see that dead person's wiener.

HAHAHA. wiener.

That word never gets old.

**2:03 pm**

OH EFFIN GROSS!

There's this one thing-a-ma-bob of this preggo chick and they like sliced her in half and you can see her unborn fetus inside of her. How gross is that?

**2:06 pm**

That would be like the weirdest job ever to have to cut dead people in half.

Like ew.

Ew to the tenth power.

**2:07 pm**

Dude, this shit is nasty. It makes me want to hurl.

**2:10 pm**

Haha, I just heard Ms. Tran say 'vagina.'

I'm so immature.

She said that and I burst out laughing.

**2:11 pm**

This is like dead-people-without-skin porn.

Which is the worst kind of porn there is.

**2:36 pm**

Oh my god, are we ever gonna leave?

**7:22 pm**

Okay we left.

In a jiffy hurry poopy pants.

So we were just standing there, you know, looking at dead people, when I got really really bored. And I said, "Hey, Ms. Tran, can we PLEASE go now?"

And she said, "No, Nate."

So I was all like, "Ugh…"

And I got even more bored. And I saw her purse. So I took it and looked through it. (Her driver's license picture is hilarious. Her eyes are closed and she has that creepy stalker smile on her face.) And I found her car keys.

So I was like, "Oooh…"

And Ms. Tran was like, "What are you doing with my keys?"

"I'ma eat 'em." And I was totally kidding, too, but then this happened…

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"Gimme the keys back."

"No."

"GIVE THEM TO ME, NATE!"

"No!"

And then I put them in my mouth and swallowed them.

Well, too bad for me, I started choking. And I couldn't get them out by coughing them up.

Ms. Tran was like, "Oh my god, what have you done now?"

And so I was having like a panic attack cause it was really hard to breathe and I was like gasping for air, right? So Ms. Tran was like, "Holy shit," and she like got all up in personal space – she totally BROKE THE BUBBLE – and yanked open my mouth and said, "Nate! I can't believe you just swallowed my car keys! I can't even see them anymore!"

And then I started freaking out some more and had a panic attack, so we had to call 9-1-1.

So we went to ER with the same intensity and rush as one of those Grey's Anatomy episodes where like someone has like a tree stuck in them or there was just a plane crash. Well, it wasn't exactly THAT intense.

Anyway, a bunch of doctors were asking Ms. Tranny what happened and she said, "My stupid idiot student swallowed my car keys!"

Then they said they were gonna do a – wait for it, I can spell it – oesophagogastroduodenoscopy. And, honestly, it sounded so much scarier than it actually was… Well, it was pretty damn scary.

So then they like sprayed this shit in my mouth that tasted like cat urine and I was trying to yell at them but they injected me with a sedative and I was like… whoa, man, whoa.

And then they stuck this little thing-a-ma-bob down my throat hole which made me gag like major (worse than lasagna does) and it hurt a lot but they got Ms. Tranny's car keys out in a jiffy.

During the deal, the doctor dude kept telling to swallow the thingie, but I couldn't cause it's really hard to swallow when you have your mouth open.

Try it.

Right now.

Try to swallow with your mouth open. It's like impossible.

Anyway, then we had to wait there at the hospital for two hours until the stupid drugs wore off and then we drove home.

And Ms. Tranny didn't say a single thing to me all the way home. She was pretty damn pissed. But it was okay cause I couldn't talk – still can't.

So now here we are at the Tranny house, and I'm on the couch "recovering" and Ms. Tran is eating her stupid little Asian dinner all alone. Cause I can't eat or I'll choke to death.

Plus, I'm acting like I'm drunk. And I honestly can't walk straight. I tripped over a bookshelf a few moments ago.

Damn drugs.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hello my panda-eating tittie-snoggers!

Nate here. As always. Since you are reading my diary and all.

Tranny's a bitch.

So review.

Love,

Nate


	21. KISS

**Chapter 21**

**Friday, December 5**

**5:04 am**

Four minutes ago, Ms. Tran pushed me off the couch and I looked up at her still half asleep and she said, "Get up."

Then she went over to her kitchen and started making breakfast.

And I sat down at the table and said, "So…"

And she just stared at me, munching on her stupid Asian cereal.

"Silent treatment, eh?"

She didn't say anything.

"Two can play at this game…"

And I stayed quiet for about half a minute and said, "Okay, why aren't you talking to me?"

Then she slammed her spoon down on the table and said, "BECAUSE, NATE. I DON'T KNOW _WHAT_ TO SAY TO YOU." Then she stormed off into her room.

"SOMEONE'S ON THEIR PERIOD!"

**6:20 am**

The car ride is really awkward.

Ms. Tran doesn't like music and so it's just quiet.

QUIET.

I can't stand it.

I want to turn on her radio so bad.

Or get an iPod.

Cause mine was lost in the fire.

**7:56 am**

Fell asleep.

Woke up when TW Frau hit me and said, "Get a move on."

So I got out of the car and had to drag myself into the school.

Then she handcuffed me to her desk and so now here I am.

**8:09 am**

There was like ten minutes of awkward silence and I said, "So are you ever gonna talk to me again?"

And Ms. Tranny just kept on typing.

"Seriously. You can't just ignore me."

Then she said, "Well what do you want me to say to you?"

"I just don't want you to keep acting like I don't exist!"

"I'd like to pretend that you don't, but you keep popping up everywhere!"

"Well, too bad! I'm stuck with you until Mum comes home from Disney World!"

Then there was another awkward pause.

" So did you watch Grey's Anatomy?" I asked.

"No."

"Oh. It was on last night. Want me to recap?"

"How did you watch it?"

"Oh, I turned on the TV when you went to bed."

"There's a password on it."

"Yea. It's 0504. Not that hard to figure out."

"What? … Anyway, what happened on Grey's?"

"Well Derek was gonna propose to Meredith, but then he got a call from Addison and she was like, 'Ahh, Derek you gotta help me! My brother has some shit in his brain and you gotta take it out!' So then he went and like helped her brother and stuff, and then Lexi broke Mark's penis-"

"Wait what?"

"You know what? Just go watch it. I Tivoed it."

**8:18 am**

I am doing a worksheet about viruses.

'What is a virus?'

Just a little son of a bitch that makes people throw up.

I'm gonna seriously write that.

**8:32 am**

Whitney phoned me.

My cell phone started ringing and it was in Ms. Tranny's purse. And I was like, "My phone's ringin!"

And she said, "I don't care!"

And I said, "Gimme my cell phone! It might be my mum!"

So she gave it to me cause she didn't understand how to unlock it and see who had called (cause I set the language to French.) and I looked at it and it was Whitney. So I called her back. And she said, "Oh my god, Nate, I am so sorry."

And I was like, "Sorry for what?"

"About your dad."

"What about my dad?"

"How do you not know?"

"Know what? WHITNEY, WHAT DON'T I KNOW?"

"It was in People magazine…"

"Whitney, what happened to my dad?"

Then she was like, "Nate, I can't… I don't think I would be able to tell you."

And then she started crying.

And said, "Just go buy People magazine right now."

Then she hung up.

So I was like, "FUCK! FUCK!"

And Ms. Tran was like, "What's wrong now?"

"We gotta go buy People magazine right now."

"Well I have a class to teach, Nate, I can't just leave."

"Screw them! We gotta go get People magazine!"

"Nate, I can't leave my class…"

"Well then get someone to take me to the store to buy People magazine so that I can find out why Whitney just apologized."

"Nate, really. Can this wait until after school?"

"NO. IT'S ABOUT MY DAD!"

And so then she was like, "Okay, I'll ask if someone has it."

She just left to go see if the library had a copy of it.

I'm so fucking scared right now.

What if he just got sent to jail for life?

**8:33 pm**

What the hell is taking her so long?

**8:35 pm**

This is ridiculous. I'm about to shit my pants.

**9:44 pm**

Well, I got People magazine.

It took Ms. Tran twenty minutes to go to the store and get the goddamn magazine.

So right when I got it, I literally ripped through that thing until I saw a picture of my mum and my dad. And the headline was, "Lauren Gray's tragedy – Husband dead in car wreck."

My heart stopped right there.

And I couldn't even bear to read the article. I just saw the picture of Mum crying and Jason and Mitchie and Shane all standing there in black clothes. Like at a funeral.

That they didn't invite me to or tell me about.

So I called my mum and yelled at her in French (cause a bunch of people I know were in Ms. Tran's room and I didn't want them to get all up in my personal business), "How did you want me to find out about this?"

She said, "What are you talking about?"

"Mum, I just read in People magazine that you were at Dad's funeral. Is this true?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you call me and tell me he was dead?"

"I didn't want you to know just yet."

"WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"Nate, I thought you wouldn't be able to-"

"To what? Handle it? Mum, I would like to have been there at my own father's funeral, thanks so much! So you didn't actually go to Disney World? You went to Canada?"

"No, we did go to Disney World."

"The funeral was at Disney World?"

"No. The second we heard that, we left Disney World and went to Canada."

"So my own father died and you didn't bother to invite me to his funeral?"

"Nate, I have something to tell you. Now that you're sixteen-"

"I'm fifteen."

"Now that you're fifteen I think you can handle it."

"Handle what?"

"Well… okay, so. I don't know how to tell you this, but your father… wasn't really your father."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…"

"HOLY SHIT WAS I ADOPTED?"

"No. No, god no. You came out of _my_ vagina. Do we need to watch the birthing video again?"

"Please no."

"Okay, well your father is actually…"

"Actually... Actually who?"

"You know who he is."

"No… Actually, I don't. CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME YET."

"You've heard of him."

"Elvis Costello? That makes sense. He's Canadian."

"No. Not him."

"Stevie Wonder?"

"No…"

"TELL ME WOMAN!"

"Gene Simmons."

"Excuse me?"

"Gene Simmons is your real father."

"Wait… What?"

"You know, the guy from the band KISS."

"Yea, I know who he is, I'm not retarded. But… really?"

"Mmm hmm."

"… Holy shit. Holy. Shit. Am I being Punk'd? Ashton, you can come out now... It isn't funny!"

"I'm so sorry we never told you Nate. We just wanted you to have a normal life."

"NORMAL?"

"Yes."

"How is thinking my dad is someone else normal?"

"How is having your dad be Gene Simmons normal?"

"Hmm… Good point."

"Yes. It is a good point."

"Tell me why."

"Why what?"

"Why you lied to me."

"We were just protecting you…"

"So Jason and Shane aren't even my real brothers?"

"Oh, no, they are."

"But I thought _my_ dad was Gene Simmons…?"

"Yea, and so are theirs."

"Huh?"

"Gene Simmons and I were a couple, Natey poo. We had a thing goin' on."

"So you cheated on … Bernard … all these years?" (It was so weird calling the man I thought was my dad, Bernard. Which is his real name, by the way.)

"No."

"But you and Gene Simmons fucked and had three kids. How is that not cheating?"

"We never actually got married."

"WHAT?"

"Are you kidding me? Bernard was my best friend from high school. And he's gay."

"BUT HE GOT A GIRL PREGNANT!"

"What? No he didn't."

"Yes, he did. He told me."

"He was lying, you idiot. He went crazy ever since his dad died last month."

"GRANDPA DIED?"

"Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you."

"Mum!"

"Anyway, Bernard and I pretended to get married so no one would think anything. And so that you guys wouldn't know who your real father was."

And that's when I hung up on her. I didn't want to hear anymore. I didn't want to hear any more about how she had lied to me all these years and how my dad wasn't actually my dad. And how I wasn't invited to the funeral.

It was so dramatic.

I dropped my phone on the floor and it made this really loud cracking sound and EVERYONE stopped what they were doing and looked over at me.

Then Ms. Tran was like, "You dropped your phone."

That's when I couldn't stand it anymore and I burst out in tears. So Ms. Tran had to stop teaching and she ran over to me, pulled me out of the room, and said, "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Because of Mum… and Disney World… and GENE SIMMONS?!"

Then I couldn't stop crying and I started practically hyperventilating and she didn't understand at all and so she just hugged me and said, "It's gonna be okay."

I pushed her away and said, "No! No, it's not gonna be okay! My dad's dead and who the hell is Gene Simmons!?"

Then I started crying even harder and I started kicking lockers saying, "Fucking shit!"

So a bunch of the kids in her class were being all nosy and stuff and were staring through the door windows and watched me beat the shit out of Michael Cavenee's locker.

Then Ms. Tran got some other teacher to watch her class and she started driving back to her house. And I was hyperventilating in her car and she was like, "Please stop crying! Please! Look, I'll turn on the radio!"

And she turned on the radio and guess who was on?

KISS.

And I screamed, "TURN IT OFF!"

Now we're at Ms. Tranny's house and I've managed to lock myself in her bathroom and I did the weirdest thing.

I turned on the bathtub and got in with all my clothes on.

Just for no reason.

And I'm not getting out no matter what Ms. Tranny says.

**10:02 am**

She just tried to coax me out with some ice cream.

She said, "I have ice cream."

And I said, "So? Ice cream doesn't help."

"Please just come out here. We can talk about it."

"No. I'm never coming out! I don't want to talk to you, and I don't want to talk to anyone!"

**10:04 am**

Yea. That's right. I'm an angry teenager.

**10:56 am**

The water's getting really cold in here.

**11:01 am**

My nipples are as hard as little diamonds.

**11:02 am**

Gross.

**12:34 pm**

Now she's saying she has French food.

Oh, my weakness.

**4:55 pm**

I'm getting kinda hungry.

This water is freezing.

**6:12 pm**

She managed to break down the door.

And then she pulled me out of the bathtub and said, "Why the crap were you just sitting here in a cold bathtub?"

I said, "I need alcohol."

Then she forced me to get on some dry clothes and then put me on her couch and said, "What happened?"

And I handed her the People magazine and opened up to the page with the terrible news.

Then I started crying again and she hugged me and said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your dad."

"It's not just that he died."

"What else?"

"Well I wasn't invited to the funeral, first of all, and secondly, I found out my dad wasn't even my dad!"

"What? Then who is your dad?"

"I don't want to say."

"No, tell me."

"He's really creepy."

"Michael Jackson?"

"No, not Michael Jackson! EW!"

"Who is it then?"

"… Gene Simmons."

And she stood up and went, "WHAT? I _LOVE_ GENE SIMMONS!"

**9:32 pm**

I wouldn't stop crying and she wanted to do anything to get me to shut the bloody fuck up, so she took me to Chili's.

Well I was all sniffly and whatnot and my eyes were all red and puffy and when the waiter asked, "What would you like to drink?" I started crying again.

And Ms. Tran was like, "Just get him a lemonade."

Then the waiter looked at me like I was crazy and left, and Ms. Tran handed me a kid's menu and a red crayon and said, "Here, colour something."

And I took the menu and ripped it in half.

Then the waitress said, "Oh, let me get you another menu, sweetie."

So she got me another menu. And Ms. Tran told me not to rip it up.

And I coloured on it.

I drew me stabbing Gene Simmons with a knife.

And she wanted to see what I drew so she snatched it up and said, "… Well, this sure is violent."

Then she told me to do the madlib thing that was on the next page. So I did. And this is how it turned out.

"The Pepper Pals are using their sexy penises of anatomy to examine Pepper! First, Sunny sexed up an x-ray of Pepper's body. Hal inspects it and identifies Pepper's vagina. Chip points out Pepper's testicle and notes that it is very smelly. The X-ray is Jonas Brothery because Pepper has more than 1001 bones in his tree. Sunny, Chip, and Hal raped so much from the x-ray! Now, it's Pepper's turn to be fucked. He feels really horny and says, 'Wow! I never knew I had so many Jonas Brothers in me!'"

I don't think it was supposed to be that dirty.

Anyway, I didn't order anything and Ms. Tranny insisted that I ordered _something_, so I got a chocolate lava cake.

And when it came, I just stared at it.

And Ms. Tran ended up eating it all.

Plus, I snuck a few bites.

**Dear Slutty Pandas In Dresses,**

**Thanks so much for reading about my pathetic life and how much it sucks. I hope your day was somewhat enlightened by my shitty day. **

**Please make it better by giving me atleast 15 reviews before I let you read more of my diary.**

**Thanks.**

**Love,**

**Nate**

**PS- I'm being serious about the 15 rule.**


	22. Everyone's Allergic To Poison Ivy

**Chapter 22**

**Still the worst day of my life**

**10:24 pm**

Ms. Tran is convinced that I want to kill myself.

Only because I took a knife from the kitchen and put it up against my wrist.

But, I mean, I wasn't ACTUALLY gonna cut myself.

Or was I….?

Anyway, she hid all the knives and things I could potentially kill myself with and then locked them up real good.

I don't know what her problem is.

**12:38 am**

I can't even stand how much of an idiot Ms. Tran is.

Around eleven she told me to go to bed and so I got all comfy cozy on the couch and pretended to go to sleep.

Then I heard her turn off the TV and go into her room and go to bed.

Well, I waited about fifteen minutes for her to fall asleep and then I went into her kitchen, took all her vodka, and made myself a cosmopolitan.

(I learned a lot from Bernard. And Shane.)

So I drank it.

And it was pretty good.

**3:67 am**

I'm so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o effin drunk right now. It's hilarious. HAHHAHAH. I'm gonna shit my pants laughing.

The clock says 3:67. I don't know why.

Tee hee.

I drank ALL of her vodka.

She's an idiot for leaving it out where I could drink it all.

**Saturday, December 6**

**7:16 pm**

The bitch is pissed.

I managed to pass out on the floor under her kitchen table with a couple of beer bottles surrounding me and when she woke up at five in the morning – ugh – she saw me and dragged me out from under the table, saying, "What did you do!?"

And I slurred, "I drinkded it. I drinkded it all."

Then I threw up.

Hangovers are bitches.

Excuse me as I go die.

**Sunday, December 7**

**9:22 am**

I didn't know Ms. Tran had a boyfriend.

Who would want to get in her pants, anyway?

Last night when I was sleeping, she woke me up and said, "Hey I'll be back later."

And I was like, "Where are you going?"

"On a date."

"What? With who?"

"With my boyfriend…?"

"Why the hell would anyone want to fuck you? No offence, but… wait, no. Offence."

Then she said, "I hope you don't actually mean it and it's just the side effects of the alcohol."

"Oh, no, I mean all of it."

Well, anyway, she got engaged.

She came back with this huge diamond on her hand.

And I was like, "Whoa! Whoa!"

Then she showed it to me.

And I said, "Wow, I hope you don't end up like my mum did with Gene Simmons. That would be… tragic."

**10:10 am**

I ate some toast.

And completely ignored the existence of Ms. Tran. And I sulked.

Then I curled up on the couch and refused to move.

**10:34 am**

Guess who's not coming home until… Who knows?

My family.

They're in New Zealand.

**10:35 am**

Without me.

**12:01 pm**

Ms. Tranny told me we need to go have some fun and get the whole dead dad thing off of my mind.

"We need to go somewhere fun," she said.

"No…" I muttered and pulled the blanket over my head.

"Do you want to go bowling?"

"No."

"Want to go to Corner Bakery?"

"No."

"Then what do you want to do?"

"I want to shoot you."

"How 'bout we go paintballing!"

"Paintballing?"

"Yes."

"Fine…"

We're going at one.

**5:13 pm**

Are you fucking kidding me?

So we went out of the city to the country and then we rented some equipment and stuff and they had this place where you could go shoot people with balls of paint.

Nate vs. Tranny.

Well I went to go hide in the forest, right? And I decided to hide in some plants.

Well, too bad for me, I sat myself down in a patch of poison oak.

Anyway, I kicked her ass and totally won.

Then we went home and in the car, I started getting really itchy everywhere.

So Ms. Tranny was telling me that we were going to go to Macaroni Grill with a bunch of her friends for dinner tonight.

"Oh, no, not Macaroni Grill," I said.

"What's wrong with Macaroni Grill?" she asked.

"Every time we go there, something totally gross happens. Like one time we went, some kid threw up at the table next to us. Then we found a piece of plastic in Mum's salad. And the last time we went, Jason ate the breadsticks and got diarrhea at the restaurant."

Then there was an awkward silence, and then she said, "Gross."

Anyway, we were driving back and once we got at her house, I was so itchy all over my back and arms and stomach that I couldn't stand it and I was attempting to scratch my back on her wall.

Ms. Tran said, "What's wrong with you? Stop that."

And I said, "Ahhh, it itches!"

"Did you happen to touch any plants?"

"Yea."

"Then you might have touched poison oak."

"Oh. Fuck."

So then she got me some Calamine lotion and I put it all over my arms and my stomach and my back.

Now I am covered head to waist in pink lotion.

**5:15 pm**

I wouldn't stop scratching myself, and so Ms. Tran was all like, "You have to stop scratching at it. It just makes it worse."

Well I didn't stop. And so she put oven mitts on my hands, but I took them off, so she had to duct tape them on me and now I can't take them off.

Luckily, I can still write.

**5:23 pm**

Ms. Tran's in her room getting ready. I am using everything I possibly can to get the oven mitts off and to scratch myself.

**5:42 pm**

Tranny got pissed at me for taking some of her forks and scratching my back with them.

She said, "I EAT WITH THOSE!"

And took them away from me.

Pooey.

**6:06 pm**

We're at Macaroni Grill with a bunch of Ms. Tran's bitchy Asian girlfriends. They looked at me and said, "Babysit much?"

(Oh and bee tee dubs, I was wearing the oven mitts and the kiddie leash with the monkey backpack.)

She said, "Oh, he's my neighbour. He's staying with me until his parents get back in town."

One of them said, "What's with the oven mitts and the leash? Is he… special?"

Then I yelled, "NO, I AM NOT SPECIAL!" and started colouring on the table with the crayons they gave me.

**6:10 pm**

The waitress thinks I'm retarded.

She turned to me and said, "And what would you like to drink, sweetie?"

I stared at her with a really, really pissed off look on my face.

"I can make you some lemonade. Would you like that, darling?"

I then broke the crayon in my hand in half.

"Oh, let me get you another crayon, sweetheart."

And she got me another box of crayons.

Then she went off to go get our drinks. And I was still doodling on the table.

When she came back, she looked at what I drew and said in her stupid little kiddie voice, "Wow, that is so pretty! Good job colouring! It's such a nice picture!"

(It was me stabbing Gene Simmons, by the way.)

Then she gave me my lemonade.

With a bendy straw.

And she even bent it for me.

It had a kiddie lid on it.

Well I knocked it off the table, slammed my head down, and put my oven-mitted hands on my head, going, "UGGGHHHH!"

And she got me another lemonade.

And thinks I'm severely Autistic.

**From Nate:**

Hello my dude trumpets named Jessica!!!

Nate here. Hahaha.

Write to me please.

Do it or no new chapter.

Love you!!!!

~Nate

PS- The Jobros are stalking me. "Everyone's Alleric To Poison Ivy." Well, apparently, I am too. And I wrote this before that song came out.

**Oh yea and this is important!!!!**

From starsnuffers: I'm going to be without internet from Monday until next Sunday, so sorry if I can't update. I'll try to steal internet from the cafe downtown, but no promises! Love you!


	23. KiwiAGogo Land

**Chapter 23**

**Sunday, December 6**

**10:34 pm**

Mum called.

Guess who's coming to pick me up tomorrow?

My dad.

No, not the dead one. Gene Simmons.

Ms. Tranny flipped a shit. She was like, "GENE SIMMONS IS GONNA BE AT MY HOUSE TOMORROW!! HE'S SO-O-O-O-O-O SEXY!"

And I said, "Don't you have a fiancée?"

"Yes, but I can dream, right?"

"No. Ew."

"One day, I'm gonna wake up and Gene Simmons is going to be lying in the bed next to me, hot, and sweaty, and naked-"

"JUST STOP!"

**11:12 pm**

I YouTubed some videos of my father.

I watched this one about some sort of bass solo.

And it was kinda… okay… but then blood started coming out of his mouth (like on purpose) and I was like, "Ew, you freak."

Then TW Frau said, "AHHH! I HAVE TO FIX MY HAIR!"

**Monday, December 7**

**The day in which I meet my dad**

**On the couch**

**5:04 am**

Had to wake up early. Gene … er, Dad… is coming at six.

Ms. Tran put on this really slutty black dress and some high heels.

I'm pretty scared.

**5:34 am**

I am legit sweating right now.

I'm scared.

Gene's tongue is really long.

**6:56 am**

He's late.

Of course.

**6:57 am**

Still wearing the oven mitts.

**7:05 am**

DOOR BELL JUST RANG!

**7:40 am**

Ms. Tran answered the door and there he was – Gene Simmons – standing there, his car keys in hand. He took off his sun glasses and said, "Sorry I'm late."

Then TW Frau giggled and said, "It's okay, Gene. Hi, I'm Tiffani." And then attempted to stand there all sexily.

Gene said, "Okay, where's my son?"

And then I pop out of the shadows, oven mitts and all and just look at him.

He then said, "Oh, god, don't tell me I had a 'special' kid."

**7:42 am**

I AM NOT A SPECIAL KID.

**7:51 am**

Sitting in Gene's limo.

It was really awkward and quiet for about twenty minutes.

Then Gene said, "So… Nick…"

"It's Nate," I corrected him.

"I'm Gene Simmons; I'll call you whatever the hell I want, Nick."

**7:59 am**

I hate my father. I've known him for less than an hour and I already hate him.

**8:04 am**

We went to his hotel room.

He pointed to a bed and said, "Stay there. Don't talk to me."

So I sat down on the bed and he got on his bed and fell asleep.

I'm probably gonna go to sleep, too.

**9:17 am**

I was like half asleep when Gene called my mum.

He said, "Oh my god, you didn't tell me we had a retarded kid."

Pause.

"No, he IS retarded."

Pause.

"He's wearing oven mitts, Lauren, how is he NOT special?"

I sat up and said, "I can hear you."

Then he hung up and said, "Oh, hi…. Son."

"I'm not a special kid."

"I'm sure you're not."

"What?"

"Look, Nick, I know you just want to fit in with the bigger kids, but they don't like hanging out with retards like you."

"What are you talking about? I'm not spec-"

"Yes. You are."

"What makes you think that, huh?"

"You're wearing oven mitts."

"That's only cause I got poison oak and I can't scratch or-"

"Who are we kidding ourselves? Do you like monkeys?"

"No."

"Come on, let's go to the zoo." Then he muttered, "Oh my god, how did I get stuck with the Autistic one?"

**4:32 pm**

He took me to the zoo.

The paparazzi were there.

Apparently, word got out about the whole "ZOMGZ, their dad is actually Gene Simmons!" and now everyone wants to take our picture and put it on a magazine cover.

Well, Gene was happily smiling and waving. And I was pouting.

He knew. He had called them. He called the paparazzi and told them that we were going to the zoo today.

What a picture whore.

Anyway, I was there with all my mitted glory and people were taking pictures.

He said to me, "Hold my hand so you don't get lost."

And then we looked at some monkeys. And giraffes.

Then he stopped to talk to some paparazzi people.

He introduced me as, "Nick, his special child."

I said, "I AM NOT SPECIAL! And my name's Nate, thank you very much."

Then Gene said, "He's trying so hard to fit in. Bless his little heart."

I pulled him off to the side and said, "Dad, why do you hate me so much?"

"Oh, don't feel bad, Nick, I had an Autistic brother."

"No you didn't."

"You're right, I didn't. Want a stuffed animal?"

"No. I don't."

"Aww, come on, this one's a backpack! How cool is that?"

And then he shoved a plush giraffe backpack in my face.

And then he bought it.

And forced me to wear it for the rest of the day.

Well then we were at the lunch thing signing autographs and one little kid was approaching me to get a picture and she said, "Hi, Nate, I'm a huge fan!"

I smiled and was about to talk to her, but then Gene says, "Back off, kid, he gets spooked easily."

Then the girl frowned and walked away.

Well, that's when I cracked.

I screamed, "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! I'M NOT FUCKING BLOODY RETARDED, SO YOU CAN JUST SHUT THE BLOODY FUCK UP, GENE!!!"

Then we got kicked out of the zoo for 'excessive swearing.'

I didn't know you weren't allowed to say fuck at the zoo.

**5:09 pm**

I hate intense conversations.

Gene turned to me and said, "Look, Nick, I'm sorry."

I just huffed and crossed my arms.

"I didn't know you weren't actually a special kid."

"How the bloody hell did you not figure that one out?"

"Well, to my defense, you WERE wearing oven mitts."

"HEY."

"But, I know, I know, it was for the stupid poison oak thing. And I'm really sorry, Nick, I am."

"It's Nate."

"Okay, Shane. I mean Nick. I mean… What was it again?"

"NATE. N-A-T-E. It's not that hard!"

He snickered and said, "That's what she said."

**5:21 pm**

Gene barged into the bathroom when I was showering and said, "Come on, kid, we gotta go!"

And I was like, "I am naked! I am naked in the shower! GET OUT!"

"Come on, we have a plane to catch!"

"Where are we going?"

"New Zealand!"

"What? For how long?"

"For, like, ever!"

"What?!"

"Yea we're moving! So get a move on!"

I just now got the news that we're moving to New Zealand.

I was like, "Gene, I can't leave this very second! I have to say bye to all my friends!"

And he was like, "Ughh…" And called someone and made it so that the flight was later.

Now I gotta go say bye to all my friends…

Holy shit, I'm moving all the way across the world!

**10:45 pm**

I went to Whitney's house, first, of course.

I rang her door bell and in tears said, "Whitney, I'm moving."

And she said, "What? Where? When?"

"Right now. To New Zealand."

"NEW ZEALAND?!"

So then we went in her house. And I gave her Jeremy3. And we both cried and hugged and then Gene knocked on her door, and so then he took me and we ran to the airport. I told Whitney to tell everyone I was moving. Honestly, I don't think I could be able to tell anyone else. It would break my heart about ten times for each person I had to tell.

It's better this way.

Long goodbyes suck.

**11:34 pm**

I am on a plane.

Going to New Zealand.

I sure hope there are no mother fuckkin' snakes on this mother fuckkin' plane.

**11:35 pm**

If you haven't seen Epic Movie, you won't understand how funny that was.

**4:01 am**

Fail. This is fail.

I cannot sleep on planes.

**About ten years later**

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I live in a castle.

Like, as in… a real castle.

It's on ten acres of land, has horses and sheep and cows, and also looks exactly like a castle. It has like a couple towers and a HUGE gate that has the initials "G-S" on it in fancy golden cursive letters. No, not Girl Scouts. "Gray-Simmons." Or "Gene Simmons." I can't figure out which it is.

Anyway, I was in awe when I stepped out of Gene's limo.

And when two security guards dressed in all black came and pressed in a pass code so that we could get in.

And when I saw the fountain with the dolphins.

So there I was, in total shock (it was so much nicer than our last house), and then when I got inside, I noticed the double staircase and most importantly, the chandelier.

I stared at it for at least ten minutes.

Then I got snapped back into reality when this chick dressed up like a French maid came and took my jacket off for me. She said in a French accent, "It's hot outside this time of year, sir."

Sir?

SIR?

And then I realised that, yes, it was rather hot outside.

I turned to her and said, "Do I actually live here?"

She giggled and said, "Of course, Nate. Welcome home." Then she curtsied.

Oh my god.

My maid I've known less than thirty seconds knows my name and my own father doesn't.

**Later**

You know who's really pissing me off right now?

Octomum.

Or as I like to call her, Octopussy. (I stole it from Perez, kill me.)

She needs to shut her big loose pussy and stop having kids.

And stop taking government handouts and DO SOMETHING ABOUT HER GODDAMN 14 KIDS!

It should be like illegal to have more than four kids.

**One minute later**

I just saw the dining room.

Holy. Fuck.

It's like one of those fancy dining rooms you only see in movies. About castles. And shit like that.

There was this huge ass portrait of Mum and Gene above a fancy fireplace.

**One minute later**

My room.

Looks like.

A hotel.

But ten times fancier.

Do you remember that one scene in Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan goes into Regina George's room and you can see the bathroom? Well my bathroom looks exactly like that. Jacuzzi tub and everything. With the pillars, too.

**One minute later**

Holy shit dude.

I'm gonna like living here.

I just looked out the window and saw the backyard.

And saw the golf course, the pool, and the tennis courts.

Too bad I hate sports.

**Five minutes later**

I just ate a grape I found on the floor.

I don't think it was a grape.

**Thirty seconds later**

It wasn't a grape… it was OCTOMUM!

Jay kay, jay kay.

Gross.

Have you SEEN her stomach?

Dayum, girl.

I hope I never have eight kids.

She looks like she's about to like… explode. Ouch.


	24. THERE'S NO SPIRAL MAC AND CHEESE!

**Chapter 24**

**Thursday, December 10**

**11:21 am**

Oh. My. God.

Kiwi –a – go go land is SOOOO BORING!Capital boring. That's how boring it is.

All there is here is sheep. And more sheep. Oh, and look! More fucking sheep!

Literally.

I saw some sheep getting' it on yesterday.

**12:50 pm**

Went around town.

There were no cool people there. The only people were like… old people. And I can't ask some random old person to go chill at the mall with me.

**12:52 pm**

Old people scare me.

**1:33 pm**

Kelsey made me some very Kiwi-a-gogo lunch.

It sucked.

I don't even know what the hell it was, but it was really bad.

**1:45 pm**

Just found out that Shane has been storing his weed in my laptop case.

**1:46 pm**

Well, I guess it is a good place to hide illegal drugs.

Or is it legal here?

It's legal in Canada.

Well, not really, but if you get caught by the coppers, they'll just get their pipe and smoke with you.

**5:08 pm**

Jason has decided that we are going to go to a church on Sunday.

I was like, "Church?!" What in the name of Hitler's knickers and matching bra set was he thinking?

He said, "Well we need a place to go meet with new people since we just moved here."

Basically, he has no friends and is desperate.

So now we're gonna pretend to be Christian or something so he can get some friends.

What a loser.

**5:09 pm**

Wait, am I a loser?

**5:10 pm**

God, I hope not.

**Thirty seconds later**

Nah, I'm way too cool to be a loser!

**Sunday, December 13**

**8:10 am**

Guess when I woke up this morning?

Yea, before noon.

That's just awful.

Cause I have to go to CHHUURRCCCHHH.

Gross.

It's gonna be really boring and stupid.

**8:12 am**

Mum just ran into my room and said, "Hey! I wrote a new song!"

And I was like, "Good for you…"

"It's called 'Poker Face.'"

"How'd you come up with that one?"

"Oh me and Shane played strip poker at Disney World."

"Gross. Together?"

"No, no, no. We were in different rooms. I got some hot guys and Shane got some hot chicks and we all went. I ended up giving this one guy a-"

"OKAY, STOP!"

"ANYWAY, I thought of it when my head was in between two guys' cocks-"

"Gross."

"Point is, it's awesome."

"Great."

"I'm gonna perform it for everyone tonight."

"Can't wait."

"Yes, it's gonna be so cool!"

"Awesome…" (I was half asleep so I couldn't really care.)

"Gene is gonna be in it too."

"That's great. Is blood gonna come out of his mouth?"

"No. But anyway, speaking of mouths, I'm gonna go. You doing anything today?"

"Jason's making me go to church."

"Ew."

"Tell me about it."

**8:34 am**

Gene made cheeseburgers for breakfast.

He handed me a cheeseburger.

Only it was on a bagel.

And I was like, "What the fuck?"

He said, "We ran out of buns."

"Why for breakfast?"

"I don't know."

"This is disgusting."

Then I gave it to Shane and he ate it.

**8:45 am**

We are driving to church right now.

Ughhh.

With a capital "Uh."

**9:50 am**

Church just ended.

I actually… enjoyed it?

When we first got there, Jason was like, "Nate, you're gonna love it."

And I was like, "No I'm not."

We used to be Mormon.

I know, right?

I hadn't stepped foot in a church for, what, seven years?

Anyway, I eventually got out of the car (after Jason kicked me a few times) and I went in and it wasn't a Mormon church, it was a "Unitarian" church.

Whatever that means.

So I got into the classroom and there were a bunch of bean bags and a lava lamp and shit in the classroom. It was, quite frankly, awesome. I sat down on a purple bean bag and they informed me that the class was called "COA" which stands for "Coming Of Age." Basically, all we do is learn about how to be a good person. At least, that's what I got out from it.

I had to introduce myself. I said, "Hi, I'm Nate Gray."

And I thought everyone was gonna be like, "Holy shit! Like the son of Gene Simmons and Lauren Gray?! OMG WE LOVE YOU!"

But everyone was all chill.

It was odd.

Anyway, we played this game to get to know each other (well, so the other kids could get to know me) called 'two truths and a lie,' where you say two things that are true and one that's a lie. I said, "I was born in England, I have two brothers, and my father is Gene Simmons."

Everyone laughed. And said the Gene Simmons thing was a lie.

Our teacher said, "It's not supposed to be obvious, Nate."

I said, "Well the Gene Simmons thing is true."

Then they all laughed again.

I said, "The England thing was a lie. I'm Canadian."

They said, "Sure, sure."

It was a bit strange. And they all think I'm a liar, but whatever. We started talking about how if some weird thing happened where there was a law that said all gay people were going to be imprisoned for life, would we go to jail to fight for them or don't do anything.

I thought EVERYONE was going to not do anything, but everyone said they would go to jail.

I was so utterly and completely confused.

It was the exact polar opposite of everything I expected from a church.

They actually like gay people.

WHICH IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Finally I have found a place where people don't throw staplers at me for sticking up for my gay friends!

True story about the stapler, too.

Plus also, five of the seven kids in the class are atheist.

Yesss.

I met this really cool kid named Brian and I got his phone number and he said he'd add me on Facebook.

Finally, I have a friend in this boring town!

Jason made some friends too. But they're a bunch of old people.

He tries so hard to fit in with the adults.

It's hilarious.

But I guess since he's 21 he technically an adult, but whatever.

**11:53 am**

Odd…

When I told Mum about what happened at church and told her about the Gene Simmons thing and told her no one believed me, she said, "NO!!! DON'T BLOW OUR COVER, YOU IDIOT!"

And I was like, "What?"

"Darling, the reason we moved here is BECAUSE people found out about this whole your father isn't really your father thing. When shit like this happens, we move to the most random countries and wait for things to die down before we go back! Why else do you think we randomly moved?!"

"Ummm… I don't know…? I thought you wanted to be a llama herder."

She said, "When you go to school next week, you are not to tell a soul who your parents are, got that? Don't tell them anything about us. Don't tell them about our mansion or about the Gene Simmons thing or anything."

"I didn't understand it was a big deal…"

"Well now you know." Then she walked away while yelling at Kelsey.

What the shit?

**11:54 am**

Oh shit.

I just realised that school starts again soon.

For some crazy-ass reason, the start of the school is in early January.

That is so weird.

It's even weirder that even though I'm still in tenth grade back in Texas, I'll be in eleventh here.

Crazy Kiwis.

**11:58 am**

Does that mean I'm technically older than all my Texas friends, but younger than all the Kiwi's here?

I don't get it…

**12:01 pm**

I just noticed that my computer chair has a lot of stains on it.

Like awkward stains.

It looks like a cat gave birth on it.

**12:02 pm**

Eww, what if Miley gave birth on it? (The dog.)

I wouldn't be surprised.

She's a slut.

I'm getting off the chair.

**12:05 pm**

Oh my god the most devastating thing just happened!

So I went into the kitchen to make some mac and cheese, but guess what?

THERE'S NO MORE SPIRAL MAC AND CHEESE! We only have that shit original kind.

I was like, "Oh my god, where's the spirals?!"

Kelsey informed me that the grocery store DOESN'T SELL SPIRALED MAC AND CHEESE HERE.

Needless to say, I flipped a shit.

Now I am boiling some water for my bland, original shaped mac and cheese.

FML.

**12:08 pm**

Could I possibly get spiraled mac and cheese imported here?

**12:09 pm**

How much would that cost?

**Thirty seconds later**

Who cares how much it costs?

PSH!!

**12:10 pm**

I WANT MY DAMN SPIRALED MAC AND CHEESE.

**12:33 pm**

UGH. This bland regular shit is awful!

**5:16 pm**

There are twelve days until Christmas.

**5:17 pm**

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!!

**5:18 pm**

I totally just made you sing that song. Don't deny it.

**6:02 pm**

Nasty noises are coming from Shane's room.

**6:57 pm**

Hmm… I need to do some investigatin'.

Four boys and two girls just came out of Shane's room.

A six-some?

**6:59 pm**

I actually wouldn't be surprised. That sounds like something he would do.

I guess he made some new friends already.

Wonder where he met them…?

**7:06 pm**

He met them at a gay bar.

**7:07 pm**

WHAT?!

Okay, so I'm totally confused.

Shane's not gay… Is he?

**7:10 pm**

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up.

Jason's gay, Mum's bi, Shane's now apparently bi…

Is Gene Simmons gay?

Am I gay?!

God, I hope not.

Well, I guess if I were gay I wouldn't care. Since it wouldn't be all like 'ewww that's so gay!!!' since I am gay.

This is confusing.

I'm confusing myself.

Shut up, brain, shut up.

I'm not gay.

**7:11 pm**

Not that I have anything against gay people seeing as my whole family is apparently gay.

**7:21 pm**

Something just fell off something on my desk and I have no idea what it was. But it scared me.

**9:33 pm**

I just got DUMPED.

Caitlyn called me and told me she was in Texas and she wanted to visit me.

This is how the conversation went:

Me: "Hi!"

Caitlyn: "Hey, I'm in Texas. Where are you staying?"

"Oh, I'm in New Zealand."

"When are you coming back?"

"Never."

"What?"

"I moved here. Didn't I tell you?"

"WHAT? NO!"

"Well I moved."

"OH. MY. GOD."

"What?"

"Nate, I can't have an overseas relationship."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we're over."

Then she hung up.

I was in a state of confusiosity.

It was, well, confusing.

**9:56 pm**

I have Mum's new song stuck in my head.

_Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my poker face!!_

Catchy, yes. Slutty, yes.

Just like her other one called 'Beautiful Dirty Rich.'

She fucking rolls in money in her music video for that.

**9:57 pm**

Wait, I just realised that I can, in fact, roll in money if I really wanted to.

**10:38 pm**

I just rolled in money.

It was kinda fun.

But not all it's cracked up to be.

**10:39 pm**

Naw, what am I kidding? It was AMAZING.

I'm not a hobo eating banana peels out of trashcans, now am I, Ms. Tranny?!

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hi everyone! Nate here, again. Thanks for all the reivews! Keep it up! Fifteen more reviews and I will post the next chapter, which is quite the hilarium. It includes alot of Nate torture, so for those of you sadists or whatever, you will enjoy this. I hope.

So what do you say? Fifteen reviews?

LOVE!

**From starsnuffers:** Hey have any of you guys gotten presale tickets? I'm confused as to how it works, but I'm skipping school tomorrow to get them.


	25. Me VS Dentists

**Chapter 25**

**Wednesday, December 16**

**9:41 am**

Oh my am I tired.

I think I shall have a nap.

This time change thing is a bitch.

**2:10 pm**

Bwahahaha I love Shane.

Jason just informed us that we all have dentist appointments at three-thirty, and Shane looked at him and then farted right in his face and walked away with Mitchie and they left to go shopping.

Jason just scoffed, rolled his eyes, and walked away.

**2:12 pm**

Dentists are evil.

**2:13 pm**

Honestly, they are.

**2:46 pm**

Made some mac and cheese.

When I was making it Gene came in and said, "Don't make a mess. I'll shoot you if you do."

I laugh.

He says, "Oh haha, you thought I was kidding."

Then he rambled on – in depth – on _how exactly_ he would shoot me if I got 'that damn cheese powder all over his countertop.'

Oh my god.

**2:50 pm**

"Harry Potter free Dobby! How can Dobby ever repay him?"

Yea, I'm watching Harry Potter, jealous?

It's quite odd, because Ronald says "bloody Hell" like three times. That's swearing. And it's on Disney Channel.

**2:55 pm**

Haggrid reminds me of my aunt. They have the same haircut.

**2:56 pm**

Hermione has stupid fringe in the second movie.

**2:59 pm**

Oh my goodness, it's over.

**3:00 pm**

Whoa, what the shit? It's playing again!

Damn Disney Channel.

**3:01 pm**

This is bull shit!

What a rip off!

**3:03 pm**

Oh, well it's starting from the beginning. I started at the end last time.

**3:08 pm**

Jason says we have to leave soon. I hate the dentist. Did I ever tell you I have this insane irrational fear of the dentist?

Well, I do.

Everyone in band found out somehow about my fear last year. I think it might have been because I nearly had a panic attack when Jason came to pick me up for a dentist appointment.

I started crying.

It was pretty bad.

**3:15 pm**

We are in the car. Right now. Driving to the place of all torture and hell.

**3:27 pm**

They have stupid magazines here.

Like Kiwi magazines.

This place is so odd, I must say.

**3:31 pm**

Jason fell asleep. I had to wake him up because he started snoring. He said, "Oh, goodness, I still haven't gotten used to the time change."

I haven't either.

It's a bitch. Honestly, it is.

**3:34 pm**

Oh, bollocks, they just called my name.

Fucking shit fuck.

**4:57 pm**

I had two cavities

They gave me six shots.

Yes. Six.

I flipped about ten shits.

The Evil Dr. Dentist of Doom (that's an alliteration, kiddies) was like, "Relax. Goddamn, calm down." (Cause I was basically in tears. No, wait, I WAS in tears.)

And I was like, "I CAN'T WHEN YOU HAVE A FUCKING NEEDLE IN MY MOUTH!"

I was swearing left and right at that asshole evil dentist dude.

It hurt. A lot.

And then after, they made it so much worse by giving me a sticker.

I DON'T WANT NO BLOODY STICKER!

I ripped it up in the dentist's face. It had a smiling tooth on it holding a tooth brush. It was sickening.

Disgusting.

Revolting.

Heinous.

Stupid happy tooth.

I'm not happy, that's for sure.

Jason was like, "Oh, Nate, now's not the time to get your grumpy knickers on."

I screamed at him right there in the office, "Yes, well I like wearing my grumpy trousers or knickers or whatever!"

And then everybody looked at us.

It's time to plot revenge on the dentist.

**5:24 pm**

I am in paaaiinnn.

Ugh.

Help me, someone!

Please?

I'll give you a cookie.

**5:29 pm**

I am searching through the drug cabinet.

**Thirty seconds later**

I spy some Advil.

Hmm… maybe.

Umm… prenatal vitamins? WTF? Like that'll do any good. Cough syrup, some tea, heroin, cough drops… Wait, heroin? Who the hell put that in there?

Did I really just ask that?

Okay…

Oooh, Vicodin! Finally, something good.

**5:32 pm**

Oh, bloody hell!

Harry Potter just got bit by that big scary snake thing!

**5:33 pm**

Oh, yea, bee tee dubs, Harry Potter is playing again.

I know.

Disney likes Harry a lot apparently.

But I guess if he was a huge money maker for me, I would like him as well.

**5:46 pm**

Shane and Mitchie invited me to watch a movie with them they just rented called, "Knocked Up," with that chick from Grey's Anatomy.

I said, "Oh, Mitchie, it's so perfect for you!"

She growled and said, "Oh, shut it, you damn Brit! I'd like to see you get laid!"

Then Shane pinched me.

And now we're watching the movie.

It's quite the hilarium.

**6:51 pm**

At the end of the movie, it shows the scene where that chick, Allison, gives birth to her kid.

I turned to Mitchie while we were watching it and said, "Hey, Mitchie, that's gonna be you in seven months."

Mitchie was looking at the screen, her eyes wide open and her jaw dropped. She said, "OH FUCK! THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS! THAT IS SICK!" Then she turned to Shane, started punching him, and said, "YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU ASSHOLE!"

**6:52 pm**

I heard somewhere that sex is the leading cause of babies.

**6:53 pm**

So don't have sex.

**6:54 pm**

Or go to the dentist.

They are evil.

_Très _evil.

_Très, très _evil.

Yea, I just double '_trèsed_' you

Jealous?

**7:57 pm**

Our internet decided to be a bitch and stopped working, and so I tried connecting to the neighbour's network.

Well, I didn't know their password, so I tried a bunch of random words.

And I typed in 'penis.'

And it worked.

My neighbour is a creeper.

I think it might be the Jonas Brother's network.

**8:14 pm**

I was walking my dog, and I saw my neighbour through my window setting up a table for 6. Weird part is… he's single.

**8**:**31 pm**

Ugh, ugh.

I HATE Christians!

Them and their stupid family dinners!

I quietly stalked over to their house with Miley and he invited like all the neighbours near him to go eat dinner with him.

**8:32 pm**

Hey, we weren't invited…

**8:33 pm**

Anyway, it was so gross because they were all sitting there, holding hands, and praying.

With their candles.

Ugh.

It looked like Thanksgiving. So perfect and nice.

Our family dinners usually include me eating some mac and cheese, Jason making one of those frozen pizzas, Mum eating Chinese takeout (ugh, Asian food) and Shane is always either drunk or high.

I don't know if he eats at all.

But we NEVER sit down at the same table and eat together at the same time. I'll be in my room, Mum will be on the couch watching TV, and Jason will be the only one sitting at the table.

And then Mr. Nextdoor the Penis Password Guy is there with the whole goddamn neighbourhood.

Minus us.

**8:35 pm**

Pondering why everyone hates us.

**8:36 pm**

I think it's a Christian thing.

Maybe they can tell we're all atheists. Like as if we radiate some sort of smell of an atheist or something crazy like that, I don't know.

What if they have a fifth sense or something?

**8:37 pm**

I meant sixth.

**8:39 pm**

Stop laughing at my blumb moment.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hello my lesbian lovers!

It is I, the one, the only, Nathaniel Bernard Gray!

Love me, hate me, still an obsession. Love me or hate me, that is the question. If you review then, thank you! If you don't then, fuck you!

Just kidding, you know I'll always like you! Maybe not as much as the people who review, but still.

15 more reviews and new chapter!

Love,

Nate


	26. I'm such a nice person

**Chapter 26**

**Friday, December 25**

**12:30 pm**

Happy Christmas, everyone!!

Wow, I cannot believe Christmas is finally here. It seemed like this year went by really fast, didn't it?

**12:31 pm**

You know, actually, it kinda didn't.

**12:33 pm**

Miley left me a present on my floor.

Yea, and I just stepped in it too.

Fuck. My. Life.

**12:47 pm**

Took a shower. Washed the dog shit off of my foot.

**2:15 pm**

I am such a nice person.

I used my magical powers to arrange for a Prius and a custom-made Vera Wang wedding dress (in size zero, because she's anorexic) to be delivered right to Ms. Tranny's door tomorrow.

There's gonna be a tag on it that says, "Love, Nate. Sorry you had to put up with me."

**6:45 pm**

I made some cookies!

**7:12 pm**

You know what's weird? It's like extremely hot out. It's _Christmas._

**7:14 pm**

Damn Kiwis.

**9:56 pm**

Jason wanted to have a family dinner. I said, "Good luck with that."

It ended up with me and Jason eating one of those frozen TV dinners at the table together.

We have no food in our house.

We went swimming, too. It's so hot out, we swam on Christmas day.

**Saturday, December 26**

**Boxing Day**

**9:03 am**

Woo hoo!

It's Boxing Day, which means we can open our presents!!!

I'm waking everyone up so we can open the presents.

**9:05 am**

Okay, well Shane and Mitchie are high, Mum's busy yelling at Kelsey, and Gene is… playing tennis, I think.

Oh, well, Jason and I can still have a nice family(ish) moment opening our gifts together.

**9:39 am**

Mum, Mitchie, and Shane all "forgot" to get me a present, but at least Jason didn't forget. Jason even filled my stocking up with candy.

So there was ONE present under the tree not from Jason.

It was from Gene.

I opened it, expecting it to be something really cool…

But it was a Harry Potter scarf.

And a matching hat.

I don't really even like Harry Potter!!

Whatever. It's the thought that counts, right?

**9:40 am**

Well, not really.

**12:47 pm**

Jason and I are gonna go around town and shop and stuff.

**1:28 pm**

I bought a scarf. (Not a Harry Potter one.)

And a beret.

It's red.

Jason has a purple one.

**11:56 pm**

Want to know something really creepy?

Okay so when I was like in sixth grade, my friends and I made a video where Michael Jackson broke into our house and raped us, only guess what? I was MJ. And I was wearing a Gene Simmons mask.

I found the video on Facebook today and flipped a shit.

Ironic much?

It's funny. Go watch it on Facebook.

**12:12 am**

I showed it to Gene. He nearly shit himself laughing.

**1:56 am**

What is the past-tense word for 'shit'?

Is it 'shat' or 'shitted'?

These are the things I ponder at 1:56 in the morning.

**2:03 am**

I just shat…?

I just shitted….?

I prefer to use 'shat' because that's 'cat' in French.

**2:04 am**

I just… cat…?

**2:05 am**

Maybe is it even just 'shit'?

"He shit himself laughing."

That makes sense.

**2:07 am**

But wait.

'The cat shit on the floor' doesn't make any sense.

**2:08 am**

Wait, I think it does…

**2:11 am**

Oh, screw it, I'm going to bed.

**Sunday, December 27**

**8:57 am**

Miley Cyrus came out with a book. It's called "Miles To Go."

It was under my Christmas tree.

A gift from Shane.

**8:58 am**

Threw the book into the back of my closet.

**10:31 pm**

Okay, I read the Miley book .

All of it.

Because that's how bored I was.

She had three whole chapters about me. And made a bunch of "Seven Things" references. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT, YOU BITCH! She called me "Prince Charming." She also said some nasty shit about me.

Ugh, she's such a fiery cunt.

**10:35 pm**

Planning my revenge on Miley Cyrus.

**Monday, December 28**

**9:55 am**

Ms. Tranny just emailed me. She thanked me for the gifts.

And then rambled on about how she can't accept them.

I wrote back, "If you don't accept the gifts, I will fly to your house and shank you. All my love, Nate."

**10:01 am**

I had the absolute strangest dream. I was back at my middle school in England, and I was outside. Well, for some reason, some sort of class or club or something decided to release this mutant chipmunk back into the wild.

Well it turned on us and started chasing us down. And everyone was running. But then it was chasing me and I used other people to block it, so they got bit and I didn't. Then I grabbed it and with the help of some seniors, we killed it. How weird is that? I have really odd dreams.

There was also something about me like accidently killing Whitney, and this creepy kid named Lee that was in my biology class kept saying to me, "You killed her. Don't deny it. It's all your fault."

It was very _Lion King_.

**10:05 am**

I really miss Whitney.

**10:06 am**

Too bad I killed her.

**10:10 am**

Called Whitney. Forgot that it was two in the morning there.

She answered sounding very sleepily, and said, "Nate? Yes?"

I said, "Hi Whitney! I'm so glad you're not dead!"

"Me too," she muttered. Then she hung up on me.

**10:28 am**

I just spent the last fifteen minutes pondering my weird dream.

**11:09 am**

Ooh, girl, am I hungry!!

**11:14 am**

Ate some toast.

**11:16 am**

Shane just threw a chair at me. I managed to dodge it, but he still threw a chair at me, nonetheless.

**12:56 pm**

I had to give Miley a bath. She fucking hates water. I had to like get my bathing suit on and get in the bathtub with her. It was so gross. The little bugger kept splashing water all over my bathroom, trying desperately to escape. But now she smells better so it's okay.

**1:16 pm**

I've made a list.

_The seven things I hate about Miley. (The dog.)_

She's ugly.

She has no respect for my personal property.

She's a huge slut.

There were supposed to be seven, but that's all I have at the moment.

**1:31 pm**

Okay, so Mum actually didn't forget about Christmas.

She bought me a llama.

Yes, a llama.

I named it Mandy. Because I hate that bitch. Miley's best friend equals UGH.

She's so fucking annoying.

Am I the only one who would throw a party if she died?

**10:11 pm**

I had to go to some stupid meeting with Mum and Gene and all of their little workers downtown. Gene and Mum are planning their tour for March.

Yes, my mum and my father are both touring. Together. It's like a double show, I guess.

But anyway, they were downtown with me all day just planning and shit. And they designed the stage. And Mum had them design some outfits. And the lighting just has to be this colour blue, not that one!

But, honestly, I don't think anyone gives a flying fuck if the blue light is a shade darker.

**11:09 pm**

I watched like ten episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

Me and that skanky Meredith girl share a last name.

I've been so bored with no friends to talk to and so I've watched the full series of the show. I. Have. No. Life.

**11:14 pm**

But that's because I left my life back in Texas.

**Wednesday, December 30**

**9:44 am**

I think I'm going crazy.

I was walking Miley and a car drove past me, only the driver looked a lot like Ms. Tranny.

It was so odd.

**9:45 am**

Guess what? It's New Year's Eve.

Aren't you just so excited?

**10:09 am**

I just found my Backstreet Boys CD in Jason's murse!

What the shit?!

**10:13 am**

That makes you larger than life!!

Sorry, but I love that song.

**10:30 am**

Mum just informed me that we're having some sort of kick ass party at our house tonight with a bunch of Mum and Gene's fancy musician friends.

I hear Stevie Wonder is gonna be here.

Sweet.

**12:34 pm**

I was just sitting in my room, talking to people on Facebook, when all of the sudden all of these people barged into my room and started like redecorating it.

I said, "Umm, hello? This is my room."'

One of them told me that they're redecorating it for the party tonight.

Jesus Christ Wagons, how big is this party gonna be that they need to take my room over?

**12:50 pm**

There. Is. So. Much. Food. At. Our. House.

I cannot even stand it.

It's all outside in the outdoor living center.

I think I'm gonna eat it.

**12:52 pm**

Oh my god. What to eat first?

Ooh, I'm going for the pretzels.

**12:53 pm**

I just got yelled at for eating the food. But I mean, it's not like we're gonna run out or anything.

**1:21 pm**

I went on a walk.

We have new neighbours. How cool is that?

I saw a moving van.

Maybe they won't be assholes like all the others.

They live about half a mile down the road.

Maybe I should go give them some of the cookies we have here or something. That would be the neighbourly thing to do, I guess.

**1:22 pm**

Nah, I'm too lazy to walk all the way there again.

**1:23 pm**

Screw it.

**1:44 pm**

I kinda want to buy a golf cart. Our mail box is like a mile away and it would be very convenient to get the mail that way.

I remember when we lived in England, our neighbour, Hugh Laurie (but not trying to be a name dropper or anything), used a golf cart to get his mail.

We should do the same.

**1:45 pm**

I know you're jealous I lived next door to Hugh Laurie. Don't deny it.

Trufax, BB.

**1:50 pm**

I just looked outside. They have some sort of ice statue outside.

Can't wait to see how long it takes to melt.

My guess is that it'll be melted before the party even starts. It's hot outside.

**1:57 pm**

You know what we should do?

Put some dry ice in the pool.

It makes for kick-ass parties.

**1:58 pm**

I'm gonna go drive to the super market.

**2:00 pm**

Just realised that I can't drive.

Screw it, I'll go by foot. It's not really that far.

**2:49 pm**

That took longer than expected. But, no worries, because I got the ice.

And my hands just about froze off when I was running back.

But I put it in the freezer and right when everyone comes, I'll throw it all in the pool.

**3:01 pm**

Mum says we have to look BEAUTIFUL so that her famous friends don't think lowly on us.

Jason says I have a unibrow.

**3:09 pm**

Jason plucked my unibrow. It hurt. A lot.

I don't know how girls can stand that.

**3:11 pm**

Jason decided that Shane also has a unibrow and, in his own words, caterpillars on his forehead.

So he took his tweezers of death and tried to fix Shane's eyebrows.

Mum came in the bathroom where we were and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

And Jason said, "I'm plucking Shane's eyebrows."

She said, "Oh, I thought you were setting his hair on fire!"

I said, "Yea, Mum, because that seems like a logical thing to do."

**4:20 pm**

Shane came into the living room where I was sitting and let a huge one rip.

Right in my face.

Then he said, "Oh, man, that was hard core," and walked away.

**4:41 pm**

Oh, haha. I see this.

This whole 'New Year's Eve party' thing is actually a publicity stunt.

For promoting their new tour.

Good job being picture whores, Mum and Gene.

They invited media.

**5:12 pm**

Walked in on Jason making out with some boy. I gagged.

**9:02 pm**

Sounds like a really fun party down there.

Too bad I'm grounded.

Yes, that's right, children. My mum just locked me in my room for something MILEY did.

Okay, so Miley decided to be a bitch (what a surprise) and she took a huge dump on the floor of the living room. Well, I was the only one in the living room and so Mum yelled at me. She said, "Nate! I cannot believe you would do something like this!"

And I said, "What?"

"I can't believe you took a shit on my new rug!"

"I did not!"

"Then what is this?! That's it, go to your room!"

"But-"

"No buts! GO."

She thought that _I_ took a shit on her rug.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY?!

Well, I've been locked up in my Rupunzel (or however you spell her name) tower for about three hours now. And EVERYONE'S here. And there are really hot girls, too.

FML.

**9:13 pm**

Someone has the audacity to throw rocks at my window.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Do they not realise I'm grounded here for, supposedly, taking a shit on my mum's floor?

**9:49 pm**

_Rupunzel, Rupunzel, let down your long pubic hair-afro!_

I finally opened my window. There was some chick about my age throwing pebbles at my window.

What is this? Romeo and Juliet?

Anyway, I screamed, "WHAT THE FUCKERY?!" at her.

She laughed and said, "Come down here, you party pooper."

I had to giggle at that pun. (Get it? Cause I was accused of pooping on the floor?)

Well, by the nature of my bad-ass self, I climbed out the window against the terms of my imprisonment. WHAT A RUSH!

But I didn't fall and kill myself like last time.

I landed in the bushes.

A few scrapes and cuts later, I'm meeting this chick and exchanging numbers.

Her name's Kimberly. But she goes by Kim. If I ever call her Kimberly, she'll rip my balls off.

She giggled a whole bunch.

And we danced to 'I'm Yours.'

Then we kissed.

Kim is not a Kiwi. She's Australian. I nearly got beat up when I told her she was a 'damn Kiwi.' Apparently, her dad is starring in some TV show here, so she moved here with her dad and her mum. Oh, and her twin sister.

Hot twin sisters?

GIMME!

Her sister's name is Caitlin. (How ironic.) But it's not spelled with a 'y.'

They look exactly the same.

It's creepers.

**10:00 pm**

Guess what, peeps?

I'm back in the dating game.

WITH HOT AUSSIE TWINS!

Jealous?

**Sunday, January 4**

**10:04 am**

Is there someone out there trying to get me?

Does someone just hate me or something?

Does my life not suck already?

Sorry haven't written in life five days, but I have to tell you what happened.

Well, Mum said we were running low on ice, and so Jason and I stupidly volunteered to go get some more.

It was one in the morning. Which is the time where a bunch of stupid drunk people decide to drive home after partying.

I'll save you a few graphic details, but the main deal is, we got hit. Hard.

I was sitting in the back with the bags of ice and Jason was in the front.

Only too bad for us, we got hit head on by a drunk driver.

I was totally okay (besides the giant gash on my arm which I had to get stitches for, thank you very much) but Jason wasn't really so lucky. (Oh, and by the way, when I was sitting there in the ER, all I heard was all the nurses in there talking about Grey's Anatomy. That's all they seemed to care about. They didn't care that my brother was dying or anything. They just rambled on about if they thought McDreamy or whatever was gonna fuck Meredith (who shares the same last name as me) in the supply closet!)

No, he didn't die or anything, but he might have well.

He broke his nose, three ribs, and both his arms.

Fuck his life.

FHL…?

Oh and you know what makes it even better?

He's been in a coma for the past four days.

And they don't think he's ever gonna wake up.

Yea. FHL. FML, too.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hi my pretty Miley Cyrus lesbian pandas in dresses!

It's Nate. Okay, so I want to bitch about a few things. The power was out all day and so I couldn't update until now. Plus also, Facebook isn't working. FML.

So review and make it better!

Kthxbi

Nate


	27. Dear Buddha

**Chapter 27**

**Monday, January 5**

**At the hospital**

**By Jason's bed**

**Where he's still in a coma**

**10:32 am**

Gene, Mum, Shane, Mitchie, Kelsey, and I are all sitting here in complete silence.

This is too intense for my liking.

**11:19 am**

Oh, look, Sex and the City's on.

Guess who gives a fuck?

NOT ME.

**12:01 pm**

Everyone except me left.

Mum and Gene had some serious tour planning to do, Shane and Mitchie probably had to go have some really kinky sex, and I was the only one who stayed.

I remember someone once telling me that some people think people in comas can still hear.

Wait, I think I heard that on _House_.

But anyway, I sat down right next to Jason and just started talking to him.

I felt really stupid.

Cause he didn't talk back.

Which is depressing in more ways than one.

**Tuesday, January 6**

**7:05 pm**

I'm getting really pissed off.

Nothing is happening. No one is doing anything.

I don't understand…

Mum was like, "Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. He'll wake up. They always do. He will stand up and walk around in no time."

And close to tears, I said, "No, Mum! He won't! That sort of thing only happens on _Grey's Anatomy_!"

**10:37 pm**

Been thinking of baby names.

You know, for the baby.

I don't want to name it something weird or crazy like some of the other celebrities.

Maybe something nice like…

Bernard.

**10:38 pm**

Screw it. With a name like that, he's just asking to get beat up on the playground. Trust me, I would know. Stupid middle name… (Yea, it's Bernard. Go ahead and laugh.)

**10:39 pm**

Armand?

Frederick?

Pierre?

Damn me and my Canadian mind. I can only think of stupid French names.

**10:43 pm**

And what if it's a girl anyway?

**10:50 pm**

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!

Okay, get ready for this.

So if they have a boy, his name will be William Bernard Patrick Shane Walter Nicholas Gray-Torres the fourth.

And I have NO CLUE where the fourth thing came from. But it sounded cool.

**10:52 pm**

You know what would really suck? If they had a girl.

Cause I have this awesome boy name.

**10:56 pm**

You know what? If they have a girl, I'll pull a Michael Jackson.

Not with the whole raping little boys thing, but I'll name the kid Blanket.

**10:57 pm**

Ew, Michael Jackson's a creeper.

**11:02 pm**

Did you know that every night I check under my bed before I go to sleep to make sure that he isn't under there, ready to rape me?

Trufax.

**11:15 pm**

I kinda want to learn how to play the bagpipes.

**11:16 pm**

Shit, I really should pracitse my trombone, eh? I'm gonna stink up the band hall when school starts again in a few weeks.

**11:20 pm**

I really want a McFlurry right now.

**Wednesday, January 7**

**5:17 pm**

Hi, my name is Nate. (_Hi, Nate.)_ And I eat my feelings.

Seriously.

I've eaten a whole pack of Rice Crispy treats, five bars of chocolate, an M&M McFlurry, a whole entire pizza… I went to McDonalds three times today.

I'm gonna be as fat as Octomum soon.

Gross.

I just hope I don't shove fourteen food babies out my vag.

**5:19 pm**

Just realised I am in the clear.

I could never have fourteen food babies because I don't have a vagina.

**5:51 pm**

I can't even imagine, like, how much that would hurt. To shove a baby out of your vag. Let alone fourteen babies.

**5:52 pm**

That is just so gross. Pregnancy is so gross.

**5:53 pm**

HAHAHA. MITCHIE!

**5:55 pm**

I shouldn't be laughing. Technically, that's my nephew she has cooking in her oven.

**6:00 pm**

Oh fuck, I'm gonna be an uncle!

**11:07 pm**

PRAISE THE LORD JESUS!!

If I could, I'd kiss Jesus right now. But he's dead.

Jason woke up!

So I was sitting there, reading _People magazine_ _Kiwi edition_ (which has nothing to do with any celebrities I've ever heard of) and I read the most ridiculous thing in there about Octomum.

Well, I got into one of my rants.

And no one was around to vent to and my pencil broke (so I couldn't write in you), so I just started rambling on to Jason about how much I hate her guts.

And out of the blue, Jason says, "Oh yuck. I hate that Octomum. She's a bitch."

I flipped a shit.

Then a bunch of people came in here and did their doctorly stuff and finally Jason was back!

He was like a zombie, rising from the dead or something; it was AH TO THE MAZING!

I called Mum and everyone and they all came and visited him and everything. Now we're back at home because 'visiting hours are over.'

I don't really care. I'm just so glad that he's no longer a drooling vegetable!

(Who knew Octomum would actually save my brother's life?)

**11:13 pm**

I just cried.

I'm such a chick.

I think all the estrogen Mitchie has stored up in her body is getting to me.

**11:15 pm**

THIS IS WHY WE SHOULDN'T LET PREGNANT CHICKS STAY IN OUR HOUSE!

**Thursday, January 8**

**9:15 am**

Oh my Jesus Christ wagons.

They lost the evidence!

Like what the hell?!

The freakin police LOST the evidence showing that the dude that hit Jason was drunk.

HOW THE HELL DID THEY LOSE THE EVIDENCE?!

**9:23 am**

That's it. We are getting Mum's ten-thousand dollars a week lawyers and suing some ass up in here.

**Friday, January 9**

**8:07 pm**

We won! HAHA!!

Douche nozzles! In their faces!

We sued the state and their stupid police.

And we won!

Too bad we didn't win against the drunken asshole that hit us, but Jason got him back. Good.

Jason was pretty pissed the guy wasn't going to jail or getting punished, so he used the money we won and bought the dude a life-time subscription to MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving.)

Now he will get a weekly newsletter through mail and email for the rest of his life.

Oh, and we sent some to his whole family too.

BITCHES, DON'T MESS WITH ME AND MY FAMILY!!

**Saturday, January 10**

**12:09 pm**

WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?!!?!?!!?!?!?

It seems like everything horrible happens to me.

Is it because I'm Atheist? Is that why? Is 'God' out to get me?

I think (s)he is out to get me.

Why?

Because they found out Jason has a brain tumor.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

**12:16 pm**

Why? Just why? Why does this shit always happen to me?

**12:20 pm**

That's it. I will beg for forgiveness.

_Dear 'God.' I am so sorry for being a bitch and not believing in you all these years. But dude, you screwed me over big time, so you deserve every single mean thing I said about you. And your followers. And I regret none of it. CAUSE YOU'RE A BITCH!_

Okay, well, that wasn't really begging for forgiveness, but it was close enough.

Point is, I prayed.

And I felt really stupid too, talking to an imaginary talking dead guy.

Plus it hurt.

Only because I fell to my knees, but I landed on a plate of jam sandwiches I left on the floor last night.

Excuse me as I wash the jelly off my knees.

**12:34 pm**

I've decided to be a Buddhist monk.

I will get a little statue of Buddha and put it on my side table.

It's gonna be hot.

Maybe I'll even shave my head.

**12:35 pm**

Nah, I like my hair.

**12:39 pm**

_Oh, Buddha, please spare my poor brother!_

**1:01 pm**

Times like this, I really wish I had a friend to go cry to.

**1:02 pm**

Men don't cry.

I'm a man. A manly man. Manly manly man.

**1:04 pm**

Three horns NEVER play with longnecks!

**1:08 pm**

If I had a dime for every time something horrible happened to me, I'd be a billionaire.

**1:09 pm**

Wait. I'm already a billionaire.

**1:10 pm**

Cool. I like money.

**1:15 pm**

Called Kim and Caitlin. I'm going to take them shopping.

Spending money always gets my mind off things.

**1:34 pm**

They brought their own money.

Great.

**2:56 pm**

I bought a car. I don't know why, because I can't drive or anything, but I bought a car.

Anyone want a free car?

It's an Audi.

Convertible.

**3:04 pm**

OH, GODDAMN IT, I BOUGHT A CHICK CAR, DIDN'T I?

FML.

**9:47 pm**

Went to go visit Jason.

I played Battleship with him.

He beat me.

But I've always sucked at that game.

Then Mum and Gene came and the doctors talked to them about 'options.'

OPTIONS?

What the frikkin' anus face?

Well, here are our 'options.'

The first choice is that they don't take the tumor out and he dies in three years. Great.

The second one is that they take out the tumor, he lives twenty more years, but then he has a good chance of losing all of his memory.

FUCK!!!

**9:50 pm**

Oh, yea, and they need to know by tomorrow morning.

**9:51 pm**

I don't know what's better in this situation. I mean is three good years better than twenty shitty ones?

**9:52 pm**

I gotta sleep on this one.

**10:30 pm**

_Oh, Buddha, why can't there be a third option?!_

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Love me, hate me, say what you want about me, but all the boys and all the girls are begging to read _Dear Diary_

Woo hoo! Extra reviews for the Britney reference!

Love,

Nate


	28. BAKINGGGG A CAKE!

**Chapter 28**

**Sunday, January 11**

**10:44 am**

Jason has to make his decision today.

As in … in the next twelve hours.

**10:45 am**

I've been thinking about this for a long time, actually.

I got NO sleep last night. It sucks because I'm exhausted.

**10:49 am**

I really wish I had Fairy Godparents and just wish away Jason's stupid little killer brain tumor.

**1:23 pm**

Jason wanted me and Shane to help him decide.

I didn't want to tell him.

It sounds selfish that I want him for twenty shitty years, doesn't it?

But anyway, we were all sitting around and we decided to play Pictionary.

Well, I was on Shane's team and Shane was sticking some Gatorade label in his mouth and it was really loud and annoying, so I pulled on it, and he had like a spasm. Apparently, it was really far in his mouth, like down his throat (I don't question his motives) and so he started like gagging and stuff.

It was so gross.

I thought he was gonna hurl on me.

Anyway, you should have seen what Shane drew for 'war paint.' He drew like this person that looked like an Indian and just started like colouring him in. So I was like, "A black Indian?! What!?"

And he said, "NO! War paint!"

"That is NOT war paint!"

Well, the picture is now hanging above Jason's bed.

It's kinda funny.

This is gonna sound really cheesy, but it reminds me of all the good times me and Shane can have sometimes. Cause usually he's beating me up or barfing on my shoes. We get these occasional rare moments where we don't get in a fight.

I'm keeping the picture.

**1:51 pm**

I was just sitting there in silence when Jason, Shane, and I were all thinking.

What to do?

Then Shane stood up and said, "Okay, I'm gonna go rob a convenience store. Be right back."

I said, "Have fun."

**2:03 pm**

Mum and Gene showed up.

They need an answer. Like now.

Jason is beating himself up over this. It's hard. This is tough shit.

**3:19 pm**

It's been like an hour and still no answer from Jason.

He refuses to talk to us.

He is just sitting there with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head tucked under his arms.

I feel so bad for the kid.

**3:20 pm**

Ugh, Octomum.

**3:27 pm**

Shane just ran in here with some pantyhose on his head.

He then took a couple candy bars, a pack of condoms, some Lays, and a gun out from under his jacket. Then he said, "Oh, that was such a rush!"

I said, "Shane, you do realise that you don't need to steal, right? We have enough money."

"Yea, but it's the thrill that gets me."

I looked at what he got. "Why'd you get condoms? Isn't your girlfriend already preggo?"

He laughed, patted me on the back, and said, "Deary, I have more than one girlfriend. Puh-lease."

**3:29 pm**

WHO THE HELL DID HE MEET THAT WILL ALREADY HAVE SEX WITH HIM?

We've been here for like two weeks!

**3:30 pm**

And why the hell can't I get laid?

**3:58 pm**

Jason has made up his mind.

He totally made his decision all dramatic.

(He's such a drama queen.)

He like lifted up his head and we all looked over at him. Then he said all mysteriously, "I've made a choice."

Then paused.

And we all just stared at him.

There was like a one minute pause. As if he was hesitating or something.

"I'll have the surgery."

I don't know if I should be relieved or upset.

If he has the surgery, he'll live twenty more years. But they said he could lose his memory.

I'm pretty scared right now. Cause they're saying they're gonna do the surgery tonight.

**4:00 pm**

What if he dies anyway? Like what if they cut him open and then he dies. Right there. That would really suck.

**4:01 pm**

I really shouldn't think of such horrible scenarios.

**5:26 pm**

Jason's in there getting his brain all chopped up.

I'm sitting in his room.

Writing in you.

He told me that he'd always love me, no matter what happens.

Well, if he loses his memory, I'll be a stranger to him.

**5:30 pm**

Well, at least I don't have fourteen kids.

**8:11 pm**

I WROTE A NEW SONG!!

Okay, so it's the best thing ever.

It's about the Octopussy bitch.

It goes to the tune of 'Baby One More Time' by Britney Spears. If I were you, I'd pull up iTunes and play the song and read along.

Okay, here I go.

_Oh babies, babies_

_Oh babies, babies_

_Oh babies, babies_

_How was I supposed to know?_

_14 children would make me famous?_

_Oh babies, babies_

_Why do some people call me a hoe?_

_It's not like I had sex to do this!_

_In vitro – that's the way it should be._

'_Cause you see my babies,_

_They really love me – their octomum!_

_My loneliness was killing me (so I),_

_I got a doctor to give sperm to me (sperm to me)._

_Now I've got babies to last a lifetime_

_But I must stay celebrified._

_Gimme more babies, in vitro guy!_

_Oh babies, babies_

_Five minutes a day I hold each of you._

_But then I gotta go shoppin'!_

_Oh babies, babies_

_Even with no job there's so much to do,_

_And those paparazzi's lights are blindin'!_

_Angie Jolie, she is who I should be,_

_So you see, babies, the reports that I stalked her,_

_Those were true!_

_My loneliness was killing me (so I),_

_I got a doctor to give sperm to me (sperm to me)._

_Now I've got babies to last a lifetime_

_But I must stay celebrified._

_Gimme more babies, in vitro guy!_

_Oh babies, babies._

_Oh thank you babies,_

_I get lots of money 'cause of you._

_That I use to get a manicure._

_And thank you babies_

_For food stamp and disability payments too!_

_Taxpayers, I feel sorry for you!_

_In vitro – that's the way it should be._

'_Cause you see my babies,_

_They really love me – their octomom!_

_My loneliness was killing me (so I),_

_I got a doctor to give sperm to me (sperm to me)._

_Now I've got babies to last a lifetime_

_But I must stay celebrified._

_Gimme more babies, in vitro guy!_

_And I must confess, I'm far from penniless_

_So I can get more plastic surgery now!_

'_Cause you know I'm Angelina Jolie._

_And then Angie and I, can have sex all the time._

_Next time she's pregnant, her baby's mine!_

_My loneliness was killing me (so I),_

_I got a doctor to give sperm to me (sperm to me)._

_Now I've got babies to last a lifetime_

_But I must stay celebrified._

_Gimme more babies, in vitro guy!_

You like?

I like.

It makes me happy inside.

I hate that bitch so much, so anything that makes fun of her is amazing.

She is my ultimate favourite person to bitch about.

**9:00 pm**

I just spent the last forty-five minutes memorizing it.

I'll have to sing it to Jason when he's done getting all cut up.

**9:02 pm**

That sounded really gross.

**9:16 pm**

Oh my god, I am so bored.

**9:17 pm**

Ooh, I can watch a movie or something. There's a TV in here!

**9:59 pm**

I am watching High School Musical 2 in French.

Sharpay sounds like a man.

**10:12 pm**

Okay. It's over. What's next? Lion King?

They only have 'G' rated Disney movies here.

IT SUCKS.

**10:30 pm**

JASON'S BACK! JASON'S BACK!

He is not dead, thank you very much.

But he is rather bald.

But it doesn't matter because he is NOT DEAD.

**10:51 pm**

Haha, guess what temperature it is in here?

69.

I legit 'lol'ed.

**11:14 pm**

I am being bored.

I've rummaged through like every drawer in here.

I found some scrubs, gloves, and all this medical junk.

**11:28 pm**

Have you ever had one of those awkward moments where someone is staring at you and everyone's silent? Or like when you scream a cuss word and for some reason everyone stops talking one second before you say it?

Well that kinda just happened to me.

I put on the scrubs and some little hat thing and the gloves and a mask and I went over to Jason, held out my hands in a really creepy I'm-gonna-strangle-you way, and said, "I vant to suck your blood!"

Then a nurse came in the room and just kinda stared at me.

It was one of those awkward moments.

**11:35 pm**

Did you know penguins don't have knees?

Yea, that's why they waddle.

**1:45 am**

So much for 'I'll always love you.'

Jason woke up and he looked around and said, "Whoa, where am I?"

And I said, "You're finally awake!"

He then looked at me and said, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

I've never heard him say the 'f' word at me before.

"I'm Nate."

"I'm sorry, I don't know you."

"But I'm your brother…"

"I have a brother? Wait… who am I anyway?"

"Jason. Jason Gray."

"It doesn't ring a bell…"

I started tearing up and I said, "Jason, I love you."

He looked at me and said, "Wow, you're a strange kid."

And then I got all sniffly like I usually do before I cry. "Jason…"

"Can you just get the hell out of here? My head hurts like a bitch and your goddamn annoying crying isn't helping at all."

So I went home.

I don't know if I'm more upset or pissed.

I'm starting to think those two good years would be better than these twenty shitty ones ahead of us.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Dear bitches,

Review or die.

Love,

Nate


	29. She fell down the stairs,

**Chapter 29**

**Thursday, January 15**

**10:34 am**

Jason's coming home today.

Over the past few days, we've all visited Jason and tried to get him to remember us. I mean, we even brought pictures and videos and everything.

The hardest part was convincing Jason that we were famous.

He was like, "No. No, we're not famous. We don't have a TV show. That's just too odd."

Well, it's true.

I even Tivoed an episode for him.

It was the one where I crash my bike and nearly die.

He laughed.

And said, "Oh my god, you scream like a girl!"

**10:36 am**

Jason's a real asshole.

**10:41 am**

We're having a 'welcome home' party for Jason.

And we got like a banner and balloons and everything.

**10:43 am**

Kim and Caitlin are coming over today.

They yelled at me for not telling them before that all this fuckery had happened.

Well, it's our dirty laundry.

My grandma always said, "Our dirty laundry is our own business!"

But she was legally crazy, so…

**10:45 am**

Mum is not attending the party.

She has to go record her new CD. Because it just HAS to come out before her new tour.

It's a world tour, too.

And they're going to Dallas. I really, really want to go and see that show. There's a chance that all my friends will be there.

**10:49 am**

THE DOOR BELL JUST RANG!

**10:56 am**

We're all in the kitchen, eating some pie.

I have no idea why we have a pie, but it's really good.

Like abnormally good.

**11:12 am**

HE DRUGGED US!

But on accident.

We were finishing up the pie and Shane came in the kitchen, saw us eating it, and screamed, "NOOOO!"

I was like, "What?"

He grabbed the empty pie container. "I cannot believe you ate my drug pie!"

"Drug pie?"

"I PUT CRACK IN IT, YOU IDIOT!"

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT CRACK IN IT?!"

"Cause it's _my_ pie!"

Then he took the empty container, and yelled upstairs, "Mitchie, they ate our drug pie!"

Mitchie then ran downstairs and beat me up. She's pretty strong for a knocked-up slut.

**11:20 am**

Caitlin is like flipping a shit. She's one of those people that's like scared to take Tylenol cause she thinks she'll overdose or something.

Kim's all chill about it. She said, "Oh, whatever. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?"

**11:58 am**

The 'welcome home' party was a bust.

Kelsey brought Jason home and we all said, "WELCOME HOME!!"

And he looked at us and said, "I'm going to bed."

Then he went into his room and locked the door.

**2:04 pm**

Kim, Caitlin, Shane, Mitchie, and I all went to the movies. We saw "Get Smart." (It just came out here, how lame.)

Well, in the middle of it, Shane turned to me and said, "Hey, tell your girlfriend's sister to blow me."

I said, "Ugh! No!"

So he go out of his seat, walked over to her, whispered something and then Caitlin screamed, "EW YOU PERV!" and ran out of the theatre.

Then Shane and Mitchie went to the very back and … You know. Did the McNasty.

So Kim and I left.

It was disgusting.

**3:11 pm**

Mitchie just pushed me into a mud puddle.

She's awfully hormonal.

But I did call her a fat whore.

**3:18 pm**

Shane announced to us that he wanted to open up a strip club downtown. He claims there are none in all of New Zealand.

Mum said, "Sure! How much money do you need?"

And then wrote him a big fat check.

"Just make sure you invite me," she said and winked.

I'm scared.

**4:11 pm**

Oh my god, school starts on Monday!

I'm so pissed because Kim and Caitlin don't go to public school. They're homeschooled.

**Friday, January 16**

**11:11 am**

Jason still hates me.

Oh and guess what now?

He's a homophobe.

He is a mean homophobe who swears. Plus also, he's Catholic.

**11:14 am**

It's ironic because he's gay. And Unitarian. And against swearing.

Well, he used to be Unitarian and against swearing.

I have to go whip some sense into that kid.

You know, usually it's the opposite. Usually it's the crazy homophobe, attempting to turn their child straight, but now I'm trying to turn Jason gay.

Wow, what a turn.

**11:15 am**

But like, not gay for me.

That's incest. Which I really don't mind all that much. As long as it's not me that he has an incesty crush on.

I think he has a boyfriend. Who else was he making out with on New Year's?

**11:43 am**

Jason just like flipped a shit.

He was apparently snooping around in Shane's room and found a Playboy magazine.

He started screaming and so I went into Shane's room where he was. Jason held it out and said, "Nate! There are naked women in this magazine!"

I grabbed it, put it back in Shane's pillowcase (that's where he keeps them) and said, "Yea, it's a Playboy magazine."

"A _WHAT_ MAGAZINE?"

"Playboy. It's porn."

"OH MY GOD! Porn is the Devil's work!"

Then I blew up. I screamed, "JASON! YOU ARE NOT CATHOLIC, OKAY?"

He paused. And got the magazine and flipped through it. "Well aren't naked women supposed to like… do something to you? I don't get it."

I could not believe I had to explain what porn was to my older brother… I had to like give him the awkward sex talk.

Then he said, "Oh. Then… why am I not… excited over this?"

I said, "BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY!"

He then started crying and said, "Oh no! I'm going to Hell, aren't I? I'm a sinner! Shane's a sinner for having porn! I HAVE TO GO TO CONFESSION!" Then he ran off to the nearest church.

**12:29 pm**

Jason came back and said, "I sure hope Jesus can forgive my sins. I will pray for you, Nate."

I just rolled my eyes and walked away.

He came after me and said, "Nate, I'm really worried about you!"

I said, "Why?"

"Because I really don't want you to go to Hell."

"I'm not gonna go to Hell."

"If you do not accept Jesus as your lord and savior, you will."

I said, "Look, Jason. I don't know if they cut out the part of your brain that kept your common sense, but 'hell' doesn't exist, okay?"

He gasped. And said, "DEVIL CHILD! DEVIL CHILD!"

Then he locked me in my room, put a bible in my hands, and a cross necklace around my neck. Then he walked away, ranting, "Jesus, please forgive his sins. He doesn't mean anything he says…"

**12:33 pm**

Mum got pissed.

I called her cell phone and told her what had happened.

She got me out of the room and yelled at Jason.

**12:35 pm**

I'm gonna sound like a huge bitch, but I really want him to live for only two years with his memory back.

It'd be better than these twenty years of Jason calling me a sinner.

**2:52 pm**

I was in my room watching _The Golden Compass_ and Jason came in. He said, "What are you watching?"

I said, "Golden Compass."

He gasped and said, "NO!" Then he took the DVD out, snapped it in half, and yelled at me. "You are never to watch this movie ever again, you got that?!"

"Why the hell not!?"

"Because it's an… _Atheist_ movie."

"What does that even mean?"

"I heard that everyone is boycotting this movie because… she kills God at the end."

"So?"

"So? SO?! You really are the Devil's child aren't you?!"

Then he slapped me across the face.

And recited something from the bible.

**2:57 pm**

I HATE the new Jason.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Review cause my life sucks and your little notes make me happy!

Kthxbi

Nate


	30. Snakes eat baby bears,

**Chapter 30**

**Sunday, January 18**

**1:09 pm**

Jason took me to a Catholic church.

It was quite possibly the most boring, brainwashing experience ever.

All we did in my Sunday school class was talk about how bad abortion was.

I said, "Well, I'm pro-choice."

Everyone gasped and stared at me.

I don't think I've ever felt so awkward in my life.

Oh and this is the best part. They want me to go to Jesus Camp. This weekend.

**2:00 pm**

Oh, wait, it just keeps getting better.

Jason wants me to go to a Catholic private school.

You know, with the bible babblers, the nuns, and the little-boy raping priests.

**2:01 pm**

I wouldn't be surprised if Michael Jackson was a priest.

**Monday, January 19**

**7:30 am**

Ugh, it is WAY too early to be awake!

I have to leave for school at eight!

**7:42 am**

What should I wear?

I have to make a good impression on people if I want to have friends.

**8:16 am**

This school is so small compared to my old one. It's so ghetto looking, too.

Plus there's a farm right by it. And there are cows.

EWWW.

**8:34 am**

Okay, I'm lost.

Where the fuckadoodle is room, 194?

Like what hall is that in?

**8:46 am**

Okay, so I was kinda fifteen minutes to class, but since it's my first day here, they're giving me some slack.

My teacher seems sort of nice, I guess.

I think this is called 'homeroom.'

Like what the hell is that?

I've never had a 'homeroom' before.

**11:10 am**

So, my first actual class is biology.

I was like, "Ugh I have to take this stupid course again!"

But then I nearly cried when I walked in the room, and who was to be standing behind the teacher's desk, but Ms. Tranny herself.

I froze right when I saw her.

And I said, "MISS TRANNY!?"

Then she looked over at me and said, "AHH! NOT YOU AGAIN! I mean, oh, hi Nate!"

I dropped all my binders on the floor.

It was quite possibly the scariest thing I've ever witnessed in my life.

I got all my books back together and said, "Oh my god, why are you here!?"

"My fiancée and I just moved here!"

Then I collapsed on the floor.

And I must have fainted because the next thing I know, I'm waking up in the infirmary with an icepack on my head.

**11:14 am**

That's it, I'm going to that crazy Catholic school.

Even if it means I have to get raped by a priest.

**4:21 pm**

The rest of the day was so crazy.

This school is SO ghetto.

I'm thinking of like donating a billion dollars, cause they have chalkboards. CHALKBOARDS!

Plus also, they don't even have a real cafeteria. We have to like go outside and eat. At a park. On picnic benches.

Right after fifth period, I went outside with the rest of everyone and I went over to a table of some people that looked nice. I said, "Hi, I'm Nate Gray. Hold the applause."

They all just looked at me and said, "Who the fuck are you?"

"Nate Gray…?"

"Huh?" one of them said. "Wait, are you from around here? Does your daddy work at the Happy Acres farm?"

I said, "No… My dad most certainly does NOT work at a farm."

"Does he work at the power plant?"

"The WHAT?"

Then he looked at me and said, "Oh, I see. You's is one of them fancy city folks."

"I guess…"

"Well, my name's Chuck, why don't you take a load off?"

So I sat down. "Hi… Chuck…" What the hell kind of a name is that?

"So you ain't from here, aren't you?"

"No, I'm from Texas."

And every one of Chuck's friends gasped.

"FROM AMERICA?!" one of them said.

I was like, "Umm… yeah."

"Why'd you come here?" some chick, her name's Allison, asked.

I didn't know what to tell them. So I said, "We had to escape."

"Was you's an illegal?" Allison asked.

"No."

"Then why'd you have to escape?"

"You know, the paps were always chasing us."

"THE WHO'S?!"

"Paparazzi?"

"Like those celebrity stalkers?"

"Yea. Exactly."

"Why the hell were they chasing _you_?"

I stuttered and then said, "Cause I know Britney Spears."

They just stared at me.

And Chuck said, "Who?"

"Britney Spears…? You know, 'Gimme More.' …? 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'? 'Toxic'?"

"I've never heard of any of that in my life."

"You fail at life, Chuck."

Then I met a couple of his friends. And they all seemed like the stereotypical hicks you see in those movies.

Then in all my classes, I felt like a total Martian. Everyone seemed to know each other and they all looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone was wearing old boots and jeans and stuff. It was so gross. I was the only one with designer… anything.

Plus someone was wearing overalls.

And I think it might have been Chuck.

**5:36 pm**

Chuck invited me over to his house. I had nothing better to do, so I went.

He took out his cell phone to call his mum and it looked like one of the first models of phones.

I looked at it, laughed, and said, "What is that dinosaur you're holding?"

He smiled and said, "I got this baby for my birthday. I have the best cellular telephone in the whole school."

I said, "The best? Doesn't anyone have an iPhone?"

"A WHAT phone?"

"You know… iPhone." Then I took out my iPhone and handed it to him.

He looked at it and said, "Where's the buttons?"

"Oh, it's touch screen."

"Huh?"

"You touch it and it works."

"NO WAY."

"Yes way."

"OH MY GOD!"

Then I showed him how to use it.

"What's a 'safari'?"

"That's the internet."

"YOU CAN GET TO THE INTERWEBS ON THIS!?"

"Yea…" I went on my Facebook page and showed him. "See, you just touch it to scroll down."

Then he like had a heart attack. "I cannot believe you can actually do this on your cellular telephone!"

"Are you from the eighteen hundreds or something?"

"No."

"How the hell do you not have this then?" Then I looked at his mess of a one-story house and said, "Oh."

Then Chuck brought me inside his house.

It was so ghetto. I don't think they have air conditioning.

We sat in his so-called "room" and talked.

I remember him saying something about the nighbourhood I live in and how only the "fancy rich peoples" live there. But the "normal" people don't 'associate themselves with the fancy rich peoples.'

I then decided not to tell him I lived there.

I wasn't about to pass up friends at this point. Even if my only friend is a hick from downtown nowhere.

**6:02 pm**

Chuck's mum invited me over for dinner.

I didn't want to be an asshole so I said okay.

I'm just scared we're gonna eat road kill for dinner.

**6:03 pm**

Okay, now you think I'm a snobby brat.

No, I'm not, but if you were here in this shithole, you'd be thinking the same thing.

**6:47 pm**

Well, it wasn't road kill.

It was over-cooked spaghetti.

**7:08 pm**

Going all the way back to my safe haven that is my neighbourhood was one of the most relieving things. Ever. Did you know my house is thirty minutes away from the school and … from everyone else?

I guess all the fancy rich people don't like other people.

**7:10 pm**

Mum surprised me with a brand-new car! All for me!

I started flipping out. It's a blue Mustang convertible!

But I was like, "I can't drive. I don't have a license."

Then she handed me a license with my name and everything on it.

"HOW DID YOU GET THIS!?"

"Oh, I had Shane make one for you. He's great at making them!"

So what if it's an illegal license? I can drive now!

**7:13 pm**

Too bad I don't really know how to drive.

But how hard can it be, anyway?

**Tuesday, January 20**

**9:16 am**

I can't believe I get to say this again.

I am sitting in Tranny's class.

Being bored.

When I walked in again, I looked at Ms. Tran and she said, "You're not gonna faint again, are you?"

I shook my head. "No. I've gotten over to the shock of it all. … Sorta."

"Good. Then, go sit down a desk."

The only desk available was the one right next to hers, so I had to sit in it. I was supposed to be working on some stupid worksheet, but I talked to Ms. Tranny instead. "Why are you here?" I asked.

She said, "Cause I felt like moving."

"Hahah, no really. Why?"

"My fiancée likes it here."

"Could be… but what's the real reason?"

She sighed and said, "Okay, fine. I got fired."

I just stared at her. "Why?"

"Because of YOU."

"Me? What did I do?"

"WHAT DIDN'T YOU DO, NATE?" she yelled.

Everyone then stopped what they were doing and looked over at us.

I said, "Oh, hush, hush, Ms. Tranny. Let's not bother the students. Inside voices, please."

She rolled her eyes.

"So what exactly did I do?"

"Well, first of all, you were banned from school grounds, but you came anyway. And stayed in my room."

"Actually, I was forced to go back against my will by you."

"Okay… well… Remember what you wrote on my board?"

That's when I laughed so hard I fell out of my seat.

She picked me back up and said, "Oh and that stunt you pulled at the museum was strike three."

I laughed even harder. I laughed so hard I choked on air.

**9:23 am**

We had to get partners to do this one thing, and so I was paired up with this chick named Tess.

She's a huge bitch.

I like her.

She muttered, "Fancy having a laugh with a teacher…"

I said, "She's hilarious. You wouldn't believe this. I got her fired from her last job."

"What?! No way! How the hell did you do that? I hate her so much!"

"I had her as a teacher in my last school."

"But isn't she from Texas?"

"Yea. Me too."

"Oh, wow, what a small world."

Then I told her everything I did to her.

And about the whole me staying for like two weeks with her.

She nearly died laughing.

We got NOTHING done.

**5:33 pm**

I took my car and drove past Chuck's house. He was outside like feeding his kangaroos or something. I honked and when he looked over at me, I said, "Get in loser; we're going shopping."

Well, I took him to the mall by my house.

When we were driving there, he said, "Why are we going to the rich part of town?"

I said, "Where else would we get Prada belts?"

He said, "What's a Prada?"

"You fail at life, Chuck."

Anyway, I took him to Neiman's Marcus.

Right when we got there, he said, "My mum says I'm not allowed to ever go to this store."

I said, "Why not?"

"Cause my pappy found a hot rich guy here and ran off with him. Turns out he was gay. Mum says he's a sinner."

Great, another Christian.

Anyway, I bought him a bunch of clothes that don't look like he got them from Goodwill and before I paid, he said, "How are we gonna get all this stuff? Are we gonna steal?"

I said, "No. I have a credit card."

"WAIT WHAT?!"

"Yes, a credit card."

Then he like flipped a shit.

**Wednesday, January 21**

**3:43 pm**

Ms. Tranny said the most hilarious thing today. She said, "Don't make me get anal on you!"

I don't think she realises what she says before she says things.

Anyway, I laughed so hard I fell out of my seat, hit my head on the table, and passed out.

My new nickname is 'Danger.'

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hello my Jonas Brother Loving Condom Raping Slutty Pandas In Dresses,

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. Hope you love my fucked up life. Add me on Facebook.

Kthxbi

Nate


	31. The sharks are coming now

**Chapter 31**

**Thursday, January 22**

**6:34 am**

Woke up and had to pee real bad.

Went into my bathroom, only to see Shane in there smoking weed.

Now my bathroom smells like pot.

**7:06 am**

I can't go back to sleep. Ugh.

**7:22 am**

I went and bitched to Mum.

This isn't the first time Shane has pulled this shit.

When Shane came in the room, she said to him, "You're behaving like a blue assed fly!"

I don't even know what that means.

**7:25 am**

You know, I had the weirdest dream last night.

I had this dream that I stole three Taiwanese triplets to hold for ransom, and then we went to this celebrity party in Hollywood, only I left the triplets there and they were stolen! (Angelina Jolie must have taken them.)

It was crazy.

**8:09 am**

Mum wants me to take Shane to his friend's house.

I said, "He can drive himself."

She said, "No, he's been taking LSD. You HAVE to drive him. Just drop him off on the way to school."

"Why don't you or Kelsey take him?"

"I'm too important."

Then she walked away.

**9:21 am**

Drove Shane over to his friend's house.

We were driving along just fine and then Shane started screaming. "STOP THE CAR!"

I slammed on the brakes because I thought I might have hit a small child or something. I turned to him and frantically said, "WHAT?"

"Oh my god, I thought I just saw a fuckin octopus!"

An octopus. Really? What the hell is he smoking?

**9:22 am**

Wait, I think I already know what he's smoking.

**9:25 am**

Five minutes left in homeroom.

AKA the worst waste of time class ever.

It's all just to do homework you never bothered to do the night before. And I don't ever have homework because that's how cool I am.

**9:36 am**

Right as I walked into Ms. Tranny's class, she said, "Honestly, you should wear a helmet, Danger."

I told her, "Oh yea. Gene told me to tell you he's in love with you and wants to have sex with you."

She fainted.

Maybe SHE should get a helmet.

**9:39 am**

The sub we have right now is a real fiery cunt.

Right when she came, I was talking to Tess and said, "Yea, Ms. Transexual is like in love with Gene Simmons. She's so fucking stupid. He's a real asshole. I would know."

She made me sit in the "time out corner."

So, here I am, sitting in the "time out corner" that doesn't really even exist.

It's just a corner of the room with a bunch of textbooks.

**9:42 am**

She's a lot meaner than Ms. Tranny.

I wonder when she'll be done with her fainting thing so we can get on with our lives.

And so I can get out of the timeout corner.

**12:12 pm**

**  
**So today in French class, we had to make a poster advertising a fake product. And ours was a razor, AKA _un_ _rasoir_. So, anyway, I was drawing the razor on the poster and this kid named Jack in my group said, "That looks like a penis."

And it did.

So then we had to cover it up somehow. But then we had to present it before I could fix. So I stood up infront of the whole class and said in French, "Sorry, but that right there is a razor. Not a penis. That is all."

Well, no one knew what I was saying except for the French teacher, and he just looked at me and said, "Ew. It does look like that."

**12:15 pm**

Sitting in French watching people present their posters.

My tooth is hurting.

Damn dentist. He must have done something to it.

**12:16 pm**

I hope you realise that's their scam. You go in for one thing and then while they're drilling your teeth out for that, they sneakily do something to one of your other teeth so you have to come back and get tortured again.

Plus also so they can get your money.

**1:30 pm**

Fell asleep in French.

Didn't bother to do the practise test our teacher gave us.

He came over to my desk and slammed a book down on my desk. "Why aren't you working, child!?" he asked me.

I said, "Cause I'm sleeping. Duh."

"I don't want you talking back to me! Behave and do your work!"

I said in French, "No! I'ma do whatever the fuck I want!"

He said back, "Don't make me send you down to ISS!"

"You know what, I'll go right now! Fuck you! I don't need you! I don't need to learn this shit! I already know all this fuckery!"

Then I stormed out of there.

And he called the school cops on me. And they took me to the ISS room. So here I am!

Fun.

**1:48 pm**

Wow. They're real assholes here.

At my old school, ISS was just another way to skip class and just sleep.

Now they're actually hovering above me, forcing me to work. And to sort through papers and properly recycle them.

**2:01 pm**

They just threatened to call my mum.

**2:02 pm**

HAHAHAHA!

Ooh, so scared.

**2:09 pm**

Kay, so, I was sorting through trash, doing a job a janitor should be doing, and then I said, "Fuck this shit" to the principal and just fell asleep on the floor.

So he picked me up and plopped me down in my chair. And they called my mum.

She won't pick up.

Neither will Gene.

What a surprise.

**2:16 pm**

They got a hold of mum.

Well, through me.

I said to them, "She never answers her phone to anyone but me or her husband or my brothers."

So they had me call her. And I said to her, "Oh, hey Mum. Yea, these crazy people want you to come down here so they can talk to you about my behaviour."

Mum said, "Oh, Jesus Christ, Nate! Now I got to go all the way down there to talk to your teacher? This is fucking shit! I'll be there in 10 minutes." Then she hung up.

**2:53 pm**

Well. She's still not here.

Yet another surprise.

**2:54 pm**

I hope you know I'm being sarcastic.

**2:57 pm**

They think I'm bullshitting them. They think I didn't actually call her.

**3:14 pm**

She showed up.

And it was the most hilarious thing. Ever.

She walked into the room and said, "Okay, what seems to be the problem?"

The headmaster said to my mum, "Your son, Nate, has been behaving very badly at school."

"Yea?" she asked and threw her huge purse at me. "And what shit did he pull this time?"

The dude kinda flinched. I guess he wasn't used to mums swearing at him. "Well, your son has refused to do his work and has excessively sworn at a few teachers."

Mum pulled down her sunglasses in a very diva way. "So?"

"It's very disrespectful."

Then she put her sunglasses on, flipped her hair, and said, "Well he can say whatever the fuck he wants. I give him permission."

"Swearing on school grounds is against school policies."

Then she said, "Boy, give me my checkbook." I handed it to her. "Okay, how much money you want?"

Mr. Headmaster shook his head. "I don't want your money, I would just like it if your son followed the rules like all the other students at the school."

She then turned to me. "You hear that boy? Behave." Mum then slapped me across the face and said, "Cut the shit, Nate. I don't want to waste precious moments of my life talking to your stupid fucking headmaster. I was busy, goddamn it!" She then kicked me, grabbed her purse, and walked away, yelling, "I don't want to get another call, got that? I don't want my important life wasted on something so fucking _unimportant_!"

Some of the other kids who were in the ISS room were giggling.

Mr. Headmaster was in a state of shock and confusiosity.

A teacher who was sitting next to me said, "Well, your mum seems… pleasant."

I said, "Yup, that's my mum. My superstar, diva mum."

**3:18 pm**

My favourite Mum quote?

"People who say they're divas, you're not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt."

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Helloa, my little undercooked pieces of pizza!

Please review. It just warms my little heart.

Kthxbi

Nate


	32. Take your wallet out,

**Chapter 32**

**Thursday, January 22**

**10:30 pm**

Okay, so I kinda got in a car crash today. But it wasn't like major put-you-in-a-coma type crash, but more of a little, okay-so-maybe-i-just-totalled-your-car-but-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it sort of thing.

Them and their huge, damn, one-mile-to-the-gallon Republican mobile (Yes, it was a Republican mobile because it had a McCain sticker on it – who knew there were Republicans here? Plus also, it was a black hummer) slammed into me.

But only because I didn't turn on my blinker.

So I got out and started screaming at them because they totaled my new car with their goddamn hummer. And then the police showed up.

But too bad so sad for me, they found out my license was a fake and so they drove me back home and treated me like a criminal. Which I guess I kinda deserved, driving with no real license, but whatever.

Anyway, now I don't have a car. Nor can I drive.

FML.

**Friday, January 23**

**9:02 am**

Best. Morning. EVER!

Okay, so, Shane was forced to take me to school this morning, and so he wasn't like fully drunk, but you could tell he was getting a little crazy there.

So he's blaring Pink Floyd in his car and we stop at a red light.

Well he gets out of the car and goes on the median and starts dancing.

And someone starts honking at us.

I look over and see that damn hummer and that stupid guy that was in it there!

I said, "Shane! That's the Republican that nearly killed me yesterday!"

(We totally missed the green light because Shane was dancing, BTW.)

So Shane says, "Oh, that little…" And then the dude starts honking again. Well, Shane goes over to his car, and knocks on his window. The dude opens the window, and Shane yells, "OBAMA WON, MOTHERFUCKKAAHH! Yea, that's right! Suck it! SUCK IT, YOU STUPID REPUBLICAN! Him and that stupid anti-abortion bitch had to go back to Alaska! STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!" and then he mooned them. And jumped back in the car and we drove off real quick like.

**Sunday, January 25**

**6:34 pm**

Guess who's at my house right now?

PENELOPE.

AKA the cousin from hell.

Turns out her mum kicked her out of her house, and sent her here to us.

I said to Mum, "Mum! We can't have her stay at our house! She's evil!"

She said, "Oh, hush. She's family."

"Yea, well if Hitler was family, we still wouldn't have him stay with us."

"Shut the fuck up."

If you don't remember her, she's the one who got period stains in my trousers on Thanksgiving.

**6:36 pm**

She still owes me new trousers.

**Dinner**

Penny is sitting on the other end of the table. I don't want to be near that skank.

She's going to my school, too. In my grade.

**Five minutes later**

I just spit my ice cream out all over the table.

Cause I bit down on it and my tooth felt like it was gonna explode. It really, really hurt.

I legit screamed.

**7:27pm**

They were trying to figure out why I screamed.

Shane: "Was the ice cream too hot, Nate? Snicker, snicker."

Jason: "IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS THE DEVIL IN HIM!"

Mum: "Who cares?"

Mitchie: "You giving birth or something?"

Gene: "-Eats soup-"

**10:11 pm**

Trying to get ready for bed, but I can't because my _favourite_ cousin is using my bathroom. Even though her room has a bathroom to itself. She likes to make my life hell, apparently.

**Monday, January 26**

**8:05 am**

Penny has locked herself in the bathroom.

I cannot get ready.

That little bitch.

**8:43 am**

I finally got my bathroom back after I cussed her out and banged on the door. Got dressed. We're almost at school right now.

**8:45 am**

Oh, hey happy little moo cows by the school.

**9:02 am**

She's using the same schedule as me until the lazy counselors can get off their fat asses and get her a real schedule.

Hooray for homeroom.

Not really.

This is like the time where I do Twitter updates and Facebook status updates.

And when I write in my diary, of course.

Okay, so Penny has been treating me like a little kid. She pats me on the head and says, "Oh Nate!" I don't know why she does it, but she does.

I woke up and my tooth was throbbing. It still is. Damn dentists!

I need some Advil.

**9:21 am**

In Tranny's class.

Penny walked up to Ms. Tranny and said, "Hi! I'm Penny! I've heard SO much about you!"

Ms. Tranny was like, "Ummm okay?"

"Nate's my little baby cousin."

"Okay then. Want to sit next to him?"

"Could I please?"

Then Ms. Tran got another desk and put it right next to me and Tess.

I got a 3 Oh! 3 song stuck in my head. "Richman." I've been singing it for like the past half hour.

**9:54 am**

We just did the most hilarious thing ever!

So we did this lab called the HIV lab, where we had this lame scenario (We were paintballing) and for some reason, we all got cut up and bled into each other wounds. Like WTF?

Anyway, we got this cup of water, and only one person had the HIV and no one knew. And so we had to like share water with five people. Well, it turns out I started out with the HIV and I gave it to Penny. Penny looked at me and said, "OH MY GOD, NATE! YOU GAVE ME AIDS?!?!? Eww, incest!"

It was so funny. I gave everyone AIDS! I'm the class slut!

**4:00 pm**

So if my tooth wasn't already killing me, I have a black eye.

Okay, so let me explain.

I was sitting in French class and me and Penny were just ranting away in French, sitting in the back. So then we were talking about who I had a crush on. And so we were obviously saying the French word for love, _amour_, a lot. Well, Penny had to go to the counselor's office to talk about her schedule, and this stupid nosy kid looked back and said to me, "Are you two dating?"

I said, "Ew! No!"

And he snored and said, "Good. She's gross and ugly and fat. I've never seen someone so _repulsive_ in my life."

I said, "Hey, that very nice."

"Oh, and I know all about your family."

"You do?"

"Your brother Jason is such a fucking faggot. He deserves to rot in hell. All fags like him deserve to be burned at the stake."

That's when I flipped a fucking shit.

So I stood up in the middle of the class and screamed, "HEY DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY LIKE THAT! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!"

And I attacked him. I don't know what happened, but next think you know, I was throwing him down on the floor and punching him left and right. Then his friend came over and tried to get me off him. So he punched me in the face. Which is how I got this black eye.

Then Penny came in the room and everyone was screaming by then. The teacher was yelling at me to get off of him, and Penny was yelling at me to stop, too.

I said, "Penny, he called you fat and ugly and called Jason a fag!"

Then she got pissed and started hitting him too. She said, "NO ONE CALLS MY JASON A FAGGOT, YOU BITCH FUCKER!"

And we were both attacking him and everyone was flipping a shit. I remember throwing a desk at him.

Then these four school police people came in and pulled me off of him, kicking and screaming. I kicked the police guy and said, "Let me go! Let me go! Let me kick that stupid Republican's ass!" (I remembered him from that Republican who crashed into me! He was the kid of that guy!)

Penny and I went to the principal's office.

And we got expelled for a week.

Only cause we knocked out two of the dude's teeth. And broke his nose. And dislocated his shoulder.

**4:25 pm**

Jason was pretty mad at us. He scolded us. We obviously had to tell them we got suspended, and Mum laughed and said, "Way to go!"

Jason said, "You guys! I can't believe you did that!"

I said, "Jason, we were defending you."

"I don't care if you were defending Jesus, that was the wrong thing to do. What would Jesus do?"

"What _wouldn't_ Jesus do?"

Penny said, "What would Jonas do?"

I said, "Jonas would beat the living shit out of the dude like we did!"

Jason just rolled his eyes.

**4:38 pm**

Jason just had the best idea – not – about what to do while we're still suspended.

I said, "Let me sleep over at Kim and Caitlin's?"

He said, "No. I don't want you guys doing sinful things."

"Oh, shut up, we're not gonna fuck each other."

"How about we take a family trip to the Black Mesa!"

"The black what?"

"Black Mesa! It'll be fun!"

I just stared at him.

**4:42 pm**

I went into Jason's room and he was crying.

I went over and said, "Hey, what's wrong?"

"It's just that," he said through his sobbing, "I'm probably not gonna live for more than ten years and I would really like to spend as much time with you guys as I can before it's my time to join Jesus in heaven."

So I eventually gave in.

"Fine, we can go to the stupid mesa thing."

He smiled and said, "Road trip! Road trip!"

**5:10 pm**

Jason announced to us that we were going on a road trip.

Mum: "Sorry, Jason, but I have to work."

Gene: "I'm too… Honestly, I don't want to go."

Shane: "-Was too high to make a real response-"

Mitchie: "Whatevs."

Penny: "Sure Jasey!"

Penny and Jason are like best friends. Even if Jason doesn't remember.

**5:35 pm**

We're leaving tomorrow morning.

Jason's packing the car right now.

He's uber excited.

**5:36 pm**

I'm uber not excited.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Dear pandas,

I was serious about the whole 15 reviews thing. I become a sad panda if I don't get 15 reviews, and I just get so deeply depressed that I just can't go on... and I can't post more of my diary.

So plese, help a fellow panda out.

Review.

Thanks.

Bonjour,

Nate


	33. All the dingos shout,

**Chapter 33**

**Tuesday, January 27**

**9:40 am**

We're sitting in the car right now.

Jason's in the front with Penny.

Shane and Mitchie are in the 3e row. Shane's passed out drunk, and Mitchie's reading pregnancy books.

Miley and I are in the 2e row. I'm writing in you, and Miley is sticking her head out the window.

**11:22 am**

I fell asleep.

I woke up and said, "Are we there yet?"

Jason said, "No."

"How much longer?"

"Only four hundred more miles."

"Oh. My. God."

**11:25 am**

There are tents in the boot. What the fuckery?

**12:43 pm**

I watched "Super Bad."

It was so funny. I was dying of laugher.

**12:44 pm**

Penny just switched the radio station to this ska station.

(If you don't know what ska is, you fail at life.)

I really like ska music.

**1:15 pm**

Mitchie, for the fifth time, just said, "Jason! I have to piss again!"

I said, "What are you? Pregnant or something? Oh… wait."

**1:19 pm**

We stopped at Dairy Queen. I ordered two hotdogs – one for me and one for Miley.

**1:29 pm**

Is it odd that I haven't gotten my hot dog yet?

**1:48 pm**

I had to wait half an hour for a hotdog. I asked them like ten times about it. And it still didn't come. Then Shane had to come and be aggressive towards them.

I got my hot dog.

And it was really good.

**1:51 pm**

OH MY GOD!

Shane just threw up in the car.

Okay, so he was totally drunk and now he's throwing up.

**1:56 pm**

We had to stop on the side of the highway and just let him puke.

I am sitting in the car and Shane is in the grassy field off to the side, barfing his guts out.

This is disgusting.

**1:57 pm**

Mitchie just started laughing and said, "Oh hahah! I just got the most hilarious vision of Nick Jonas getting his head cut off by a chain saw!"

**3:04 pm**

Ugh, my tooth is hurting.

I was trying to sleep in the car, and I kept moaning and Mitchie slapped me and said, "SHUT UP! I'm sick and tired of hearing you bitch and complain!"

I screamed at her, "I'll remember this when you're giving birth!"

Then she hit me on the head with a book and so I strangled her. And Jason pulled over. And broke it up.

Now I'm sitting in the front and Penny's in the back with Miley.

**3:33 pm**

We had to stop and get me some Advil.

I couldn't take it anymore. I was like, "JASON STOP THE CAR!"

So we went to this pharmacy and got me my drugs.

Plus also I got a snickers bar.

**3:37 pm**

"Ugh, Jason, how long are we gonna be at this stupid rock!"

**4:11 pm**

My tooth started hurting so bad I started screaming. Jason stopped the car and I jumped out and just screamed.

Then I threw up. It was gross.

**4:15 pm**

Trying to sleep but failing epically.

**5:06 pm**

Oh my god, we're finally there.

**5:07 pm**

THIS is the black mesa?

IT'S NOT EVEN BLACK!

I cannot believe we just drove all this way to go see some STUPID FUCKING black mesa rock that isn't even black!

Sorry I'm pissed.

All I want to do is go home, lay down in my bed, take some Vicodin, and fall asleep.

THIS is NOT what I want to be doing!

This is so fucking stupid!

**5:09 pm**

I just saw the most ghetto thing ever. I saw a mailbox sitting on top of a trash can. Like that was their mailbox.

**5:11 pm**

Jason just told us that we're spending the night here.

In a tent.

A FUCKING TENT!

I'm pissed. I'm beyond pissed. I want some puppies to kill.

**5:12 pm**

Miley! Come here, Miley!

**5:13 pm**

I'm just kidding. That's such a Sarah Palin thing to do!

**5:15 pm**

Actually, she's more into killing endangered species.

**11:33 pm**

I can't sleep. In this tent.

Yes, we're sleeping in a tent. How lame is that?

Mostly because Mitchie and her stupid preggo belly is hogging most of the room. And I don't want to sleep near Shane. Because he smells like rotten eggs.

**11:46 pm**

OH MY GOD MILEY PISSED IN THE TENT!

All over Mitchie, too, haha.

**11:47 pm**

EVACUATE, EVACUATE!

**11:58 pm**

I'm sleeping in the car. Miley is tied up outside to a post.

**12:05 am**

Oh my god, what the fuck?

I looked out the window and saw Shane beating Miley with a wooden stick!

**12:06 am**

Well, I'm too lazy to go do anything about it, so…

**12:09 am**

HOLY FUCKSICLES!

I just looked over and saw this giant ass bug in the car!

I started screaming and ran out.

**12:12 am**

I just found a bag of Pringles on the floor.

Yum.

I'ma eat em.

**12:14 am**

EW THESE PRINGLES ARE STALE!

Oh my god, there's a big bug in the can!

**12:15 am**

I hear something that sounds similar to a hyena.

**12:19 am**

It was just Miley being beat with a stick.

Shane keeps saying, "Bad dog! No taking dookeys on my girlfriend!"

**12:21 am**

OW I JUST HIT MY FUNNY BONE ON THE CAR DOOR!

**12:28 am**

It's getting a little hot in this car. Thinking of removing all my clothes. Want to join me?

**1:30 am**

I can't sleep.

**1:31 am**

I looked outside and saw someone standing there. I legit screamed out loud. It was just Jason. Turns out Miley took a shit in his sleeping bag. And he wants to sleep in the car with me.

**1:32 am**

MILEY JUST CANNOT CONTROL HER BLADDER.

**1:40 am**

Shane is now staying in the car with us.

This is like survivor. The only people left out in the tent are…

Mitchie.

**1:46 am**

Shane is now having phone sex. Who the hell is he having phone sex with? HIS GIRLFRIEND IS ASLEEP IN A TENT!

This is so fucking gross. I can't stand it. There re all these weird noises coming from that general area where he is.

**1:47 am**

Hey what do you get when you have phone sex?

HEARING AIDS!

AH HAHAHHAHHA!

**2:00 am**

Shane is still having phone sex. It's gotten kinda old.

Miley was masturbating to it or something. It was so gross. She was humping Shane's pillow.

I then proceeded to throw Miley out the window.

**2:01 am**

That's just so gross, I'm sorry.

**2:08 am**

I took Shane's phone to see who he's having phone sex with.

It said, "Mum."

FML.

**2:10 am**

That is disgusting. That is so fucking gross.

**2:13 am**

Shane decided to go to sleep now. He took off his pants. And he's wearing cheetah print boxers.

**2:28 am**

Wow. What an eventful night.

I'm going to sleep.

**2:40 am**

OH MY GOD!

I was finally going to sleep, when I hear this huge crash. And then a scream. And then the car door opens and Mitchie jumps into the car and screams, "DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!"

And we all in the car jumped awake and we were screaming.

"What's wrong?!" I asked.

She started pointing out the window. "THERE'S A FUCKING KANGAROO TRYING TO EAT MY BRAINS OUT! DRIVE GODDAMN IT, DRIVE!"

Jason turned on the car and we just zoomed away.

But then I said, "MILEY!"

We forgot the dog!

So we had to go back and I jumped out of the car to save Miley. It was all so dramatic. But we got her.

And then she peed all over my lap. And took a huge shit on me.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hey pandas!

Fifteen reviews = love and a new chapter!

Oh, and if you haven't already added me on facebook, do so soon because we're having a blast there! :D

Love you guys,

Natey


	34. We'll eat your baby mate!

**Chapter 34**

**Friday, February 3**

**7:54 pm**

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Guess where I am right now?

JESUS CAMP.

AKA HELL.

I just got here this afternoon. It is very suckish here.

I shot Jesus.

Hahaha.

**7:56 pm**

We're about to go pray right now.

Oh, Buddha, please rescue me from these crazy Jesus freaks! No likey it here!

I officially hate Jason. He's the one who shoved me on a crowded, loud, public bus and took me to Jesus camp in the middle of nowhere Kiwi-a-gogo-land.

They sang Jesus songs on the bus.

"If you love Jesus and you know it, clap your hands!" (I didn't clap my hands.)

Yea. Sick. Disgusting. I want to puke.

**8:45 pm**

We just prayed for like an hour. I fell asleep and then the counselor who's in charge of our cabin kicked me and I fell off the pew and had to stand up for the rest of the time.

Only cause I snored in their sacred little not-church outdoors church.

Goodness, shoot me! I just snored in God's presence!

LIKE HE GIVES A FUCK!

Shouldn't he be in like Africa, helping starving children? Or is God too important to help those black kids over there in that far away place?

**9:01 pm**

They forced me to pray before I ate dinner. It was so strange. I was the only one not joined in on the group prayer, and I was just sitting in my chair, my arms folded across my chest.

Well our counselor, Mikey, looked at me and said, "Hey, kid, you better stand up right now."

I then cussed him out in French.

He lifted me in the air above his head and said, "Pray to God! Let him hear your voice!"

I just screamed and swore a lot.

Then he set me down in my chair, slapped me and said, "Get it together."

And he didn't give me any food.

Plus also, he made me clean the whole table.

Christians are mean!

**9:06 pm**

I am fucking starving!

**9:08 pm**

Wrote a letter home to Jason.

Mikey took it from me before I could finish and tried to read it.

It was in French.

He said, "If I can't read it, you can't send it. Write it in English."

Then he ripped it up and threw it away.

He is such an asshole.

**10:35 pm**

There is no phone service here.

I tried to call Shane (because he would so come and get me) only my phone didn't work. And I couldn't connect to the internet.

And then Mikey took my phone away and said, "You'll get this back next week."

**10:39 pm**

OH MY GOD, SOMEONE THREW A STAPLER AT ME!

No, really. Trufax.

I was just sitting there, minding my own business, when some asshole named Chris threw a stapler at me. He said 'whoops, sorry didn't mean to throw it at you!' but you know he so did.

**Hell: Day 1**

**Saturday, February 4**

**7:12 am**

It is waaayyy to early to be up.

**7:34 am**

Mikey gave me a t-shirt that had a cross on it and it said, "I [heart] Jesus." And it had a bible thing on the back of it.

Apparently everyone has to wear it.

I threw it under my bunk.

Mikey got it and said, "Wear it, scrub cake."

I said, "But I don't heart Jesus."

"You're wearing it. Everyone has to wear it."

"Yea?"

"Yea."

"THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF JESUS!" And then I grabbed it and tried to rip it in half. But I couldn't cause I have the upper arm strength of a kitten. So I just put it on before Mikey ate me.

**8:18 am**

Sitting at the breakfast table.

You will never believe what Mikey just said.

He said, "Okay, so today we're gonna go zip lining for Jesus!"

Everyone cheered except for me – I groaned and slammed my head down on the table.

Mikey looked at me and said, "What's wrong scrub cake?"

I said, "I ain't zip lining for Jesus."

"Yes. You are." He patted me on the head and laughed. "You're so silly, Scrub Cake!"

I think that's my new nickname.

**1:23 pm**

I just zip lined.

But not for Jesus; I ain't doin' shit for him.

**3:45 pm**

We're hiking right now… I stopped for a rest.

**3:48 pm**

Contemplating killing myself.

**3:50 pm**

No, I mustn't kill myself just yet. I still have yet to see the Pussy Cat Dolls. Just once. I have to see them before I die. It's my goal in life.

**7:08 pm**

I pretended to die today to get away from hiking and Mikey.

Mikey is that sort of person that makes me miss Miley Cyrus.

She was less of a PMS-y bitch.

But anyway, I played the cripple card. I fell down because I tripped. "Tripped." And I didn't get up. And I pretend twisted my ankle. So they carried me back to the cabin. And wrapped up my ankle all nicely. What they don't know, is that it's fine.

Snicker snicker, I'm so evil.

**7:27 pm**

Muhaha.

**Hell: Day 2**

**Sunday, February 5**

**9:05 am**

Today we got to sleep in because it's Sunday, the day of rest, or some bullshit like that.

I'm not about to understand this crazy Christian stuff.

**9:36 am**

Sitting in "church."

It's so stupid.

We've had to like stand up and sing like fifty times.

I was that one kid who didn't stand up and let the lord hear my voice.

**10:12 pm**

Today was stupid.

Sorry, I can't give like constant updates cause we're doing all this shit in the lake and I don't want to get you fucked up and wet.

So anyway, we just went waterskiing for Jesus and playing basketball for Jesus and all this other fuckery for Jesus.

It was lame.

But I did manage to stick ten ice cubes down Mikey's pants with the help of some gothic chick.

**Hell: Day 3**

**Monday, February 6**

**5:06 pm**

Holy fucking shit, they're crazy!

We had an hour long discussion on how bad gay people were.

I started getting really uncomfortable and stuff and then I just got really really angry when they kept saying all this shit about how all gays were going to Hell and how we need to 'put them on the right path.'

I couldn't stand it anymore and so I blurted out, "I'M GAY!" And I was totally kidding (I think.) but they flipped a fucking shit.

They all just gasped and looked at me. And called me a sinner.

And someone threw a rock at me.

They like stoned me or something!

But anyway, they're sending me to therapy.

THERAPY FOR WHAT?! BEING GAY?!

I don't understand!

**Hell: Day 4**

**Tuesday, February 7**

**8:45 am**

Today I go for my first session of extreme Christian 'therapy.'

What if they rape me?

**9:07 am**

Mikey walked me down to the infirmary and then some dude introduced himself as Dr. Knowles.

First thing I said to him: "I bet you're not a real doctor."

**9:12 am**

Maybe he's Ms. Tranny incognito!

**9:40 am**

Oh man, spending a half an hour with the fake doctor really makes me think.

I really want some weed right now.

**9:54 am**

Ear wax tastes bad. Don't eat it.

**9:59 am**

Holy shit there's a fly in here!

**10:00 am**

I'm gonna name him Bob.

**10:08 am**

I'm laughing hysterically.

Dr. Not Real Dr is making me do all these ridiculous things.

He got this whiteboard out and made me write down on it ten times, "I love Jesus."

I wrote, "I hate Jesus."

Ten times.

**10:53 am**

BWAHAHAHA!

Kay, so, he got out all these pictures of these black blobs, sort of like you see in those movies where someone's at therapy and stuff.

So I really wanted to mess with this dude, right?

Well he held out one and said, "What do you see? Say the first thing that comes to mind."

Me: "Penis."

Him: "-Gets really uncomfortable and holds out another.-"

Me: "Oh, dude, that one is definitely a penis."

Him: "-Gets another card.-"

Me: "Hmm…. That one… Me giving a really kinky blow job to this really hot bloke named Samuel at church. And he loves it. He just came all over my mouth. Yummy."

Him: "Okay, that's enough of these."

**11:03 am**

She fell down the stairs, snakes eat baby bears, the sharks are coming now. Take your wallet out, all the dingoes shout, 'We'll eat your baby, mate!'

**9:02 pm**

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

He took you away from me!

I was just sitting there, writing and minding my own business, when he snatches you up and reads you!

And I just now got you back!

Kay, so, I feel like I'm in a concentration camp. They made me work. Like, they made me go around and empty the trashcans from all the cabins and Mikey slapped me if I tried to slack off.

He's a poop face.

**9:05 pm**

There is a place. Called 'The land of people whose lives suck a lot.'

I am their king.

**9:06 pm**

Bee tee dubs, it's my island. I rule over it. I am autonomous!

**9:09 pm**

A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue.

Dr. Not A Real Doctor told me that.

That's really all I've learned from him.

Not that I'd ever learn anything from a brainwashing Christian whose goal in life is to turn me straight.

**Hell: Day 5**

**Wednesday, February 8**

**11:49 am**

I am so good.

I just got myself out of Jesus camp and therapy!

Well, sorta. I'm still technically at Jesus camp, but I'm "sick."

So I'm in the one of the little infirmary beds being "sick."

Cough cough.

Well, I woke up because Mikey was jumping on my bed and I coughed on him and pretended to be feverish and delirious. And then I "threw up."

All I did was pour a water bottle into the toilet and flushed it.

And Mikey totally believed it!

He's such an airhead.

It didn't even sound real. It just sounded like I was taking a really weird piss.

**12:18 pm**

One point for Nate, zero for Jesus.

**Hey pandas-**

**I'm really dissapointed in the lack of reviews. The reason why I don't update each day, is because no one reviews. 15 reviews = new chapter. Cause I have alot written. Please give me some feedback, it doesn't take more than thirty seconds. That's less time that it takes to brush your teethies, bee tee dubbs. (Which you should do EVERY night, as I learned the hard way)**

**Love,**

**Nate**


	35. Boobs boobs boobs Bye

**Chapter 35**

**Hell: Day 7**

**Thursday, February 9**

**11:11 am**

The nurse is a real bitch. She's scary. I hate her.

Actually, I hate all healthcare people. Doctors, dentists, anyone really. But especially dentists. Because one time when I was little they pulled out 18 of my teeth. Trufax. But they did it at 3 different times, so it wasn't all at once or anything.

But all I ate for four months was mashed potatoes.

Apparently, that stereotype that all English people have bad teeth is true.

But back to the point, the camp nurse is a bitch. She thinks I'm faking.

Well, I am, but she's still a bitch.

**11:13 am**

Speaking of me having bad teeth, my tooth is still fucking bothering me. I'm pissed. I need some Advil.

**12:39 am**

Pshh haha.

I just nearly got kicked out of camp!

Okay, so let me explain.

Shane sent me a package and a letter. It was written in French so no one else could read it, but it said, "Dear Nate, I'm awfully sorry you have to be at Jesus camp, so here are some magic 'shrooms. Use them wisely, my adorable little brother."

Well, I went off into the bathroom, and used it.

And got high.

Well, I hotwired the camp director's car (cause Shane taught me how – don't ask), shouted out the window, "I'M OUT OF HERE, MOTHERFUCKAS!" and then I drove off really fast.

And crashed into a tree.

It was. Awesome.

But I had to get stitches.

But I was totally high so I didn't feel anything, which was awesome.

So it was pretty… awesome.

Awesome day.

**12:46 am**

Oh, plus also, I have some 'shrooms left over.

Tomorrow is gonna be fun.

**Hell: Day 8**

**Friday, February 10**

**8:09 pm**

Today rocked out loud.

So first of all, the stupid camp nurse figured out I was faking, so she sent me back to my cabin.

Oh, plus also, Mikey beat me up.

Anyway, all the campers had to go to some little meeting. About me.

And I went too, which was kinda weird.

It was about me doing drugs and shit.

I went high.

Anyway, the chick said, "The only thing you can get high on is Jesus!"

I hysterically laughed and said, "Yea and 'shrooms!"

Then at "church" I stood up on the pew, threw my hands up in the air, tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and screamed, "I CAN SEEEEEEE JESUS!"

It was so kick ass.

Oh, plus also, Jason's driving here right now to pick me up, cause I legit got kicked out.

And they don't want me back.

Ever.

CAUSE I'M A GAY ATHEIST DRUGGIE!

**8:13 pm**

Hahaha.

**9:56 pm**

I'm in Jason's car right now.

My farewell present to Camp Sucks Ass was me screaming at Mikey, "I WANT TO SHOVE A SANDPAPERY DILDO UP YOUR AND JESUS'S HUGE LOOSE ASSHOLES!!" while we were driving away.

Then Jason gasped, closed the window of his car, and locked it.

And called me a Devil's child. And told me that there would be 'severe consequences when we got home.' And then started playing Jesus Radio.

I can't escape this Jew, can I?

Yea he was Jewish apparently.

**9:57 pm**

And Mexican.

**9:58 pm**

Trufax, he had to jump the border to get to Heaven, hahaha!

**10:10 pm**

I'm funny.

**10:11 pm**

Laugh goddamn it, laugh!

**10:13 pm**

Good, good. Your laughter gives me power to eat you muhahah!

**10:15 pm**

I have no idea what I'm saying…

**3:11 am**

I made some mac and cheese and I just burped really loud.

It was intense.

**Saturday, February 11**

**10:22 am**

Took Miley for a walk.

She really loves me.

It was so odd; right when I got home last night, she jumped on me and licked me to death. It was all so very sweet. And gross.

But anyway, I took Miley to the park. She seems to have found a new boyfriend. His name is Nate. Go figure. (Oh, the irony of it all!)

Anyway, Nate belongs to this chick named Christina who apparently is a fan of me. She just moved here from Ireland last week and she has a really cool accent.

Me and her are already besties. She's coming over tonight.

Aww, puppy love!

No, no, not me and Christina, but Miley and Nate. The dogs. I already have Kim, remember?

**1:45 pm**

Today, I had a mental breakdown.

Because it just hit me that Jason doesn't know who the hell I am.

I'm slow, don't judge me.

Anyway, all I did was cry and I sat in the bathtub, eating bland original mac and cheese.

Now I'm being all emo and sitting in the corner of my closet, cutting.

FML.

**2:16 pm**

Craziest thing just happened.

Jason randomly appeared in my bedroom where I was crying and he said, "What's wrong?"

I looked at him and said, "You. You're what's wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean ever since you lost your memory, you've been acting like a real asshole and I don't like it! Actually, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, and I hate you too!"

He just looked at me all sad and confused like. Like a lost puppy without its mummy.

Then I stood up, and pulled out that piece of paper that "war paint" was drawn on that one night at the hospital when me, Shane, and Jason were playing Pictionary.

Well, I gave it to him and said, "Here. You drew this."

And he looked at it long and hard, and while I was storming out the door, he said, "I didn't draw this."

I turn around. "What?"

"I mean I didn't draw it. Shane did."

I just stared at him.

"Remember? We were playing Pictionary and Shane drew this. 'War paint.' You said it looked like a black Indian."

I was so confuzzled. How could he have possibly remembered?

I just broke down into tears. I didn't know what else to do.

Jason patted me on the back. "It's okay, really it is."

I wiped my nose on the back of my hand and said, "How do you remember that? You forgot everything."

He shrugged. "I donno. I just had this weird sort of flashback."

LIKE WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT IS THIS FLASHBACK THING?

That sort of thing only happens on _Grey's Anatomy_!

Then I got an idea. I got an avocado. Jason took it and said, "Oh, I need to finish my painting of my little avocado babies, don't I?" Then he left and got all his painting supplies.

My life is so much like an episode of _House_ or _Grey's Anatomy_ right now.

But then again, when is it not?

**3:28 pm**

I went to Maggie Moo's with Jason.

He bought me ice cream and said, "I know you love Maggie Moo's."

He remembers stuff, he remembers!

I'm so effin happy right now! (Bee tee dubs, I'm gonna try to cut down on typing and saying the full 'f' word. Let's see how long that lasts.)

Anyway, he even remembered I like the cotton candy ice cream with M&Ms.

But of course with everything happy in my life, something horrible ALWAYS has to happen. Like honestly, I can't just be happy for a day.

I starting bitching to Jason about how much my tooth hurt whenever I ate something and so he made me _un rendez-vous_ (an appointment, not a date, you sick perv.) with _le dentist_ tomorrow.

FML.

**3:30 pm**

Someone hide me at their house, please?

Kay thanks.

Bye.

**4:45 pm**

Holy fucking shit the doorbell just rang!

**Five seconds later**

So much for me not saying the 'f' word anymore…

**5:02 pm**

Gah, our driveway is so long. It takes up so much time just to go down to the gate to let the guests in.

It was Christina and Nate the dog.

It took us like 5 minutes to walk up the driveway.

But Christina was like, "Whoa, your house is huge ass."

I said, "I know. I still haven't even gone in half of it yet."

No, really, I haven't. I just realised this morning that there's another house in the back.

My house is bigger than my last school. And that school was huge.

**7:39 pm**

We went swimming.

I didn't even know this, but there's a secret entrance in my pool. It's so kick ass.

You have to go underwater and then underneath the waterfall, there's a door. And if you open it and go in there, there's like this place with air and everything in it and it leads to this – what I thought was a shed – club house type device.

It has like a fireplace and a beer keg and everything!

I made martinis and Christina and I sat in there for like half an hour just chillin.

Jason made us dinner so we're about to go eat now.

**8:43 pm**

Shane bought five new red convertibles.

I said, "Why?"

He just shrugged. "I donno. I was bored."

Christina said, "I WANT ONE!"

We gave one to Christina.

We are such nice people.

**8:57 pm**

I just hit myself in the face with an iPod…

**Sunday, February 12**

**1:01 pm**

Oh my god, Jason's not Catholic anymore!

He took me back to the Unitarian church. It was pretty cool.

I'm starting to like Jason again!

**2:23 pm**

I take it back.

I hate him again.

Why?

Because we're driving right now to the place of all torture and hell.

AKA _le chez dentist._

Grrr.

I legit just growled out loud, bee tee dubs.

**Monday, February 13**

**Homeroom**

**9:12 am**

My life sucks.

I want to kill myself right now.

Why?

Because the evil dentist told me I have to get a root canal.

WHAT THE FUCKERY?

I thought only old people got those!

Anyway, I was pretty pissed. And then I started crying. And the creepy pedophile nurse hugged me and said, "You'll be okay, sweetie."

I then 'accidently' stepped on her foot.

Jason just said, "Nate, you don't need to make a big deal about everything."

YES. I. DO.

I cried to Jason and said, "Don't make me do it, don't make me do it!"

Then Shane, who went with us for some reason, said, "Oh, god, you're such a pussy. You should have seen when Mitchie and I were having sex and she accidently knocked out two of my teeth."

(Umm ew. I don't even want to know how that one happened.)

I screamed, "WELL FUCK YOU, SHANE! FUCK YOU!"

And a bunch of people stopped to look at us.

**9:17 am**

Someone from the attendance office just gave me one of those green slips of paper. I am to report to the counselor's office right away.

What did I do now?

**9:30 am**

I got a new schedule.

My homeroom and first class are the same (Tranny, UGH!) but then the whole rest of my schedule is different.

When I asked why I was changing teachers, the counselor said, "Because you scared off your last ones."

Wow. Just wow.

**3:27 pm**

Gasp, gasp, choke, choke.

My new French teacher.

Is.

So.

Hot.

Zomgz.

Right as I walked into her classroom, I just froze. Her boobs are huge. Like legit. Yet she has the figure of a super model. And this amazingly wind-blown blonde hair with a perfect curl and bounce to it. It looks like she just got out of a convertible.

Anyway, I stopped. And stared at her.

She smiled at me. "Are you the new kid?"

"Yea," I said. And I blushed. I could just feel myself getting all hot.

She giggled. "Go have a seat."

So I sat down right at the front. And she introduced herself as the new permanent sub.

Apparently the last teacher was a pedophile and got caught with kiddie porn.

Wow.

But anyway, this is her third day ever teaching. Straight from college.

I want her in my pants.

Her name is Ms. Hoffman. Hottie Hoffman.

Ms.

She's single.

Wowza, her nunga nungas are right there. In front of me. Oh, if only I could just reach a little farther…

Oh, hush, it's just a harmless little crush. Don't make a big deal about it, gees.

**3:28 pm**

Oh my god she just said _bonjour_ to me!

**3:31 pm**

I am playing dumb.

There is no way I am letting this go. She's just so… ohmigod.

She went up to me and said, "Do you understand past tense with _avoir?_"

I shook my head. "No. I don't. Could you explain it for me?"

Hottie Hoffman smiled and went over the whole thing. I got a great view of her boobs.

They are amazing. Gifts from God. Err, Buddha.

**Note from Nate:**

**Hello my little bisexual turtles!**

Thanks for the reviews, pandas! Keep it up and I will update tomorrow!

Love,

Nate


	36. Surprise Wedding!

**Chapter 36**

**Tuesday, February 14**

**10:18 pm**

Today for Valentine's day, I drove over – illegally, ooh, I'm so bad – to Kim's house and I brought her roses and chocolate. She flipping adored them.

Oh, and this Saturday, there's a Valentine's dance at our school and I bought us tickets.

**Friday, February 17**

**9:24 am**

Hooray for homeroom!

Not.

**9:28 am**

Just checked Perez Hilton's site. He made fun of me.

Again.

And called me a Kiwi.

**10:02 am**

Ewww!

Ms. Tranny just old us that we're going to be dissecting pigs Monday.

I ain't touchin no pig abortion!

Tess and I just went, "Ewww! That's sick!" Through the whole virtual dissection thing and didn't do the worksheet.

Tess was like, "Oh fuck I'm gonna barf."

I said, "Yea and this isn't even the real thing."

Me and her are lab partners. We're going to share a pig abortion on Monday.

**12:25 pm**

Sitting at the park eating lunch with Chuck.

He's a very comedic person, he is.

**12:27 pm**

Oh bloody hell! I just dropped my pizza on my white skinny jeans.

AHH!

FML!

**12:31 pm**

Penny just laughed at me and said, "Haha, Nate, it looks like you got your period!"

I did not!

**2:45 pm**

French is my next class!

Insert huge grin right here.

**3:02 pm**

Counting down the seconds until the end of maths class.

Only 298 more.

**3:08 pm**

Guess where I am right now!

**3:10 pm**

Cannot. Concentrate. On. Worksheet.

We're taking a test today.

Well, I'll just have to fail so I can go to tutorials!

**4:00 pm**

I totally failed that bitch.

Too bad so sad.

Doesn't really bother me.

School's over.

Yay.

Sad that Hottie Hoffman isn't at my house though. Only two more days until I get to see her again!

**Saturday, February 18**

**10:40 am**

Woke up.

Brushed my teeth.

Combed my hair.

Jason told me my dentist appointment's today.

I kicked him in the balls and ran.

**10:41 am**

Screw him, I am NOT going.

**10:45 am**

Tried to get Mum to take my side.

She just said, "He knows what's best." And then left with Gene to go do some celebrity like things.

**4:12 pm**

Someone kill me.

Just shoot me right now.

I'm gonna dieeee.

It was horrible, pandas, horrible!

I legit flipped a shit.

I sat down in the chair and right when the evil Dr. dentist dude came, I just started crying. And they had to wait like 15 minutes for me to stop, but I never did, so Jason was like, "Oh my god, shut up, Nate!"

That only made me cry and scream more. And then I just ran.

So they attacked me and Jason had to pin me down on the floor while they gave me a sedative. (Jason's really strong, bee tee dubs.)

Evil. Très, très evil.

I was so out of it for the first hour of the deal, and then I was like, "Ahh! What the hell are you doing?"

But something hilarious _did_ happen. When I was fully conscious again, I was sitting there bored when I remembered something hilarious.

Okay, so when I was in 3rd grade, Penny told me that that at my parent's wedding (which I guess never actually happened…?) there was this guy there and for some reason, he got pissed off so he tore off his penis and threw it at the wall. And it oozed.

You know what's sad?

I believed her for the longest time.

But anyway, I was just thinking of that and I legit burst out laughing.

You know when something's really really fun and you're in an inappropriate place to be laughing, but you just can't stop? Well that happened.

Dr. Evil was like, "What the crap?"

But I just laughed harder.

So they had to stop the whole deal so I could have my little laughing fit.

**6:29 pm**

I am a horrible, horrible person!

Okay so I totally forgot that dance was tonight. Kim came over at six like I told her to, but I was in my jammies. (Cause they gave me something that made me really tired. Damn them.)

So I opened the door (in my red feetie jimjams, it was so embarrassing!) and Kim was standing there in her dress and everything.

I just froze and said, "The dance was today wasn't it?"

She looked kinda disappointed and just nodded.

We went inside and went in my room. And Kim was like, "So we gonna go or what?"

And I told her what happened and why I was in my jimjams and everything.

She did that girly protective thing and said, "Aww, sweetie!" and hugged me. Then she said, "Let's just stay here for the rest of the time. It'll be fun. Just the two of us."

I said, "I'll just sleep the whole time."

"It's okay. We'll sleep together."

"Sounds provocative."

And then she hopped in my bed and now we're going to bed.

So… good night. …?

**8:08 pm**

Took a really nice and long nap.

It was amazing.

First nap I've had in a long time. But I guess drugs do that to you.

Now I'm sitting on the couch with Mitchie, watching Shane and Kim battle each other in DDR.

**11:29 pm**

Mitchie, Shane, Kim, and I all went on a double date to TGI Friday's, even though it's Saturday.

That place sucks giraffe abortions.

When I got my meal, it was fucking cold. And it just overall sucked.

**Monday, February 20**

**9:02 am**

**Study hall**

Ew. Today is pig abortion day.

**10:09 am**

**Tranny's class. **

Well, that went… well.

Kay, so, there was a dead baby pig right in front of us, and me and Tess had to pin it down to this tray.

Well, Tess started crying and just sat in the corner, bawling, and so I had to be the one cutting it up and shit.

Right when I cut it open, all this water brown shit just started pouring out of him (Tess named him Charlotte) and so I got all freaked out and grossed out and I threw up.

And neither of us wanted to cut Charlotte up, so Ms. Tran did it for us, and I just watched and tried not to barf again. Tess kept screaming at Ms. Tran, "ALL PIGGIES WANT TO BE BORNED!"

So I joined in and said, "All piggies want to be borned! I'm pro choice, and it sure as hell wasn't this pig's choice to get cut up by a bunch of immature 15 year olds!"

And Tess just started crying even harder when someone decided it would be oh-so hilarious if they cut off their pigs head and dangled it in her face.

**11:22 am**

Went home.

Someone threw a pig liver at me and it got all up in my hair. And I legit flipped out.

It would NOT come out of my hair, and I just screamed and Ms. Tranny tried to get it out, but I was still just so grossed out, so I puked on her. And she was like, "Oh my god! Nate! Not again!" (Flashback to Texas when she was forcing me to do those worksheets!)

And everyone was quiet.

Except for Tess because she was still crying her eyes out.

**12:00 pm**

I decided to experiment with girly makeup. No, not because I wish to pursue a career as a flaming homosexual, but because Mum left her makeup bag in my bathroom. (For some reason, she likes to do her makeup in MY bathroom, it's so weird.)

Anyway, I got this bright orange eye shadow and just started putting it all around my eye. And it looked god awful.

So Jason walks by and sees me in my room, putting it on, and he just stares at me. And I stare at him.

Then he says, "Girl, you look like you belong in The Lion King."

And so he redid it for me.

I looked like a drag queen.

So I took it off really fast.

**12:01 pm**

Although, I did look really hot with mascara.

**12:42 pm**

I'm listening to emo music.

I want to write a story. That's so terribly emo it's amazing.

**1:18 pm**

Once upon a time, there was a magical prince named Nate. His father was an evil warlock, and Nate was in love with a frog princess named Melody.

Only too bad so sad for Nate, Melody liked pancakes. And Nate was allergic to pancakes.

"Damn all the pancakes!" Nate said.

He was angry. Very angry.

He was so angry that he went to his fairy godmother and asked her to wish away all the pancakes in the world.

"Bippity Boppity Boo!" and all the pancakes were gone.

But then Nate went back home and Melody had killed herself because all the pancakes were gone.

It was so tragic that Nate killed himself. But too bad so sad, Melody didn't actually die, because she was just playing possum!

And then Nate's father, the evil warlock, did something humongously ginormously, ridonkulously EVIL! As revenge, he made waffles disappear forever! It was so tragic and horrible that all the villagers had to move to a new country!

But the evil warlock had forgotten that waffles were his favorite, besides French toast. He languished (SAT word!) away.

Wasn't that just depressing?

**3:45 pm**

My family pulls so much fucking shit!

One word: Arranged marriage.

Well, that was two, but you should have gasped.

I was just in my room, chillin', chattin' with my homies online, when Mum came in and said, "Natey?"

"Yea?" I asked and closed my laptop.

She sat down on my bed. "I need to talk to you."

"Great, another intense moment. What is it this time?"

"We're gonna try something new."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… Gene says that he wants you to have… to have an…"

"A what? Abortion?"

"No, you sick perv. Arranged marriage."

"Huh?"

"You know, where we have someone picked out to marry you."

"I know what it is, I'm not retarded, but… really? Why?"

"You know what, I don't fuckin' know. But he's your dad and whatever he says goes. You're getting married to some chick in three months, cool?"

"What?! NO. NOT COOL. TOTALLY NOT COOL!"

"Well I'm sorry, Natey."

"Wait, don't you get a say in this? You're married to the dude, so you get fifty percent of every decision! Err, something like that."

"I can't say no to him, Nate, you don't understand."

"Who is he? Chris Brown? No, Mum, you can tell him no, YOU HAVE TO!"

"Sorry, Panda."

"Oh shit… oh fucker. Oh ass, tits, bitch, faggot! Please tell me I'm marrying Kim!"

"No… I'm sorry you're not."

"Then who am I marrying!?"

"It's a surprise."

"What the fuck do you mean, a surprise?"

"Well I don't fuckin' know yet."

"You don't fuckin' know?"

"No, I don't fuckin' know. All I know is that you're meeting her at a ball later."

"What is this? The Princess Diaries Two?"

"Just, just, just… bye."

Then she left.

**3:52 pm**

WHAT THE FUCK, I'M PREGNANT!?

That's so weird…

I found a box of pregnancy tests under my sink, so I pissed on one just for fun, and a little frowny face came up.

Does that mean I'm pregnant?

**3:53 pm**

I'm pregnant and I'm getting married in 3 months to someone I've never met in my life…

Great.

Oh my god, haha, mpreg.

**3:58 pm**

This is so weird.

I'm a virgin, I swear.

But I don't have a uterus.

Unless I'm one of those freaky hermaphrodites!

OHMIGOD, WHAT IF I AM?!

Shit! I'll be Octomum in no time!

**3:59 pm**

Wait, wait, maybe it's just a food baby…

Oh god, it better be.

**4:21 pm**

Ok, pandas, I just drank like a gallon of Gatorade. It's time for the moment of truth: food baby, or not food baby.

**4:24 pm**

This is so nerve racking…

Come on, hurry up!

What if I really am pregnant? That would explain why I threw up this morning…

**Thirty seconds later**

I feel like I'm in that movie, "Knocked Up."

**4:25 pm**

The moment of truth…

OH. MY. GOD!!

**4:28 pm**

I ran up to Jason in tears and said, "JASON, I'M PREGNANT, I'M PREGNANT!"

And he said, "Okay, Nate, do we need to have the awkward sex talk? You're a boy… you _can't _have a baby, okay?"

"But I took a pregnancy test and a little frowny face came up."

"Yea. That means it's negative."

"What?"

"Yea…"

"I thought a frowny face meant your eggo is preggo, because who the hell wants their eggo preggo? Not in this economy at least."

"You're not pregnant, okay?"

And I just stood there. And thought about it. Then I screamed, "Hooray! I'm not gonna be Octomum!"

S'okay guys, it was just a food baby.

**4:33 pm**

I am just so relieved.

I'm gonna make some mac and cheese to celebrate the fact that my eggo is not preggo.

Nor do I have an eggo that could be preggo.

**4:45 pm**

Ugh, Mitchie, ugh.

**4:47 pm**

Her eggo sure is preggo.

**1:11 am**

**In bed**

Trying to sleep. But I can't.

Today was one of those days…

I threw up on my teacher, thought I was pregnant, made mac and cheese, ect., ect.

But I'm getting married in three months.

Like legit.

And I don't even know who this chick is.

And I'm only fifteen.

Grrr FML.

**1:13 am**

All I know is that her mum is famous.

And she lives here in Kiwi-a-gogo land.

Great. There's a lot of famous people here.

**Now for a note from Nate:**

Hey pandas. I'm a bit dissapointed that I haven't been getting many reviews. I was legit serious about the 15 reviews rule. Do you not love me anymore? Cause I already have Chapter 44 completed, but no one reviews, so I don't want to update. Review. Kthxbi.

Nate


	37. NPA

**Chapter 37**

**Tuesday, February 21**

**10:50 am**

I was walking down the hall, and I saw this chick with this really, really curly Jew hair. It took all my will power to not attack her with a hair straightener.

**11:06 am**

Umm… okay, so I have this water bottle I took from the fridge. Well, it was already opened, but I didn't think anything of it… Well it's filled with vodka.

Thanks, Shane, really. Thanks.

**11:14 am**

Mum just texted me. She told me she wants me to come home right away.

For what, dare I ask?

I texted her back and asked her why.

She said, "I'll send Kelsey to pick you up."

**Thirty seconds later**

I swear to god, if there's another family secret, I will shoot up a playground.

**11:23 am**

"Who took the cookies from the cookie jar?" "Nathaniel took the cookies from the cookie jar." "Who me?" "Yes, you!" "Fuck you, bitch, I didn't take no goddamn cookies!"

**11:30 am**

Someone just walked by with a shirt that said, "NPA."

The first thing that came to my mind was, "National Penis Association."

**11:31 am**

What if that was real? What if there really is a National Penis Association?

**Home**

**11:58 am**

Kelsey picked me up from school and took me home.

Apparently, they want me to go to the vagina doctor with Mitchie.

I was like, "Uhh… no…"

Mum said, "You have to! She doesn't want to go alone!"

"Well then have her go with Shane."

"He doesn't want to."

"Then that means that I should?"

"Yea. She seems to like you."

Then I remembered to last night when she bit me for taking the TV remote.

**12:05 pm**

**  
**Ugh. In the car right now. I'm being forced to go.

**12:13 pm**

I've never liked doctor's offices, and never will.

**12:37 pm**

EWWW. EEWWWWW.

Oh my god that is sick, that is sick!

I am never coming back here again, thanks.

Do you know what they did to Mitchie!?

They looked up her hoo-ha!

Oh my god, I'm gonna pass out.

**Thursday, February 23**

**8:12 pm**

Why do I always have these near-death experiences?

Well, we went to Florida for some sort of publicity thing, Tuesday afternoon. (Just, don't ask.) So we flew all the way there…

Today, Mum had a photo shoot for this bathing suit magazine and I was forced to be dragged along. Well, we went down by this creek and I was just standing there bored and then Mum started screaming and running and there was this huge-ass snake that just crawled up onto the grass we were on, and that little son of a bitch bit me.

So I screamed bloody murder and everyone just stared at me.

I cried and then these two people carried me to the car and they drove me to a hospital and apparently I got bit by a poisonous snake.

I was pretty pissed. It hurt. A lot.

I still hate hospitals.

After Mum finished up her photo shoot, she was kind enough to come visit me in the hospital. She looked at me and said, "Well, better you than me."

But now we're flying back to Kiwi-a-gogo land.

**Friday, February 24**

**7:25 am**

We just got back.

Note to self: Never, ever, ever, and I mean NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative. Especially not on a plane.

**Sunday, April 12**

**9:30 pm**

Okay, before you kill me for not updating for a billion years, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

But Shane took you away and didn't give you back until 5 minutes ago. He legit kidnapped you for ransom.

I had to pay him forty thousand dollars to get you back.

I'm being serious.

But it doesn't matter because, surprisingly, nothing interesting happened.

But today's Easter.

Haha happy Easter to me…

Mum had the whole family fly down to Washington DC because she sang at the White House this year. Well, at the Easter egg hunt, Shane got really competitive and when we both saw this one purple egg, he said, "THAT'S MINE, MOTHER FUCKKAHHH!" and then when I was bent over to get it, he pushed me as hard as he could away and I slammed against the fence and cut my forehead.

(PS- All Jason cared about when he drove me to the hospital was that I got blood all over his car.)

Seven stitches later, I'm staying in the White House.

Yes, I'm legit.

I am spending the night in the White House.

Obama just LOVES my mum.

Oh, and it was the most hilarious thing, they thought I was an illegal immigrant who wants to shoot the president because of my accent, so they double searched me and like interrogated me. It was pretty intense.

**9:39 pm**

Me and my bright ideas…

I decided to go exploring.

Well, poo on my shoe, some secret service people caught me.

**Monday, April 13**

**11:06 am**

The Obama girls are such cuties.

They wanted me to hang out with them last night, so I did. It was so much fun. They taught me this stupid little dance called the "Hoe Down Throw Down." I don't know who it's by, but I'm thinking the Pussy Cat Dolls. I mean, if the title has the word "hoe" on it, it has to be by them.

Well we're staying here for a few more days, so this will be fun.

Screw school, I'm hanging out with the Obama girls.

**11:11 am**

I just had this weird sudden longing for Hottie Hoffman.

I SHALL EMAIL HER!

**1:03 pm**

They want me to watch this movie called the Hannah Montana movie.

I said, "Nuh uhhh!"

And they said, "Yea huhh!"

So I guess I'm watching the movie now. I just can't say no to those little cuties.

**2:15 pm**

Oh my god… oh my god. AHH!

That wasn't a PCD song! I actually learned a Hannah Montana song! EWW EWWW. I'm more grossed out right now than last week when Shane peed in my bed!

**2:16 pm**

I feel like I should kill myself right now.

**2:17 pm**

I can't get the damn song out of my head…

**3:03 pm**

Went online to see what concerts were coming up in Kiwi-a-gogo land.

I saw one where the Pussy Cat Dolls were opening.

Yesss.

It has always been my dream to see them live!

So, I bought two front row tickets; one for me and one for Kim.

Then I looked at the headlining band, and guess who's going on that tour? Lauren Gray and Gene Simmons.

I just bought tickets to my own parent's show. Why, oh why, did I waste nearly a thousand dollars? Well, I guess some of that money goes back to us…

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So the Pussy Cat Dolls are opening for my parents?

HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME!?

I love the Pussy Cat Dolls!

**3:28 pm**

"Don't Cha" came on the radio and I did my dance to it I made up in the middle of the main hall.

All the White House visitors watched me shake my thanggg.

It was pretty embarrassing when I turned around and everyone was standing there, staring at me.

I was like, "Oh… hi…"

And someone took a picture when someone said, "Oh my god, that's Nate Gray!"

Then I said, "Kthxbi," and ran off into Sasha's room.

**3:29 pm**

Haha, great, everyone's talking about me… ohmigod.

I can't wait to be on the cover of People magazine next week.

**3:56 pm**

Mum came in the room we were in and said, "So I heard about your dance."

I just said, "Ugh…"

"Wait until someone puts the video on YouTube."

"Screw you Mum, I don't want to talk to you right now…."

"Do you like the Pussy Cat Dolls?"

"Um, yea. Of course. Did you not notice the tens of thousands of pictures of them I have on my wall?"

"No."

"Well, I love them."

"Want to go on a date with them?"

I then legit jumped in the air and screamed.

"I'll take that as a yes," Mum said and started calling someone.

I'm going on a date with the Pussy Cat Dolls!

I think I'm gonna spontaneously combust. Right now.

**Tuesday, April 14**

**2:04 pm**

_Yo estoy…. _On a plane.

See, I can speak Spanish, too!

**2:05 pm**

_Je suis_ on a plane.

**2:06 pm**

I am on a plane.

**2:07 pm**

I am bored on a plane.

**2:08 pm**

I am watching a movie on a plane.

**2:09 pm**

I am eating mac and cheese on a plane.

**2:10 pm**

Damn, I really gotta get myself off this plane!

**2:12 pm**

Too bad so sad for me, Mum only flies East to West, so we have to fly all the way across the world to go back to Kiwi-a-gogo land.

It's a celebrity thing I will never understand.

**10:52 pm**

I've watched the whole first season of _Friends._

**10:55 pm**

Went on Facebook.

It's a good thing we have internet on this plane.

**5:12 am**

Oh bloody hell, we're still on this mother fucking plane!

Gene is already home.

He has his own plane.

WELL, GOOD FOR HIM!

Meanwhile, we'll be flying over Europe.

**5:30 am**

Oh, I just _aime_ being beat up at five in the morning by Shane.

**6:02 am**

Fell asleep for like ten minutes.

Woke up when Mum let out a loud scream, which sorta sounded like a dolphin.

She was looking at celebrity gossip and was reading one about her. And how she was a bad parent. (Well, she is.) Anyway, someone has been stalking us or something and so now everyone's talking about us. She's been accused of beating me with a stick. Which, actually, did happen.

But it was just once.

Anyway, she just texted her publicist and asked her what she should do.

**9:45 am**

Light, cameras, action!

As part of Mum's new-new-new comeback, she is continuing up the reality TV show, but this time, it's about the joys of being a famous mother.

Oh. My. God.

Her? _Enjoying_ being a mother?

Umm, yea right.

Gene enjoys being a mother more than her.

**9:47 am**

It is to start filming immediately.

Apparently, someone got a picture of her beating me with a stick and put it on the cover of this week's US weekly magazine. American edition, Canadian edition, AND Kiwi edition.

So now all my friends at school will know that my mum enjoys spending her free time beating me with sticks.

How great.

**Wednesday, April 14**

**5:06 pm**

We landed in South Africa. I do not even know why we did, but we did. Something about our plane losing or breaking something or some shit like that.

Now we're stuck here until our other private jet comes to rescue us.

Perfect.

Just perfect.

Well, I better go and do what we celebrities do.

I'M OFF TO THE NIGHT CLUBS, BITCH.

**Thursday, April 15**

**2:03 pm**

Back on the plane. It's fixed.

Went on perezhilton dot com.

Pictures of me and Mum, passed out, very Lindsay-Lohan like, in the back of a car, are the top rated pictures of the day.

Oh, I just love being famous.

Mum's publicist called her and we all talked to her in the plane. She said, "Not good, not good… Lauren, get your act together. Your son is only sixteen-"

I shouted here, "I'M FIFTEEN!"

"Screw you, Nate!" Then she continued talking to Mum. "Look, point is, you better get your ass back on track. No one's gonna go to your tour, the police are gonna get involved… Bad, this is very bad."

Then she and Mum talked for a long time and I fell asleep because it was seven in the morning and I had a hangover.

**10:07 pm**

FINALLY HOME!

Oh thank the lord. I was so sick of hearing Mum talk to me about how she would be a better mum.

She was like, "I'll make you breakfast, and wash your clothes, and tuck you in, and make sure you do all your homework."

I said, "Kelsey already does all that."

Then she paused for a long time.

And walked away.

**A\N: It's my birthday so review for me!! Thanks! Plus also, who's going to be watching JONAS tonight?! I'll watch it after my brother's concert! He's in a band and I think he's gonna pull me on stage and have everyone sing Happy Birthday for me. That would be so kick-ass. Hint hint, Jean-Luc!**


	38. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

**Chapter 38**

**Monday, April 20**

**9:03 am**

Welcome to homeroom, the shittiest waste of time there is where all I do is update my Facebook and twitter.

**10:29 am**

Ewww, Tranny's class.

It sucks to be back here.

Ms. Transexual gave me a whole folder of makeup work, but I'm not gonna do any of it.

Tess was like, "Where were you?"

I said, "You know… places."

Cause I can't tell her, 'Oh yea, my mum was singing at the white house for Obama' cause, well, no one's supposed to know we're famous.

Even though everyone's gonna find out next week when they buy US weekly and see me on the cover.

Unless they don't buy US weekly here… Hmmm…

**10:31 am**

Gene texted me.

He says I get to find out who I'm marrying this Saturday.

Oh, joy is me.

**10:32 am**

Screw him. I am not marrying anyone!

That's it, I will run away tonight.

I'll take Miley and just run away.

**10:33 am**

Plus also, I will take Kim. Because what kind of a boyfriend would I be if I didn't take my girlfriend?

**10:37 am**

OH NO!

I can't run away!

Cause I will miss Hottie Hoffman!

**10:38 am**

Screw it, no running away this time.

I guess I will just have to be married to some hoe.

Sigh.

Oh well.

**10:41 am**

We literally did nothing today in biology.

All we did was grade a paper and then talked for the rest of the class. How lame is that? Well, it was good for me because I hate doing stupid biology worksheets, and we all know that they don't go well with me.

FLASHBACK TO TEXAS!

**12:00 pm**

Chuck missed me.

He hugged me when I sat down at the picnic table.

It was so weird.

I screamed, "RAPE! RAAAPEEEE!"

And Chuck just looked at me.

Oh, and there's a new kid. He's from Minnesota.

He won't talk to anyone and sits far away from us. I feel so bad. Poor kid, I remember being the new kid and not having any friends.

**12:02 pm**

I've decided our table is the loser table.

Oh, _merde. _

I mean, I'm Nate flippin' Gray.

But I guess no one knows I'm famous here.

So yes, the loser table it is.

**12:12 pm**

Let's play a game. Called I-Spy.

I spy with my little eye…

HOTTIE HOFFMAN!

Yowza, wearing a low-cut top! How about that?

Wait, is she coming over here...?

**12:25 pm**

She came over to talk about me failing her class.

I said. "Wow, I think I need a tutor!"

She smiled and said, "I'd be happy to tutor you today. Want to meet at the library today?"

"Actually, I don't have a ride anywhere. Could you possibly come to my house?"

"I guess I could… Does six work for you?"

Then I said, "IT'S A DATE!" And I blued and tripped over my words and stuttered. "I mean… you know what I mean."

"Yea, I get it."

Then she walked off.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

How do I do it?

I am _so_ good!

**12:27 pm**

OH MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!

Forgot that I'm not supposed to tell anyone my parents are famous! If Hottie Hoffman comes to my house, she'll know!

Oh, triple _merde,_ this is not good, not good!

**12:30 pm**

Oh, Buddha, what do I do? I don't have French today, so I can't tell her she can't tutor me! UGHH.

**4:23 pm**

Oh my god, this is ass.

I went after school to find her, but her room was locked and her car was gone and so she already went home.

Fuuuucccccckkkkk.

**4:27 pm**

FML! FML! FML!

Gah, why am I such an idiot?

**5:01 pm**

Oh, bollocks, she's gonna be here in an hour!

**5:02 pm**

Screw it!

Who cares if she knows?

Make the best of a bad situation, right?

Dayum, I better go take a shower and have the maids clean up the house!

**In the loo**

I sure hope I look okay. Should I change clothes, or wear the same ones I've been wearing?

Maybe I should just change my trousers.

Yes, that sounds rather reasonable.

**5:45 pm**

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

And when I say queen, I mean me.

**5:50 pm**

Oh fuck!

I've managed to shave off half of one of my eyebrows!

I look like an alien!

Okay, let me explain. I noticed that I had a unibrow. Which is unacceptable if the hottest French-speaking person alive is about to come tutor me in French. So, I took my razor and carefully tried to get rid of my unibrow.

Well, too bad so sad for me, Shane crept up on me and he screamed, "BOO!"

So I screamed and lost control and… well, shaved off half my eyebrow.

Thank you so, so much Shane.

What am I gonna do?

AND FUCK! THE DOORBELL RANG!

**7:05 pm**

That couldn't have gone any worse.

Well, the door bell rang and I ran as fast as I could down the driveway and entered the pass code and let her in.

She wasn't expecting my house to be so big. Or for the valet guy to park her car for her. Or for the maids to massage her feet and fetch her tea.

But, that's just the way it goes in our house.

She turned to me and said, "Do guests always get treated this way at your house?"

I said, "Pretty much."

So we finally got in the kitchen and we did worksheets and stuff, and it was totally going great and I was totally fooling her into thinking I was a complete dumbshit, and then… Shane came.

He came in the kitchen, ranting away in French (cause we don't speak English at our house) and he said, "Oh, Nate, so glad you're here. Mitchie wants me to go to some vagina thing with her tomorrow and I really want to go clubbing instead. Will you go with her, please?" then he looked at Hottie Hoffman and said, "Who's the chick, Nate? Hot date? She's hot. You gonna fuck her? If you don't, I will." Then he winked at her and said in English, "Hey good lookin'."

And we both froze.

Then Hottie Hoffman said in French, "Hi, I'm Nate's French teacher. And you are?"

Shane stopped texting. "Oh… you speak French?"

Hottie nodded.

"Ohh…" Shane paused. "Well, do you want to fuck me?"

I yelled in French, "SHANE, WHAT THE HELL? YOU CAN'T ASK MY TEACHER THAT!"

Then I remembered that I was trying to fool Hottie Hoffman into thinking I suck at French! So I quickly covered my mouth.

And then Gene Simmons came into the kitchen and said, "Hey guys. What's goin' on?"

She stood up. "You know, actually, I gotta go home. Glad you can speak French now, Nate." Then she like legit ran out the door.

"CALL ME!" Shane yelled after her.

Right as she closed the door, I turned to Shane and said, "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

And he said, "Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted to fuck her."

**7:12 pm**

That's it.

I'm killing myself tonight.

No go backs. It's the golden rule.

**8:47 pm**

Just ate some mac and cheese.

The spiraled kind.

Kelsey got it imported and our chef made some for me.

I ate it, but I was too upset to actually enjoy it. I cried. And Kelsey hugged me and told me 'everything will be all right.'

But it won't.

It will not be all right.

Nothing will.

Yea, I can have really dark and twisty moments. Jealous?

**Tuesday, April 21**

**2:33 pm**

**Hell**

**AKA School**

There is a pile of forks on the floor by my desk. I do not understand this at all.

But that's what I get for taking dumbshit regular English instead of honours like Jason wanted me to.

**2:35 pm**

I bet Miley Cyrus put them there just to mess with my mind. It reminds me of how much of a bitch she is.

**2:39 pm**

Kay, so, we're talking about Starwars and snakes.

Reminds me of that one horrible trip to Florida. You know, where I got bit by a snake?

I blame Miley Cyrus for that one, too.

**3:15 pm**

Rushed into Hottie's room without looking at her and sat in the back and put my head down.

I can't look at her ever again.

When your brother asks your teacher if she wants to have sex with him, it gets sooo awkward.

**3:44 pm**

Ummm, why does everything in my life have to suck?

I feel all gross and incesty right now.

Get this: I was just sitting there and I managed to fall asleep and so the bell rang and I didn't notice it, and no one bothered to wake me up, so it was about ten minutes after the next class had started and I was still asleep.

So Hottie Hoffman woke me up and said, "Nate…"

And I shot awake and said, "OUI MADAME?!" rather loudly.

Then I looked around and no one was in the classroom but me and her.

"We need to talk," she said.

I stood up and got all my binders. "Look, I know, I know, I'm sorry I lied. I gotta run I'm gonna be late for my next class." And I began to leave, but she said,

"It's not about that. It's about Gene Simmons."

And I turned around. "What about him?"

"Why was he at your house yesterday?"

I put down my stuff on a desk. "Well… there's actually a good reason. He, uh, was… fixing our TV, you see, and-"

"You're a bad liar."

I sighed. "God, I know."

"Tell me the real reason."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I'm supposed to keep it a secret… but I guess you already know a lot so… here it goes… Gene Simmons is my father."

She just stared at me for a long time.

"You're supposed to say something," I said.

"Are you lying again?"

"No, I'm legit."

"Cause my real biological father is Gene Simmons."

I paused. "Legit?"

"Yea…"

"… Wow." Then there was a long awkward silence. "What are we gonna do?" I whispered.

"I don't know… I'll be at your house after school. We need to talk to Dad."

DAD?!

My French teacher just called my father "Dad."

As in we share a dad.

As in we're related.

My extremely hot teacher is my sister.

This means incest.

**4:22 pm**

Jason says I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Yeah, right!

Screw him, I'm not going to see that evil dentist ever again. Not after what happened last time I was there. -Shudders-.

**6:15 pm**

My half-sister, Rebecca (or Becca as I call her) arrived at four thirty.

She stopped in the middle of our main hallway, threw her purse at me, and screamed, "DAD! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!"

And Gene and Mum and Shane and Jason all came out into the main formal room.

Gene looked so surprised. "Oh… Rebecca… what are you doing here?" Then he laughed all awkwardly. "Ok, well, nice seeing you. Bye."

And she said, "Oh no no no, you have a lot to explain."

It was quite hilarious because Shane said, "Ah, see, the hot ones always come back." Then he went right up next to her and said, "So are you gonna take of your pants, or should I?"

She crossed her arms. "Are you hitting on your sister?"

"I don't know. Is it working?"

She scoffed and pushed him away from her. "Sicko."

"You know you want me!" Shane yelled. Then he and Mitchie went upstairs to go have sex or something.

Gene explained everything.

Turns out, he cheated on Mum twenty some odd years ago and had a bastard child he never bothered to tell Mum about. And she was put up for adoption and she found out Gene Simmons was her real father three years ago. And she didn't tell anyone.

Sounds a bit familiar.

Anyway, Mum stepped on Gene's foot with her Stilettos and then kicked him in the balls and said, "Okay, we're even now. Let's go have sex." And then they ran off.

But Gene wants Becca to move in with us. And since she's living in a hotel, she said, "Sure, why not?"

And she's moving in tonight.

My family is so fucked beyond belief.

**9:56 pm**

**My room**

Becca moved in.

She didn't have much stuff, so it was pretty easy to shove all of the stuff from her hotel room into the guest room.

Penny's really excited about her movie in. She said, "Finally, another girl in the house!"

I asked, "What about Mitchie?"

"She's pregnant. You can't go clubbing with a preggo chick!"

**10:10 pm**

Went on Facebook.

New friend request from Rebecca Hoffman.

Should I add her?

I don't know cause then she might stalk me like my aunt does. One of the worst choices I've ever made was adding my aunt on Facebook.

I'll have to think about adding her.

**11:31 pm**

Going to bed. I need my beauty rest.


	39. Shut up you big lesbian!

**Chapter 39**

**Wednesday, April 22**

**5:40 am**

Becca woke me up early.

She's awfully annoying.

We share a bathroom and she was using the shower at like five in the morning. I went in there to piss and she left her underwear on the floor. I really don't want to see my French teacher's red sex knickers on the floor of my bathroom. I'm still getting used to the fact that I even have a sister, let alone the fact that my teacher's my sister.

**6:13 am**

Tried to go back to sleep.

Rebecca came into my room and turned on the lights saying, "WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!"

I just groaned. "Turn off the lights…"

"Nope, you need to wake up right now."

I looked at my clock. "It's six in the morning… I don't get up until eight."

"Well, you get a ride to school with me now. I leave at seven."

"Why the hell do you leave at seven in the morning?"

"Because I have a meeting before school today. So get up."

"Ugh… Fuck you, stupid bitch…"

"You know you love me."

"Who are you? Gossip Girl?"

**Breakfast**

Becca tried to make food.

But then the chef pushed her out of the way.

She doesn't know that he hates it when people try to make food.

So then she let him make French toast and eggs and bacon, and we're eating it now.

Oh my god, Jason just said to Becca, "Hey if you have free time, could you take Nate to the dentist today? He has an appointment at noon."

She said, "Yeah, I have off time then. I'll take him."

I said, "No, Jason, please, don't make me go!"

Jason said, "Becca, I'm sorry ahead of time is he gives you a hard time about it."

"JASON! PLEASE!" I begged. "DON'T MAKE ME GO!"

"What the hell's wrong with you, child?!" Becca asked.

Then I fell to the floor and grabbed Jason's legs. "JASONNN!" By now I was screaming. "DON'T MAKE ME GO, DON'T MAKE ME GO! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!"

And Shane pulled me off of him and slapped me across the face.

Becca said, "Wow…" and just kinda stared at me.

Then I got up from the floor and ran. And locked myself in my room.

And I'm never ever coming out.

Otherwise they'll make me go… _there._

**Five minutes later**

In Becca's car.

**7:40 am**

I am sooo bored right now.

Becca's in a meeting and so now I'm sitting here, in her car, really really bored like.

But at least the radio's on.

**7:49 am**

Ugh, a Mum song just came on.

Radio go bye bye now.

**7:56 am**

I shouldn't even be up right now.

**7:57 am**

I am going to take a nap.

**10:13 am**

Whoops, slept through first period.

Oh well.

I hate Ms. Tran anyway.

Becca came into her car because she left her coat and she saw me in the backseat sleeping and she was like, "What are you doing?!"

And I was like, "Sleeping. Duh."

"School started."

"Nuh huh!"

"Yea huh!"

"Quick! Write me a pass so I don't get in trouble!"

"NO!"

"Ugh, stupid bitch." And then I got out and ran as fast as I could to the school, and then when I was half way there, I got all winded and I said, "Screw it." So I just walked the rest of the way.

**Lunch time**

Decided not to tell any of my friends Becca's my sister. They might get pissed when I get better grades than them for no reason.

**11:46 pm**

I decided to go talk to that new kid that sits at the end of our table. He just looked so sad and lonely. I took my tray over there and too bad for me, I tripped and spilled my water bottle all over his pants. I then took some napkins and tried to wipe the water off.

He got hard.

Never. Talking. To. Him. Again.

**11:47 pm**

I'm just not gonna be nice anymore. It seems like whenever I try to be nice, something horrible happens to me.

**11:59 pm**

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.

I was sitting there at lunch when Becca came up to our table. She said, "Nate, we have to go now."

I said, "Go where?"

"The dentist's."

And I dropped my fork. And screamed, "NOOOO!" And then I ran.

And she caught me.

And we're sitting here in the waiting room and I'm hyperventilating.

And people are looking at me like I'm a psychopath.

**12:34 pm**

I hate people so, so much.

What was just going to be a regular little check up is now turning into some sort of crazy-ass surgery.

I know why. It's because I'm black.

Well, I'm not black, but I'm English.

And Canadian.

It's because I'm Ango-Canadian.

That's why.

But I am about to die. Right now. Becca is like, "Goddamn, Nate, you're worse than my dog when we used to take him to the vet."

I said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Pretty soon you're gonna start crying."

"No I'm not."

**12:39 pm**

Ugh, she was right.

I'm crying.

But it's only cause the freaky pedophile nurse was telling Becca what they're gonna do to me. And it sounded rally scary.

I don't even remember what they're doing. But it has to do with my gums having some sort of ginger disease or some shit like that. I don't fuckin' know.

**12:55 pm**

It seems like sitting in the corner of the room, hyperventilating and curled up into a fetal position, is what always happens when they try to give me those freaky shots. Those things scare the hell out of me.

**1:02 pm**

She tried to leave.

She was like, "Okay, this has been fun and all, watching you scream and cry, but I really gotta get back to school. I have classes to teach. Can you just stay here without me?"

And I was still in the corner, having a fit, and I said, "NO!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE. THEY WILL EAT MY BRAINS IF YOU DO!"

**1:23 pm**

I delay so much.

Becca's pretty pissed at me.

She eventually just picked me up and held me down while they did evil things to me.

And now my whole mouth is numb. This is not good, pandas.

Through the whole time Dr. Evil was stabbing me with sharp and pointy needles, I was like, "OW! OWWWW WHAT THE HELL?!"

He said, "Sorry."

He was so not sorry.

**1:24 pm**

I just bit my tongue.

And I didn't feel it.

How bizarre.

Shit, Dr. Evil is here. I hope he doesn't eat my brains.

**1:58 pm**

Praise Buddha, it's finally over!

Becca was like, "Nate, say thank you."

I said, "Thanks for what? Bringing me pain and agony?"

So then she forced me to. I said, "Thank you so much, Dr. Evil, for ripping up my gums and sticking sharp pointy things in my mouth. Thanks. Really. Thanks. It was loads of fun. We should do it again soon."

And he said, "You're welcome."

What. A. Douche.

**2:03 pm**

Dayum, I'm hungry.

**At Chili's**

I managed to convince Becca to take me to Chili's.

Mostly because I started crying.

I was like, "I'M SOOO HUNGRY! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!?!"

And she was like, "Stop yelling! I can't concentrate on driving!"

And I started kicking the back of her seat and cried.

So she drove to Chili's.

And I got a kid's menu.

And it has a picture of a panda on it.

**2:22 pm**

My tongue hurts…

**2:31 pm**

I got mac and cheese.

She said, "You like mac and cheese?"

I said, "Yea. Deff."

"That is so… third grade."

**2:36 pm**

Aw, fuckery, the goddamn novocaine 's wearing off…

**3:08 pm**

**Back at school**

**French class**

Becca forced me to go back to school.

Luckily, my last class of the day is French, so she'll get to listen to me bitch all day.

My mouth hurts…

I even told her that, but she still made me come back here. I was like, "Ugh, Becca, I feel like I'm gonna die. Take me home."

And she said, "No, you need an education. You already miss too much school as it is."

"So?"

"So you'll absence fail."

"So?"

"You're going back to school."

"You're just too lazy to take me back home, aren't you?"

"Shut the hell up, Nate."

**3:13 pm**

Ow. Ow. Ow.

I am in so much pain right now it's not even funny.

**3:45 pm**

We're watching a movie.

I sat in the middle of the classroom with my head down on my desk, moaning and bitching and complaining.

I kept calling out, "BECCA, I HATE YOU!"

And each time I said it, I got louder and louder until I was legit screaming.

And then she finally came over and said, "Nate, stop it."

"Becca, take me home."

"My name is Ms. Hoffman."

"No it isn't."

"At school it is."

Then I yelled rather loudly, "I HATE YOU, MS. BECCA HOFFMAN!"

And she pulled me out in hall when I called her a stupid bitch.

**3:47 pm**

"MISS BECCA HOFFMAN DEAREST! I HATE YOUR GUTS! THIS ISN'T FUNNY! PLEASE TAKE ME HOME! I NEED TO GO KILL JASON!"

**4:15 pm**

**Home. Finally.**

I kicked Jason. I said, "You did this to me!"

And then Becca pulled me off of him and grounded me.

So I am in my room. Grounded. She locked me in here.

**Grounded and ten minutes later**

I legit think I am dying.

Cause I was lying down on my bed and then I went to go to the loo, but I tripped over something on my floor and I fell and now I'm bleeding. A lot. From my mouth. I don't think this is healthy.

**Thirty seconds later**

Called Becca over the intercom. I said, "Becca, I'm dying!"

She said, "Put a sock in it! You're not gonna die! I'm sick of you already and it hasn't even been forty-eight hours since we've lived together!"

If I die today, she will feel so bad.

**4:27 pm**

The windows don't open here…

The door is locked…

And I think I'm dying.

**4:30 pm**

Intercommed Becca again.

I said, "Becca, I think I'm legit dying."

She said, "Not right now. I'm grading papers."

"No, really, I'm bleeding."

"Of course you are. The dentist said it was normal."

"He did?"

"Yea."

"Well how much is 'normal?'"

"Nate, I have to finish grading these papers…"

"Becca, if I die we're all gonna blame you!"

"Good!"

"Think of all the poor teenies that will be crushed when I, Nate Gray, son of Gene Simmons and Lauren Gray tragically dies because YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME!"

"Can't wait!"

**4:35 pm**

"Becca, I just threw up blood!"

"Congratulations…"

"No, really!"

"Yea, I believe you…"

No, I legit did.

It's pretty nasty looking on my white carpet.

**4:39 pm**

"Becca, I'm gonna die!"

"Good! Maybe then I'll be able to grade these papers!"

**4:40 pm**

I need more tissues. I already used them all trying to stop from bleeding all over my desk.

**4:42 pm**

"Becca, seriously, I'm getting really scared. This just doesn't seem right."

"Are you that type of person that worries about every stupid little thing?

"No."

"Yes you are. I get it, you're a teenager. When you're a teenager, it seems like every little thing is the end of the world."

"It will be the end of the world if I die!"

**4:56 pm**

"BECCA, BECCA, BECCA!"

"Nate! Stop calling my name!"

"Can you get me some Advil?"

"I'm busy…"

"Please, Becca, it really hurts."

"Fine, hold on a second."

Ugh, she's taking her sweet time getting me my drugs, isn't she?

**7:24 pm**

I died.

Just kidding.

Jay to the kay.

Becca unlocked my door and I was sitting in the corner of my room with a knife and an umbrella, just sitting there when she came. For no real reason, actually. I just felt like it. Cause I was bored.

So she walked in and she saw me, and she said, "NATE!" and ran over to me. And the grabbed the knife and the umbrella and said, "What the fuck are you doing?!"

I shrugged. "I dunno."

Then she looked at me. "There's dried blood all over your face."

"I know."

"What the hell did you do?"

"I threw up blood. I told you."

"Really? Like are you serious?"

"Yea. I'm legit." And then I spit some blood out of my mouth.

"How long have you been bleeding like that?"

"Ever since you locked me in my room… and I tripped and fell."

"Open your mouth."

"Oh, now suddenly everyone's a dentist…"

"Just do it, Nate!"

And so I did.

And she said, "I can't see anything; there's too much blood. Damn, you weren't kidding, were you!?"

I shook my head. "No. I wasn't. Maybe you should believe me next time, eh?"

Then she sighed. "Okay. Fine. I promise I'll believe you next time."

And then she felt my forehead. "You have a fever."

"I told you dentists were evil! He did this to me, you see!"

Anyway, she insisted that we go back there.

Turns out I managed to rip something or other. It was from falling. Damn me for being such a klutz. I always do stuff like this.

I had loads of fun at the dentist the second time today. But this time, more sharp and scary needles AND stitches.

Fun days with Nate and Becca.

**9:06 pm**

Dinner was an epic failure.

I am so freaking hungry right now.

Becca, Jason, and I all sat at the dining room table together, eating our pasta, but I couldn't eat because of the fact that my teeth feel like they're gonna kick my ass. And they are.

It was pretty depressing because I legit cried out in pain when I tried to eat mac and cheese.

I guess I will have to be fed through a tube from now on.

**9:08 pm**

Fuck. My. Life.

**11:42 pm**

Can't sleep.

I even took the pain drugs Dr. Evil gave me, but they didn't help one bit.

**12:39 pm**

Took a bubbly bath.

It didn't help.

**1:10 am**

Crying.

**1:23 am**

I went into Becca's room because I was completely and utterly upset. I am so hungry, but I can't eat, and these damn drugs and bubbly baths don't work.

She was like, "Nate, it's the middle of the night, why are you still up? And most importantly, why are you in my room?"

I just sniffled and wiped tears from my eyes.

Becca sat up. "Oh, Natey, why are you crying?"

"Because… of the dentist."

"Good god, you really hate him don't you?"

I nodded.

So she hugged me. "Hey, Panda, just try to go to sleep."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm traumatized forever. I'm gonna have scary nightmares tonight."

"I'm sorry."

I sniffled some more. "Can I sleep in your room with you?"

"Nate, you're fifteen…"

"Please, Becca!"

"No, Nate! That's so weird!"

"If I kill myself tonight, we all know who to blame!"

She sighed. "Fine. Got get your jimjams on and you can sleep in my room… oh my god, what are you? Seven?"

"Yes," I said and ran off in my room to get my jimjams on.

**Thursday, April 23**

**11:19 am**

I just woke up.

Last night was pretty weird.

I hopped in her bed and she said, "Oh my god, I never said you could sleep in my bed with me!"

I said, "Too bad!"

And I was trying to go to bed, but I kept sniffling.

Becca kept whispering, "Shut up… Shut up. SHUT UP!"

"WELL GUESS WHAT, MISSY? WE CAN BLAME ALL MY PAIN AND SUFFERING AND SNIFFLING ON YOU, BECAUSE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FORCED ME TO GO TO THE DENTIST!"

Then she scoffed.

And I sniffled some more.

It was actually really nice, good, cute, Nate\Becca bonding time.

But I eventually did go to sleep.

But it was so odd, cause when I woke up, the sun was shining and I woke up in Becca's bed, but she wasn't in the room.

Then Jason came in, holding a cup of coffee, and said, "Good morning, Nate."

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Eleven – ish."

"Why'd you let me sleep late? Isn't it Thursday?"

"Yea, but you seemed pretty sick when we woke you up at eight."

"Since when did you wake me up earlier? I don't remember this…"

"Yea, you were pretty out of it. We decided to let you sleep in."

"Who's we?"

"Me and Becca."

"Oh."

"Yea."

"Do I have to go to school today?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Oh, good."

Then Jason got all up in my business and felt my forehead. "You're warmer than you were earlier."

"Jason?"

"Yea?"

"Go away."

"Fine. Bye."

Now I'm gonna go back to sleep. Nighty night. Err… morning.

**1:20 pm**

I was trying to sleep, but there was this annoying dog barking, so I went outside and walked down the driveway and went right up to the gate. I yelled, "SHUT UP, YOU BIG LESBIAN!" at the dog across the street.

And then this strange lady walking down the street stared at me.

**Pandas need 15 reviews per chapter to live. Save the pandas. Review.**


	40. I just threw up a lego

**Chapter 40**

**Thursday, April 23**

**4:08 pm**

It feels like it's six in the morning. But it's not. Just woke up.

I slept in Becca's room all day. She came home and looked at me sleeping. She said, "What is up with you and liking to sleep in my bed?"

I mumbled half asleep, "We're married…"

"How are you feeling?"

"Why are you so annoying?"

"Why do you always have to be such an asshole? All I did was ask you a question."

"I'm hungry."

"What do you want to eat?"

"Food."

"Well, duh, but what kind?"

"I don't care. Anything."

So now she's getting me something to eat.

**4:20 pm**

Becca got me a hamburger with corn on the cob and fries.

I looked at it. Then at her. And back and forth.

"What?" she asked.

"Ummm…"

"Umm what?"

"I hope you do realise that it hurts me to eat mac and cheese."

"Oh."

"And besides, I'm vegetarian."

"Fine, I'll get you some soup."

"I hate soup."

"Mashed potatoes?"

"EW!"

"Fine! Starve!"

"Ugh, whatever, just give me the goddamn potatoes."

So now she's getting me potatoes that have been beat up.

**4:37 pm**

Mashed potatoes are shit.

Not the shit, but shit.

But it doesn't matter, because I'm so hungry I'll eat anything.

As long as it's vegetarian. And not soup.

**5:02 pm**

Becca wants to get pet birds.

I was like, "Yea… no… let's not."

**5:45 pm**

Went to the pet store with Becca. We bought three parakeets. They all had a spasm when we brought them home. And when we put them in their new cage. And when I accidently tripped over their cage. But I mean, it's on the floor of Becca's room, so it's really easy to trip over.

They're kinda cute. In an odd way.

I wish they would sing. They're not tweeting, or whatever.

In that case, maybe we should get them a Twitter.

**6:52 pm**

I was talking to the birds, trying to get them to sing for me, but instead I just fell asleep on the floor by the cage.

I woke up one time when Jason and Becca were standing over me, talking.

Jason said, "Oh, poor sick panda…" (Don't ask where the panda nickname came from, because I honestly have no idea.) Then he picked me up and carried me to my room and put me in my bed.

I pretended to be asleep, because if I was awake, he would have made me walk to my room, and I'm too lazy.

Anyway, he kissed my forehead and ruffled my hair before he left.

It was disgusting.

When he left, I wiped off the Jason spit and then fixed my hair.

Then I went back into Becca's room and now I'm gonna sleep in her bed.

**10:09 pm**

Becca woke me up at eight.

Gene and Mum had surprise visitors at our house and we went out to dinner.

She woke me up and said, "Why are you sleeping in my bed?"

I looked around. "I don't know how I got here…" (Lies, bee tee dubs.)

"Okay, well get up."

"No… tired…"

"Sorry, but we're all going out to dinner. Right now. You have to go, it's a family dinner."

"Why can't it be a family minus Nate dinner?"

"Nate… just get up."

So I bitched and complained, but I finally got up and I threw on some non-matching clothes and went downstairs with Becca.

We went in a limo to an Italian restaurant down town.

I fell asleep at the table.

Jason tried to keep me awake, but I was way too exhausted. So he just let me sleep. And then carried me out of the restaurant into the limo. And he and Becca stroked my hair in an oh-so annoying way, saying, "Oh, poor little baby panda."

It pissed me off to no end.

But I just let them keep doing it, because if I "woke up" they would make me walk back up my room, which I had no desire to do. So, Jason carried me back upstairs (which must have been a bitch, as I weigh over a hundred twenty pounds) and put me in my bed.

And then I went on Facebook.

**11:23 pm**

I'm gonna sleep in Becca's room tonight.

**1:44 pm**

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

I'M GONNA STRANGLE THOSE DAMN BIRDS!

They will not shut up!

Gah!

I was like, "Oh my god, Becca, control your birds!"

She said, "I'm trying to, but they won't shut up!"

And I started screaming into a pillow, which just made the birds chirp louder.

This is ridiculous!

**Friday, April 24**

**9:27 am**

**School**

I cannot believe Becca made me come to school today. I still feel like death.

She woke me up early this morning. And legit pushed me out of bed to wake me up. It was a bit mean.

**9:30 am**

In Tranny's class.

Bored.

We just took a test. I had no idea what it was about cause I've missed so much school, so I didn't take it. Tranny came up and talked to me and said, "Okay, so, you need to come to tutorials so I can teach you this stuff, blah, blah, blah…"

I didn't hear any of it as I was munching on some pretzels.

On the board, it says our homework. Our homework is to "Try to be a better person to those you have trouble getting along with! (Smiley face.)"

Ummm… okay…

**9:37 am**

She is so racist.

There's a kid named Jose in our class. He's Mexican, but he doesn't even speak Spanish. He was talking and stuff, and Ms. Transexual said, "Jose! No means no in Spanish, too!"

And everyone laughed.

**9:43 am**

Tess just broke the pencil sharpener.

She sat down at our desk all huffy, and I said, "Wow. Good job."

**10:11 am**

**French class**

I'm going to do something very redonkulously evil to Becca.

I just don't know what, yet.

**10:23 am**

Becca and I just had a debate in French so no one else could understand us.

We were talking about if Barney or Clifford The Big Red Dog was better.

I was getting really into it. OF COURSE BARNEY IS BETTER THAN THAT STUPID DOG!

I said, "Becca, no, Barney is a _dinosaur_. Dinosaurs can kick that dog's ass any day, any time."

Becca said, "Umm, excuse me, but Barney is a pedophile. Clifford is a nice, sweet, and sensitive dog. He has feelings."

"Who cares about feelings? Barney can rip that dog's head off!"

"But he would never."

"Oh, yes he would."

"WELL, BARNEY IS MICHAEL JACKSON IN DISGUISE!"

"Michael Jackson is a musical legend! You should know that, as you are the daughter of Gene Simmons!"

"Well you should know he's a creeper, as you are the son of Gene Simmons!"

"What does that have to do with anything!?"

"I don't know!"

"Face it, Becca, Barney pwns that dog and his stupid little Emily Elizabeth."

"Nuh huh!"

"Barney can kick Emily's stupid ass anyday!" Then I growled and lunged at her while saying, "PANDA ATTACK! Rawr!"

Then we both laughed and all the kids in the class looked at us like we were crazy. They were so confused. It was hilarious, plus also, great Nate and Becca bonding time. I seem to get along with her better than with my brothers.

My brothers are real assholes.

**10:35 am**

Someone just threw a stink bomb into Becca's classroom. It was a dead fish with all this shit sprayed on it. Not literal shit though.

The whole classroom and half of the room legit smelled like poop. Becca almost had a heart attack. Cause the dead fish hit her smack in the face.

**10:36 am**

Becca's going home at noon to take a shower and get the dead fish stank off of her.

I said, "BRING ME WITH YOU!"

She said, "No, Nate, you need to stay here and learn stuff."

"But Becca…"

"No buts."

"But I still feel sick."

"I don't care. You're staying here."

"Ugh, you suck. Just like that damn Clifford."

**12:00 pm**

Going home with Becca.

In my English class, I asked to go to the nurse and my teacher let me, so I did.

Turns out I have a fever.

IN YOUR FACE, BECCA!

No, legit. In her face. The stink bomb hit her in the face.

**Home**

I love leaving school early on Fridays.

When I got home, Jason was sitting in the living room. He made a disgusted face when we walked in, and said, "Good god, what is that smell?"

"Becca," I replied.

Jason looked over at her. "Damn, what happened?"

"Someone threw a dead fish at her!"

"What? Really?"

"Yea! It was hysterical! You should have heard her scream when it hit her!" Then I reinacted it.

Becca looked over at me with a really pissed off look on her face. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed, sick?"

I frowned at her. "Maybe…"

She pointed to the stairs. "Then go."

"Aww," Jason said, coming over to us. "Do we still have a sick panda?"

I nod and stick out my bottom lip all puppy-dog like. I fake sniffle.

He then hugged me and said, "Oh, poor little baby panda."

I pushed him away and scoffed. "Ugh, god, Jason, you're such a puke!"

Then I went upstairs. And hopped in Becca's bed.

She came in her room, looked at me, and said, "Get out."

I whispered, "Shhh… I'm asleep."

She rolled her eyes and went to go take a shower.

**4:06 pm**

Mum hired people to cut my hair when I was sleeping. I look like a total douche bag right now.

Mum said, "Oh, Panda, you look so cute!"

I said, "Mum, I look like a douche!"

"No, you do not."

Shane walked by, looked in the room, pointed at me, and said, "HAHA, DOUCHE!"

I turned to Mum. "You see?!"

"Oh, that's just Shane," she said. "He always says stuff like that."

**4:25 pm**

They just did my nails… ohmifuckinggod. They're taking away my masculinity.

**4:27 pm**

I am going to hire a dog whisperer.

I sure hope they're real.

Because I really want to know what Miley is thinking when she humps other girl doggies.

**4:55 pm**

Just asked Mum why they keep making me over.

It's cause we're going to a ball tonight.

To meet my wife.

Wow.

**5:02 pm**

I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Please don't make me go!

I'd rather go back to the dentist than to go meet her.

Well, not really.

**1:31 am**

Holding a ball at a fancy country club: Five thousand dollars.

Tuxedo: Three hundred dollars.

Decorations: Close to a thousand dollars.

The look on my face when I find out who my wife is: Priceless.

I just met my wife.

Yes. Legit.

So there I was. I arrived at the ball with my tux and my feather mask and I danced with a bunch of people, and Gene shoved this one girl at me and said, "This is her."

She was wearing this long blue and turquoise dress with crystals on them, and golden high heels. I danced with her and we talked and she said, "I guess you're the one I'm marrying."

I said, "Yeah."

"Do you have a name, oh masked one?"

"I do, actually. But half the fun of this is not knowing."

"You sound familiar."

"I don't think we've ever met."

We both danced around and flirted a bit. I thought, hey, why not flirt with her if we're gonna get married anyway? I was really nervous about flirting at first and she had all these great pick up lines, and I said – oh my god, you'll never believe this – I said, "I want to rape you with a rotten pickle."

She laughed.

So we hung out for an hour and ate some cookies.

As we were sitting down, she said, "On the count of three, let's take off our masks. The suspense is killing me."

"Fine."

"One…"

"Two…"

"Three!"

And then we both took off our masks…

**If you love me, and you know it, please review!**


	41. Gene Simmons The Lizard Killer

**Chapter 41**

**Friday, April 24**

**1:31 am**

We took off our masks.

My jaw dropped.

Standing in front of me was the one, the only, Tess Tyler.

We just looked at each other in disbelief.

Then we both said, "EWWWW!"

And I ran. I ran all the way over to my mum and said, "MUM, I CAN'T MARRY HER!"

She said, "Why not?"

"Because… because…" And I had to think of a good excuse. "Because I'm gay!" And I grabbed a dude and kissed him on the lips. And he was pretty surprised. Then he pushed me away and called me an asshole.

She said, "Oh, Panda, me and her mum go waaayyy back. You'll adore her. Don't worry."

"It's not that I hate her… it's just so weird. I mean, we go to school together, and… MUM, SHE'S A BITCH."

"Oh, shut up. Get over it. You're marrying her." Mum then walked away.

I groaned and went back over to Tess.

She just stared at me.

"Well, this isn't awkward one bit," I said.

Tess nodded. "I know."

Gene came up to us. "So how's the happy new couple?"

We both looked at him and groaned.

"Glad to see you're both so enthusiastic about this," he said and slipped me a ring. "Here. Wear it. You're officially engaged."

"This should be illegal!" I yelled as he walked away.

Tess put on the ring and examined it. "Well, at least it's big enough."

"Yea we got a big size, cause you have sausage fingers."

"No, I'm talking about the diamond, asshole."

"Yea, that too." Then I said, "Ugh, how am I gonna tell my girlfriend?"

She frowned at me. "You have a girlfriend?"

"Yea."

Tess scoffed. "YOU LITTLE CHEATING BASTARD!"

"We're not married yet."

"But we're engaged."

"So?"

"So we just got engaged and you're already cheating on me. I see how it is." Then she slapped me across the face, put her feather mask back on, and went to go talk to someone else.

Girls are such an enigma.

**1:47 am**

I went walking for no reason in the alley way.

I saw this bunny trapped in a cage. It was having this spaz attack and pounding up against the sides of the thing. So I let it out because I'm a Democrat.

Then I saw this creepy old guy staring at me. He said, "Did you just let that bunny out?"

He kinda creeped me out, so I just nodded and walked along faster.

"I was gonna kill that bunny! Damn it! It's been eating all my tomatoes!" he yelled at me.

"NO! DON'T KILL BUNNIES! I'M A VEGETARIAN! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

Then he went, "Arrghhh!" and started chasing after me as fast as his walker would let him, so I legit ran home and locked all the doors and windows.

**1:49 am**

I was trying out this speech recognition thing on my computer, and I was trying to tell it to type something, and this is what it wrote instead:

"Money in danger because of a Tranny."

Only my computer would write something like that.

**Saturday, April 25**

**10:15 am**

Apparently I sleep talk.

I was sleeping in Becca's room last night and she told me that while she was getting ready for bed, I called her name and then said, "Becca, you just sprayed your cheese stick into my Africa hole." Then I started crying and screaming. In my sleep. I also yelled, "THREE CANADIAN GEESE. THREE CANADIAN GEESE!"

I've been trying to figure out what it means ever since she told me about it.

It sounds slightly dirty if you think about it that way…

Maybe it's a prophecy. Maybe I'm supposed to go to Africa and give three poor, starving Canadian geese cheese sticks.

**10:23 am**

Do Canadian geese even live in Africa?

**Breakfast**

Mitchie looks like a whale. It's really scary. Like, she's almost as big as Octomum was. I sure hope Mitchie doesn't end up having eight kids like she did.

**10:33 am**

Becca wants to go to the zoo today.

I said, "Sure. Why not? Just as long as you don't put me on a kiddy leash." And then I glared over at Gene and he pretended like he didn't see me.

**At the zoo**

There are pandas here. I LOVE pandas. I want to be a panda so bad.

**2:12 pm**

You know how people can get sex changes? Well can people get a species change? If I really wanted to could I become a panda?

**2:13 pm**

How much would something like that cost?

**2:45 pm**

I bought a panda backpack!

**Home**

You will never believe this.

Jason's been going to medical school. He came home and said, "Ugh, I just took a really hard test."

I was like, "What for? Like a driving test?"

"No…"

"Then what test was it?"

"For my medical class."

"What medical class?"

"You don't know?"

"Don't know what?"

"I ONLY TOLD IT TO YOU ABOUT TEN THOUSAND TIMES!"

"I wasn't listening!"

"Ugh, oh my god. I've been going back to school."

"Legit?"

"Yea. Medical school."

"For how long?"

"WELL, ONLY FOUR YEARS."

"Nuh huh!"

"Yes huh!"

"I so don't believe you."

"Well, it's true. I'm gonna start interning for people soon, as long as I passed this test."

"What are you gonna do with your life?"

"I'm gonna be a dental assistant!"

I stared at him. And then laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

With all the seriousness in the world, he shook his head.

"Oh my god," I breathed and then ran upstairs.

If my brother wasn't already an asshole, he's gonna be a dentist, too. Which means triple asshole points for him. Just to let you know, he will not lay a finger on me. Or my teeth.

**4:03 pm**

My phone just rang.

**4:04 pm**

No one was on the other line. It pissed me off.

**4:45 pm**

So, if I were to kill all the dentists in the world, how would that work out?

I'll start with Jason. He's really pissing me off. Just like, everything he does just pisses me off beyond belief. Him and his stupid, "Oh, Nate, you have to brush your teeth ten thousand times a day!"

**9:54 pm**

I just got the song "The Climb" stuck in my head… Oh. My. God.

**10:01 pm**

I want a hot dog. Right now. Oh, no, cause then I'll be supporting killing cute little piggies like Ms. Tranny!

**10:12 pm**

Ooh, girl, I am so tired right now. I'm gonna go to bed.

**Sunday, April 26**

**9:29 am**

That was the single most saddest thing that has ever happened in the history of ever.

Okay, so we've had a problem with lizards in our house for a while, like I swear to god, I see at least twenty every hour. Anyway, Mum wanted to call an exterminator, but Gene didn't want the paparazzi to know that we had house problems or anything stupid like that, I don't know, so anyway, he did it himself.

And he put down these cardboard sheets with this sticky stuff on it, I have no idea what it was, but he got like a hundred lizards on two of them and then he had no idea what to do with it, so he put them in these trash bags and he took these cans of Lysol and just sprayed the whole can into one of the bags and I was like, "NO! STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A DEMOCRAT! SET THEM FREE!"

But he did it! He did it anyway! I was so pissed at him.

He like suffocated the lizards, and then he had to find a better way because it took like thirty minutes, so he took the other bag of lizards and he set them down in the driveway and just started running over them with his car! IT WAS HORRIBLE!

I am not talking to him. Ever again.

**9:58 am**

I just tripped over a plastic baggie on the floor. That shows how coordinated I am. I did a face plant right into the floor. And now my nose is hurt. I even teared up a bit. Or… a lot.

**11:22 am**

Ugh, I managed to break my nose.

I went into the kitchen to find the Advil and Jason was in there and him, being the creeper that he is, he went up to me and said, "Why is your nose all bruised?"

I said, "Oh, I tripped."

"Let me see it…" Then he touched my nose and I legit screamed, so he forced me to go to the hospital and I broke my nose.

It was so embarrassing because they were like, "What'd you do?"

And I said, "I, uh, tripped on a Ziploc baggie."

And they just looked at me and they tried to hold in their laughter.

It wasn't that funny…

**11:31 am**

I was sitting in the living room, watching TV, and Becca sat down next to me, stared at me for like five minutes, and then said, "Something's different."

I pointed to my nose.

"Ooh…" Then she paused. "What did you do?"

"Tripped."

"On what?"

"A plastic baggie."

Becca just stared at me. And then burst out laughing and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and then ran out of the room, laughing so hard she started tearing up.

**6:47 pm**

I was hogging the bathroom (for some reason, Mum only uses my bathroom, don't ask) and Mum was like, "Hey, asshole, hurry up! I gotta show to play!"

And I was like, "Hey, don't get your knickers in a knot! I'm almost done!"

"Fuck you! I hate you! You know, if you weren't born, I would have been the biggest porn star ever, and it's all your fault!"

And that got me thinking… Why the hell was I born?

**11:15 pm**

Today, we were waiting in this ridiculously long line to get into the Hard Rock Café, and it was just me, Shane, Mitchie, and Tess, so Shane was like, "Nate, cut yourself."

I was like, "WHAT? NO!"

"No, dude, come on, just do it!"

"I'm not gonna cut myself!"

Then Shane took a knife out of his pocket, grabbed my hand, sliced my finger, and I said, "Hey, what the hell was that for!?"

And then he started yelling, "EVERYONE MOVE! HE'S BLEEDING! HE HAS AIDS!" And, surprisingly, everyone moved. And we went straight to the front of the line. And we got a bandaid and a table.

They were playing KISS music videos and they also had these little collectable Gene Simmons pins. And I bought one.

All through dinner, we just talked about how much we hate everyone. Like Gene, and Mum, and Jason and Becca. Shane was like, "Let's run away!"

I said, "They'll find us. They always do."

"They'll never find me. I'm practically a ninja."

"I'm sure you are, Shane."

"You just watch me."

**Monday, April 27**

**11:30 am**

Shane ran away.

I woke up this morning and he and Mitchie were gone. I couldn't find them anywhere.

**11:42 am**

Shane texted me. He was like, "Hey, Nate, have they figured it out?"

"Figured what out?" I asked.

"That I ran away."

"Oh, I don't think anyone noticed yet."

"You need to come with me."

"Where are you?"

"Bangladesh."

"What the bloody hell?"

"Yea, we went to Bangladesh."

"That's not random at all…"

"We're planning on going to England. But we're waiting for you."

"Oh."

"Get Tess and leave tonight. I'm sending the jet. The plane driver knows where to go and everything. Don't tell anyone where you're going."

"I won't."

**12:58 pm**

Mum's reality TV show is, surprisingly, one of the top TV shows right now in the USA. It's so scary. There's already like ten episodes so far. I've watched one. They have a clip of me snoring and Becca pointing to me, rolling her eyes.

That is so embarrassing.

**Midnight**

I just packed what I can fit in my panda backpack and I am about to leave right now.

Now I just got to think of a way to sneak out of the house without anyone noticing.

**1:20 am**

I'm on a boat. I'm on a boat.

No, legit, I'm on a boat. A mother fucking boat.

The jet couldn't land on the island we were on, so I have to go to a different one. On a boat.

**Tuesday, April 28**

**4:25 pm**

So… tired…

**5:11 pm**

Sleeping on a plane is one of the most epically failing things I've ever tried to do. It's just impossible to sleep on things that are in the air.

**8:34 pm**

I'm pretty much creeped out by Bangladesh so far. I don't know why, but this place gives me the creeps. This hotel is just not very… classy.

**There's no clock in here but it's dark out**

I've been traveling all day and night. We're on a plane now, flying to Europe. We've decided on going to England.

You know what, screw it. I'm gonna sleep. I feel like I'm gonna die of exhaustion.

Dayum, running away is such hard work.

**Friday, May 1**

**1:28 pm**

Jason has called me at least fifty times.

He keeps calling me, in tears, saying, "Please, Nate, please come home. Or at least tell me you're safe. Call me." I haven't ever picked up the phone, so he just leaves endless voicemails.

Don't even get me started on the emails he has sent me and Shane.

**1:32 pm**

Shane threw his phone out the window of the hotel we're at. He's so sick of it ringing. He also threw my phone out the window.

**1:35 pm **

Ugh. Shane.

He downloaded a bunch of porn on my computer and I just found it. I opened one of the videos, wondering what it was, and it so gross. I turned it off within like three seconds. It was disgusting. Shane walked behind me and said, "Ooh, what are we watching?"

I closed the video and said, "Did you do this?"

"Did what?"

"Put all this porn on my computer?"

Then he laughed and walked away. He so put it on there. What a pervert.

**Sunday, May 3**

**2:39 pm**

Shane made us fake IDs so that we could start new lives. It's like we're on the witness protection program or something.

We decided that Jason would find us in England, so we moved to France. We're gonna be Frenchies! I'm so excited. You don't even know how excited I am. We're living in Paris.

Oh my god, I'm gonna go buy some bread at the _boulangerie. _Because I can do that now.

**A\N: My good friend Kimberley made me a cover for this book and there's a link to it on my profile page. Go check it out! It's way legit! Oh, and review!**


	42. Home Sweet Home

**Chapter 42**

**Sunday, May 3**

**3:00 pm**

Shane just threw up on me. That. Is. So. Gross. I'm gonna go take a shower.

**3:42 pm**

I find it odd. Despite all the drugs Shane has done, he has never gotten sick, but here where he has no drugs, he's sick.

He's laying on the couch, hollering out, "SOMEONE GO GET ME SOME WEED!"

I have NO idea what to do. Where the bloody hell do I find drugs around here? Shane knows everything, and I legit know nothing. Gah, what am I gonna do? Shane needs his drugs to function.

**4:56 pm**

Went out to go buy some groceries, but for some reason, none of my credit cards worked.

It seems as if someone has cancelled all of our credit cards…

**4:58 pm**

Shane just snorted a pixie stick.

**Tuesday, May 5**

**5:15 pm**

This is getting really bad. I'm down to my last ten Euros and none of our cards work, oh and Shane keeps getting sicker every day. I'm getting really worried. We can't take him to the doctor's because we have no money.

I have no idea what to do in a situation like this. I feel like I'm some poor kid in Africa who can't afford a loaf of bread. Which I kinda can't.

**5:33 pm**

How do I go about finding a job?

**5:34 pm**

Scratch that. Me plus doing something productive equals a disaster.

**Thursday, May 14**

**9:14 am**

It's been a week and a half almost. I've been so goddamn busy with work. Yes. I work. At friggin' McDonald's. I work my ass off and I only get five Euros an hour. And too bad so sad, Mitchie's a fucking fat ass and eats ten Euros worth of food an hour.

Just today, I couldn't afford a loaf of bread. WE USED TO BE UPPER CLASS! I want to cry. This is so depressing.

Oh and what makes it just so much more fantabulous, is that Shane keeps getting worse and I don't know what to do anymore. None of us want to go back home, but then again, we're really having a shitty time here.

Is it even worth it?

**10:10 am**

Turned on the TV. Watched Mum's reality TV show. It was the episode where they find out we all are missing. All Jason does is cry and Mum pretends calls people, and pretends to be concerned. Even Becca was crying.

It was really upsetting.

I cried.

I cried even harder when Jason said to the camera, "Guys, if you're watching this, please, please, come home."

It made me feel like a huge asshole. Jason looked legit depressed.

**12:01 pm**

Tried to get Shane and Mitchie to agree to go home. They are refusing times a million. They keep saying. "We'll make it. We don't need anyone. We are perfectly fine on our own!"

**Saturday, May 16**

**10:53 am**

It is officially bad.

Shane is still not better and we got evicted from our apartment for not paying rent. Now we're living in our car.

We are officially hobos.

I want to go home so bad.

**5:12 pm**

Wow, I never knew how boring being a hobo could be. But guess what? I wrote a song! It goes like this:

"Sometimes I really want to go home, but then Shane will kick my ass, so I must stay here in Paris, France! I still hate Octomum, she's such a stupid slutty whore!"

The end.

I deserve a Grammy.

**6:50 pm**

That's it. I'm calling Jason to come take us home. It was fun and all, trying to live by ourselves, but I'm legit starving to death. This has to end. Now.

**6:51 pm**

I found a rubber band in the middle of the street. I'm gonna name him Bob.

If anyone breaks Bob, I will kill them.

**6:55 pm**

I need to go steal some money for a pay phone.

**7:23 pm**

Called Jason.

He had a spaz attack when I called. And he cried. And yelled at me. And now he's coming right now to take us home.

**1:52 am**

Waiting for Jason, we're waiting for Jason. Lalalalala waiting for Jason.

**2:13 am**

When the bloody hell is he gonna be here?

There is legit no room in the car because Shane is laying down in the backseat and Mitchie is so fucking fat.

**Monday, May 18**

**Home**

**1:00 pm**

We had a bit of a family reunion when we got home. Becca cried a lot and so did Jason.

Mum said, "Glad you're back. I'm gonna go get my nails painted." Then she was walking out the door, but she saw Shane throw up, and she said, "Ew. What's your damage?"

Even though Mum doesn't really care about us, it's great to be home. And to have money.

I'm gonna go take a bubbly bath. I smell like a hobo. Which I guess was to be expected.

**1:17 pm**

Jason walked in one me while I was in the bathtub. He didn't even bother to knock and I was in the nuddy pants. (Luckily the bubbles were covering everything up.) But he just came in and started to talk to me.

He said, "Hey, are you alright?"

I nodded.

"I was so worried about you. I thought something horrible happened. Even Mum was worried. … Kinda."

**1:36 pm**

You know who I really want to punch in the face right now?

Simba.

**1:44 pm**

Hakunah Matata!

Yea, I'm watching the Lion King. Jealous? Me and Becca are watching it in my room.

**3:30 pm**

Fell asleep while watching the Lion King. It felt so nice to sleep in my custom-made, folding, heating, Tempurpedic bed. I really missed my bed. And my giraffecow. I think Giraffecow missed me too.

**3:31 pm**

Yea, he deff missed me.

**7:06 pm**

Ugh. Jason and Becca are forcing me to go to school tomorrow. I really, really don't want to go.

**7:09 pm**

Shane is sleeping in my room cause I have the best bed. He's gonna get his sick germs all over my bed and it's gonna suck.

**8:32 pm**

Ate some mac and cheese for dinner. Bitched to Becca about going to school tomorrow.

**9:17 pm**

Okay I'm off to bed. I'm way too tired and I have school tomorrow. Ugh. I'll try not to get sick with whatever Shane has, but it's gonna be hard if he keeps coughing in my face…

**Tuesday, May 19**

**8:11 am**

It was so hard to wake up this morning. I had this weird dream that for some reason, Joe Jonas was dying and I went on tour with the Jonas Brothers and I saved their lives. It was so odd.

**10:23 am**

Ms. Tran is so racist.

Some chick got her wallet stolen, and so she had everyone empty their pockets and she searched all the black kids to make sure they didn't steal it. She didn't even search me cause she knew I would have no desire to steal anything cause I already have money.

**10:26 am**

Ugh, I feel like hell. My throat hurts and I have a headache.

Tess called me a wimp when I asked her to turn in a paper for me because I felt dizzy.

She said, "Goddamn, you wimp. I have to marry YOU of all people?"

I told her she was a cunt.

**10:45 am**

Tranny is a nosy bitch. She looked at Tess's engagement ring and said, "Whoa, that's a really pretty ring!"

Tess said, "Thanks," and sat back down next to me.

Then Ms. Transexual walked over to our table and I had my head down on my desk and my matching ring was showing out in the open. (Okay, don't ask, but Gene had 'Nate and Tess' engraved onto our rings.) So she was like, "Nate, you have one that looks like hers!"

And I was half asleep when she said that so I was like, "Mmm hmmm…"

Then that nosy bitch grabbed my hand to look at it. She said, "What does it say?" And she read it. "Nate and Tess?"

Tess was like, "Yea, we're engaged."

Ms. Tranny just kinda looked at her.

"Trufax," I said. Then I growled, "Sadly…"

"Wait, are you serious?" she asked.

I nodded. "Isn't it horrific? I hate her. She's so ugly."

Tess then punched me in the side and I legit screamed and punched her back. Then we got in this huge fight and she tackled me to the ground and we knocked over a table, and Ms. Tran had to pull us off each other.

Tess said, "NATE, I'M GONNA CUT YOU!"

Then Ms. Tran gasped and said, "TESS! Watch your mouth! Words lead to actions! And guys, you're getting married. You really shouldn't be beating each other up. "

And guess what?

Everyone heard.

Everyone knows Tess and I are engaged.

This is fuckery.

**11:34 am**

I want to go home sooo bad.

I feel like I'm gonna die.

**12:12 pm**

At lunch, Chuck turned to me and said, "So, I hear you're engaged."

I put my head down on the picnic table and said, "Don't remind me…"

**12:14 pm**

Goddamn, why are these Sudoku puzzles so hard?!

That's what she said.

… That didn't really work as well as it did in my mind.

**French class**

_Omelette__ du __fromage__. _

**1:49 pm**

Sometimes, late at night, I have this crazy fantasy of taking a baby's skin and putting it on my face.

**1:18 pm**

OH GODDAMN, I HAVE A LURKER!

**1:50 pm**

I'm going home.

I threw up in French class, and so now I'm in the nurse's room or office or whatever, waiting for the end of this class period so that Becca can take me home. She has the rest of the day off.

**1:53 pm**

This is gonna sound really weird, but I'm so bored I'm thinking of the weirdest things.

My three favourite smells are: Dirt, Home Depot, and the computer lab.

I have no idea why I like those smells, but I do.

**2:15 pm**

In the car. Driving home. Becca was like, "Why do you always get sick?"

"Because school hates me."

**2:56 pm**

Jason was so proud of himself for cleaning out the fridge.

He said, "Look! I cleaned the fridge! Isn't it beautiful?"

I said, "It's quite orgasmic," and then went upstairs.

**7:59 pm**

I just spent 20 minutes getting ready for school, except, it's almost night. I hate naps and my alarm clock, since I can't differentiate between 7:55 am or pm.

**Wednesday, May 20**

**9:20 am**

I decided to do something nice for Tess, but it backfired. I put up a sign on her locker that said "LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID" (loves cake. The 'loves cake' is implied, bee tee dubbs.), and then this fat woman came up and tore it off.

**8:32 pm**

Jason signed me up for driving school. I'm really excited that I'll be able to drive (legally).

I was talking to Shane about it, and he said, "Nate, in driving school, you will see cum, you will sit in cum, and you will get cummed on."

More great words of advice from Shane.

**Dear readers: Sorry for the wait. Maybe if you reviewed, you would have gotten this chapter earlier.**


	43. Nick Jonas?

**Chapter 43**

**Thursday, May 21**

**8:21 am**

Ugh, Becca had to leave early, so I had to leave early. She's doing tutorials, and I'm sitting in the back of her room, watching YouTube videos on my iPhone.

I got like no sleep last night. Shane and Mitchie were having sex, and they were being rather loud. I still sleep in Becca's room, and so we were bitching about them all night long.

Then I bitched about the birds, because I guess they got aroused by Smitchie's sex noises and they started chirping along. It was disgusting.

**8:44 am**

Fell asleep. Becca woke me up and I had to run to homeroom before I was late.

I ended up being late.

Got a detention.

**8:45 am**

Why do I have a feeling today's gonna suck balls?

Oh, wait, I know. Cause every day sucks balls.

**12:13 pm**

Some asshole pushed me down in the hallway and my pencil box exploded and so did my binder. Everything fell out. In Tranny's class, I realised that one of the sheets I lost just so happened to be a take-home quiz. Got a zero on that. I was late and they did this lame-ass thing called a "tardy sweep" where all the teachers lock their doors, and if you're caught outside, you get a Saturday school.

Another Saturday school for me…

Damn it, I already have three!

**12:16 pm**

Just got made fun of for marrying Tess…

**3:39 pm**

Well, at least ONE good thing happened today.

I was sitting all alone at lunch (no, this is not the good thing) because all my friends were on a field trip for this class I wasn't taking.

Well, Becca baked brownies and she sat down with me at lunch because she saw me sitting all alone, and we ate them together. They were quite amazing.

**9:07 pm**

I got extremely pissed off at Becca in the car (cause she told me Jason was making me go to the dentist tomorrow) and so I had her pull over and I decided to walk the rest of the way home. Well, I was crossing the street and this car slams right into me and I fall to the ground cause it fucking hurt. I mean, they weren't going really fast, seeing as they were about to turn into a neighbourhood, but I still did scrape my knee.

So I was like, "HEY, ASSHOLE, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING!"

And this dude comes out of the car to help me up. And he looks just like me. And I stare back at him. It was Nick Jonas. Nick Jonas ran over me with his car.

He apologized and then said, "Am I looking in a mirror?"

"I was thinking the same thing," I said.

It was so odd. Me and him could pass as legit twins. It's freaky scary.

So then we started talking and he was telling me about how much he hated his life and he was trying to run away, and I told him running away is an epic failure.

He said, "I wish I could just switch lives with someone. My life sucks ass."

"Mine too."

"You know what'd be awesome?"

"Huh?"

"If you pretended to be me and I pretended to be you. Just for a few days."

"That would be so fucking kick ass."

"Hey, let's do it."

"Legit?"

"Yea. I'm being serious. I'll teach you everything you need to know to be me, and you can teach me what I need to know to be you."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Yea. I need to take breather."

"Me too."

So I think we're gonna do it. I have his phone number and we're gonna meet up at Maggie Moo's tomorrow at noon.

**Friday, May 22**

**The day I switch lives with Nick Jonas**

**9:27 am**

Oh, Buddha, please save me from the evil dentist!

This is a legit FML moment. Jason is creeping me out beyond belief. I'm at the dentist right now and he's interning as a dental assistant (ugh, I know) and so he's here and it's just so weird. I can't take him seriously. He's my brother.

**9:38 am**

Oh goody day. I get to get my stitches out next week…

**11:33 am**

Time to plan my escape to Maggie Moo's.

Hazah! I shall leave during lunch! Afterall, I can just run away from the park. No one will notice. Or care.

**4:15 pm**

Hey homies! Nick Jonas in the hizzouse!

Yes, legit. I am Nick Jonas. I am in his shoes. Like literally. I'm wearing his clothes. (Which are kinda doucheish, by the way.) We had to trade clothes to make it look more legit.

Anyway, we went to Maggie Moo's and over ice cream, we discussed our lives. I told him about school and my family and Gene Simmons, yada yada. He told me that I should just shut the bloody hell up during interviews, and 'please try and use an American accent.' I told him to use an English accent.

Dayum, American accents are really hard…

But guess what? I got Nick's car. So I can kinda sorta not really drive now!

**5:31 pm**

Oh, hot damn, Nick's brothers look exactly like mine…

**9:55 pm**

Nick called me, freakin' out.

He was like, "HOW COME I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR MUM?!"

I said, "Ohhh, yea. Cause they only speak French. Just tell them you want to speak English for a bit."

"Okay. And, uh, why is Gene Simmons at your house?"

"He's my dad. Don't talk to him. You hate him."

"But I'm a huge Gene Simmons fan."

"No you're not."

"Fine… Gosh…"

**3:17 am**

Just got a phone call from Nick.

He said, "Nate, oh my god."

"What?" I asked, half asleep.

"I think… I think your brother's having sexual intercourse."

"Yea, he probably is."

"He's not married, is he?"

"Uh… no."

"Then why is he doing that?!"

"Because he can. Listen, Nick, just go sleep in Becca's room. Bitch to her about it. Not to me."

Then I hung up. Now I'm going back to bed.

**Saturday, May 22**

**10:01 am**

Nick's mum woke me up for breakfast. I said, "Jason, go away…"

She was like, "Nick? Who's Jason?"

And I opened my eyes and remembered that I wasn't Nate anymore. And I put on my American accent, and said, "Oh, hi Mommy."

Then I went downstairs and slammed my head down on the table out of exhaustion.

Joe and Kevin just stared at me.

Then I said, "Bloody hell, my head hurts," in my English accent. And then coughed and said like an American, "Oh, dude I think I'm coming down with something."

Kevin was like, "You've been acting really strange lately. What's up?"

I shook my head. "Nothing."

Then "Dad" put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. Too bad so sad, I'm vegetarian. So I just kinda stared at it. Then I got a text message from Nick. It said, "Nate! What is this Saturday school thing?! It sucks!"

I was texting him back, but "Mom" said, "Honey, no texting at the breakfast table," and she took my phone from me.

This family is rather strange, I must say.

**10:43 am**

I went back upstairs to go back to sleep, but right in the middle of my deep slumber, Joe woke me up. What an asshole. I muttered, "_Merde,_" when they made me get up. Then Joe just kinda looked at me and said, "You've been acting so strange lately. What has gotten into you?"

I said, "Oh, go stick a dildo up your big loose asshole and get over it!"

He looked quite taken aback.

Yea, I can be really grumpy in the morning.

**5:20 pm**

Well that was kinda really horrible.

I had to host some Kiwi radio station with Kevin and Joe… and Miley Cyrus.

We sat in the radio place and then while we were on the air, Miley came in late and she said, "Hey guys!"

I groaned rather loudly and said, "OH NO. NOT HER. PLEASE TELL ME THIS BITCH ISN'T DOING THIS WITH US."

Then Kevin hit me and Miley just stared at me.

Well, they were interviewing us, and of course Miley was talking about herself for five years, so I fell asleep and when I started snoring, someone hit me, so I woke up, startled, and said, "Oh hot damn, guys, I'm awake. Don't get your knickers in a knot."

After a bit, I had to piss. So I said, "Hey, where's your loo?"

Some dude said, "You mean the restroom?"

"What the hell is a 'restroom?'"

When he said that, I imagined this room with these TV's and beanbags. Then I realised that stupid Americans call the loo a 'restroom.' Like, do they rest on the toilets? It's so odd.

Anyway, I went to this mysterious restroom, did my business, and when I came back, I flicked water on Miley and said, "Oh, don't you hate it when you piss on your hands?"

Miley screamed, "EWWWW!" and jumped out of her chair.

Kevin told me to knock it off. My "mum" and "dad" shook their heads and stared at me. Joe tried not to laugh.

Now we're on a plane, flying to America.

**8:49 pm**

Threw up on Joe.

I accidently ate some sushi and I hate sushi, and so I barfed all over the person who was sitting next to me, which just so happened to be Joe.

He was like, "Dude! What the crap!?"

Then I ran to go throw up some more in the loo on the plane and "Mom" was like, "Oh, Nick honey, are you sick with something?"

I finished throwing up and then said, "Oh, no, I just fucking hate sushi."

She was kinda appalled that I said fuck, but I think she got over it when I hopped on the couch and took a nap.

**9:18 pm**

I am watching "Lilo and Stitch," which is the stupidest movie in the world.

**9:20 pm**

"Dad" just told us that we should sleep, cause we have a concert tomorrow.

Are we going to a concert or something?

**Sunday, May 23**

**8:05 am**

It's way too early to be up.

**12:12 pm**

OH MY GOD WHAT SORT OF CRAZY FAMILY IS THIS?!

I just sat through a three hour Christian church thing. It was so fucking boring! I even turned to "Mum" and said, "Ugh, this is so fucking boring. Can we please leave?"

She took me out in the hall and reprimanded me about my behaviour. And about swearing in God's church. Then she slapped my wrists. It really hurt.

**After lunch**

They wanted me to do chores.

"Mum" said, "Nick, it's your turn to do the dishes."

I raised my eyebrows. "Unless 'the dishes' is codename for some skanky ho, I ain't doin' it."

**1:37 pm**

I ended up doing the dishes. And it was not a skanky ho. It was dishes dishes. Like as in plates. And then as punishment for swearing, they made me take out the trash and clean the toilets. I did what I always do at school when they try to punish me – I fell to the floor and had a temper tantrum.

They then took away the TV in my room.

**3:41 pm**

Nick texted me. He said, "You never told me you played an instrument! I made a fool out of myself in your lesson today!"

I told him, "Whoops. Oh, and bee tee dubs, I got you in trouble. Sorry."

**9:30 pm**

Fail. Fail. Epic fail.

Turns out, I was performing at that concert. In front of thousands of screaming teenies. Chanting my name. Well, Nick's.

I was backstage, trembling, about to go on stage with a guitar (an instrument which I've never played before in my life) and I got a text from Nick. It said, "NATE! THE CONCERT! I'm watching it live on Disney Channel right now!"

I texted him back, "Fuck, what do I do?!"

But then someone pushed me onstage before I could get a text back and we went on the stage with all this music and firey explosions, and we like came out from the ground. And there I was with Nick's guitar, having no clue what to do.

Then I guess I was supposed to sing or something, because Joe and Kevin both looked at me when there was this awkward silence, and I made some sort of awful sound on the guitar and then everyone looked at me all confused and I said into the microphone. "I can't… I can't do this." And I looked around at everyone. No one screamed. The music stopped. And they all stared at me.

I then said, "Oh my god, I'm gonna hurl," and I ran off and threw up behind the drum kit. It was so nasty cause my microphone was still on and the sound of me barfing was over the loud speaker and you could hear me whisper, "Oh, bloody hell!"

And then all of the sudden, the not-so bitchy Miley Cyrus ran onstage and said, "How y'all doin'?!" And all the little kiddies went crazy. Then I threw up again. And everyone heard it. It was kinda comical if you think about it.

Then, Miley started singing the song I was supposed to sing while I went backstage and people crowded around me, getting the barf out of my hair.

For the rest of the concert, I stayed backstage in the lounge and then Miley came back and she whispered, "I know it's you, Nate."

DUN DUN DUN!!

And that was like a minute ago and now she's changing back into her real clothes. So we'll see where that takes us…

**Note from Nate: **Fifteen reviews or I'll never update again. Thanks bye.


	44. And the moral to the story goes

**Chapter 44**

**Monday, May 24**

**9:46 pm**

Miley dragged me off into her dressing room and she was like, "Okay, what the hell?"

I said, "What?"

"Nate, why the hell are you pretending to be Nick Jonas?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Okay, cut the shit. I know it's you. Nick Jonas would never play a wrong note on guitar."

"Well maybe it's because I'm sick…"

"And I see your scar."

"What scar?"

She pointed to my leg. "That scar. It's in the shape of an 'M'. I carved it in you, remember?"

Then I growled at her. "Okay, fine, so maybe we kinda switched places."

"Now why the hell would you do something like that?"

"Hey, I don't know, it was his idea!"

"Ugh, you guys are such idiots…"

"Yea, I know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nick is back in Kiwi-a-gogo land, and I didn't know I'd have to perform or anything. Miley, please help me. What do I do?"

"Well, you could always tell the truth."

Then I scoffed and said, "Yea, right."

"Well… you could… OH I KNOW. You'll lip sinc and just stand there and look pretty."

"Ok. Good. BUT PLEASE, DON'T TELL ANYONE!"

"I'm not gonna tell anyone."

I sure hope she doesn't tell anyone.

**10:17 pm**

They try to make me go to rehab, but I say 'no, no, no.'

That's Shane's theme song.

Or… "Then I got high."

**10:19 pm**

My fake family is awfully worried about me. I thought they would be really pissed off, but they were like, "Oh, Nick, are you sick? Why don't you go to bed? Should we get you a doctor?"

I told them, "It was just stage fright. I've never done this before."

Then "Mom" looked at me funny and said, "Are you delirious? You've performed millions of times…"

Then I said, "Yea, maybe I am. I should just go lie down or something…" and I went over to the couch and lied down. And fake Mom felt my forehead. I don't have a fever or anything, so she looked kinda confused when I wasn't warm.

**11:24 pm**

Joe Jonas has got to be one of the most annoying people I've ever met in my whole entire life.

We're on the tour bus right now, driving to god knows where, and he just keeps on ranting away about some skanky ho he met the other day.

**3:54 am**

Nick called me at eleven thirty and said, "Umm… your mom just called me a useless skanky crack whore."

I said, "Yea, sounds like something she would say."

"Why does your mom talk to you like that?!"

"Just call her a bitch."

"WHY WOULD I DO THAT?! It's rude!"

"No it isn't. She also loves being called a dirty stripper."

"I'M NOT SAYING THAT!"

"Why not? She loves it, I promise."

"How the crap…?"

"Look, look, just call her a juicy porn star. She'll love you. It's a compliment to her."

Then I hung up and Joe looked over at me and said, "Uhh… who were you talking to?"

I said, "No one." And turned away to go back to sleep.

Then at two in the morning, my phone rang again and I answered it with a sleepy, "Whaaattt?"

Nick was like, "Uh, we have a problem."

"What is it?"

"Shane is disgusting."

"Yea. I know."

"No, I mean like, he came into my room and started masturbating. Then he turned to me and said, 'Oh, sorry, do you mind?' And I was like, 'Uhh…. Yea.' And then he kept doing it."

"Sounds like something he would do."

"How do I make him go away?! He's still doing it, too and I'm freaking out."

"Just go into Becca's room. Sleep with her tonight."

"EWWW, SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AS YOUR SISTER!?!?!??!"

"Oh my god, you sound like it's the end of the world. Just hop in her bed. She doesn't mind."

"I'll just go sleep in one of your guest rooms…"

"Good luck. Mitchie and Shane always have sex in the guest rooms."

"Uhhh… the couch?"

"Well, actually, ummm… one time, Miley had a little accident on the couch..."

"Ok, I'll sleep on the floor."

I think he ended up sleeping on the floor… What an idiot.

**Tuesday, May 25**

**10:07 am**

I want to become a unihorn.

And, yes, a unihorn. Not a unicorn. It doesn't make sense to call a unicorn a unicorn. I mean, they don't have one corn, they have one horn.

**3:44 pm**

Me plus sports equals a huge disaster.

Apparently, these Jonas people like to play sports. We went to a golf course and they handed me these huge clubs and I was like, "What the fuck do I do with this?"

And I watched Kevin and Joe do this mysterious 'golfing' thing first, and then I tried to copy them, but I managed to lose control of the golf club and it flew across the way and hit Kevin in the head. It knocked him out. Everyone was kinda pissed at me, but Kevin was like, "It's okay, I'm fine…" But you could tell he was sorta pissed.

It was so embarrassing.

No more sports for me. They're playing baseball, and I'm safely sitting off to the side, watching.

**5:13 pm**

SKAWESOME!

I really want these pathetic little 'Jonas Brothers' to do some kick ass music. I was listening to them rehearse their songs and I was like, "Dudes, we need to add some cuss words in this shit."

And Kevin said, "Uhh… Disney might be mad."

Then I said, "No, no. Scratch that. I say we do some ska!"

"Ska?"

"Yes. Ska. Someone get me a trombone."

Then someone handed me a trombone and Joe said, "Uh, Nick, are you out of your mind?"

I looked at him and said, "Why, yes I am."

And I started playing this kick ass ska song and I played trombone and sang at the same time. (Okay, well I stopped playing to sing.)

I changed up the words to one of my favourite ska songs. So I sang, "_There's a Disney band, they live on my street. A little Disney band and everyone thinks they're so fucking neat. Cause every thing that they do is so fucking cool, every song is a hit and the girls like them too. I can't do that, so I'm giving up again. And I know, that everything sucks yea! I know that everything sucks, whoa-oh! This is gonna be the last time you hear me complain!"_

Everyone was speechless after my little performance.

Then I was like, "Aight, hoes, where's the trumpets? I need some goddamn trumpets to get this shit going. Fuck this 'A Little Bit Longer' song, we're doing 'Everything Sucks' tonight! And who the hell wrong that shit 'A Little Bit Longer' song, anyway? They deserve to be shot."

They all looked at me, completely silent.

Joe then said, "Nick, holy hell, I didn't know you played the trombone."

**11:29 pm**

That was radical.

I went onstage and Miley set it up where I didn't have to sing or play or anything, and then I had her turn on my microphone when we did an encore. I said, "Hey, guys! I'm gonna play a completely new and totally different song for you!"

And everyone went crazy.

I went backstage to get my trombone, and Joe said, "Nick! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

I said, "You'll see."

I went back on stage and stood in the middle. I yelled, "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

All the little girls screamed. I smiled. Then I played the intro to 'Slow Down.'

I looked back and saw Kevin practically hyperventilating backstage and pulling his hair.

I started singing this chill part. I basically mashed all the best ska songs together. It started off all cool and chill. _"Slow down, you've got to slow down, and taaakeee itttt eaaasssyyy…"_ Then I started playing trombone faster and faster and said, "ONE, TWO, THREE FOUR! _Comin' to you now, from the money cow, living large in space. Take your wallet out, all the dingoes shout, 'we'll eat your baby mate.' Baaakkiingggg… A CAAAAKEEEE!!!" _Then I just went crazy and went, "WWWOAAAAA!!!"

Then I played this kick-ass trombone solo and sang, _"You told that son of a bitch, to get out of your place, or you'll punch in his face. You put the telephone down when the bad news came. You've got to make it stop. STOP!"_

And then I stopped in this whole little dramatic pause with my arms kinda in the air. And a couple people screamed. Then I winked at them.

Then I started playing this really cool upbeat thing and sang, _"There's a Disney band. They live on my street. A little Disney band, and everyone thinks they're just so fucking neat! Cause everything they do is so fucking cool, every song is a hit and the girls like them too! I can't do that so I'm giving up again! I KNOW, THAT EVERYTHING SUCKS, WHOA, I KNOW THAT EVERYTHING SUCKS, YEA!" _I stopped here and sang really mellow and awesome, _"Take it easy, slow it down." _Clap, clap. _"Take it easy, slow it down…"_ (Times three.) Really cool trombone thing.

And I stopped, and said, "Whoa, that was so skawesome!"

Most people screamed.

I bowed and blew kisses and said, "Thank you all! Good night!" And I ran off backstage.

Kevin and Joe just stared at me with their eyes wide, and "Mom" was burying her face in her hands. "Dad" was shaking his head.

I was like, "What?"

Kevin said, "I cannot believe you just did that…"

Miley looked shocked. She slapped me across the face and said, "Nate, what the fuck was that!?"

But it doesn't matter because that was sooo cool!

**11:50 pm**

In the hotel room.

I was looking around for some hot chicks to fuck, but I couldn't find any, so I went back in the room where Joe and I were sleeping in and said, "Ugh…"

Joe was like, "What?"

"I'm so upset."

"Why?"

"I want to get laid."

"Umm… Good luck."

"But how can I fuck a bitch? The bitches aren't even on this floor."

**12:42 am**

_La, la, la! Everybody's drunk! __Everybody's drunk tonight._

**Wednesday****, May 26**

**9:55**** am**

Me and Joe have serious hangovers.

Wow, what a night. How can you stay in a hotel all alone without getting into the alcohol? Me and Joe got so wasted. It was so much fun.  
Except now it kinda sucks. My head is killing me.

And plus also, Kevin is totally pissed off. That dude can smell alcohol a mile away.

When he found us passed out with beer in our hands, he gave us a rant on 'purity rings.'

I was like, "Purity ring? What the hell is a purity ring?"

Kevin yelled, "NICK!"

And I said, "Oh, no, dude, it's okay. I lost it a long time ago. I've done weed, and crack, and heroin…"

Then he just said, "Oh my god… oh my god…"

Joe was like, "Dude, don't tell Mom."

He said, "I'm not gonna tell her. Just don't do it again." Then he left. And now I'm going to sleep.

**11:05 am**

Nick called. He was like, "Uh, Nate, I think your brother got me sick…"

I was like, "Uh, I think I just got you in serious trouble with your 'rents."

"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"Well… just… go Youtube 'Nick Jonas Ska Concert.'"

"Oh my god..."

And he watched a video.

Then he said, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

I was like, "Gah, don't scream in my ear! I have a hangover…"

"WHAT?!"

"Yea… Me and Joe got into the booze. Hope you don't mind."

"YOU BROUGHT MY BROTHER INTO THIS?!"

"Yea. Goodnight." Then he started yelling, but I hung up and turned my phone off.

**4:16 pm**

Whoops… It seems as if Shane has given the fake me (Nick Jonas) Swine flu.

He called me and said, "Nate, this isn't good. I think I'm dying."

I said, "Don't get your kickers in a knot, you'll be fine."

"Isn't your brother sick?"

"Yea."

"Well what does he have? I probably have it."

"I think it was, uh, swine flu?"

"SWINE FLU! YOUR BROTHER GAVE ME SWINE FLU!?"

"Goddamn, calm down."

"I can't calm down! People are fucking dying from this flu and I have it now?!"

"Yea, well just sleep. You'll be fine."

"YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS, NATE, I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!"

Then I hung up.

**4:53 pm**

I really want an imaginary friend. Then I can have someone to talk to.

**4:55 pm**

Want. Cookies.

**10:10 pm**

Talked to Miley. I was like, "Yo."

She said, "Nate, you're not black. You don't get to say yo."

"Okay. Well, Shane got Nick sick."

"Really?"

"I shit you not."

"What does he have?"

"Swine flu."

"WHAT?!"

"Yea."

Then she got all worried and worked up and got on a video chat with Nick. He looked like death himself, sitting there, shivering, despite the fact he had a blanket wrapped around him. Plus also, he threw up. Twice. Guhhrody.

He was like, "What do we do?"

I said, "Go into Jason's room and throw up on him. Then he'll help you. Cool beans?"

"Uhh…"

"Just do it, fag!"

Then Miley hit me and told me not to call him a fag. And Nick left for a bit and said, "Okay, he's gonna take me to the hospital. I think. I couldn't really understand; he was speaking French."

And after Nick closed the video chat, Miley slapped me across the face and yelled, "YOU SUCK!"

"What?" I defended.

"I swear to god, if he dies, you die, too!"

"Shut up, he's not gonna fucking die. Besides, Shane gave it to him. Not me."

Then Kevin, being the nosy asshole he is, walked in and said, "What happened?"

I said, "Nothing," while Miley said, "NICK HAS SWINE FLU!"

Kevin was like, "Uhhh…"

Then I punched Miley and she was like, "Uh, I mean, nothing."

Kevin said, "Hmmm…" and then left all mysteriously.

Kevin must be Gossip Girl.

**10:22 pm**

Penguins are so fucking disgusting. I just learned that to feed their kids, they throw up in their mouths. "Oh, hey sweetie, time for breakfast. BLLEEEEGHHH!!!" Barfity barfity barf.

**10:41 pm**

The whole world is about to explode. Why? Because Nick Jonas has Swine flu.

Yes, trufax. Shane gave Nick Jonas Swine flu.

I don't think I've ever been this proud of Shane before.

**Thursday, May 27**

**6:20 pm**

Hahaha.

We're in Quebec right now as part of the Jonas Bastard's – I mean, Brother's – tour. We were "sight seeing" (even though I don't know what's to see here) and we got kinda lost. Well, everyone there was being huge assholes to us since we – well, Joe and Kevin – are American. (All Canadians hate Americans. Wait, no, everyone hates Americans.) And they just got us more lost. So I eventually just went up to this one dude and asked for directions in French and got us back to the tour bus.

After I talked with him and laughed with him about how stupid Americans were, Kevin and Joe looked at me all funny.

I was like, "What?"

Kevin asked, "Nick, did you just speak French?"

"No."

"Then what was that?!"

"Oh that? No, that wasn't French."

"Huh?"

Then I patted him on the back and said, "You must be going crazy."

And he looked all confused but shrugged it off anyway.

**6:27 pm**

There's a brown something or other smeared on my arm. I can't decide if it's chocolate or poop.

**9:46 pm**

Nick just called me. He said, "Nate, why didn't you tell me you had a wife?"

I said, "Oh, cause I didn't want to worry you."

"Why didn't you just tell me? She just practically raped me yesterday! And a few days ago…"

"What'd she do? Did you call her a bitch?"

"No I didn't call her a bitch! That would be mean!"

"Well if she was raping you, you should have stopped her."

"I just… I think she went too far this time."

"How far did she go?"

"Uhhh… she touched me…?"

"UGH, EW I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANY MORE!"

Then I hung up.

**10:12 pm**

I just legit choked on a grape.

I was sitting on the couch, watching Mum's TV show (just to see how things were at home with dearest Nicky poo), eating grapes, and the most hilarious scene had just played.

Tess was like feeling up Nick up against a wall, and he was like trying to get away, but she was like, "Oh, I'm so horny, Nate!"

And "I" say, "Uh… I gotta go. Really."

I laughed so hard. Legit. I was laughing so hard I fell off the couch, rolled on the ground, and choked on a grape. Kevin had to give me the Heimlich before I could breathe again.

Then I laughed again.

The look on Nick's face when Tess put her hand up his shirt is priceless.

I had to watch it five times again after I had my episode.

Kevin watched it with me and said, "Wow, that Nate kid looks exactly like you, Nick!"

I said, "Imagine that!"

Then I had a good laugh again after watching it a couple more times.

It made my life.

**10:23 pm**

I was watching TV with Joe and Kevin and I said, "I have to go potty." And then I stopped. And looked around. And said, "Did I really just say 'potty'?"

And Joe was like, "Yea…"

**Friday, May 28**

**5:35 pm**

Oh, bollocks.

They found out I wasn't Nick.

It was quite hilarious, actually. At least, I thought it was.

So, there I was, standing in front of a door, minding my own business, when someone named Joe Jonas opened the door as fast as they could, and the door knob hit me right in the spine and so I fell to the ground, and too bad so sad, there were stairs right there. So I took a tumble down the stairs. And I broke my ass.

Yes, you can all laugh at me.

I broke. My ass.

(Well, I bruised my tailbone, but same difference.)

I blame Joe Jonas.

Joe Jonas broke my ass.

But anyway, after I took my tumble down the stairs, I was screaming and crying and saying all these swear words. In my English accent. I was like, "OH BOLLOCKS! FUCKING BLOODY HELL! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

It hurt like a bitch.

Then they found out at the hospital I wasn't the same blood type, all this shit happened, we had to call my real parents, Jason is flying here right now with the Swine-infested Nick, Tess is pretty pissed, and Shane is probs high.

Never, ever stand in front of a door. Ever.

**5:38 pm**

And guess what? My ass still hurts.

There should be a moral to this story, but I kinda can't think of it.

**A\N: I'm still serious about the 15 thing**


	45. Woodies Are Long And Hard

**Chapter 45**

**Thursday, June 4**

**9:34 am**

CALL ME, BEEP ME, IF YOU WANT TO REACH ME! IF YOU WANT TO PAGE ME, IT'S OK!

Sorry, that's my new ringtone. I thought it suited the whole calling thing very well. It's a great ringtone.

It kinda just went off in homeroom and everyone looked around and I was like, "GOD, WHOSE RINGTONE IS _THAT?_ WHAT A DOUCHE!"

Then it rang again and I realised it was my phone.

**9:45 am**

Oh my god Ms. Tran just said woodie!

She was talking about plant stems and she said, "A woody stem is long and hard and brown."

Tess and I laughed so hard that we fell out of our seats and legit rolled on the floor, laughing.

**9:57 am**

She just said 'penetration' and 'sperm.'

I love biology.

**10:33 am**

We got sent to the principal's office.

Tess and I just could not get over the whole woody thing (I swear to god, she said woody ten times.) It was a pandemonium. We could not stop laughing. We laughed all the way down to the principal's office.

Then when we got there, the principal (AKA Fat Fuck) said, "So, Nate, Tess, please explain to me what is so funny about plant stems."

I tried not to laugh, god knows I tried. I said, "Well, Mr. Headmaster Sir, Ms. Tran just informed us that… that…"

"That what, Mr. Gray?"

"That… woodies are long and hard."

And then we went off again.

**10:34 am**

See, this is what completes my life. Those rounds of laughter you get that make your tummy hurt so much, but you can't stop. It's what I live for. That and the Pussy Cat Dolls.

Speaking of which, they still owe me a date, don't they? I shall ask Mum about that tonight.

**10:59 am**

Becca's pissed. I walked in her classroom and she pulled me aside and said, "So I heard about the woody thing."

Then I just burst out into laughter after she reminded me. I just threw my stuff on the floor and laughed so hard I got into a coughing fit.

She just stared at me with her hands on her hips. And said, "We'll chat when we get home."

**11:05 am**

Well it's not my fault Ms. Tran likes to talk about woodies…

**Five seconds later**

Hehehehe.

**11:07 am**

We're watching the Land Before Time in French. Some royal douche bag was making fun of it. I proceeded to throw a pencil at them.

**11:41 am**

So… fucking… emotional!!

I must be on my period. Or pregnant. Or something. Because I am crying. It's just so fucking sad when Little Foot's mum dies and he's all like, "No, Mummy, don't go. Don't leave me! I can't do this without you!" (Tear, tear,tear.)

I always tear up.

Becca and I are sitting in the back crying. We've watched this before and have gotten all emotional.

I'm gonna go cut myself.

**12:17 pm**

I deff think Tess and I have gotten over the whole 'I hate your guts, asshole' thing. We're starting to become friends. I mean, we were always friends, but when we found out we were getting married it was just sort of weird. Now we're texting each other, laughing about how much of a fucking retard Ms. Tranny is.

**12:20 pm**

Have you ever just wanted to do something dangerous? Right now, I feel an urge to jump off a tall building.

Ooh, I'll jump from the top of my stairs!

It's just like a one story fall, no biggie.

**Lunch**

Chuck is having a dinner party at his house.

Hell, I want to throw a dinner party.

**3:11 pm**

All anyone has been talking about today at school is 'New Girl.'

Who is 'New Girl'?

Well, I don't fucking know.

All I know is that she just moved here from South Africa. And she's _super_ gorge. And she has a big poof on top of her head. You know, when those slutty girls put their fringe up on their head in a puffy way that goes up a foot? Yea, that's a poof.

But I keep walking down the hall and people are saying, "Oh my god, have you seen New Girl?" And I'm just like, "Who the fuck is this new girl!?"

**4:15 pm**

Okay, this New Girl thing is just ridiculous.

I'm fucking sick of New Girl fucking up my day. "New Girl! New Girl! Have you seen her?!" "She's so pretty!" "I want to fuck her!" "She's so pretty I'm gonna kill myself!"

**4:32 pm**

I SAW HER! I SAW HER! I SAW NEW GIRL!

And hot dayum, she really is beautiful…

**4:35 pm**

What's the story, Wishbone? Lalalala, what's the story, Wishbone?

Curse me for having such a stupid little kid song stuck in my head.

**4:38 pm**

What would happen if every time you sneezed, you barfed too?

**7:40 pm**

Shane thought it would be funny to paint my nails green while I took a nap. Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

**Friday, June 5**

**2:15 pm**

Woot, no school today!

**6:47 pm**

MEOWWW! Cat fight! In the middle of my living room, too.

Kim came over and surprised me with two tickets to an Elvis Costello concert. Tess was creepin' from the corner and I thanked Kim for the tickets (even though Elvis Costello is my uncle and I find it stupid to pay to see him), and then she like jumped on me and made out with me.

Tess. Was. Pissed.

She leaped out of the corner at super-bitch speed and tackled Kim to the ground. Then she pulled her hair and yelled, "Stay off my man, bitch!"

Kim was like, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!"

They started scratching eachother and I was like, "YEA! CHICK FIGHT! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTS!"

And so then I finally had to pull them apart once Tess bit Kim and Tess was like, "Bitch, go away."

Kim said, "He's _my_ boyfriend, ho bag!"

"Yea, well he's _my_ husband, you little cunty whore!"

Then they both turned to me and in unison asked, "You're cheating on me?!"

I shrugged and said, "Sorry Kim, it wasn't my choice to marry her."

Kim just huffed and walked out, slamming my door on her way out.

Tess scoffed and said, "I can't believe you haven't broken up with her!" Then she slapped me and walked upstairs.

Oh my god, I love cat fights!

**6:55 pm**

You know who needs to get in a cat fight?

Tess and New Girl.

And Jessica Alba.

**8:04 pm**

OH MY GOD, I JUST SAW A FUCKING SNAKE! IN MY HOUSE!

And it was a huge-ass mother fucker, too. Huge. Like when I say it was a big snake, I mean it was one of those that are longer than you. Like one you can only see in a zoo.

I was sitting there with Becca and Kelsey, eating mac and cheese, when I look over and see something gigantic, slithering on our kitchen floor. I scream and jump on top of the table, pointing to the snake and yelling at the top of my lungs, "SNAKE! SNAKE!"

Kelsey and Becca got on top of the table, too, and we told one of the house keepers. They're gonna get rid of it.

I say we take a shovel and chop off its head. There is no way I'm getting bit by a snake ever again.

**8:06 pm**

Wait just a goddamn second…

There are no snakes in New Zealand.

Then why is there a snake in our house?

Ohh… I think Shane might have something to do with this.

**8:39 pm**

It's Mitchie's new pet snake, Henri.

I knocked on Shane's door and said, "Shane, do you have anything to do with a huge snake that's loose in our house?"

He said, "YOU FOUND HENRI!?"

"Who's Henri?"

"Mitchie wanted a new pet, so I got her a snake. Did you find him? Where is he?"

"He was in the kitchen a moment ago…"

Then Shane went downstairs, captured Henri, and put him back into his little habitat cage thing.

Henri is very gross.

**8:56 pm**

I was sitting at my desk and felt something tickle my foot. I was like, "What the hell?" and I looked down and there was a fucking grasshopper!

I jumped out of my chair, ran out the room, grabbed a baseball bat, and just started beating the shit out of the floor, trying to kill the little son of a bitch.

And poo on my shoe, there are grasshopper guts smushed into the carpet.

**9:02 pm**

It's raining. Oh damn it, I hate it when it rains because then my allergies are awful.

**Saturday, June 6**

**4:18 pm**

Today, Shane took me around town in his car, teaching me how to drive. We stopped by a fountain, which was near a building with a bunch of glass windows, and ate lunch.

Then, Shane said, "Hey, ask me if I want to throw a rock at this building."

So I was like, "Uh… okay? Do you want to throw a rock at this building?"

"Why yes I do," he said and stood up. Then, he grabbed a rock and chucked it at the building. The glass shattered and I was like, "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?"

Shane screamed, "RUN!" and started running towards the car. I ran after him and hopped in the car and we drove off.

**Monday, June 8**

**11:11 am**

We have a permanent sub in maths because our teacher spat out a kid the other day.

Her name is Mrs. Blair, and she is the biggest push over I've ever met. We took a test today, and I was eating pudding and watching Charlie's Angels on my iPhone and she totally saw and she didn't care. Then I saw the answer key on her desk, so I went up there, copied the whole thing (while she was watching) and then turned it in. She didn't say anything.

The whole entire class is having a spaz attack right now. I think someone just died… No, legit. They were running on top of the desks, and two of them inverted and he tumbled down to the ground, hysterically laughing.

**5:10 pm**

Funniest. Day. Ever.

Legit, I wish I had a camera when this happened.

(Before you read this, please be aware that I had just taken my inhaler and it makes me so hyper.)

So, Mrs. Blair, the big fat short Mexican, was getting really pissed at us because we were hooting and hollering quite a bit, so she was like, "Guys, settle down." And she kept saying it louder and louder until everyone looked at her and then she put her hands on her hips and at that exact second, her boob popped out of her dress!

The whole class burst out in laughter.

She was completely oblivious to it! It was just hanging there and she didn't notice!

I completely lost it.

I laughed so fucking hard that I fell out of my chair and slammed into the radiator. It tore my side open and all this blood just started pouring out everywhere. I kept on laughing. It was the most hysterical thing. Ever.

HER BOOB POPPED OUT OF HER DRESS!

Blood was gushing out of my side and I was trying to stop it, but it was so goddamn funny I couldn't stop laughing, and someone yelled, "HOLY HELL, HE'S BLEEDING! WE HAVE A BLEEDER!"

Mrs. Blair didn't even glance over.

Then, for some odd reason, Becca came in the room to give something to Mrs. Blair, and she must have heard me laughing, because she comes over to me and got all worried once she saw I was bleeding. She flipped a shit. She took off her jacket and pressed it against my side to try to get me to stop bleeding. Then she said, "What happened?!"

I was laughing so hard I couldn't even tell her. After a few moments, I said, "Mrs. Blair's boob popped out of her dress!" And then I went off again. And then someone else had to explain that in my fit of laugher, I slammed up against the radiator and it sliced me open.

So then Becca had to drive me to the hospital and they had to sew me back together and then I got to skip the rest of the day.

It. Was. Amazing.

This has been the highlight of my life.

**5:14 pm**

Shane just rushed into my room, yelling, "I CAN'T FIND HENRI!" Then he searched my room and left.

There is a snake loose in my house.

I went up to Shane and said, "Shane, did you lose your snake?"

He said, "Yea."

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU LOSE AN ANACONDA?!"

"Well, I let him out to play, and I set him down on the bed, and then he just… left. He is officially MIA." Then he ran off again calling, "Henri! Henri! Come here, Henri!"

**5:15 pm**

I put Miley in my room to make sure that Henri doesn't eat her.

**5:23 pm**

Ooh, look! _House_ is on!

**My room**

I'm very paranoid right now. There is a man-eating snake, lost, in our house. We cannot find him. I think I'm gonna turn around and Henri is gonna be there, ready to kill me, or maybe he'll pop out of a sink or a toilet or the shower head.

**6:17 pm**

Still can't get over the boob thing. Speaking of which, my stomach still hurts from where it was ripped open.

Thank you, Mrs. Blair.

**Dinner**

We're having pasta for dinner! Ooh!

**10:00 pm**

Went into my loo to pee. I cautiously opened the toilet, half expecting Henri to pop out at me and tackle me to the ground.

He didn't.

I felt relieved and then after I was done draining the reptile, curiosity got the best of me. I moved the shower curtain aside, just to satisfy my curiosity and my over imagination.

Henri was curled up in my bathtub.

I screamed. So loud. People in China probably heard me.

Shane came running in and said, "You found him!"

I was almost having a heart attack. It felt like my stomach had fallen out my ass. I was so scared.

Shane took his illegal anaconda and left.

**10:06 pm**

Off to bed. I can sleep peacefully knowing that Henri is back in his cage and not in my bathtub.

Speaking of which, I should really disinfect my bathtub now… Friggin' nasty.

**A\N: Twenty reviews cause this is the best chapter EVER**


	46. STARBUCKS MY ASS

**Chapter 46**

**Tuesday, June 9**

**2:08 am**

Awake. Still. I'm just listening to this really annoying song on the radio, ladi ladi la.

**7:32 am**

At school. It's so early in the morning! Damn Becca and her 'meetings.'

**9:24 am**

Today in Tranny's class, Tranny found out that I haven't turned in three homework assignments, so she said, "I'm gonna call your mum!"

I was like, "Uh… okay."

So she tried for like twenty minutes to get a hold of my mum.

She eventually gave up.

**11:15 am**

Becca told me that on her off period, she's gonna pull me out of school to take me to Starbucks. Hmm… Sounds a bit odd. Why is she letting me skip school for wonderful, delicious coffee in the middle of the afternoon?

**11:18 am**

I'm sooo bored.

**Lunch**

New Girl came up to our table and she invited me to her house party. I was reading the invitation, and it's a costume party. You're supposed to dress up in your most ridiculous Halloween costume.

Sounds exciting!

Finally, people will realise that I'm a cool person!

**3:02 pm**

IT WAS A TRAP!

Becca was driving me and we were heading down the main road. Then we passed three Starbucks. I was like, "Becca, you passed three already."

She said nothing and kept driving.

Then… we ended up at the place of all evil and hell. The dentist's office.

Right when she turned into their parking lot, I started screaming and tried to jump out of the car, but she had the damn child's lock on all the doors and locked the windows. I was trapped.

Revenge of the kiddy leash – She then put a kiddy leash with a leash on me while I was huddled up in the corner of the front seat and then dragged me, kicking and screaming, into the building.

I was getting ready to kill her.

Starbucks my ass!

Anyway, they – By they, I mean Jason – took out my stitches. And he managed to still make it hurt even though my mouth was completely numb.

Then Becca took me to Starbucks afterwards.

I got a coffee, but since I couldn't feel my entire mouth, it all just leaked out all over me when I tried to drink it, and it looked like I pissed myself. Plus also, the coffee was really hot and it burned my crotch.

I managed to convince Becca to take me home. (Okay, fine, I cried until she gave in.)

**3:35 pm**

Hazah! Today is the day we meet with the wedding planner. You know, for the wedding. Hope you haven't forgotten.

Tess is still at school. Oh yea, did I tell you she's living with us now? Ya, so it's all cool.

**5:27 pm**

At dinner with Gene, Mum, Tess, Tess's parents, and the wedding planners. With an 's'. There are like five of them, planning this wedding. I don't see why they're making such a big deal about this. It's just a wedding.

I like food.

**5:31 pm**

OH MY GOD, TESS JUST THREW A FORK AT ME AND NOW I'M BLEEDING!

**6:02 pm**

I want a chocolate chip muffin with some French fries.

**6:03 pm**

I hate dark, fancy restaurants. They always dim the lights, but then you can't fucking see!

**6:08 pm**

Tess and I are playing I Spy to pass the time.

**6:20 pm**

Still here, bored. Tess and I decided to make couple names.

She was like, "You know what we need?"

"What?" I asked.

"Couple names."

"Like, uh, little nicknames or something?"

"Yea. Think of something."

"Well, it has to do with food. And male genitalia."

"How about… Master Cock N' Tots?"

"I guess that works. You can be Madame Pussy Taco."

We're so writing these on our invitations.

**6:34 pm**

We're still here…

**6:41 pm**

You know what? I'm gonna go walk to Taco Bell.

**Wednesday, June 10**

**5:29 am**

Oh, my, will you look at the time?

I really should be getting to bed, but I can't sleep.

You know, now that I think of it, I haven't slept in two days. That's forty-eight hours without sleep.

**5:46 am**

Becca is pissed at me. I still sleep in her bed (especially since Henri came into our lives) and I keep tossing and turning, failing at sleeping.

She just yelled, "PLEASE LEAVE!" So I went into my room and got on Facebook.

**5:47 am**

Ooh, I think I'm falling asleep! This is so exciting!

**9:03 am**

Fail. Fail. Epic fail. No sleep at all.

I'm going to die at school today.

**12:37 pm**

I have died.

I have fallen and I can't get up!

No, actually, I'm hiding in Becca's room. She doesn't know I'm here… Shh… I'm in the little storage closet, creeping on peoples' conversations.

**12:40 pm**

Fish are not cute. The only fish that are cute are panda fishes.

**1:28 am**

Bollocks, I've managed to give myself away.

So, I was just sitting there, minding my own business, when my mind wandered onto the topic of AIDS. I thought to myself, "How can one get AIDS without having sexual intercourse?" and I came up with the most hilarious answer.

This is such a chance happening: Say you're walking around your house, ass naked, when you have a sudden craving for some chocolate ice cream. So, you make your way downstairs. Well, too bad so sad, you trip over a plush panda bear toy you bought for your little cousin the other day and you take a tumble down the stairs. But also too bad so sad for you, there just so happens to be a stick glued to the last stair step, and it's covered with AIDS-infested semen.

You land on it perfectly.

_Voila_, you have AIDS!

Anyway, I thought of that and I burst out laughing. I laughed so hard I just flew out of the supply closet and fell onto the floor. Then I got up and dashed out of Becca's room all quick like. I went into the hall and laughed so hard that I cried. It was hysterical.

Becca came out into the hall and said, "Where the hell did you come from? I hear laughter and then I see you jump out of the closet. How long were you in there?"

I was laughing so hard that I couldn't even tell her. Then, I finally calmed down and said, "Just an hour."

"Why were you hiding in my closet for an hour?"

"I was skipping class."

Then she stared at me all serious like and said, "I should call the principal."

I sighed. "Fine, fine, I'll go back to class. Sheesh…" Then I walked to Tranny's class.

**Lunch**

Shane killed Becca's birds. He texted me, "Oh shit, I killed the birds."

I said, "How did you kill three parakeets??"

"Well, Henri was really hungry and he was snapping at me, so I grabbed the closest living things… Don't tell Becca."

"I won't tell her."

"The cover story is that they flew out of the window."

"Uhh…"

"Don't tell."

"I won't."

"I swear to god, if you tell… I'll punch in your face."

I decided that it would be best if I didn't tell.

**2:20 pm**

New Girl sat at our lunch table. I think Chuck is really falling for her. I mean, she's gorgeous, but she's kinda a bitch. And I have Tess, anyway.

But anyway, New Girl's party is tonight. I'm so excited. Becca and I made my costume last night. I'm going to be a stuffed olive. This is so exciting.

NG told me all the people that were going to her party. It's all the cool group (which I should be apart of, bee tee dubs) a few of my friends, and me.

Hmmm… Maybe this party is my initiation into the cool group.

**3:31 pm**

Becca just texted me: "Let's skip school. Right now."

I said, "That doesn't seem like something the real Becca would say. What have you done with her?"

"This is the real Becca."

"The real Becca wouldn't let me skip school."

"Let's go to La Madeline. I know you like that place."

I like the fake Becca. She's a lot cooler than the real rule-following Becca.

**3:32 pm**

I wonder where the real Becca went… Maybe Gossip Girl (Kevin Jonas) shoved her in the back of his car and dragged her out to the desert.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.

**6:55 pm**

I know where the real Becca went.

She went to go scheme with Jason!

Becca took me out of school early and she said we were going to "La Madeline." Mmm hmmm, yea right. That's the last time I ever trust her again. (Don't trust a ho, never trust a ho.)

We got in her car and Jason was sitting in there. He said, "Hello, Nate," like he was in the mafia or something.

Then I realised why Becca had taken me out of school – She was taking me to the… dentist.

So I screamed and I was about to jump out of the moving vehicle, but Jason grabbed me and held me down. And dayum, he is really strong.

Then after it was all over and done with, I was like, "Okay, let's go to La Madeline."

And Jason said, "Nope, you can't eat or drink thirty minutes after."

"I'm about to kick you in the balls, asshole…"

Then I attacked him, so we waited thirty minutes and then went to La Madeline.

And I had a Caesar salad.

**7:10 pm**

PANDA BEYURR!

**7:13 pm**

Getting ready for the costume party! Becca is painting my face green so I can be a stuffed olive to the max.

**10:34 pm**

Holy slut fucker. Give me some puppies to shoot. Cause I am PISSED.

I showed up at the party in green skinny jeans, a huge puffy olive costume, a green turtle neck, and my face painted green with a hat.

But apparently, no one told me the costume party turned into a 'slutty' party. And you were supposed to dress up in short dresses and tight clothing.

So I showed up in my stuffed olive costume.

And people got pictures.

And they put them on Facebook.

The entire cool group laughed in my face and made fun of me.

Oh,_Hijo de puta_,I'm screwed, aren't I?

**3:45 am**

AND I STILL CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!

**Thursday, June 11**

**10:19 am**

**School**

I am a big, hot, Tranny mess right now.

I lost count of how many days it's been since I've had a wink of sleep. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal. I've even tried those damn sleeping pills but nothing works.

And, all my friends have left me. Chuck and everyone just scoff when I go near them and say, "Loser," and then walk away.

My friends hate me.

New Girl has turned the whole school against me.

I haven't slept in over five days.

And I'm failing most of my classes.

No one will talk to me.

This has not been a good week for me.

**10:28 am**

And to make it worse, Jason tells me I might have to get my wisdom teeth out. Ughhh…

**Lunch**

Eating lunch in Becca's room. I went to go sit down at the table, and right as I sat down, everyone got up and left. It was just like a scene out of one of those cheesy high school drama movies. But it was all way too real.

I felt like a loser, sitting all alone, and so I went into Becca's room. Luckily, she eats at the same time we do.

I walked in her room and she said, "Nate? What are you doing here?"

I said all sadly like I was about to cry at any second, "Can I eat with you today?"

"Yea, sure, Panda."

So I sat down and ate my disgusting, uncooked, cafeteria pizza in silence.

"Why aren't you with all your little mates?"

I said, "Their table was full… New Girl and her friends took my spot."

"Oh. That sucks."

It really, really does. She doesn't even know.

**2:35 pm**

I want to die.

**10:40 pm**

I had a break down. I just got so frustrated with everything.

We went out to dinner as a family and Gene was being a real douche bag. He told me I was a "good-for-nothing prick of a son." And then made fun of me because I wanted to order a Caesar salad. I don't know, it was really fucked up.

Then he told me to "go wait in the limo. You can't eat with us anymore."

So I just frowned and walked out of the restaurant with whatever dignity I had left. Then I just completely lost it. I had the keys to Gene's limo and so I was so fucking pissed that I keyed his stupid custom-made limo and then sat down in the parking lot by his limo and cried.

Becca came outside of the restaurant and saw me crying. I cut my wrist with the stupid car keys and then started kicking the ground. She got all upset. She was like, "Nate, what are you doing?!"

I cried for a bit and tried to tell her how upset I was, but I was just so choked up, I couldn't say anything. She forced me to go in the limo and we sat in there and she tried to get me to calm down.

I had legit had a mental breakdown. I was like Britney Spears. I felt so out of place and distressed. I was like Miley Cyrus without her voice synthesizer.

Finally, I said, "Becca, I haven't slept in five days."

She frowned. "Why haven't you told me?"

"I didn't want you to get worried."

Then I started crying again.

She pulled me in a hug and said, "Shh, Panda, it's okay. Tell me what's wrong."

I said, "Well, stupid New Girl turned all my friends against me. They all hate me. She publically humiliated me and I just really want to kill myself right now. I'm so tired. Can I please just give up now?"

"No one is killing themselves tonight. Everything will get better, Nate."

"Nuh huh…"

"Yea huh…"

Then I sniffled some more and said, "Don't tell anyone. Ever." Then I snuggled up real close to her and closed my eyes, sniffling some more. She just wrapped her arms around me and we stayed in the limo until the rest of my family came back.

It was all very sappy and sweet.

Then we went home. And Becca invited me to sleep in her bed tonight, so I have to get my jim jams on. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep.

**Friday, June 12**

**8:19 am**

No luck sleeping. I took sleeping pills, too.

I should take more right now.

Is five good enough?

**School**

Ohh, whoa… I cannot read what I just wrote…

**5:11 pm**

Today, someone at our school overdosed on sleeping pills.

…

I heard it was me.

I blacked out in Becca's class. I was just sitting there, getting really dizzy, and next thing I know, I'm in the hospital.

I made quite an exit, too. There was an ambulance and stretcher and everything involved.

At least I was able to sleep for a few hours.

I find it rather hilarious because little middle schoolers were visiting our high school to see what it was like, and I'm pretty sure they saw me collapse and practically die. Welcome to high school, little kiddies!

I remember being wheeled off and laughing hysterically. I have no idea why I was laughing hysterically. I guess I'll never know.

**A\N: 20 reviews or Nate dies!!! :O**


	47. Watermellons are the devil

**Chapter 47**

**Sunday, June 14**

**11:40 pm**

He left us. Gene Simmons left us.

This morning, Gene and Mum were yelling at each other, and then Gene stormed out of the house. He came back, however, only after he called me and told me he hated me.

Then, we all had to go to this stupid award show Gene and Mum were hosting. I really, really didn't want to go. I just bitched and complained the whole time.

Becca made her debut as our long-lost sister. The media flipped a shit. We basically stole the spotlight from everyone. Even Angelina Jolie and her ten thousand kids couldn't get a red carpet interview. Everyone wanted us. We must have been on every TV station on the face of the Earth.

Anyway, I managed to trip over my own two feet while trying to walk sexily. Being the idiot I am, I rolled up my sleeves. Too bad so sad for me, I forgot all about the cuts on my wrists. The paparazzi saw them and went bonkers.

They attacked me with questions and suddenly, all the cameras started flashing at me.

Mum's body guard had to pull me away from a mob that had formed around me. I was so scared I couldn't even move.

Then everyone went over to Gene and asked him questions like, "Are you a bad parent?" "Did you not know your own son is depressed?"

Our whole family just kinda fast walked away and we went inside the building and sat down in our seats.

Who was to be sitting infront of us but the Jonas Brothers. Trash-talking me.

After a bit, I said, "You know I'm right here."

They all turned around and said, "Oh. Hi." And then they turned around and stopped talking about me when Mum and Gene got on the stage.

I sat there, kicking their seats.

So the awards thing was a hoot (not) and I was texting my friend, Sarina, the whole entire time. Then, some asshole worker lady came up, ripped my phone out of my hand, and didn't give it back until the after party.

The after party was fail. It was just a bunch of boring old famous people, standing around and drinking exquisite wines. I sat in the back and did Soduko puzzles, until I realised I hate Soduku.

But, of course, something horrible just has to happen to me. A Pussy Cat Dolls song came on (still waiting for that date) and so I had to get up and dance. Well, it was bad. I ended up kicking Amy Winehouse in the face and she put out her cigarette on my arm. Then, as a result of her burning my skin, I jumped to the side, and what was to be there, but the chocolate fountain. I knocked it over and we both tumbled to the ground. It broke. Everyone looked at me. Gene was pissed.

Shane thought it was hysterical and burst out laughing, but everyone else was silent and the music stopped. Gene then grabbed my arm, pulled me off of the ground, and dragged me out to the back alley way

He started yelling at me, screaming, "What the hell was that? Huh? Were you trying to make a fool of me and your mother?" I didn't say anything so he said, "Answer me!" and then slapped me. Really hard.

All I said was, "Owww!"

He was all like, "You're the worst child anyone could ever have! I should have never brought you here to New Zealand! You're an embarrassment, and mostly, a MISTAKE! That's all you are, you little prick!"

Then he punched me so hard my nose started bleeding and then kicked me until I fell to the ground.

Then a camera flashed.

Gene and I both look over and see a paparazzi person standing there, snapping picture. Then more came. Gene covered his face and dashed away. I got off of the ground and ran over to the limo. I hopped inside and then locked the door, closing the curtains from the people who were trying to get inside the limo.

The party was over by the time my nose stopped bleeding and Becca, Mum, Jason, and Shane came back to the limo. We were told that Gene had already gone home.

He was no where to be found when we got home.

We searched the whole house, but all his stuff was gone. All his guitars, his clothes, everything. And the TV was gone, but that's only because Shane traded it for a bag of weed yesterday.

But yeah, he's gone. Mum's freaking out, wondering why he left, and my brothers and Becca are sleeping. I've decided not to tell them what happened in the alley. I assume they'll find out on the internet tomorrow.

**11:53 pm**

I wonder what would happen if you ate ten packs of Mentos and then drank a liter of Diet Coke.

I kinda don't want to find out… Perhaps I will get Shane to do it for me when he's so drunk off his ass he can't think straight.

**1:32 am**

Went to Walmart and bought some mentos and coke. Planning on Shane eating them and drinking the coke soon.

**1:45 am**

That was lame.

I forced Shane to do it, but all that happened was that he threw up.

**1:49 am**

Holy Buddha, I just sneezed like ten times in a row!

**Monday, June 15**

**11:02 am**

I slept in Becca's room last night. I ended up spilling everything to her after she asked why I was bruised. But, hey, she was gonna find out anyway, right? She got all up in a huffy and bitched about Gene.

We didn't get to bed until like four in the morning because I was sniffling all night and Becca was all emotional because I was upset, so she started crying, which made me cry, too. So it was all one big sad cryfest.

Anyway, we're skipping school today and we're about to go to Target to buy stuff.

**12:20 pm**

We bought a bunch of snacks and a watermelon! I'm so excited to finally eat a watermelon. Mum has something against them, so I've never had one before. I'm being serious. I'm so deprived. But it doesn't matter what she thinks, because she's out looking for Gene.

**12:46 pm**

HOLY GOD, I JUST SAW A LADY BIRD! It was on the floor of my room. I saw it and screamed. I ran out of my room and jumped into Becca's bed, hiding under the covers.

Those things give me the heebie jeebies.

I have this abnormal fear of them, and it all started because of Shane.

**1:15 pm**

I can not wait to eat the watermelon. It is sitting on our countertop, calling out, "Eat me! Eat me!"

Mitchie has been eyeing it, as well.

She and the watermelon could pass for twins.

OOOO DISS!

**1:18 pm**

I think something just died in my eye…

**1:27 pm**

MITCHIE THREW THE WATERMELON AT ME!

I was just standing outside by the pool, minding my own business, when she yells, "LOOK OUT!" And I turn around and see her throwing the watermelon at me.

It hit me in the shoulder and it knocked me over. The watermelon like exploded in the grass and it hurt like a mofo, so I started crying. Jason was in the kitchen, so he came running outside and helped me up.

She dislocated my shoulder. Jason had to push it back in. It hurt very much, thank you.

I've never had watermelon, and I never will.

**1:33 pm**

Miley is outside, eating the watermelon. She's so nasty. It's like covered in grass.

**1:35 pm**

I want to be a sporangia.

I don't even know what that is, but we learned about them in biology.

That word is so funny.

**1:36 pm**

Hehehe… sporangia.

**1:38 pm**

We were talking about sporangia and I… JIZZED IN MY PANTS!

**1:39 pm**

Gross. Sporangia. That's a yucky word.

**4:15 pm**

Took a nap. Woke up and my hair was coloured green.

Thanks, Shane.

Luckily, he coloured on it with washable marker, so when I took a shower, it all came off.

**4:32 pm**

I just got a text message from Shane that said, "… It wasn't lemon Gatorade."

**5:17 pm**

I needed Shane to take me to CVS to buy some sour gummy worms because I ran out. He was driving high, of course, and all of the sudden he stopped in the middle of the road.

We waited ten minutes for a hedgehog to cross the road.

Turns out, the hedgehog was a pinecone.

Wow.

**6:00 pm**

**Dinner**

Gene is still gone. Meh, I don't miss him. I actually couldn't care less. I do kinda miss Mum, however. She was a hoot.

**6:03 pm**

Shane just stumbled in here, high as a kite, and said, "Look at this stray kitten I found in my bedroom!"

It was a sock.

**6:11 pm**

Great. Now Becca is rambling on about how she wants to adopt a kitten tomorrow.

**6:28 pm**

Becca pisses me off sometimes. I scratched my eye and she looked over and said, "Oh, deary, why are you crying?"

I looked at her and said, "I'm not crying…"

"It's okay, you can tell me if you're sad."

"But I wasn't crying… I scratched my eye."

Then she hugged me and said, "It's gonna be okay, whatever it is."

I just pushed her away and ran.

**A\N: So I'm gonna not update until August. You probably won't care since you don't care enough to review anyway.**


	48. Ache

**Chapter 48**

**Wednesday, June 17**

**10:33 am**

I'm never ever going to school ever again. Becca went back to school and tried to make me go with her. I just said, "No way, girlfriend!" I can't go back and it's all stupid New Girl's fault. And Corbin Bleu. I had the freakiest dream last night that he ass-raped me. So now I'm terrified of him.

**10:38 am**

Ugh, I hate Jason. He's making me go to his work with him because he "doesn't want me to be home alone."

I said, "I'm not gonna be alone. Mitchie and Shane are here."

He said, "Exactly why you're going with me."

I'm terrified. What if he tries to clean my teeth or something?

If he does try, I will have to gouge his eyes out with Mr. Sucky Dude. And yes, that's what he calls it.

**10:42 am**

You know, if I could have any accent in the world, I would have a South African accent. They're so cool.

**11:06 am**

Driving in the car… we're driving in the car. LALALA!

I like to write songs about random things. I'll be a famous singer like Mum in no time!

**12:30 pm**

Jason kicked me out.

I was sitting in the corner of his little death chamber, hyperventilating, and he was all like, "Nate, stop crying!"

"I can't!" I said. "This place gives me the heebie jeebies!"

He said, "If you can't control yourself, then leave."

"No! I don't want to be alone!"

"Then behave yourself!"

"I'm trying my best!"

"Screaming and crying in the corner is not your best!"

"Yes it is!"

So then he was all like, "I'll give you one last chance. If you blow it, you're out of here and you'll have to wait outside all day."

Well, I blew it. And no, I'm not talking about a penis. (Not this time, at least.)

Jason said that we were going on a "fieldtrip to get some ice cream." I was a bit suspicious, but I wasn't about to pass up ice cream, so I went with him. Well, he locked me in the scary, scary x-ray room and I had no choice but to do what he said, so he did the deal, and I was flipping out the entire time. Then Jason and Dr. Evil forced me to let them look at my teeth. (They had the help of body restraints, bee tee dubs. It's not like I would ever voluntarily let them touch me with Mr. Sucky Dude.)

Dr. Evil said, "Yup, we should take them out soon – today would be good."

My stomach nearly fell out of my ass when he said that. I was like, "Take what out today?"

Jason said, "Don't freak out, it will be okay."

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?!"

Then Jason whispered, "Shh, shh, panda. Calm down. I'll tell you if you promise not to kill me."

No real promises but, "I promise."

"So, Dr. Moore" (lame name) "and I think it would be best if we took out your wisdom teeth today."

After he said that, I went into like some sort of shock. I stopped breathing and I just stared at Jason. I didn't blink or move or anything.

Jason said, "Panda? Say something." Then he waved his hand in front of my face and snapped. "Nate? Hello? Say something, you're scaring me!"

Then I just screamed. I completely lost it. I kept screaming until he took off the bloody body restraints and I dashed out of there like there was no tomorrow. I ran out of the building, screaming my head off, and Jason ran after me.

He's a faster runner than I am, and I'm the most out of shape person ever, so caught me. (Thanks, mac and cheese.)

I was still screaming, so he put his hand over my mouth, and I licked it.

He said, "NATE! STOP THAT!"

I stopped screaming and he made me face him.

"Nate!" he reprimanded. "You cannot just start screaming like a maniac while at my work! Do you not understand how embarrassing that is for me? Dr. Moore is my boss!"

I said, "You and Dr. Evil need to go die! I ain't letting you touch me!"

"It's okay, panda, we decided we weren't gonna take them out today."

I raised my eyebrow. "Legit?"

"Yea."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

So then I was like, "Okay. Fine."

He said, "Well, you blew it. Stay out here on this bench. I can see you, so you better not run away." Then I sat down on the bench and he went back inside.

So, here I am. Sitting on a bench.

**12:35 pm**

I see Jason creepin' through the window.

**12:39 pm**

I'm so bored I just wrote a sex song about pandas in my brain. Wow.

**12:41 pm**

What would happen if I turned into a panda? Would you still like me?

What if I was a panda that was a sex addict?

**12:43 pm**

Why do I feel like I'm gonna get ass-raped out here all alone?

**12:49 pm**

OH MY GOD, THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING EVER!

I was just sitting there under the trees, and I hear something like fall into the trees above me. I thought like someone jumped off the top of the building into the trees. The rustling was really loud.

I swear to god, if I look on the news tomorrow and see that there was a dead body found up there, I will be so freaked out.

**1:13 pm**

Ahh! Paparazzi attack!

I just got ambushed!

Goodness! See, this is why it's bad to be a celebrity! I can't even sit outside a dentist's office, enjoying nature (not really), without someone taking my picture.

**5:56 pm**

Fail.

Jason is such a liar, liar pants on fire.

I was just sitting there, minding my own business, when someone puts a sheet over my head. I started screaming because I had no idea who it was. I legit thought I was getting kidnapped and was gonna get ass-raped by Corbin Bleu.

(Why does Corbin want me so bad?)

Then I hear Jason say, "STOP SCREAMING!"

I screamed louder. Just cause he told me not to.

He picked me up and I was still under the sheet, so I couldn't see where we were going, but I kept screaming and trying to scratch, kick, and bite Jason. I was like a panda being taken from the wild.

Well, I ended up in the evil dentist room and they locked me in there. So I kept running around from Jason and Dr. Evil and knocking over things and kicking things, blindly. I felt like Helen Keller.

But Jason caught me and gave me a shot of this stuff and I got all drowsy and I ended up falling asleep while he was still holding me.

I woke up in Becca's bed and she was standing above me, staring at me. She was holding a mug of hot chocolate.

She said, "You're one wild panda. Jason told me everything."

I opened my mouth to say something, but it hurt so bad I just didn't even bother. That bastard ripped my wisdom teeth out without my consent! I should really sue.

Then she laughed and said, "I'll let you sleep in my bed. I feel bad." And she ruffled my hair and left.

She bloody pisses me off. I don't need her pity!

**5:57 pm**

Well, maybe I do. I'm thirsty and I don't want to walk downstairs. That's what an intercom and a sad panda voice is for.

**10:05 pm**

Jason's such a d-bag.

I really wanted some pain drugs, so I went over to his room and hopped in his bed and went, "Uggghhhh!"

He was sleeping (cause his bedtime is at ten, LAME) and he said, "Nate, what do you want?"

"I need drugs!" I complained, hitting a pillow rather violently.

"I already gave you two Advil an hour ago."

"That shit doesn't do shit!"

"No swearing. I thought you weren't an angry child anymore."

I kicked my feet and punched a pillow. "I'm angry and in a lot of pain, you better give me the good stuff! I know you have it!"

"I'm not giving it to you."

"Why not?"

"Because I know you'll overdose."

"No I won't!"

"Yes. You will."

I mean he sorta had a point, but that isn't what matters. What matters is that he does have the good stuff, but he's not gonna give it to me. Even though I'm a panda in pain. And he really should give it to me; we're an endangered species.

**10:38 pm**

Is 'shaln't' a word?

It sounds like it should be.

Like shall not. But shaln't.

**10:41 pm**

It is time to be James Bond. I cannot take it anymore. I NEED those good drugs.

I'm gonna sneak into his room and take them real fast.

**10:45 pm**

Shalln't. Shalln't. Shalln't.

**11:06 pm**

Epic fail.

I managed to sneak in and I found the bottle and all, but while I was leaving, I knocked over a lamp and he woke up and turned on the light. I stopped and then he yelled, "Hey! What are you doing?"

I had no idea what to do, so I just opened the bottle, put all the pills in my mouth and swallowed them with some water I found on his night stand.

Then he ran over to me and made me puke them up so I wouldn't OD.

What a dick.

**11:17 pm**

Dear iPhone: Please stop turning all my 'fucks' into 'ducks.' It's making all my strongly-worded texts look cute and harmless.

**11:50 pm**

Why does everyone hate me?

Jason, Gene, Mum, everyone at school…

What did I ever do to them? Besides almost get them fired, and almost put them in jail, and… Well, I don't know what I did to New Girl.

**11:55 pm**

I just listened to the song, "Jesus Take The Wheel."

Yea, last time I let Jesus take the wheel, we got a DUI.

**11:56 pm**

You know what? I'm gonna go to bed. I'm tired.

**Thursday, June 18**

**2:18 pm**

Holy shit. Shane bought me a panda.

I was sleeping and he came into the room and woke me up. I was really exhausted so I told him to go away, but he told me he had a gift for me outside.

After bitching and moaning, he pulled me out of bed and carried me down the stairs. I look outside and see a panda bear in my front yard.

I legit almost died inside.

It was so cute!

I wanted to hug it, but then I would die, so I didn't.

I turned to Shane and asked, "Why did you buy me this?"

He said, "Well, Becca told me you weren't feeling well, so I decided to do something nice."

It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Except, I knew we couldn't keep a panda, so I donated it to the zoo near our house and I get a zoo pass and I get to visit her every day!

But not today, cause I'm gonna sleep today.

**3:21 pm**

THE creepiest thing just happened.

So Jason went in my room and said, "Hey, we're going to some famous people thing."

I was asleep and I just went, "Blehhh…"

"Get up."

"No."

"You have to go with us."

"Jason, you can't date rape me, rip out my wisdom teeth, and then expect me to go with you somewhere the next day. Let me lie here in agony for a few days."

"I just don't want you to be home alone."

"Too bad. I'm a big boy now. I'm just gonna sleep."

Then he sighed and went, "Fine. Make sure you lock the doors."

"Fine."

He left and I fell asleep on the couch downstairs.

Then the doorbell rang. I was sleeping in the living room and it woke me up. Miley started barking and going crazy.

The first thing that went through my mind was, "OOH, GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!" so I hopped off of the couch and went over to the door. I remember what my mum had told me about stranger danger, so I looked through the little creeper hole.

It wasn't girl scouts.

From the first glance, I thought it was Corbin Bleu and some chick. Were they here to rape me?!

I backed away from the door and they kept on ringing the doorbell and knocking. It was so scary. I kinda just held my breath and stood to the side of the door. I grabbed a baseball bat from the closet, just in case it was Corbin.

They knocked a few more times.

Then I heard them sliding something through the door. I quickly locked the door and ran over to the window to see if they had left. I was peeking out through the blinds, and then I see the lady look back at me, so I duck and cover. I didn't want them to know anyone was home.

After waiting five minutes to make sure they had left, I cautiously opened the door and found a little pamphlet thing about Jesus.

Those damn Mormons!

Then I was looking at it, and it was in French.

I legit got creeped out. How did they know we were French!?

**4:02 pm**

What would happen if you tried to teach Helen Keller to swim?


	49. They Be Bangin'

**Chapter 49**

**Monday, June 21**

**10:06 am**

Becca and Jason forced me to go back to school.

I was like, "No! Please! I'm still a sick panda!"

He said, "You're gonna have to take summer school if you miss any more days!"

So, I started crying. I threw myself on the floor and had a temper tantrum. Well, Jason gave me a timeout and took away my computer. Then Becca drove me to school, and TADA! Welcome to hell!

I really don't want to be here. New Girl is with all my old ex-friends, looking at me and laughing. Why is she such a skanky ho bag?

**10:15 am**

I'm just gonna not bother anymore. Like, who cares? If I really want to go to college, I'll buy my way in. I'm pretty sure that's how Jason got into Harvard.

**10:21 am**

My tummy hurts…

**Lunch**

I was sitting all alone at my lunch table, moping, when Tess sat herself down next to me, smiling. I said, "Hi," and then slammed my head down on the table.

Tess was like, "It's this weekend."

"What is?" I muttered, not looking up at all.

"How do you not know? I've been saying it for the past week!"

"For the past week, I've been passed out on the couch."

"Oh."

"Yea."

"Well, our wedding's this weekend."

I lifted my head up. "What?!"

She excitedly nodded. "Yup! Isn't it fantastic? Our honeymoon will be so romantic!"

"H-h-honeymoon?"

"Yes, in Hawaii."

I took a sip of my water.

She continued talking. "Your mum says I better come back pregnant."

I spat out my water all over the table and coughed, choking. I wiped water off of my face, saying, "Legit? She said that?"

Tess nodded.

"Excuse me," I said and ran to the loo to puke. The thought of it all was so horrifying. Tess came into the loo and said, "Oh, Nateypoo, what's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing." (Hey, I didn't want to be an asshole to her.) I went into Becca's room. She was teaching and so I wanted to be as annoying as possible. I said in the worst French accent ever, "Becca, _j'ai vomi._"

She looked over at me. "I'm teaching. I don't have time for your shenanigans."

"_Mais_ Becca," I continued, "_Est-ce que_ you not hear me? I throwded up. I'm still a _malade_ panda."

"If this is another stunt to make me take you home again-"

Tess cut her off and said, "He's serious."

Becca got her worried face on and said, "Oh my poor little panda!" Then she ran over and hugged me.

I pushed her away. "Get off of me."

She ruffled my hair (what's up with that?) and said, "I'll take you home in an hour."

"Becca, I _pense que_ you should take me home, _maintenant_!"

"Not now, _petit_ panda, I need to teach. You can wait. You don't look THAT _malade_."

So I got in a huffy fit and sat down in her swively chair at her desk and got on facebook.

**1:51 pm**

I am lying down on the floor, bored out of my mind.

I look like a beached whale.

**2:24 pm**

Ugh, we have to stay longer because Becca has to sit here while people make up tests. (What kind of a loser fails a French test?)

**2:47 pm**

Helen Keller was the perfect woman, but no one understands, just how talented she was with her hands! Uhhhh!

**7:04 pm**

Holy shit. Jason signed me up for obedience school like I'm some sort of dog or something. I was just there.

So I got home and I was about to go upstairs to sleep, but Jason stopped me and said, "Why are you home?"

I said, "I'm still sick. I told you."

"Well feel better in the next thirty minutes."

"Why?"

"Because I signed you up for obedience school."

"WHAT?!"

"Yea, you head me."

I kicked him and then ran up the stairs and locked my door. Well, at four, he broke down my door and then he and Becca carried me down the stairs, to the car.

Then we went to this fancy country club and I was still kicking Jason and screaming. So he sat me down in a chair and then left real quick like and locked the door. Then a scary-looking lady named Amanda came over and said, "Hello, Nate."

I just stared at her.

She said, "I don't like you, and you don't like me, but you better pay attention. Your brother says you're out of control, which is why he hired me to teach you."

I narrowed my eyes and then said, "Fuck you."

We had this intense moment of us just staring at eachother, and then she slapped me across the face. I was like in shock. Was it even legal for her to slap me? There must be some sort of law against that. Well, I slapped her back. She slapped me again. I slapped her.

When she slapped me once again, I got really pissed and went to go tackle her to the ground, but she grabbed me instead since she's like ten times stronger than I am and held me in a headlock.

I started screaming at her and swearing. I was like the over cusser.

She gasped and said, "Potty mouth! Wash your mouth out with soap!" And then she grabbed my wrists and pulled me into the woman's loo and made me eat a bar of soap. I legit thought I was gonna die. Then she dragged me back into the big room and sat me down at a table with all this icky adult food on it.

Amanda wanted me to eat it like a proper fancy person.

I threw my plate on the ground.

She. Was. Pissed.

She dumped a pitcher of water on me. I went insane. I knocked over the table and ran out the door. (She had left it unlocked.) I ran into the men's loo and hid myself rather well. She found me and carried me back to the room again.

By the time Jason came to pick me up, I was huddled in the corner in a fetal position with pasta sauce all over my clothes and Caesar salad in my hair, which was drenched with iced tea.

Right as Jason walked in the room, I ran over to him and hugged him tightly, still trembling, and cried. He said, "You look like a disaster."

Amanda said, "He really IS a disaster. This is gonna take a while…"

Then Jason took me home and Becca helped me get all the food out of my hair.

**7:35 pm**

Why do I put myself in these situations?

**Dinner**

I am giving Jason the silent treatment. I didn't sit next to him at dinner today like I normally do. I'm gonna make him feel really bad for what he did to me.

**8:08 pm**

You know what really just pisses me off to no end? Water bottle sweat. I hate when things that aren't supposed to be wet are wet. Like when you microwave something with a lid on it and then you take the lid off and all this water goes into your food. Then you're like, "BITCH! Get out! You're disgusting!"

You know what I'm saying?

**Tuesday, June 22**

**3:05 pm**

I faked a fever this morning (thank you, hairdryer!) and Jason let me skip school.

I've been lying in bed all day, doing absolutely nothing. I've just been thinking about how I'm going to get back at Jason.

Perhaps I should act extremely depressed… He'll be so worried he'll practically shit himself!

Hehehe.

**3:13 pm**

I want to go visit my panda today. Her name is Snuffers. How cute!

**3:20 pm**

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to google pictures of pandas.

**3:31 pm**

Bloody hell! The doorbell rang, so I went to answer it, and guess who it was? AMANDA!

I shut the door and locked it and yelled, "You're not welcome here! Go away!"

But too bad so sad for me, Jason let her in.

She's freaking staying in the guest room next to my room. This is not good. Not good at all.

What if she hits me again?

**After dinner**

Tess and I both hate this bitch.

Amanda gave Tess a timeout because she slouched in her seat, which was "not very lady like." Jason says timeouts build character. But he also says the same thing about going to the dentist so I'm not gonna trust his judgement.

Plus also, I reached over to get another croissant, and apparently I can't do that, because she sprayed me with a spray bottle like I'm some sort of cat or something.

Even Shane hates her. He dropped an F bomb at the table, and she squirted him, too.

However, Becca and Jason like her. Weirdos. She's evil, like a Nazi.

**8:05 pm**

Plus also, she's German. All Germans are crazy.

**9:01 pm**

Uhh… The Nazi just sent me to bed. It's nine. Since when is she my mum? She doesn't control me! I'ma do what I want!

**9:14 pm**

Want to know how bored I am right now? I'm peeling wood off of my pencil. This is fail.

**9:37 pm**

It is final. Tomorrow, I become a sad little emo panda. I'll break out the eyeliner and everything.

**Wednesday, June 23**

**Emo-licious day**

**7:46 am**

Just woke up. I normally wake up at eight, but I need to get in the emo mood. Which starts with me being pissed off about getting up early.

**7:49 am**

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realised it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

**School**

Tranny looked a bit shocked when I walked in her classroom all emo like. She was like, "Nate, darling! What's wrong?"

I just looked at her and sat down at my table.

I have Mitchel Musso's song "Hey" stuck in my head.

"Hey! I'm screaming at you! Hey!"

STOP SCREAMING AT ME, MITCHEL! WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN ANGRY?

**8:32 pm**

Today I've done nothing. Which is perfect for being emo. They don't do anything except reapply their makeup and cut themselves.

In French class, I sat in the back and didn't even look at Becca the whole time. I assume she was worried since she called Jason in the middle of class and said, "Jason, I'm worried about Nate."

Then when the bell rang, I ran out of there and went to maths class. I ended up falling asleep (cause I mean, I already had my head on my desk and I woke up early…) and didn't wake up even when the bell rang.

I ended up sleeping through most of my next class. My teacher was too much of a dumbshit to realise I was still there, but then she called Becca and Becca came down to the classroom. By then I was awake and she walked in the room and sat down in a computer chair next to me. I turned away from her and she whispered, "Pandy? What's wrong?"

She talked to me for about ten minutes and then gave up and ended up carrying me to the car. Becca put me in the front seat and I huffed and then got in the backseat instead.

Becca tried everything to make me smile. Or really anything. She took me to Starbucks and played all my favourite Pussy Cat Dolls songs in the car. I resisted the urge to sing along and be happy.

When we got home, she put me on the couch and when she was near tears, she said, "Please, please, say something!"

I turned away from her.

Jason came into the room to see what was wrong and he was all like, "Is he sick?"

Becca said, "No. He just refuses to talk to anyone."

"Well there has to be a reason." Then he poked me and said, "Nate, what's wrong? Tell me and I'll make it better."

I kicked him in the balls.

So while he was like, "Ahhh!" I got off of the couch and locked myself in my room. And went on Facebook. Then I went to go take a nap, and luckily, that was the time Jason decided to break open my door. So I remained looking emo just laying there.

Jason dragged me out of bed by my arm, expecting me to get up and walk with him, but I plopped down on the floor, so he carried me to his car and took me to the zoo. We went right over to the panda exhibit and I saw my little baby Snuffers! It took everything I had in me not to smile or anything. Jason got some of the zoo people to let him into the exhibit and he had all this bamboo. I sat down on a rock and buried my face into my arms.

He was all like, "Look, Nate! I'm feeding the pandas!"

I didn't look up.

"Do you want to feed them, too? There's some bamboo here with your name on it!"

After a bit he started crying. I looked up.

"Please tell me what's wrong!" he begged. "I hate seeing you sad. I'll do anything if it's to see you smile again."

He was so annoying crying, so I finally said, "Get rid of her."

"Who?"

"Amanda."

Jason nodded.

And we went home.

And Amanda got her ass kicked.

**8:52 pm**

Muhahahahaha.

**12:28 am**

So, let's say, hypothetically, that I ate a glow-stick. Am I gonna die?

**12:33 am**

Just threw up neon green. It glows in the dark.

Trippy.

**2:15 am**

Jason came into my room to see what I was doing and saw me throwing up glow-in-the-dark puke and so he took me and Shane to the hospital. (He ate five glow sticks and then passed out on my floor.) Turns out we're fine. Ha.

**2:16 am**

Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed.

**Thursday, June 24**

**9:40 am**

Just woke up. Odd. Wondering why I'm not at school…

**9:53 am**

Neighbour is outside taking a picture of their cat. They look fucking retarded.

**9:57 am**

Jason came in my room and was like, "Hey, Nate. I'm not gonna make you go to school today since you were up late last night."

I said, "Oh. Well. Thanks."

Hmmm, odd. He's being nice. Too nice. I wonder what he's planning.

And up late? I go to bed at three in the morning usually haha.

**11:41 am**

Want to know something retarded? I just found out my real name is …. Simba.

What. The. Fuck.

That has got to be the most retarded thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Simba. Simba? SIMBA?! Come on, Mum!

**11:45 am**

Seriously? Simba Gray? Bloody hell…

**11:47 am**

I am SO tired. I can barely keep my eyes open.

**11:50 am**

Whoa, holy shit, I just realized that the last day of school is next Wednesday. HOORAY!

**11:53 am**

In my bout of boredom, I put a sign on my trashcan that says, "Cum Dumpster." And I put a picture of New Girl on it.

I'm rather proud of my accomplishment.

**11:55 am**

Mum came into the room to see how I was feeling (which is fine, by the way. It's not like I almost died last night haha.) and she saw the Cum Dumpster. And she laughed. And said, "I HATE THAT BITCH'S MUM!"

"You know her?" I asked.

"Of course. Her mum and I got in a fight a year or so ago. Damn, don't you read the tabloids?"

Then I thought back… and YES! INDEED! Mum _did_ get in a fight with someone, I just didn't realize that it was New Girl's mum!

**12:02 pm**

Ooh, girl. It is time to eat some breakfast!

I'm kinda in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich…

**12:08 pm**

Mum came in here and shoved five different tuxes at me.

"What the hell are these for?" I asked her.

She said, "Pick one. For your wedding."

I forgot all about the wedding.

Whoops.

**12:11 pm**

Made a grilled cheese sandwich and Caesar salad. I feel sorta healthy-ish.

**12:18 pm**

I'm kinda excited. Mum's taking me to her final dress rehearsal for her tour with… THE PUSSY CAT DOLLS!

And guess what? No Gene Simmons. Gene and Mum are OVER. We just haven't told the media yet.

Whoops. Oh well.

**12:26 pm**

Jason is Mr. Buzzkillington. I was just about to leave with Mum and he was like, "Whoa there, mister! Where do you think you're going?"

I said, "Mum's rehearsal."

"If you're well enough to go to Mum's rehearsal, you can go to school. Go get dressed in something decent for school."

"Hey, Jason, don't you have some teeth to drill or something?"

Then Mum stepped in and said, "Fuck you, Jason. Damn, you're annoying." Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the car. Haha.

**12:32 pm**

I'm craving Pokemon mac and cheese.

**12:34 pm**

I could have sworn I just saw Billy Ray Cyrus in the car next to us.

Oh my god, if I ever saw Billy Ray Cyrus on the street, I would run to the nearest McGruff house.

**12:46 pm**

"One time, I got high on hash brownies, and then I BOOB FUCKED a girl! It was crazy!" – my mum.

**12:49 pm**

OH MY GOD THE PUSSY CAT DOLLS JUST WALKED RIGHT PAST ME!

I'm pretty sure I just had a stroke.

**12: 53 pm**

**Backstage**

I am sitting backstage at the venue with Mum. We're waiting for the PCD to get off of their lunch break. I'm so excited, I just threw up! Woo!

**1:25 pm**

I think I just died and came back to life.

I met the PCD. They were so nice to me and they all rubbed their titties on me when they hugged me!

BEST. DAY. OF. MY. YOUNG. LIFE.

What makes it even better is that, Mum, PCD, and I are all going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. I'm only fifteen and I've already landed a date with the hottest, sluttiest, pop singers in the world.

**1:42 pm**

Watching PCD perform. So amazing. I'm like sitting here screaming and jumping up and down. I'm so happy I just cried.

**1:45 pm**

Thirsty.

**2:11 pm**

PCD is done rehearsing. Sad. BUT, now Mum gets to perform. I'm really excited.

But I'm still thirsty. I'm gonna find something to drink.

**2:34 pm**

As like an answer to my prayers, someone walked by pushing a cart filled with water bottles.

Me: "Ooh, can I have one of those water bottles?"

Them: "No, sorry, they're for staff only."

Me: "Well, I have a staph infection, does that count?"

They laughed.

Me: "I'M THE SON OF LAUREN GRAY, GIVE ME ONE RIGHT NOW." (Yes, I was really pissed.)

But then they gave me one, so that made me happy inside.

**2:40 pm**

I'm sitting here with the PCD watching Mum perform. Her show is pretty intense. I'm not gonna lie, it's REALLY hot.

Stupid Gene Simmons. I bet if he were here, this would be gross and ugly. Like he is.

**3:11 pm**

BLOODY HELL, IS THAT MISS TRANNY I SEE?!

**3:28 pm**

It WAS her. What the freakin' anus face.

She was on the other side of the arena and so I ran all the way over there and I tapped her on the shoulder. She kinda jumped a bit and then said, "Nate! You have to swear not to tell anyone I'm here!"

I said, "I won't if you tell me why you're here."

Tranny sighed and then said, "I'm here to see Gene."

"Gene isn't even performing with my mum anymore. You're in the wrong place."

"No, he called me and told me to meet me here."

"He called you?"

"Yes."

That's when I figured out that my biology teacher is banging my father. What. The. Hell.

Can my life get anymore fucked up?

**3:33 pm**

Gene and Tranny just left, hand in hand.

**4:50 pm**

I just watched the whole entire show. It was really good. Right when it was over, I started clapping, and then I thought to myself, "Where the hell did all my talent go?"

**4:53 pm**

It just hit me that my father is having an affair with Ms. Tran. Which means in a weird way, if they get married, she's gonna be my step-mum. Which is not cool. At all.

I'm like uber upset right now.

**At dinner with PCD**

We went to this fancy-ass Italian restaurant and we all sat in the back so we wouldn't get mobbed by fans. The waitress kinda freaked out a bit when she saw us, but I think she got all her excitement out before she knocked over all of our drinks.

**7:05 pm**

I don't know if I should tell Mum about the tranny and Gene or not…

Why does life have to be so hard?

**7:42 pm**

Cried.

I was so stressed out about the whole thing that I just started crying. Mum was like, "Whoa, what the fuck?"

Ashley (my favourite Pussycat Doll) just hugged me and said, "Do you want to motorboat me? Would that make you happy, sweetie?"

I was too upset to even do that, so I just cried even harder and she was like, "Uh, okay…"

Then I told Mum about Gene and Tranny and she just stared at me. I guess she was in shock. Then she slammed her fist on the table and got up and left, muttering, "That fucking asshole…"

So that leaves me here with the Pussycat Dolls and a bunch of plates of pasta.

**7:51 pm**

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?


	50. Braces

**Chapter 50**

**Thursday, June 24**

**11:48 pm**

**At the PCD's hotel room**

So as of right now, I am sitting in the living room of the Pussycat Doll's hotel room. Could life get any better?

Well, the only reason why I'm at their hotel is because my mum left to go kill Gene and won't answer her phone. She kinda abandoned me, so the PCDs adopted me as their son for the night. It's quite fun, actually. They're playing dress up with me, which I would normally bitch about, but it's the Pussycat Dolls, so I don't mind.

**11:56 pm**

I need sleep. I'm tired. They are suffocating me with their giant and beautiful titties.

**12:03 am**

It is official. They love me. Like really, really love me. They invited me to be their adopted son. Ha. I said, "SURE!!"

**1:52 am**

It's a school night. I am playing strip poker with the Pussycat Dolls. Fun.

**2:19 am**

I just groped all of the PCDs and grabbed their asses. I'm rather proud of myself right now.

**2:28 am**

This has been the best night of my life. I'm having a dirty dance party with my idols.

**Waaaayyy after the time I should have been in bed**

Well, it's six in the morning. I broke a lamp, a coffee table, and a window. And I get to wake up early to go to school tomorrow otherwise Jason will kick my ass and I will fail! Fun!

No, but in all seriousness, I need to sleep. School tomorrow.

I gotta feelin, that tomorrow's gonna be a bad, bad day.

Oh well, atleast I just got tucked in to bed and kissed by all of the Pussycat Dolls.

And they were in just bras and knickers.

Sex knickers.

Snickers.

Hot.

I feel like I just had sex with all of them at the same time.

**Friday, June 25**

**9:35 am**

Oh my god. I'm exhausted.

PCD had to drive me to school and I plopped down in my desk in homeroom and just fell asleep.

My teacher woke me up and said, "Young man, why are you sleeping in my classroom?"

I told her, "Well, I was chilling with the Pussycat Dolls all night and I went to bed at six."

Then she said I was lying and I shouldn't make excuses. And told me not to say the 'P' word.

By 'P' word did she mean pussy? Or Jew?

**9:41 am**

Why do I have PCD songs stuck in my head? I almost broke out into dance in the middle of the classroom.

**9:45 am**

I feel very light-headed right now…

**9:52 am**

I'm rather upset. No one loves me. I don't get texts from anyone except Twitter. And let me tell you one thing: Miley Cyrus and Mitchel Musso are the BIGGEST Twitter whores in the entire world. And their tweets just piss me off to no extent. I have yet to turn off their tweets to my phone, but if I did that, that would require energy. And I would look like a loser that never got any texts…

I actually changed the Twitter phone number name in my address book to "Some Disney asshole just spam tweeted about their boring lives."

**9:58 am**

Bored. I'm about to text Becca. That's how bored I am right now.

**9:59 am**

Tweet from Miley: "Yeah. I love when people mistake bravery with writing a few stupid tweets trying to make it seem like they don't care. You're afraid to love."

SHUT THE FUCK UP, MILEY.

I think her tweets are purposely supposed to make us pissed off.

**10:01 am**

Was I high when I subscribed to her tweets?

Probably.

**10:22 am**

Why do I suddenly feel an urge to be a giant bitch to everyone?

**10:51 am**

Walked into Tranny's room. Stopped. Looked at her. Said rather loudly in front of the entire class, "I can't look at you the same knowing that you fucked my dad last night."

I got a detention.

**1:44 pm**

Just overheard someone say, "You're lucky you're not hanging out with Nick. He doesn't wear shoes and he likes to talk about sex. To everyone."

Nick Jonas…?

**1:47 pm**

You know what? Perhaps I should call my good buddy Nick Jonas and invite him to my wedding. Haha.

**1:51 pm**

Texted Nick. I said, "Hey Nick. Sup?"

He texted back, "Who the hell is this?"

Wow. I thought he loved me. Bee eff effs for life, am I right?

**1:51 pm and thirty seconds**

Wait 'BFFs for life' would be "Best friends forever for life." That makes no sense.

**1:52 pm**

Lord knows I'm weak, won't somebody get me off of this reef?

**4:11 pm**

So excited! Jason just texted me and told me that he made an appointment for me to get my braces off TOMORROW! That means tomorrow I will finally be done with five years of hell!

And yes, I've had braces for five years.

**4:13 pm**

OH HOLY SHIT THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST TOMORROW!

What if it hurts?!

**4:14 pm**

Fuck fuck fuck.

Oh look, school's over.

**11:25 pm**

Did I really just get up, walk over to the light\fan switch, and not turn it off?

**Saturday, June 26**

**10:03 am**

Just woke up. OH EM GEE, I get my braces off today!

**10:41 am**

I heard somewhere that once you have a baby, your vag sags about two inches. So think about it… Octomum had fourteen kids. Two times fourteen equals?

A lot.

**10:42 am**

Hahaha gross.

"I just tripped over my skirt! Wait, that wasn't my skirt…"

**10:58 am**

Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell!

I cannot find my ipod! This is bad. I can't go to the dentist unless I have music. It sounds so scary!

**11:03 am**

It's okay! I found it! It was on my desk haha.

While on my quest, I stopped to have a cheese stick break! Yum!

**11:42 am**

Whoops, I'm sitting here making fun of Taylor Swift.

Oh well.

**12:23 pm**

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

**12:27 pm**

Time is going by way too slow. I'm so excited to get these damn braces off.

**Five seconds later**

But I'm scared. Jason's scary.

**11:21 pm**

I AM SO PRETTY!

I can't stop looking at myself in a mirror. So fabbity fab. I could be a super model. Honestly. Like I am so sexy, all the sexy people of the world are jealous. I'm so sexy, I make sexy jealous.

And the dentist visit was pretty okay, actually. I didn't freak out. At all. Okay, well maybe a little bit. And Jason was cleaning my teeth and DAYUM GIRL!! I looked hot right after. Insta-sexy.

**11:22 pm**

I bet you wish you were as sexy as I am.

**12:06 am**

Okay. It's time for the most exciting part of the night: Retainer time!

**12:09 am**

Going to bed now.

**12:12 am**

WAIT!!! I forgot to tell you!

I got married!

Yea. Oops. It slipped my mind. It was boring and stupid and I kept looking at my watch and thinking of a way I could escape. Not interesting at all. At the after party, I ran away to McDonald's.

What a snooze fest!

But what was hilarious, was that Shane got drunk and then fell into the bowl of punch and slammed his head into the giant wedding cake. Mum was devastated, but I laughed my ass off.

**2:37 am**

Just failed epically at taking a pain killer. I put it in my mouth, went to drink some water, choked on water, spit up the pill, lost it somewhere in my room, and spilled a water bottle all over my laptop. FML.

**2:38 am**

Bahahaha I love how I said I was going to bed at 12:09. Haha, yeah right.

I can't sleep cause my retainer is a bitch.

**Sunday, June 27**

**11:49 am**

I had a hallucination last night that there was a tree in my bedroom that was trying to eat me… Don't do drugs.


	51. Soggy Tortillias

**Chapter 51**

**Wednesday, July 7**

**11:54 pm**

Sorry I couldn't write in you for a long time. Damn Mum made me give you to her for Tess's and my honeymoon. Which was stupid as fuck.

All we did was go to Hawaii and sit on the beach and drink lemonade, and then Mum called and told me we couldn't come back until Tess's eggo was preggo. Which was gross. Because let me tell you something – vaginas are the scariest mythical creatures that you will ever (hopefully not) stumble across. They're nasty and disgusting and look like they're gonna eat your dick off.

So, I was sitting there on the bed, in the NUDDY PANTS, and so was Tess, and I couldn't do it. It was so scary. I freaked out and when I tried to do it, I fainted.

Yes. Fainted.

And I tried to do it three more times and I ended up crying. It was awful.

But yeah, we told Mum that her eggo is preggo, even though it's not. Cause frankly, we were sick of Hawaii. I don't like surfing and Tess got stung by a jellyfish and I had to pee on her. Which was gross.

**11:59 pm**

Fuck, does this mean I'm gay?

**12:02 am**

Ohhhh lordy. How am I going to explain this to Mum?

**12:03 am**

Unless I'm not gay. Then I don't have to tell her I'm gay. Cause I'm not gay.

**1:26 am**

Confused. Been pondering this for a long time.

**1:30 am**

I hate to do it, but I think I might have to have an intense conversation with Jason about this tomorrow…

**1:37 am**

Blarg. Goodnight.

**Thursday, July 8**

**12:26 pm**

Just talked with Jason.

That has got to have been the most AWKWARD conversation I've EVER had with him in my ENTIRE life. (Except for when he talked to me about that one thing you REALLY don't need to know about.)

But, whatever. His boyfriend's little brother is a slutty homosexual 16-year-old and he's going to be coming over TONIGHT. And apparently, me and him are gonna play seven minutes in heaven to find out if I'm actually gay.

I don't know how this is going to work out, but whatever. Jason went to college so he's smart.

**12:30 pm**

Okay. What. The. Fuck.

I swear to god, we have ten packs of Jello in our fridge.

**12:39 pm**

Me and Shane were talking about sexy. And he said something about librarians.

I was like, "Did you just say librarians were sexy?"

And he said, "Oh yes. Cause librarians really work my shit."

I laughed for about five minutes straight. It was hysterical.

Okay, maybe not, but I thought it was. At the time it was really funny.

**12:43 pm**

Shane just asked me how to spell burger.

**12:58 pm**

Mumsie Dearest wants me to switch schools. I don't know why. She showed me this pamphlet for this school she wants me to go to. There was a picture of these kids. They were the most disgusting, ghetto, hick, gross, disgusting (wait I already said disgusting), lame excuses for teenagers I have ever seen in my entire life.

They were doing this lame ass pose with their thumbs up and these stupid smiles. One of the kids had their hand over their face. (Retard.) And then ALL of them looked like they hadn't showered in a week. I swear to god, it was disgusting. And I'm pretty sure one of them was wearing a trash bag.

**1:39 pm**

Cockroaches are so scary. I went into the loo and I saw one over in the corner. I blinked and it was gone. What the hell?

**1:58 pm**

Internet isn't working. Crap. What will I do with my life now?

**2:14 pm**

Wrote a fan letter to Alexander Rybak, the hottest little Norwegian nugget violin player in the universe.

**2:16 pm**

Shit, wait a second. I just called a guy hot.

BLOODY HELL, I _AM_ GAY!

**2:19 pm**

Wow, this lemonade I'm drinking is making my throat all sticky and gross like after giving someone a blow job or something.

**2:20 pm**

Yet I can't stop drinking it…

**2:23 pm**

I've decided that the Bible is the older version of Twitter. Except they had more than 140 characters to work with.

**2:41 pm**

For some reason my tongue hurts. And I have no idea why. But it's pissing me off.

**2:46 pm**

I'm on Tranny alert. I could have sworn I just saw the green Prius I bought for her driving down our street.

**2:47 pm**

Watching That's So Raven. In this episode, a cricket gets loose in their house. If this were Desperate Housewives, a poisonous snake would be in their house.

**2:50 pm**

Going to the mall with Smitchie.

The internet still isn't working. Sad.

**2:52 pm**

WHAT THE HELL!? Shane just jumped out of the window!

**2:53 pm**

No, no, he's fine. He didn't get hurt or anything. He's just an idiot and has the IQ of a garden snail.

**At the mall**

Stopped for a late lunch at the mall food court. Mitchie wanted me to buy some khaki shorts from the GAP. I said, "Mitchie, I'm not a mid-western lesbian, I'll never wear these."

She bought them anyway cause she said I'd look cute in them.

Which I don't.

At all.

I tried them on and I looked like a lesbian.

**7:05 pm**

So, the mall today was fun.

Shane jumped into the fountain. Mitchie ate five hotdogs. I got dressed up as a lesbian. And Mitchie's water broke. All over my shoe.

We both started screaming and everyone in Dillard's looked at us. Then Mitchie screamed, "OH MY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST! MY VAGINA JUST EXPLODED!" Then she was like, "Shane! Get your ass over here!"

Then Shane ran over, picked up Mitchie, and just sprinted towards the car. I had to attempt to keep up. They almost left without me.

Anyway, we made quite an entrance in the emergency room.

Mitchie was screaming her ass off and Shane was still carrying her, and I was just kinda there.

Everyone looked at us.

I called Mum and Jason and Becca and Tess and they called the paparazzi and reality TV show people. So now we're sitting here with five cameras, our whole family minus Gene, and a few doctors, waiting for Mitchie's kid to pop out.

**7:06 pm**

And Shane just got up, said, "Damn, if we're gonna do this, I need some vodka," and left.

**Friday, July 9**

**3:12 am**

I'm still here. Mitchie's been screaming for like five hours. Her kid does NOT want to come out into the world.

I don't blame him. Or her. (We still don't know the gender.) The world is a horrible place filled with a bunch of assholes. Like Miley Cyrus. And the Jonas Brothers.

**3:20 am**

Got some Fritos from the vending machine. This whole experience reminds me of that movie, "Knocked Up." Except this whole disgusting scene is longer than a minute. It's been a good seven hours.

**3:28 am**

My ears hurt. I have a headache. Mitchie needs to shut up.

**4:01 am**

HAHAHA.

Mitchie: "I hate you, Shane!"

Shane: "What did I do?"

Mitchie: "You did this to me! You and your stupid boy penis!"

Shane: "It's not my fault!"

Mitchie: "Yes it is!"

Then Shane ran out of the room.

**4:32 am**

Shane just came back into the room and said, "I puked in the mini-fridge."

I looked at him and said, "There is no mini-fridge in here…?"

"Oh. Then what did I puke in?"

Then he shrugged it off and sat back down in his chair.

**4:40 am**

"I can't do it, Shane! Will you do it for me?" – Mitchie

**6:52 am**

AWWW! Smitchie's baby is so cute! It's a little girl! (Cue the awws.)

**7:01 am**

They wanted to name her Marijuana. We were thinking of names and Shane said, "Mary Jane!" Mitchie agreed.

I said, "Are you serious? You want to name your kid after a drug?"

They both nodded.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course _you_ would. How about something nice? Like… Katheryn?"'

"How about Crystal?" Mitchie suggested. "Her middle name could be Meth!"

Smitchie high-fived.

I said, "This is why teenaged pregnancy is a bad thing."

**7:12 am**

We've decided on the name Autumn. Autumn Leaf Torres-Gray. (I know, right? They named her Autumn even though it's summer.)

It wasn't my first choice, but it was either that or X Stacy, so I'm pretty okay with it.

Tess and I got to hold Autumn for the first time a moment ago and Tess got so emotional. She started crying and hugged me and said, "Let's have a baby!"

I just patted her on the back.

Uhh… okay, crazy woman.

**7:13 am**

Maybe I should tell her I'm gay.

**Home**

I've been up for twenty-four hours. It's time to sleep.

Nighty morning.

**Saturday, July 10**

**3:14 pm**

Gene's back.

He rang our doorbell and I looked through the little peeper hole and I saw him and I screamed.

Mum came over to the door and opened it and she yelled at him for like an hour.

He came back to apologize to Mum. He even started crying in his apology to us. And he told us he broke up with Tranny and apologized a whole bunch. And gave Mum some roses and gave me a chocolate bunny. I threw it away.

I bet it was poisoned.

I still don't trust that guy.

Mum does, however. She and him are like doing it. Right now. I guess she forgives him.

**5:08 pm**

We're "starting fresh."

A new family. A new life. A new beginning.

Only we're still living in Kiwi-a-gogo land, I'm still Nate, Gene's still a dick hole, and the day doesn't feel any different.

I'm not forgiving him. Something just doesn't seem right about him. I mean, no one with an ounce of pride comes back and apologizes to their family.

Right?

**5:11 pm**

Fine, okay maybe I am being a little irrational.

**5:12 pm**

OKAY, a lot irrational. Happy now?

**6:34 pm**

Dear Smitchie's baby: SHUT THE HELL UP. THANKS. LOVE, NATE.

**8:49 pm**

Ew, we're having tacos for dinner.

**Sunday, July 11**

**1:11 pm**

Gene went to church with us. Everyone except me and Autumn sat in the service. Autumn started crying so of course I was the one that had to take her out to the playground.

It's fucking hot out today. So it sucked.

**3:25 pm**

He's taking us on a family vacation to the west coast. I don't even know what the hell is over there. I don't even know why the hell he's taking us on a vacation. I mean, sure school's out and everything, but why do we need to go on a family vacation?

**10:46 pm**

I kiss a boy and I… liked it?

The taste of his cherry chapstick?

T'is true. Jason took me to a party his boyfriend was throwing just for gay men. It was very fabulous, everyone was dressed nicely, none of the colours clashed, it was obviously NOT the work of a heterosexual.

I found a guy my age and he even invited me to dance with him. And he kissed me. And I really enjoyed it.

Wow.

I need to divorce Tess.

**11:15 pm**

Tomorrow, Jason is having a party with a bunch of his dentist friends at his office. Jason wants me go. I swear to god, if this is another trick so that they can torture me again, I'll pull a knife on them and kill all of them.

**Monday, July 12**

**5:12 am**

Woke up at five this morning. Couldn't go back to sleep for some reason.

**5:44 am**

Disney Channel plays all the shitty shows this early in the morning.

**8:39 am**

Fell asleep at eight. Jason woke me up ten minutes later and said, "It's time to go!"

I slapped him in the face and then got up.

Now we're driving to his work.

**8:52 am**

Wow. Party doesn't start until two.

Why the hell am I here so early?

**1:05 pm**

Fell asleep in the corner of the room like some sort of a hobo or something. I woke up once and Jason was like drilling someone's teeth out or something. I was like, "That's lovely," and then I went back to bed.

Now he's making me walk across the street to go get the food he ordered from Chick-Fil-A. Wow. Fastfood? How… classy.

**1:46 pm**

Went to Chick-Fil-A to pick up food for the party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, "Is this for here or to go?" FML.

**2:19 pm**

Can this party be any more boring?

It's just a bunch of boring old people sitting around talking about boring things. They shut down the whole office for an hour so they can sit here, talk about the state of the economy, and eat crappy chicken.

**2:50 pm**

Bollocks.

Jason was like, "Nate, where's your retainer?"

And everyone looked at me. And I kinda shrugged. "I threw it away."

And then Jason gasped and said, "Nate! Why didn't you tell me earlier you did this!? Do you want your teeth to move back to the way they were?!"

And then I shrugged and said, "I don't really give a shit."

"Why the hell did you throw it away!?"

"Cause it smelled like soggy tortillas…"

And then he gave me a timeout.

And is making me a new retainer.

How did I know coming to this party would be a bad idea?

**Wednesday, July 14**

**4:24 pm**

Right now, we are in Gene's car, driving to some sort of vacation place. (Becca, Mitchie, and Autumn stayed behind. Who knows why?) I don't even know where we're going. And Shane's sipping on Vodka.

**10:10 pm**

Shane's drunk.

**11:52 pm**

Wow. Well, my life certainly is fucked up.

I just almost died.

Let me explain.

Gene took us to this really sketchy location in the middle of nowhere. And then he stopped the car and turned around with a gun in his hand and said, "OKAY, NOBODY MOVE OR I SHOOT!"

So, of course, I didn't move. I mean, he's a crazy son of a bitch.

Then he said, "I'm gonna kill you all!" and some other crazy people talk.

I was scared. I was so scared I even peed myself a little bit.

He grabbed Mum's hand pulled her out of the car, and then tied her up to a stop sign. Jason and I just kinda looked at each other and then he took us out of the car and tied us up with her.

Shane was still in the car!

Then, while pointing the gun at us, Gene said, "There's a bomb in the car. You have to sit here and watch Shane die. Then you're next, Jason."

Mum started hysterically crying. Turns out she really does love us.

Gene then untied Mum and held on to her close and forced her to stare at the car. And then there was a giant-ass explosion and I flinched. The car Shane was in blew up into a billion gajillion pieces.

Then Jason turned to me and said, "Nate, no matter what, I'll always love you." Then he started crying.

I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" the entire time. I couldn't cry. It seemed so unreal.

(Gene must have watched too much Desperate Housewives, cause this whole thing was sorta like an episode I saw once.)

Gene then turned to Mum. "Your turn. Shoot one of them."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

"Yea, you heard me. I'm letting you pick. You get to keep one child. Shoot one. Preferably Nick."

I yelled, "IT'S NATE!"

Gene kicked me. "Shut up!"

I decided to be quiet after that.

"I'm not gonna shoot one of my children!" Mum protested.

Gene frowned and kicked her really hard. So hard she fell to the ground. Jason started crying and I closed my eyes.

Then she got up. Gene puts the gun against her head. "Shoot one of them, or I shoot both of them _and_ you."

So Mum nods. She takes the gun and points it at us.

My mouth flew open. "Mum, you can't be serious! You cannot just kill one of us! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?"

Jason just started crying even harder.

She was gonna shoot me. I swear to god, that crazy bitch aimed it right at me for ten seconds. I knew she was gonna do it. She stared straight into my eyes in an intense moment. Then she put her finger on the trigger.

I yell, "MUM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

A gun went off.

I close my eyes and gasp.

And that's how my mum killed my own brother.

No, I'm totally kidding.

She shot it at the ground and then in one swift motion, kicked her leg up behind her, hit Gene right in the balls with her Stiletto, and then shot him.

I legit thought I had died. I thought I was having some sort of crazy-ass out-of-body experience. I was like, "Whoa, Heaven looks a lot like the street I was just on."

Then I saw Mum stand there, staring at Gene's nearly-dead body. She looked pissed. He was still alive, gasping for air. She dropped the gun and said, "You sick son of a bitch." And then kicked him again.

I'm pretty sure he died after that.

Mum then untied Jason and me, and we had this moment. Like an actual, touching, family moment.

Then Mum started crying and said, "I can't believe that asshole killed Shane."

We all started crying and mourning the loss of Shane, when all of the sudden, Shane stumbles out of know where and says, "Yo, dude, where'd the party go? They were all sitting on my knees a moment ago…" We just stare at him, in shock. "Oh, no, don't worry. It didn't hurt. We were in a bowl." Then he threw up in the grass.

Mum runs over to him and hugs him, kissing him on the head many times. "Shane! You're all right! I thought I had lost you!"

Then he says, "Dude, where's the loo? I have to take a massive dump…"

He ruined the moment, but it didn't matter.

It didn't matter because we were all a big happy family again.

Sorta.


	52. Epilogue

**Chapter 52**

**Sunday, September 23**

**2:52 pm**

Dear Diary,

It has been a long time since I've written in you. No offense, but you kinda pissed me off. And I had a GREAT summer. Mum's world tour started the week after we got back from our no-so lovely family vacation. She performed in Kiwi-a-gogo land, and then went to Australia. And guess who got to go with her?

That's right. Me.

Jason, Shane, Mitchie, and Becca stayed back to take care of Autumn (and as I think about it, she really should have been named Summer) and so it was just me, Mum, and the Pussycat Dolls on an almost two month long tour. (BTW, the first show was hysterical! Mum was two hours late and she walks on stage and everyone just stares at her. She goes, "What, you thought I wasn't gonna show up? That would be unprofessional.")

We went EVERYWHERE! I saw my old mates in London and then the best part was when we went to Texas. Right when I woke up on the plane and saw that we were at the DFW airport, I legit screamed. It was quite possibly the happiest moment of my life.

And then it got better.

I got off the plane and who was to be there but my best friends. I was so happy I cried. Mum set the whole surprise up for me. We all went out to dinner and then to the concert that night.

But wait, it gets so much better.

Dallas was the last stop on the tour. After the concert, I thought we were going back to the airport to get on the plane and head back to Kiwi-a-gogo land, but nope! We drove to my old house.

I freaked out when we pulled into the driveway.

Apparently, Mum had it rebuilt into the exact same way it was before Shane and Mitchie burned it down to the ground. I ran inside and my room was almost exactly the same. The furniture was in the same place and the walls were the same colour and the carpet was still purple. Oh, how I love the way it doesn't match my red walls!

I guess it's those little things in life that just make you smile.

Gene's gone. Dead. That's the last we'll ever see of him or hear about him. Except for in People magazine and on TV, but that's about it.

You know you're home when you just smile. For no reason. Even when it's pouring rain and you're sitting out in your driveway, getting drenched, writing in your diary which has somehow become your best friend in the past year, and you look out at your street and see the familiar houses and all the familiar sights, sounds, smells.

I'm home. This is where I belong. No matter how much I hate the Texas heat, or the Republicans, it's where I need to be.

Because right now I'm actually happy. Even though I'm about to get struck by lighting and Becca is yelling at me to "GET BACK IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN! ARE YOU CRAZY!?" I can't help but to smile.

Having a near-death experience has really taught me to keep my head up high and smile. Colours are brighter, the world seems like a less depressing place…

Bitch, I'm Nate fucking Gray and I'm gonna be happy whether you fucking like it or not.

And thus, Diary, I lay you down to rest. In this trashcan. Where I will never see you again. You shall go off to a land fill, contributing to global warming and the murder of helpless sea creatures, or perhaps, you will end up in a drunken hobo's trousers.

Where ever it may be that you lay, I hope that no one ever fucking finds you.

That would be problematic.

So, Diary, thanks. Thanks so much for being my only friend.

Goodbye.

Love,

Nathaniel Bernard Gray

PS- I love you.


	53. McHeartattack

**A\N: AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER!! HAHAHA! No, there are still THREE more books in the Dear Diary series. Book one, which you just read, was called "Ps I love you." This next book, the second one, is called "Stuck In A Fairytale." Enjoy and tell me what you think!**

**Chapter 1**

**Wednesday, September 30**

**6:18 pm**

Dear Diary,

Hi. I'm back. Jason noticed that you were gone, so he dug through the trash (which, oddly enough, no one has taken out in a week) and then told me that "I had to write in you a lot or he would send me back to Dr. Bob, AKA the hobo therapist from hell." And that was NOT going to happen.

So, here I am.

Oh, and sorry you're kinda dampish right now. I Lysoled you.

**9:55 pm**

I've noticed that my shoes like to untie themselves a lot. Damn tennis shoes and their damn self-untying laces.

**9:56 pm**

I just used 'damn' twice in that last sentence. No 'f' words. Hell, I haven't even said fuck in the past week, now that I think about it.

Wait, I just did.

Wait a sec, maybe Jason was right… maybe you really do help me become less of an angry person…?

**9:58 pm**

No, no, no that's bullshit.

**10:02 pm**

YOU KNOW WHAT'S ALSO BULL SHIT?!

This is the last Wednesday of summer.

Yes, school starts back up October 6.

I know, that seems kinda late, but some douche bag (hero) decided to burn down the school in July and so no school until they found a replacement building. Which I hear is pretty damn ghetto.

**10:04 pm**

And it's in the EAST side of the town. That's the ghetto side. People get shot there. The west side is where all the classy people are.

**10:11 pm**

Jason is crazy.

He made me pasta for dinner, and it didn't have enough Parmesan cheese on it, so I put some more on and he goes, "NOOO!!! WE NEED TO SAVE THAT!"

I said, "Jason, chill out."

"We don't have any more after that."

"Well then go to the store and buy some. Goddamn, we're not on food ration. We're not in the Holocaust, dumbass."

And then I poured a whole fuck load of cheese on my pasta just to get back at him.

And my plan would have worked really well if my pasta wasn't now over-cheesed. Now it's nasty.

And for some reason, cold and soggy.

**10:17 pm**

Went into the kitchen to heat up my pasta in the microwave (which Shane is convinced is magic when he's high) and right when I walked in, Jason said to me, and I quote, "Hey, girl, hey!"

Uhh, okay, Tyra.

And then before I left, I took more cheese.

**10:23 pm**

Becca just came into my room, looking like she had just cried, and then ate all my pasta. Bitch.

**Thirty seconds later**

Wait a second. I should show compassion and understanding. Becca was obviously crying and I called her a bitch. Whoops, I better go apologize.

**10:24 pm**

See, that was me trying to be a better, more nicer person.

Damn, what has gotten into me?

Perhaps I'm coming down with the flu or pneumonia or flesh-eating bacteria.

**Thursday, September 31**

**2:11 pm**

Slept in Becca's room last night. She was all sniffly and crying and snot was running out of her nose. It was rather unattractive, but I guess it doesn't matter since she's now boyfriend-less.

Yes, her boyfriend of five years just broke up with her cause she moved across the world and he couldn't handle that.

So, I slept in her bed with her last night cause she just kept carrying on and on about how much of a dickhole he was, and OF COURSE I was the one who just HAD to listen.

When it got to three in the morning, I just fell asleep in the middle of what she was ranting on about. Sure, it was kinda a douche-ish thing to do in her time of need, but I was tired. And it goes me first, others second.

**2:14 pm**

Jason just informed me that it is indeed the other way around.

Well, I'm just a failure, aren't I?

**5:53 pm**

Whitney invited me over to her house for dinner and sleepover. I'm excited! Finally, someone realised that all I've been doing for the past week was sitting in my room, all alone, reading Wizards of Waverly Place fanfiction!

And I'm serious about the fanfiction thing. That's how bored I've been.

**5:57 pm**

I just threw up a McDonald's mighty kids meal with McNuggets and a McFlurry and McFrenchFries and a McDietCoke and now I have some McHeartburn.

McNasty.

**5:58 pm**

Going over to Whitney's now.

**6:05 pm**

Shane drove me over to Whitney's. He drove me, high, like always, and he just crashed into a tree in the front lawn of Whitney's mean, republican neighbours. And I think they're dentists. So that makes them extra mean. They are NOT happy with him right now.

**6:09 pm**

"Tell your trees not to get so close to my car next time, okay, poop faces?!" – Shane.

Right after he said that, he got back into his now-totaled car and drove off all quick like, swirving on the road into all of the other lanes. And I think the evil dentists just called the cops on him.

**6:13 pm**

I just watched my brother get arrested. Cool.

**6:14 pm**

Wait a second, that's not cool.

**6:28 pm**

Whitney is teaching me the dance to "Fergalicious" that she made up.

**6:29 pm**

What's Fergie's last name?

**Ten seconds later**

I think it's Ferg.

**6:32 pm**

Bwaha.

I just now remembered that Whitney and I spoofed this song in seventh grade when it came out. We made a song called "Giraffealicious." We had a dance and everything. I started doing the Giraffealicious dance instead of the one she's trying to teach me.

**8:26 pm**

We just painted each other's nails! How adorable!

**9:50 pm**

Sitting here thinking.

Whitney pushed me into mud, so I called her a fat bitch and I pushed her into some mud. Then we had to both go take showers. Well, I used her parent's shower and I saw a scale in there. So to settle my curiosity, I weighed myself.

I weigh almost one-hundred sixty pounds.

I feel like such a fat ass.

I just said to myself, "Hey, maybe being bulimic won't be so bad."

Fuck my life.

**10:47 pm**

Shane just called me cause he wants me to bail him out of jail. I said, "Call Jason." He said, "DON'T HANG UP, I ONLY GET ONE PHONE CALL!" But too bad so sad, I hung up.

Oh well. A night in jail might just be the remedy he needs.

**10:58 pm**

Reminicing on memories and listening to some old CDs we found.

We're listening to Aaron Carter.

I'm pretty sure every little kid had that CD in like third grade.

Now he's all old and crusty.


	54. Ghetto

**Chapter 2**

**Saturday, October 3**

**8:00 pm**

Went into my room and saw Miley eating my retainers. … Oh well.

**8:02 pm**

I am fat. Therefore, I am doing butt-ups.

**8:09 pm**

I made it to one hundred. I feel like Mr. Macho Butt. As in my butt is really firm and excellent.

**8:18 pm**

Jason just came into my room sporting baggy slate-coloured pants, a slate-coloured shirt, and a slate-coloured sweater. I don't want to insult him, but let's be honest. All I'm saying is that if you had been mugged by an African water animal, and the safari police placed Jason in a lineup with four rhinos, it would have been pretty hard to disqualify him as a suspect.

I said, "Jason, you're gay. Dress better."

He just huffed and said, "I thought you would appreciate it."

"That is _vomitmar._"

That's a little word I made up. Or maybe it's Spanish, I don't know.

**8:40 pm**

I went downstairs to go eat dinner with Jason and Becca, and I was talking to Jason, and then he made this disgusted face and said, "When was the last time you brushed your teeth, good lord!"

And I kinda shrugged a bit and tried to get off the subject.

"No, really," he continued. "How often do you brush? Hopefully, after every meal."

I said, "Well, I only brush my teeth when I remember. But I mean, it's not my top priority or anything."

Then he gave me this really weird look and said, "Do you even know where your toothbrush is?"

I had to think about this long and hard. (Haha. I'm rather immature. I just giggled after I wrote that. Which reminds me of something funny Jason said the other day. He said, "Well, it's not too terribly hard or long!") Finally, I said, "I… uh… well…"

"YOU LOST IT?!"

"No! I did not lose it! I just misplaced it for an extended period of time."

"UNACCEPTABLE!"(That's his favourite word.) "NATHANIEL BERNARD GRAY, I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU."

I just shrugged and twiddled my thumbs.

Then he grabbed me rather violently by my hair (which really hurt) and pulled me out of my chair and marched me over to my room and handed me a toothbrush and stood there until I brushed my teeth.

I slammed my door once he finally left and screamed, "I HATE YOU!"

I'm an angry teenager.

**8:52 pm**

I'm going to go to bed early for once. It will be good for me.

Actually, this is nothing of my choosing.

Jason has grounded me and is forcing me to go to bed before nine.

Jackass.

**8:57 pm**

Oh thank god, he left.

Jason was sitting in my room, waiting for me to fall asleep.

I said, "Jason, I can't sleep with you watching me."

So he got up, said, "I'll check on you in ten minutes. If you're not sleeping, you'll be in big trouble, mister," and then he left.

Maybe I should really go to bed. I mean, he knows how to torture people; he's a dentist.

**9:04 pm**

Guess who's not asleep!?

**9:07 pm**

One of my eyes just clouded up. I don't think that's good.

**Sunday, October 4**

**10:34 am**

Ahh, sweet relief. Church. The one place where I can get away from Jason for an hour and a half.

He goes to the service, and I go to my little class with all my friends.

**After church**

All we did today at church was play Twister. And I'm completely serious. It was fun.

But boo hoo, now we're going out to eat at a restaurant. It would be cool if it were just Becca and me, but Jason's going too, and I'm not speaking with him right now.

**12:37 pm**

AWWWKKKWWARRRDDDD.

Silent lunches are not fun. They are awkward.

Jason just broke the silence by saying, "Glad to see you're writing in your journal, Nate."

I just kinda stared at him with this pissed off look on my face.

**12:38 pm**

You know, being bulimic really wouldn't be _that_ bad…

After all, beauty IS pain.

**3:06 pm**

I just bought a new iPod! Now I have to get it to work!

**3:09 pm**

Why won't it turn on?

**3:14 pm**

BLOODY HELL!

**3:22 pm**

Ohhhh… Shit.

So there I was, sitting in my room, trying to get my damn new iPod to work.

Well, it didn't.

I got so unbelievably pissed off that I just threw my iPod at the wall.

Apparently, me and my upper-arm strength of a kitten, is actually very strong. I put a hole in the wall. Needless to say, my iPod is broken for good.

**4:18 pm**

I just failed epically.

I looked at the word 'iced' and said, "Is that a real word?"

Indeed it is.

It's like that one time Mum put a bumper sticker on the Shit Mobile (the family car) that said 'KNIT' and I looked at it, and went, "What the hell does that even mean?!"

**5:02 pm**

Facebook just reminded me that there's school tomorrow.

Damn it. I had managed to get that out of my mind and completely forget about it until now.

I better have Becca for French. If I don't, I'll shoot that damn counselor that didn't put me in her class.

**5:04 pm**

Oh, you think I'm kidding.

**Dinner**

Becca's pouting.

She found out the school she's working at temporarily while they rebuild our normal, less-ghetto school is ghetto.

She was like, "I can't work at a place where people get shot and where they only change the carpets once every eighteen years. This is NOT going to happen!"

Then Jason was like, "Well, at least you HAVE a job. I can't find a single job opening!"

And I said, "No, Jason, there ARE jobs available, it's just that no one wants to hire you because you're a prick."

Then Jason went into a rant about how he wasn't a prick (which he is) and about the state of the economy. When he started using big economical words, I zoned out.

But, then again, when do I ever actually pay attention to what Jason says?

**7:22 pm**

Went last-minute school supply shopping with Becca. Most of the places were closed cause it's Sunday (bullshit) and apparently stores close early on Sunday because God ("god") made that day to rest, but how can God rest if there's millions of people taking the day off to pray for him? It just doesn't make any sense! And what the fuck is up with Chick-fil-a?!

But anyway, we bought a lot of crap, and I saw these black erasers that apparently don't make eraser dust. But honestly, who really gives a shit about eraser dust anyway?

Oh, and we had to go to Walmart, too, because it was the only place that was open. That place is so ghetto. But I guess its preparation for going to our new ghetto school tomorrow.

**7:31 pm**

My feet smell like chicken noodle soup. Just thought I'd share.

**8:17 pm**

Becca and Jason got into the most hilarious fight. Well, it wasn't really a fight, it was more of a bicker, but still. I thoroughly enjoyed being there to witness it.

Becca crumpled up a piece of paper, held it up, and said, "See this? This is the size of your brain!"

Then, Jason took it, and held it out, saying, "See this? This is the size of your boobs!"

She scoffed and said, "My bosoms are large and amazing!" Then Becca rubbed her titties all over him and he shrieked like a little girl and ran away like the flaming homosexual he is.

It made my day.

**8:34 pm**

Jason's making me go to bed now, because he's a loser with no life because he doesn't have a job.

And because he's a prick.

**Monday, October 5**

**6:12 am**

Jason came into my room at six and woke me up. He sang, "Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!"

I got so pissed off after the third round of him singing it that I punched him in the face and gave him a nosebleed.

My work here is done.

**Breakfast**

It's way too early to be awake. Damn school. I already dozed off twice, eating my cereal.

Jason is eating a banana. I find this rather ironic and slightly hilarious, considering his sexual orientation.

We know what he likes to do while we're away at school.

**7:55 am**

Jason just told me that Swine Flu is back.

I said, "No one actually gets it, it's a myth."

"Shane got it," he fired back.

"Well he didn't die."

"Shane is a freak of nature. He could overdose on all the drugs at one time and he wouldn't die."

True…

So he rambled on and on about "prevention" and all that bullshit. Right before I closed the door to Becca's car, I screamed, "I hope you die of Swine Flu, Jason!" and then slammed the car door right in his face. Then Becca slapped me.


	55. EEEPPPPIIILLEEEEPPPSSSYYYYY

**Chapter 3**

**Monday, October 5**

**8:13 am**

Still driving in the car. Becca took a wrong turn and so we had to turn all the way around and go back and try again.

Now we're lost in the ghetto and everything's in Spanish and out car looks VERY out of place.

**8:20 am**

Why do I feel like I'm going to get shot being here?

**8:47 am**

We finally found the school. It looks like a prison and has bars on the windows. Oh. My. God.

**8:51 am**

Becca just called Jason. "Jason, dear, if we don't make it home today, assume the worst." Then she turned to me and said, "Leave all valuables in the car. Bring no cash with you," and she took off her gold earrings and all of her diamond bracelets and necklaces.

**9:06 am**

School doesn't start until nine-thirty and so I'm sitting in Becca's room, watching her look around in disgust.

Her room has a chalkboard, ghetto desks, a dinosaur of a computer, and graffiti on the walls.

She just said, "Where's the Mac computer? I don't understand PCs!"

Oh, and also, I sat down in a desk and it collapsed.

I'm not that fat am I?

**9:07 am**

Okay, I'm gonna go throw up.

**9:13 am**

Holy god.

Becca and I just got searched for drugs and weapons by a police guy. They made us walk through metal detectors.

**9:15 am**

"Becca, why do I feel like I'm going to die today?"

"Because, Nate, we're not in Westlake anymore… this is Eastlake."

**9:31 am**

Ew. Ew. Ew.

My geometry class is even more ghetto than Becca's room! I didn't think such a thing was possible!

**10:10 am**

Umm… why am I the only white kid in the entire school?

I'm getting so many stares with my designer clothes, my Luis Vuitton murse and my new Coach shoes.

**11:03 am**

I think I just got mugged…

I was sitting there, doing my work like a good boy, and the teacher left the room for some unknown reason. Suddenly, a pack of angry, large teenagers that looked like they were thirty and they all had tattoos that you would get in jail,all ganged up on me and stole my Chanel scarf Becca bought me!

One of them – their lead convict, I presume – said, "This is gone-a look reeeaaaalll pretty on muh girl friend! Don't you think so, Marshmallow?" And I'm pretty sure he was talking to me and called me Marshmallow.

Then he hit me really hard and fist-bumped his friends and sat down right before the teacher came back in.

I decided not to tell the teacher because the guy – I think his name is Pablo – gave me this hair-raising stare, like if I told on him, he would cut me.

**12:38 pm**

**Lunch time**

Eating in Becca's jail cell. I didn't bring a lunch because I assumed that they would have real food, but boy was I wrong. So, I'm eating her food.

She looks rather scared, being here. "I don't like this place," she said. "Let's run away."

"Okay, let's make a run for it!" And I was about to jump out the window, but then I realised that there are bars on the windows.

"No, Nate! We have to stay here!"

"WHY?!"

"Because we CAN'T leave. Don't you understand? They have police officers at all the exits and bars on the windows. Believe me, I already tried escaping. They wouldn't let me out! And I'm a teacher!"

Then, I got the most brilliant idea. "How about I fake a seizure!?" Then I got on the floor and flopped around, pretending to seize.

"Oh, come on! No one's going to believe THAT. That was pathetic, Nate!"

"Well, I'd like to see you do better!"

Then she did it and it looked rather legit.

"Fine then, you do it."

"Well," she said, "if I have a seizure, I know for a fact the kids in my class will steal my wallet while I'm unconscious."

"True…"

Then she put her hands on her hips, and looked up thoughtfully. "Wait, why are we even talking about this anyway? It would never work."

"I'll make it work," I said stubbornly.

Then she rolled her eyes.

**1:40 pm**

I'm going to go home and take a ten-hour shower.

**1:49 pm**

What's a pawn shop?

I looked out the window and there is a store right next to the school called, "PAWN SHOP."

What do they sell there? Pawns? But what's a pawn?

Perhaps it's some poor people mechanism.

**1:50 pm**

I wonder if they sell burritos.

**2:22 pm**

Just overheard a drug deal going on. Faking seizure. Now.

Texted Becca, "Dear Becca, Please conveniently come into room C120 at 2:23 pm. It's going down. Love, Nate."

Now that I think about it, the way I put it, kinda sounded like I wanted to have sex with her. Ew.

**Home**

It worked! It worked! They totally believed it! And plus also, Becca is quite the little actress.

She walked into the classroom to talk to my dumbshit teacher about something, and then I made this noise similar to a cat getting strangled. Then, I fell out of my chair and flopped around on the ground like a fish out of water. I accidentally hit my head on a desk, so I went, "OW!" but no one heard me, so it was okay.

Then, Becca like dropped all the stuff she was holding and overdramatically went, "OHHH NOOOOOO! NATE!" And then she heroically rushed to my side and said, "He has epilepsy! I need to take him to the hospital right now! Everyone out of my way!"

And let me tell you one thing: It's really hard to fake a seizure while someone is holding you, so I accidentally kneed her in the face, and I burst out laughing. So, she slapped me and I continued flailing my arms and legs. It looked like I was having a really retarded spasm. Then Becca ran down the hall and we got to leave the school all quick-like.

By the time we were in the parking lot, Becca started laughing and so did I and she let me walk the rest of the way and we high-fived.

It was the best idea I've ever had.

We got home and Jason was sitting on the couch, eating a tub of ice cream and watching some Lifetime movie, and sobbing, saying to the TV, "That whore! How could she!?"

Becca and I sneaked up on him, and I tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned around really fast with a quick gasp, and he saw us and started screaming, dropping his ice cream. "Nate! Rebecca! What are you guys doing back so soon?"

I happily replied, "I had a seizure!"

Then Jason got his worried face on and said, "Oh my god! Are you okay? What happened? Did Rebecca take you to the hospital?" He turned to Becca and said, "You _did_ take him to the hospital, right?" Then he looked me up and down and said, "You look fine to me," and then felt my forehead. "A little warm, but that's all…"

"No, no," I said, pushing him away. "It was a fake one."

He stared at me with his serious face. "And why the _hell_ did you do that?"

I point to Becca. "It was her idea."

"Was not!" she defended.

"Yes it was! You said to me 'let's run away' and then demonstrated how to fake a seizure."

She sighed. "Okay, fine, it WAS my idea."

Jason just kinda stared at us. Then he shook his head, sat back down on the couch, and unpaused Tivo.

I'm going to take a shower now.

**6:45 pm**

I just took a three hour shower. It was partially because I fell asleep, but mostly because that school made me feel all gross and dirty and nasty. Plus also, rolling around on the floor, I somehow managed to get three Cheetos stuck in my hair.

Ew.

**Wednesday, October 7**

**9:32 am**

Back in hell. Jason made us go back, I don't know why. I told Jason I feared for my life there, but I guess he doesn't care about us.

**2:02 pm**

I just got asked if I wanted to buy drugs.

Shane needs to come to my school next time he needs a crack refill.

**3:35 pm**

Question: If everyone from my old school, Westlake High, is supposed to be here, then where the hell are they?

Where is Whitney and all of them?

**3:47 pm**

This confuses me greatly.

**3:52 pm**

There's this kid in my English class, and all he does is stare at me like he wants to kill me. Like, I'm completely serious. I want to switch classes now.

I've never even talked to that kid in my life, so I don't know what the hell his problem is.

Maybe he's just depressed like Jason thinks I am. Slit your wrists just ONE time and your brother assumes you're depressed.

I mean, what would I even be depressed about?

Besides the fact that my dad is dead, my ex-biology teacher screwed him, my brother's in jail, I'm an uncle, my brother's a dentist, I might have an eating disorder, and my mum hates me.

But those are all normal things.

Right?

**4:11 pm**

I just had the most hilarious vision of Mufasa from the Lion King singing "Untouched" by the Veronicas.

**4:15 pm**

I feel so untouched… something, something, something. Going crazy from the moment I met you! Do do do do doooo!

**5:50 pm**

Becca took me to McDonald's.

She said, "Thank God we survived another day there."

"Ew, God," I scoffed.

"I prayed last night. I believe he saved us. Start praying kid."

**10:12 pm**

Dear "God",

….

Uh.

Love,

Nate


	56. Shanked and Shiny

**Chapter 4**

**Wednesday, October 7**

**12:36 pm**

Haven't died yet, surprisingly. It must have been my amazing prayer from Monday night.

It was deep.

**2:44 pm**

Bwahaha, Becca just tripped over a desk and fell flat on her face and flashed her knickers to everyone! I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life!

I laughed so hard, I threw up a little.

**3:20 pm**

Oh, snapskies. I accidentally said something really racist and the guy who sits next to me said he was gonna cut me after school!

I'm officially afraid for my life.

**4:04 pm**

School's almost over. Thank God.

I'm terrified of getting cut!

Whatever that means…

**4:11 pm**

Oh. My. God. Where's my iPhone?

**4:15 pm**

Here's the plan: Right when the bell rings, I will make a mad dash to Becca's room. Because right now, creeper kid is staring at me again and the guy who's going to cut me apparently, is drawing a picture of my face on a piece of paper and punching it.

**4:17 pm**

Now he's drawing fake blood on the picture of me with a red sharpie.

Screw waiting for the bell, I'm just going to make a run for it.

**Home**

Three minutes before the bell rang, right when the teacher wasn't looking, I ran for the door. Somehow – still don't understand how I managed to do this – no one noticed me and I ran all the way down the hall, burst into what I thought was Becca's room, and screamed, "BECCA THERE'S THIS KID IN MY CLASS AND HE WANTS TO KILL ME! WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!"

Then, I stopped, looked around, and saw a different teacher – not Becca.

AWKWARD.

I slowly backed out of there, laughing nervously, and then went into the room next door and I grabbed Becca's hand, tried pulling her, yelling, "Run for my life!"

She looked at me like I was crazy, and then the bell rang and all these kids started walking down the hallway – one of which was the guy who wants to cut me!

He must have seen me, because he got this evil smirk on his face and then started making his way over to me.

All I could say in my panic attack was, "Dude! Dude! Dude! Dude!"

And Becca was like, "What?!"

Then evil kid walked in the room, said, "Oh, hello there, Nate!" in this oh-so friendly way.

Becca looked over at him and smiled. "Hi, are you one of Nate's new friends?"

He nodded. "Oh, yes, ma'am! I just wanted to talk to him out in the hall for a few seconds about our plans to hang out on Friday!"

"Aww, you made a friend!" Becca gushed. "I'm so proud!"

I was too much in shock to say anything, but when evil kid started pulling me out of the room, I screamed in French, "Becca, he's not my friend! I pissed him off and now he wants to cut me!"

"WHAT?!" Becca screeched.

Then evil kid put on a frowny face and said, "What did you just call me, punk?!" And then he pulled out a knife and then punched me really hard in the face.

And I don't know what happened next cause I blacked out, but I woke up and Becca was carrying me into the living room, calling out, "Jason! We have a serious problem! HELP!" And then she set me down gently on the couch.

Faster than the speed of light (or what I was conscious to remember) Jason was already hovering over me, going, "Holy god! What happened?!"

"Some dick hole beat him up after school," Becca told him. "He took out a knife and I had to get the freakin school cops to arrest the little bastard."

I wasn't fully conscious, but I was aware of what was going on.

Jason was pretending to act like he had a clue about what to do in an emergency situation, and he was like, "Can you get me some icepacks and gauze?"

Becca nodded and set off to go look for stuff.

My brother got down to my eye level by sitting on his knees, and he said, "Nate, say something if you can hear me."

That's when I decided to throw up blood all over Jason's brand-new Juicy couture white jacket for flaming homosexuals. "GODDAMN IT! This stain will never come out!"

He must have gotten over it really fast, because he took off Becca's jacket that was at the moment stopping blood from gushing out of a gash on my arm and replaced it with his now-soiled jacket.

"You're bleeding all over the five thousand dollar couch," Jason informed me.

I was too out of it to say anything coherent, so I just said, "Yeah, well fuck you."

Then he said, "I think you're gonna need stitches."

I don't really know what happened next, but Jason and Becca got in a little argument while they were trying to fix me, and it was really odd.

Becca was like, "Did it not occur to you that we have a sick panda on our hands?!"

And Jason said, "Yes, it occurred to me!"

"Oh really?"

"Oh yeah!"

"Well then, why don't you fix him, since you're such a great doctor!?"

"I'm a dentist!"

And I muttered, "You're useless…" but they didn't hear me so it's okay.

"Well then," Becca said, taking something out of her pocket, "fix this!" And then she threw five – yes, five – of my teeth that the douche bag knocked right out of my mouth.

I screamed, "BLOODY HELL!" cause I didn't realise this had happened, and Jason said, "EW!"

And Becca was like, "YEAH. THERE. FIX IT."

I was freaking out because I was missing five freakin teeth, and I was like, "OH MY GOD!"

And Jason said, "Oh, don't worry, Nate, I was gonna take one of these out anyway. It had a cavity… you know why? CAUSE YOU NEVER BRUSH YOUR TEETH."

"You know, now's not really the time to yell at me for not brushing my teeth, okay?"

Then he scoffed and said, "Okay, well I need to take you to the hospital."

"Can I just stay here and sleep? I'm really tired…"

He raised his voice and went, "NO NO NO. COME WITH ME NOW."

Then Becca was like, "Oh, Jason, you have to show compassion and understanding! That's no way to talk to someone who just got shanked! He's obviously in shock, still." Then she crouched down next to me, pushed Jason away, and said, "Nate, dear, we need to take you to the doctor, okay?"

I said, "Becca, I'm not five."

And then she said, "I know you're tired, so I'm going to carry you to the car, okay? Go ahead and try to sleep if you're tired."

Sure she was treating me like I was in kindergarten, but I was so tired and she offered to carry me so I didn't have to walk, and I wasn't about to pass up that opportunity.

So, she took me to the car, and I fell asleep while she drove me to the hospital and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in Becca's bed around nine and she comes out of the loo with a towel wrapped around her head and jimjams on.

"You're finally awake," she said, smiling. She sat down on the bed. "Did you have a nice nap? How are you feeling?"

"How do you think I feel?" I barked.

She gave me a sympathetic, sad smile and said, "Let me go get you some Advil."

When she returned, I asked, "Is Jason making me go to school tomorrow?"

Becca shook her head.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Good. I'm never going back."

"I honestly don't blame you," she told me, handing me some lemonade.

"Thanks for…" I said, making a weird hand gesture, trying to tell her thanks for everything with some hand waves. "Yeah. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Ahh, yes, another touching, family moment.


	57. National Be Nice To Nate Day

**Chapter 5**

**Thursday, October 8**

**9:56 am**

I slept pretty well last night, knowing that I didn't have to go to school today. Becca's not going back there either. She's scared shitless.

And you know what I've noticed? Becca's actually really nice. Like, she let me sleep in her bed like I used to always do and she made sure I was asleep until she went to bed cause she wanted to make sure I was okay, and then right when I woke up, she asked me how I was feeling and everything.

Rather nice.

**10:05 am**

Uhh, is it National Be Nice To Nate day? Jason just offered to make me mac and cheese and Becca bought me shoes.

**10:07 am**

I'm kinda worried. Is that bad?

**10:09 am**

Breakfast in bed. Boo yah.

**10:10 am**

Jason: "Hey, Nate, why does Whitney keep texting me, asking me why a Mexican keeps answering your phone?"

Me: "Uhh… I don't know?"

"Nate?"

"Yes?"

"Why is there a Mexican answering your phone?"

**12:34 pm**

Went to the apple store and got a new phone. Now I'm going to sleep.

**12:39 pm**

Question: Why do all old people put spaces before punctuation marks? Like my mum does it, and my aunt, my grandpa, and Billy Ray Cyrus…

**3:03 pm**

I wish it were Christmas. Cause then I would get presents and Mum would be home from Norway, where she's currently teaching music to deaf kids (which really actually means she's looking for a Norwegian man to be her fuck buddy slash husband, but the press doesn't need to know that) and the Smitchie family would be back from their little family cruise to the South Pole.

Oh, I miss them so much. It's so quiet without the three of them and Autumn, the loudest baby on earth.

Like, really quiet. Like, I realised that without them, my life has no meaning.

**3:15 pm**

Wait, I just got informed by Jason that Mum is coming home on Sunday! Oh, joy is me!

**3:22 pm**

I really want mac and cheese right now. Even though I already ate it for breakfast.

**At Chili's**

Jason and Becca took me to Chili's. I didn't even have to beg them to take me – or ask them for that matter. They just came up to me and said, "Let's go to Chili's!" and then we all hopped in the family car (AKA the shit mobile) and off we went to the magical land!

I'm drinking strawberry lemonade and colouring a kiddy menu. Life is good.

**5:06 pm**

Uh oh, Jason's mad at me. He was like, "When we get home, give me your retainers and I'll put fake teeth in it to make up for the ones you lost."

And I just kinda sat there, thing, 'Holy shit, where the hell did those things go?'And then I remembered that Miley ate them.

Jason must have seen the odd look on my face, because he frowns and says, "You lost them again, didn't you?"

"Well, not exactly."

"What do you mean? Do you know where they are?"

"Yeah…"

"Where are they?"

"Probably in the backyard."

"And why are they there?"

"Cause Miley ate them and probably shat them out behind that big tree where she always takes dumps."

He just stared at me for a long time and then buried his face in his hands, shaking his head.

**5:12 pm**

We just got our food. Becca looked at my mac and cheese and said, "Cheesy macaroni again?"

I nodded.

"What are you? Five?

**5:35 pm**

Just saw Whitney. She noticed me sitting there with Becca and Jason and she freaks out and says, "Good lord, Nate! Did you get mauled by a bear?!"

I said, "Pretty much. You know that kid that's really tall and scary looking with the tattoo of a dragon on his arm?"

"Uhhh, no?"

"He's in my geometry class."

"What are you talking about? Are you high?"

"I don't think so."

"Nate, you haven't been at school this entire week."

"No, I was there yesterday and got beat up and cut!"

"Nate?"

"Yes?"

"What's the name of the school you've been going to?"

"Shepton High."

"Oh. My. God."

"What?"

"Didn't you get the phone call last Wednesday?"

"What phone call?"

"Our school called everyone and we relocated to Jasper High."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"You've been going to the ghetto alternative school this whole time?! Where they send the bad kids?!"

And I nodded.

And then Becca dropped her fork, screamed, and banged her head on the table and everyone in the restaurant stared at us.

**5:40 pm**

Shit like this always happens to me. Of course the ONE house that they forget to call to tell us that at the last minute we switched schools was our house.

**5:43 pm**

Whitney looked at my new shoes that Becca surprised me with this morning, and she said, "Are those new?"

I looked down at my shoes – just to make sure I was wearing the new ones – and nodded, saying, "Yeah."

She said, "Good. Those are good."

Whitney's so cute, I just want to eat her!

**6:59 pm**

Whitney's sleeping over tonight because there's no school tomorrow. Woo!

**7:04 pm**

I love my little Whitney.

**7:10 pm**

We just talked on the phone with Shane. We told him that when he got home, he had to snort five gummy bears for us. He laughed and said, "SURE!"

**7:12 pm**

I randomly feel like crap. Who knows why?

**7:14 pm**

Jason just came upstairs to tell us to turn down our music because it was too loud.

What a dill pickle.

**7:39 pm**

Me: "Cause he's a stupid fucking Jew!"

Jason: "NATE! Did you just say the F word!?"

Me: "… Jew?"

**Friday, October 9**

**9:18 am**

Guess where I am right now?

The dentist, of course.

It seems like Jason's favourite thing to do is torture me. He even forced Whitney to go home because he doesn't want Whitney to see my 'bad behaviour.' But, I tell Whitney everything. She knows everything from my irrational fear of the dentist to me being bulimic to what happened last year at the band Christmas party.

Let's play a game called 'Let's see how many cavities Nate has.'

**1:34 pm**

Well that was certainly… interesting.

I had a cavity (yes only ONE!!! Yay for not having five and up!) but Jason wanted me to get like fake teeth put into my mouth (and that really hurt bee tee dubs), and so while I was there getting tortured, Jason was talking to the dentist about how he didn't have a job and all this shit and then he got offered a job there.

What. The. Fuck.

I got tortured and Jason got a job.

This sucks.


	58. Anorexic Markers

**Chapter 6**

**Saturday, October 10**

**10:13 am**

It's really cold in Becca's room. I'm under her fuzzy comforter, shivering.

She doesn't know I'm in her room while she's at Walmart, so shh… don't tell her!

Ooh, I'm such a badass, sleeping in my sister's bed while she's shopping. Hehe.

**10:20 am**

I have some stupid song from "Bye Bye Birdie" the musical stuck in my head. I hate – with a fiery passion – happy songs. Expesh when I'm in a bad mood. Cause then they piss me off even more.

**10:24 am**

Markers make me really happy. I like drawing with them because they are so exciting!

**10:25 am**

Called Becca. Told her I would commit suicide of she didn't buy me markers.

She better buy them.

**Thirty seconds later**

I'm frikkin serious.

**10:39 am**

_J'aime_ pandas.

**10:45 am**

Becca returned _avec_ markers. But guess what? They were skinny markers! I don't want no damn anorexic markers! Damn it, I want fat-ass markers that eat their feelings!

That's it, I'm gonna jump out the window.

**2:01 pm**

I accidentally fell out the window.

I told Becca that she needed to get me the fat markers, but she believed that my request was 'ridiculous. I'm not going all the way back to the store.'

So, I opened the window and sat on the ledge, saying, "You better go get them right now. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna jump!"

And then Becca was like, "WTF?!" and then I lost my balance and fell out the window backwards on accident. I landed in Mum's favourite spiky shrub, which really hurt, and Becca came running out of our house to my rescue.

Well, not only did I manage to land on a spiky plant, but also on a porcupine.

Yes, you heard me correctly. A porcupine. Shane decided to buy a porcupine a month ago and built a little pen for it in the garden under Becca's window.

And, I killed it. But it wasn't my fault it decided to take a power nap right under the window where I was going to fall from!

Anyway, it took two hours for Becca and Jason to get all the quills out of me.

Becca told me that we should just wrap me up in bubble wrap so I would never get hurt again, but wouldn't sharp and pointy objects just poke through the bubble wrap?

Oh, and Jason gave me a timeout, so I'm in Becca's room doing nothing covered in – I believe it was – one hundred and four Clifford the big red dog, Barbie, and Pokemon band-aids, wearing nothing but boxers.

Today was fun.

Oh, and Becca bought me new markers. The fat kind. Except now it hurts to move, so I can't colour with them.

**3:02 pm**

Decided to update my fan website for the first time in about six months. I totally forgot it existed. My bad.

Anyway, I put up some pictures of Autumn and one Becca took of me looking absolutely miserable with all the porcupine quills stick in me. Good times, good times.

This is so going into the family scrapbook.

Oh, and I put the video up on the website of Jason pulling out all of the quills. I just sit there going, "Ow. Ow. OW! JASON WHAT THE HELL!?"

**7:11 pm**

Fell asleep at three-ish. Jason woke me up for 'family dinner' which is bullshit since right now, our family consists of Becca, Jason, and I. And well, Miley. But she doesn't count.

But anyway, I was really pissed off because I was having the freaking coolest dream ever and I was really tired and he just frikkin woke me up for some bull shit 'family dinner.'

I HATE FAMILY BONDING ACTIVITIES.

**8:30 pm**

Jason's such a dick. He knows I fucking hate sushi. But guess what? He decided that tonight for bullshit family dinner, we would be having sushi and he wouldn't let me leave until I at least tired some. So, he shoves some down my throat and I threw up moments later.

Oh, and Becca's hair looks really nappy today.

**11:03 pm**

Sitting here pondering.

Just thinking.

Thinking about life, really. Death. Religion. Band-aids.

Deep.

**11:16 pm**

What if there was a national holiday where if you had a band-aid (or in my case, hundreds) you had to take them all off? But then again, what if you're gushing out blood?

Oh, well.

**11:19 pm**

Becca walked in her room after watching the Lizzie McGuire marathon with Jason. She was like, "Why the hell are you laying in my bed?"

And I was like, "Porcupine ambush. It hurts. Can't move."

"You ran up the stairs after dinner."

"Hey, Becca, are you gushing out blood?"

"Is that another way of asking me if I'm on my period?"

"No, I mean like band-aids and stuff."

"Uhh…"

"Question."

"Answer."

"Is there such thing a vagina band-aid?"

"WHAT?"

"You know, a band-aid. But for vaginas."

"You mean a tampon?"

"Oh! Yes, I guess that makes sense!"

Then she gave me this look and said, "Boy, you crazy."

**1:39 am**

What time is it? On a Saturday? And Becca's making me go to bed now?

Wow, I'm cool.

**1:40 am**

Yeah, that was sarcasm.

**1:42 am**

FUN FACT TIME!

In the Polish language, there is no such thing as sarcasm. Everyone's serious about everything.

Hooray fun facts!

**1:45 am**

If you don't like fun facts, you can suck my dick.

**1:50 am**

FUN FACT TIME.

Penguins don't have knees, polar bears are left-handed, and I just pooted.

**2:01 am**

He who has hand in pocket feels cocky.

**2:04 am**

Have you ever wanted to just punch someone in the face?

I wish to do this right now.

**4:16 am**

OH EMM EFF GEE.

Becca: "Nate, will you please leave now?"

Me: "No!"

Becca: "Goddamn it, Nate! I can't masturbate when you're in here! Do you know how long it's been?! WEEKS, NATE. WEEKS."

And then I ran out of there real fast like.

EW.

**8:06 am**

Fun fact: I'm going to bed. Good morning.

**Sunday, October 11**

**5:15 pm**

Mum's home! Mum's home!

She came home just a moment ago with this super-cutie Norwegian hottie named Alexander. All I know about him is that he's from Norway, he's cute, and he plays violin. Oh, and he's twenty-three. My mum's such a cougar.

Oh, and if they get married, Jason will be older than our new step-father. Ha. There should be a law against that. Honestly.

Oh my god, Alexander is so cuuuuuttteee. If he turns out to be gay or Mum doesn't want him, I'll take him!

**5:27 pm**

I really want to learn Norwegian now. Or steal his accent.

**5:29 pm**

I'm really hungry. I think we're going out to eat today.

He doesn't know what Chili's is. I love him. What a cutie. I just want to eat him.

**5:30 pm**

I can't believe I'm sitting here watching The Suite Life Of Nobody Gives A Shit.

**5:37 pm**

Going to Chili's. We're taking super-hottie new-daddy Alexander with us. Winky face.

I really, really hope he gets married to Mum so I can see him all day and fantasize about him…

Hey, shut up. If you saw him, you'd say the same.

**5:40 pm**

Oh my effing Jesus Christ, he's driving us there. He's gorgeous and perfect even when he drives and yells at douche bag Republicans in Norwegian!

**5:43 pm**

Becca and I are talking about Alexander behind his back. We're talking in French and he can't understand that, so it's cool.

Becca's like, "Why do you think Mum is in love with him? He's like twelve. I'm older than he is."

I said, "Well, Becca, dear. He's a hottie. A mega hottie. A Norwegian mega hottie with a cutie adorable accent. That's why."

"You're falling for him aren't you?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"You're disgusting."

"You're a bitch."

**5:55 pm**

I'm really pissed right now.

I don't even know why.

Oh, I know.

When Alex went to the loo, Mum told me that I wasn't allowed to order off of the children's menu because she didn't want me to act childish in front of her new boyfriend. But I just want to be myself! I am what I am! I can't help myself! And if Mum doesn't like it, she can get with somebody else.

I'm so pissed. I want to punch a paralyzed child.

**5:59 pm**

Alex is really nice. And foreign. And adorable.

He just said in his super cute accent, "What's a hamburger?"

Awww!

**6:04 pm**

I want to hug him. So. Bad.

**6:16 pm**

Mum and Alex are snogging. It's like they want me to kill myself.

**6:19 pm**

WHY MUST THE WORLD BE SO CRUEL!?

**6:25 pm**

Oh my god, chocolate lava cake! I LOVE LIFE.

**6:37 pm**

I just ate my weight in lava cake. I'm gonna go throw up now.

Oh, and Alex is just a nice super hottie! He gave me most of the cake we were sharing.

I feel the family love already.

**6:41 pm**

ALEX JUST SPIT IN MY EYE.

But it's okay. Because it was adorable.

**6:50 pm**

I'm so exhausted right now. It's not even funny. I think I'm just gonna go to bed soon.

**6:52 pm**

Jesus Christ on a stick, I just ran into a door.

**6:56 pm**

Yaaaawwwwnnn.

**Thirty seconds later**

You know, I've always wanted to be Asian.

**7:08 pm**

Ow, headache.

**7:11 pm**

I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out by an octopus with dental problems…

**7:56 pm**

Told Jason I didn't feel good. He said, "Bull shit, you're going to school tomorrow whether you like it or not."

**In my room**

I'm watching Shark Boy and Lava Girl. This is so retarded. No little kids are that mean.

**4:05 am**

Fell asleep while watching the movie. I had a really weird dream that Shark Boy came and ate my guts.

**Monday, October 12**

**6:11 am**

Ugh. Up early for stupid marching band. Over in Kiwi-a-gogo land, they don't have marching band. I forgot how awful it was waking up early every morning.

I'm just waiting for marching season to be over.

**6:47 am**

Alexander took me to school. He's really jet lagged, so he hasn't even gone to bed yet. He drove me and it was really nice to actually talk with him, one on one. It was quite nice. He's rather loveable.

**6:50 am**

I have a sore throat. I told Alexander and he said, "Oh, well if you don't feel better or if you need to come home, you can just call me. Okay? I'll come get you." And then he gave me his cell phone number.

Oh my god, I fucking love him.

**9:23 am**

Whitney and I have the exact same schedule. It's amazing.

Oh, and the weirdest thing happened. Apparently the teachers' role sheets have my real name on it. Which is Simba. Simba Gray. So the teacher kept calling out "Where's Simba?! Has anyone seen Simba!?"

And eventually I was just like, "I go by Nate…"

And the teacher looked at me all weird and was like, "Okay, Simba."

**9:27 am**

EVERYONE IS CALLING ME "LION KING BOY."

And they keep singing "Oh I just can't wait to be king!"

**9:37 am**

I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!

**10:43 am**

Oh emm eff gee, Becca's not my French teacher. Someone's getting shot.

**10:49 am**

Oh, my day is ruined. Sad face.

**10:13 am**

Oh wow, I really miss Becca.

I'm going to the counselor and getting this changed. This is unacceptable.

**10:20 am**

It's raining.

**12:52 am**

I'm so going home.

**1:03 am**

The nurse is a bitch.

I told her my tummy hurt so she gave me crackers. What the hell!?

Anyway, I said, "I need to go home. Can I call my mum's boyfriend?"

And she said, "Well, sorry Mister Nate, but you don't have a fever. I can't send you home, go back to class."

And I was like, "Fuck you bitch!"

Then I threw up all over her face.

I just called Alexander and he's going to come pick me up.

**7:55 pm**

GUESS. WHO. MIGHT. POSSIBLY. HAVE. SWINE. FLU.

Yeah, me.

At two I like legit almost died and Jason took me to the hospital and they said I might possibly have swine flu. And then Jason and I went home and he lysolled the entire house. And then he locked me in my room and told me I wasn't allowed to come out ever.

He wants to be extra cautious until we know for sure. Then if I do have the swine he'll be… extra extra cautious? Haha I don't know.

Anyway, I'm like at a hero right now. Because if one person at school has the swine, the entire school gets shut down for two weeks and we don't have to make it up in summer!

Whitney told me that everyone is so excited I have swine. Which sounds really weird, but at least we get two weeks of school off… if I do indeed have the swine.

**8:04 pm**

Calling it "the swine" makes it sound like an STD... I like it.


	59. The Swine

**Chapter 7**

**Tuesday, October 13**

**9:03 am**

OH NO, I HAVE THE SWINE!

It's official! I'm all swiney and nasty!

I feel so… gross. Gross and… pig-like.

**9:07 am**

Decided to work on the family scrapbook because Alexander needs to be a part of it now.

I broke a sweat trying to open a glue stick.

Now I'm all out of breath. This is bad.

**9:12 am**

Agh, what the hell, it's freezing in here!

**11:14 am**

I miss my family. They keep avoiding me. I've been quarantined into the guest house. The last person I saw was Jason, and he came into the house wearing a mask and gloves and made me put on hand sanitizer before he came in the room and then he gave me breakfast and ran.

Doofus.

**11:16 am**

Ick, I just smooshed a bug on my computer screen. Now it's all gross and plenty gutsy.

**5:23 pm**

I slept all day. Swine flu sucks. I'm so randomly exhausted and everything hurts so bad.

**Thursday, October 15**

**4:15 pm**

Guess who also has the swine?

Jason. Oh, and Alexander.

I gave the super hottie cutie McCute pants the swine. And I gave it to a dentist. But the dentist isn't important. (Cough, Jason you suck, cough.)

But anyway, we're all in the guest house like dying.

Our entire house has been put on lockdown and everyone in the neighbourhood had to leave temporarily.

This is getting really intense.

**4:18 pm**

It's raining.

The thunder is scaring me.

I think lightning just struck the house across the street.

**4:31 pm**

I just had an 'I-told-you-so' moment.

Jason was like, "Hey Nate, I'm sorry for not believing you when you said you were sick." (Then he coughed up some crap.)

And I said, "I TOLD YOU SO!" (And then I coughed up some crap.)

**4:37 pm**

Awww, family moment!

A cute, adorable, swine-infested family moment just happened.

I randomly blurted out, "IT'S FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE!"

And Alexander said, "I KNOW!"

And Jason went, "Bluurrghgsdfksadkflj." And then I think he passed out.

Anyway, Alexander said, "Well in Norway, when my friends and I were cold in the winter, we would huddle up like penguins!"

So, Alexander and I huddled up like penguins.

And it was ultra adorable and ultra orgasmic.

Then after like five minutes, Alexander fell asleep.

Ha.

**9:42 pm**

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

The police are outside our house. They won't let Becca or Mum out of the house at all because we're all swine-like. Mum and Becca have fevers so now we're all in the guest house, dying together as a big, happy family.

Anyway, we're locked in here. The police are outside our house because they don't want us to leave at all. This is gonna be all over the celebrity tabloids.

Oh, and I think Jason just died.

**9:48 pm**

Becca and I are both freaking out. Well, she's freaking out more. She's like crying and hyperventilating in the corner of the room, shaking her head and saying, "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!" Then she grabbed my shirt collar and said, "Nate! What if we run out of food?! What if we run out of water?! WHAT IF WE RUN OUT OF AIR?! We're gonna die in here, Nate! This is the end!" Then she screamed really weird and fell on the floor.

She's insane.

**9:53 pm**

Alexander and I are officially the only sane ones.

Jason is just sleeping, so he's weird. And Mum is banging her head on the wall. And Becca is ripping up all her clothes. Not even kidding.

She's foaming at the mouth.

I think she has rabies, not swine.

**9:56 pm**

Now she's pushing over furniture and screaming like a Wild Thornberry.

Damn Eliza girl.

**9:58 pm**

And what the hell is up with that talking monkey?

**11:12 pm**

Alexander and I are just sitting here watching as Jason keeps stabbing the wall with a knife and Becca is running around in a circle. And Mum is off in another room, doing god knows what.

**Saturday, October 17**

**10:01 am**

I'm too exhausted to move.

**Tuesday, October 20**

**9:18 am**

Oh my god, we're gonna be locked up in here like dogs forever!

They won't let us out until we're no longer contagious and who knows when that will be?!

**3:03 pm**

I wanna see Whitney. And I wanna go to school. And I wanna not be dying!

AND I MISS SHANE AND MITCHIE.

**6:07 pm**

Becca's trying to convince everyone that she's a unicorn and that she needs to go to Candy Mountain or she'll release the anti-Christ and bring a thousand years of darkness to the world.

Not even kidding.

She's managed to convince herself that her horn is green and it's going to grow out of her forehead any second now.

Alexander was like, "What the hell is a Candy Mountain?"

**6:20 pm**

She just ran outside and bit one of the police people.

Becca kept screaming at them while they were dragging her back inside, "I HAVE TO GO TO CANDY MOUNTAIN! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I NEED TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE!!"

He said, "I'm _sure_ you're a unicorn…"

"I am! You just wait! My horn is going to grow out any second now! It's green and magical, I promise!"

**6:22 pm**

I really hope she's kidding, I really do.

**6:34 pm**

I don't think she's kidding.

She's sitting in the corner of the room, mumbling to herself, and occasionally she'll neigh like a horse… er, unicorn.

**6:57 pm**

Sitting here thinking about bath salt.

What is its purpose?

I took a bath and I found some bottle of things that looked like little rocks or something and it was labeled 'bath salt' and so I put some in.

The directions said to swirl it around until it dissolved. So I did. And guess what? It all disappeared. And it wasn't like magical or anything. It didn't fizz like something Mum got me once, and it didn't smell good, and it didn't make me feel soft or anything.

It just disappeared.

Waste of money.

I'm very disappointed right now.

**7:33 pm**

Made a cone-shaped thing out of a green piece of paper and then I taped it to Becca's head when she was sleeping. I woke her up and said, "Becca! Becca! Your horn grew! You're a unicorn, Becca! A unicorn!"

Then she said, "I TOLD YOU!"

Here's the best part:

She decided that she was going to use her 'magical powers' to fly through the window.

Well, she almost did that…

Becca went to the back of the room, made this weird horse noise and then flailed her arms around, charging at the window.

Why I didn't stop her, I don't know, but she slammed into the wall and then fell over backwards, unconscious.

Mum just kinda looked at her with a what-the-fuck face.

It's official: We've all gone mad.

**8:02 pm**

Jason and the unicorn are sleeping, Mum's reading an article about us in People magazine, and Alexander and I are playing Apples to Apples.

We have to play with Miley because you need three people to play. So we just sat her down with us and gave her some cards and I randomly select one from her pile and throw it in.

Oddly enough, she's winning.

**8:47 pm**

We're so bored we're still playing even though Miley ran out of the room after Jason accidentally stepped on her. So now we're playing with a dinosaur action figure. Not even kidding.

**1:01 am**

Can't. Sleep.

Life sucks.

**Friday, October 23**

**11:18 am**

Finally feeling better. We're allowed to leave the house now.

Except Becca. Cause she still thinks she's a unicorn.

**11:34 am**

My mum walked in on me. Do you know how hard it is to be jizzing yourself while you talk to your mum about what you want for breakfast?

**6:14 pm**

Decided to go visit Becca. She's locked up in our guest house like I was.

I knocked on her door and gave her dinner.

She attacked me. Like legit attacked me. I got pummeled to the ground and then she bit me. Really hard. I started screaming really loud and Jason had to come rescue me. It was the scariest moment of my life.

Do unicorns even attack people?

**6:20 pm**

Save the unicorn, save the world.


	60. Being Sick

**Chapter 8**

**Saturday, October 24**

**9:05 am**

I don't know why I'm up this early on a Saturday.

**9:23 am**

So I've decided that I need an imaginary friend. That way I won't be lonely when no one will talk to me cause they don't want Swine Flu.

**9:24 am**

_ La grippe porcine. _

**9:29 am**

Oh my god, yay! The Smitchie family is coming home today! It's been so quiet without them. I've really, really missed those three. They were on a cruise or something lame like that to Antarctica.

I hope it wasn't too cold there or anything… what's there anyway? Penguins? Ooh, exciting.

Not.

**9:35 am**

I want a strawberry smoothie.

Mmm, strawberry smoothie.

**1:52 pm**

They're back! They're back!

**2:01 pm**

Went outside.

It's cold.

Why is it cold?!

**2:04 pm**

It's because Smitchie is here. They brought Antarctica back with them. Yea, that's what happened.

**3:15 pm**

Shane took Alexander and me to Maggie Moos. Our favourite thing to do is to talk about people behind their backs in front of their faces in French.

Shane said, "There needs to be another Holocaust."

I nearly choked on my ice cream. "Why would you say such a horrible thing!?"

Alexander just kinda sat there and ate his ice cream cause he had no idea what the fuck we were saying.

He nods, "I'm so sick of all these parallelograms. They all need to disappear."

I raised an eyebrow. "Did you just call them parallelograms?"

Nod.

"Don't you mean paraplegic?"

"It doesn't matter," Shane said. "They all need to die anyway," And then he stuck his plastic blue spoon upside down in his mouth and leaned back in his chair, so only the back two legs were on the ground. And then he fell over backwards.

I slow clapped and everyone looked at us.

Then I said, "Wow, you're a horrible person."

Alexander just kinda stared at us.

Shane said, "Help me up, you little _snoffage!" _(I don't even know what that means.)

Then Alex pulled him back up and Shane said, "Thanks, dude."

Alex said, "What's a dude?"

He makes me smile.

**8:21 pm**

Alexander has been teaching me Norwegian in exchange for me teaching him French. He's way more useful than Dad was, or Gene Simmons, or that dentist kid.

**8:47 pm**

I just ate eraser dust. I think there's something wrong with me.

**9:15 pm**

Want. Cookie. Now.

**Monday, October 26**

**6:12 am**

I hate stupid marching band. I can't do this anymore. I'll have to just kill myself.

I had a dream last night that I hanged myself in a practice room and I wrote on the wall with blood, "Until you love me…" and Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" was blaring in the background.

It was all so dramatic. I kicked over the chair and then dropped my trumpet and my mind like zoomed in on it in slow motion and it fell on the floor and then my neck started dripping blood on it and then my teacher walked in the practice room.

Creepers.

**8:31 am**

My hands just about froze off today during marching band. I nearly died and our band director wouldn't let me go inside to get my gloves.

I can't feel my toes. Too bad we can't wear UGGs when we march.

But it's okay because after we march, I sit in the hallway and everyone changes into regular school clothes, and I comment on their outfits while eating food.

This one girl walks by every day in a Lady Gaga outfit and I always say, "Girl, you look hot today!"

She doesn't say anything.

So I go, "Fine. Don't take a compliment. FAT BITCH!"

I think the thing I missed most about Texas and this school was calling her a fat bitch.

**9:02 am**

I just spelled "fruit" "frout."

Fail.

**8:36 pm**

I wonder what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks. And when it happens, will my eyes be open or closed?

**8:50 pm**

I just now realised how utterly depressing that was.

**9:31 pm**

OH MY GOD MY TOILET JUST EXPLODED!!!

MY ENTIRE ROOM IS FLOODED. I'M HOME ALONE. WHAT DO I DO?!

**9:32 pm**

Freaking out. Called Jason. He told me to "calm down, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack."

**10:01 pm**

Current obsession: Jelly fish. Don't ask.

**10:16 pm**

I am making a muffin basket.

**Tuesday, October 27**

**4:29 pm**

Got a ride home from school with Whitney. Right as we pulled up to my house, there were two little kids climbing my tree. I got out of the car and yelled at them, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FUCKING TREE!" They ran away really fast. That'll teach them.

**6:45 pm**

Saw someone in an elf costume running down the street. Laughed way too hard.

**9:11 pm**

I want to go stick my face in a pile of warm fudge. Is that weird?

**Wednesday, October 28**

**7:43 am**

Decided to eat candy for breakfast. Not a smart idea. Now my tummy hurts.

**11:20 am**

Since it was a student-teacher holiday off of school, Becca and I decided to go shopping. She had to stop at Michael's craft store for something for her scrapbook and I found a bucket of these little squishy animal things.

Thinking it would bounce back up at me, I threw one on the floor. But it didn't bounce back up; it just kinda plopped there.

I burst into a bout of hysterical crying.

I have no idea why I did it, or why it made me so unbelievably upset, but it did. I couldn't control myself. Becca came running over to me and hugged me and thought I was literally depressed or something and I tried to tell her what was wrong, but I was crying too hard to say anything, so she had to take me out of the store and into the car so I could calm down.

When I finally was able to speak like an actual human being, I told her.

Then she called me a retard.

**12:09 pm**

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT LADY OUTSIDE MY WINDOW WEARING?!

AHAHAHA!

**12:15 pm**

I need to take a nap. I feel really faint and dizzy. Not good.

**3:27 pm**

Took a really long nap.

I had a very strange dream that for some reason, I had a pet jellyfish in my pool. I believe his name was Jerry. My creepy, old-ass French teacher with really nappy hair (AKA Madame Nappy Hair) came over to my house, and screamed, "_PAS DE CHEWING GUM DANS LA SALLE DE CLASSE!!"_ and then jumped into my pool and ate Jerry.

Tragic.

**3:49 pm**

I feel like crap. I think I'm dying.

It feels like my brain just split in half. Not a good feeling.

**3:51 pm**

Death is upon me.

**3:54 pm**

I have no choice but to have Jason come to rescue me from dying. He's kind of a doctor… ish.

**3:55 pm**

No, he is so not a doctor. Dentists are not doctors. End of discussion.

**4:28 pm**

One point for Alexander, zero for Jason.

So, as you may know, one of my favourite activities includes making Jason's life hell. And I thought he was fully aware of this fact, but I guess not. Anyway, Jason was in my room trying to take my temperature and I refused to sit still. So he was like screaming at me, "SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, NATE! COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!"

And I was like, "No! You're a poopy pants!"

Then he chased me around my room and then there was something about me putting a hole in the wall, but we won't go into detail about that.

So Jason was making all this ruckus (silly child, HA HA HA!) and Alexander came into the room with the best what-the-fuck face he could muster up.

Jason said, "I GIVE UP!"

"What's going on in here?" he asked. "Your mum wants to know what is with all the screaming."

"He will _not_ let me take his temperature," Jason said, pointing an accusing finger at me, a tad out of breath.

My super-hottie Norwegian step father raised an eyebrow and walked over to me, took the thermometer from Jason and I sat down and like a good little child, put it in my mouth and waited for it to beep.

Alexander took it, shoved it at Jason, and said, "Here. Don't know how that could have been that difficult. Guess you're just a tick incompetent." Then he walked away.

Jason yelled at him while he left, "YEAH, WELL… I'M OLDER THAN YOU ARE!"

I laughed.

Jason growled at me.

The best part was when he tried to make me take Advil to get my fever down, but that story we will have to leave for another day. Cause right now I'm going to bed.

**2:47 am**

Having the freak out of the century.

Dumped a gallon of milk on Jason while he was sleeping. I think I'm mentally unstable.

**3:05 am**

Went through every file on my dad's computer. Found many family secrets. In a flash, my life has turned into a Desperate Housewives episode. I practically crapped my pants from what I read. Especially a letter my dad wrote to my mum that said, "… and that damn cat might poop upstairs."

HAHA. It made me laugh like a loon.

Anyway, onto a more serious matter: There is thirty million dollars somewhere hidden in our house. I managed to hack my father's email and I found out many, many things.

Three AM treasure hunt, here I come!

**Thursday, October 29**

**12:58 pm**

Just woke up.

I was treasure hunting until four (found nothing, by the way) and for some reason, four is when Jason has to wake up for work (stupid dentist kid), and so he was making coffee when I walked into the kitchen.

He looked at me. "What are you doing?"

"Treasure hunting," I replied, looking under the rug under the table.

"Didn't I send you to bed after you ever-so nicely dumped milk on me?"

"Maybe. But then I was loo-"

"No, no, no. You go back to bed, mister," he said and then – get this – picked me up and carried me, kicking and screaming into my room.

I was like, "NO! I HAVE TO FIND THE TREASURE! LET ME GO!"

Then he plopped me down on my bed, felt my forehead, and said, "You're still feverish. You must be delusional."

"I'm not!" I protested. "There really is thirty million dollars hidden in our house, I swear!"

He shook his head. "No, Nate. No, there is not. Go to bed."

I tried to get up and run away, but then he pushed me down and pulled the covers up to my head and kissed my forehead. "Good night, Nate. I'll be back at home around six. Text me if you need anything."

Then Alexander poked his adorable little head into my room. "Morning," he said.

I smiled. Love him, love him, love him.

"Oh, Alex, you're in charge of taking care of Nate today," Jason told him.

"Alright," he said.

"If he refuses to go to bed, give him some sleeping pills and tell him it's Advil."

"I CAN HEAR YOU!!" I yelled.

"GOOD!" he yelled back and then left.

Alexander put on another WTF face. God I love it. So adorable, so freaking adorable.

**1:15 pm**

I feel like I just got run over by a herd of llamas.

**1:18 pm**

I sneezed five times on Alexander. Whoops.

**1:20 pm**

My breath smells like Thanksgiving. Whatever that's supposed to smell like.

**1:22 pm**

My tummy just made a weird noise at me. I think it hates me.

**4:01 pm**

Took a really long nap, hoping that it would make me feel better.

OH MY GOD I REALLY WANT STARBURST RIGHT NOW. I'M GONNA KILL SOMEONE IF I DON'T GET ANY.

Anyway, I feel worse now.

Mum and Alex are out at the book store signing copies of Mum's new book (Who knew she was writing a book?!), Jason is at work, and the Smitchie family are out with Miley at the doggie park. I feel so very alone.

What if I died? Right now?

They'd all feel so bad for leaving me.

**4:37 pm**

EW!

I just threw up a worm!

**4:40 pm**

Went into Shane's room. I said, "Shane, I don't feel so good."

He said, "Then go back to bed."

"No, I just threw up a worm."

"Yes, I do that on occasion."

He's no help.

**4:49 pm**

It's raining. I'm sitting by my window, sniffing it. I love the way rain smells.

**5:06 pm**

Alexander came home and saw me sniffing the window.

He said, "What are you doing?"

I kinda got that deer-in-the-headlights pose. It's kinda awkward sniffing windows. I am a window sniffer. "Just… looking at the rain."

"Oh. Well, how are you feeling? Better?"

"Worse," I replied, plopping down in bed, pulling the covers over my cold body.

He came over and sat on the bed next to me. After he took my temperature, he just sat there and went, "Hmm…" (Oh, how I love his foreign ways!)

I just kinda stared at him. Was he going to say anything?

"Has it been this high all day?" he asked me.

I shrugged. "You're the one who's supposed to be taking care of me. Shouldn't you know? I'm just a poor, little, sick panda."

After a while of thinking, he asked, "Do you want… orange juice?"

"What the hell? No. I want you to fix me."

Nurse Alex scratched his head.

"Alex, dear?"

"Yes?"

"I threw up a worm."

"When?"

"Like ten minutes ago."

Pause.

"We should call Jason, ja?"

"_Ja_," I mocked him and nodded my head.

Then he called Jason and said very confused, "Um, Nate just threw up a… worm? … I don't even know what that means. … No. … Yes, he's still alive. … Okay. See you soon. But wait. What's a worm anyway? … Oh. EW." Then he hung up.

So now we are waiting for Jason to come home.

**6:18 pm**

Went to the doctor's. They're useless. They just told me I'll live and sent me home. Somehow I had a tapeworm in me. That's so effin nasty. I can't even stand it. Like, how did it get there anyway? It's not like I eat dog poop or anything. And what if it laid eggs in me? That's so-o-o-o gross to think about.

**6:24 pm**

Shane just came into my room, threw a wad of tape at me, and yelled, "TAPE WORM!"

**9:16 pm**

I love Icelandic songwriters. "If you forget my name, you will go astray, like a killer whale." That makes no sense. I adore it.

**9:45 pm**

New obsession: Europe.

**9:49 pm**

Shane's not funny anymore. Ever since he got Mitchie knocked up, he's been acting… _responsible_. Sorta. Ish.

I don't like it one bit.

**10:10 pm**

I hurt myself in the weirdest ways. I just hurt myself on a gummy worm. Yes, a gummy worm.

There was this nasty, old-ass gummy worm like glued to my desk and I hit my elbow on it and it hurt. A lot.


	61. Bad Parents and Crazy Russian Guys

**Chapter 9**

**Friday, October 30**

**7:10 am**

Dear Stomach Flu, thank you for coming to me at such a perfect time, you giant lesbian turtle. Love, me.

Well, it's almost Halloween and I'm lying in bed, dying of the flu. First it was Swine Flu, and now it's this. This sucks. The first year I actually have a car and friends that drive, I can't even go out on Halloween, the best day for driving around with music blaring, and go absolutely no where.

Sucks for me.

I think I've decided to accept the fact that the world will often find numerous amounts of ways to screw me over.

**7:18 am**

Nate sad.

**7:39 am**

Shane just almost dropped his child out of the two-story window… Pretty sure the paparazzi got a picture. Whoops. His bad.

**9:20 am**

I'm planning a party.

There will be cookies, there will be Lady Gaga, there will be mashed potatoes, and there will be my mum, scantily clad in an illegal fur.

Perfect.

Everyone better come or I'll shoot up a playground.

**10:48 am**

Just cried so hard I hyperventilated. Why? Because I burned my cookies I was baking.

I think there's something wrong with me. Like seriously wrong.

**1:02 pm**

Becca came home today with inspirational stickers. I was rather excited. She went into my room to see how I was doing and then started putting stickers all over me.

**1:23 pm**

My tummy hurts a lot right now. I kinda want to shoot myself in the face. Becca says sleeping will help, so I shall do that.

**5:57 pm**

Decided to watch TV after I woke up. I saw a clip of Shane almost dropping Autumn out of the window on Celebrity Star TV. It was quite an exciting special on our family. I even got mentioned a few times. Except they put a really gross picture of me on there from last year's band Christmas party. Let's just say, if I were someone who was watching the TV and saw that picture, even I wouldn't tap that.

**6:00 pm**

I like the fall. A lot. I like when all the trees change colour. They make me happy. But what really pisses me off is those trees that don't change colour. It's unnatural. Weird. Freaks. Some things in life just piss me off and that is one of them.

Stupid Christmas trees. Lose your damn leaves. Or whatever you have.

**6:03 pm**

What would you do if I just ran out of my house naked? Like right now? At this very moment in time?

**6:10 pm**

I want to buy a pony.

NO!

That's what I want for Christmas, Santa.

PLEASE, OH, PLEASE, OH, PLEASE!

I've been a good boy this year… Okay, maybe not, but I'm rich. So ha. I deserve a pony.

**6:20 pm**

I'm really hungry right now. There's a ton of candy downstairs. I wonder if anyone will notice if I just take a few kit-kat bars…

**7:05 pm**

Some guy came over to our house. His name is Kolya and apparently Alexander absolutely hates him. He's one of Mum's singer friend's son and Alex and him went to the same school and I guess a lot of shit happened between them.

**7:12 pm**

Just called Alex "Dad."

He and Mum should just get married right now. I love him. So. Bloody. Much.

**8:23 pm**

We ate lasagna for dinner. Ick. I threw up quite a few times so I didn't have to eat it. So ha! I got to eat crackers for dinner! Happy Nate.

**4:59 am**

Dad came into my room and woke me up. He said, "Get up. We're going to prank Kolya."

So, we went into the guest room and put shaving cream on Kolya's hand and then tickled his nose.

Kolya slapped me and got the cream all over my face. (It was an accident, he meant to hit Alex.)

Then we waited until he was asleep again and then duct taped him to his bed. Too bad so sad for us, he woke up. And we doubted his strength. He escaped rather quickly and Alex and him got in this wicked fight and kept screaming at each other in Norwegian.

Then it got exciting: Dad body-slammed Kolya and he started screaming like a little girl.

Kolya kept screaming, "You fucking asshole! Stop! You're really hurting me!"

And Alexander kept sitting on him. Once Kolya started crying hysterically, Alex got off and said, "You're a bloody crybaby!"

I sat there eating Cool Whip. It was like watching a gladiator fight. Epic win.

Right when I realised that the Cool Whip would go rather nicely with some pie, Kolya screamed, "YOU BROKE MY ARM!"

Indeed he did.

"Ooh, I'm gonna tell on you!" Kolya said and began to get up.

Alex screaming, "NOO!" and grabbed him, putting a make-shift blindfold on him and he tied him up with some rope.

"Sasha Ann!" Kolya yelped, trying to get away.

I laughed. "Your real name is Sasha Ann?"

"Shut up," he barked. "Both of you just shut the fuck up."

This only made Kolya scream louder, so Alexander gagged him with some knickers.

I had to laugh at this. Especially because he got them out of the dirty clothes hamper. Hahah ew.

Then, Dad picked him up and shoved him in the trunk of his car. He was kidnapping him! I laughed. It was really funny.

"Stop laughing and get in the bloody car," Dad yelled at me.

It was pretty scary. He was being all scary. So, I got in the car. I mean, what else was I gonna do? He's my legal guardian slash parent type device.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Hospital," Sasha (hehe) replied.

"… You're driving on the wrong side of the road."

"No."

"You just hit a tree."

"No."

"YOU'RE ON THE SIDEWALK! HOLY SHIT!"

"No."

"Okay… you just crashed into a brick wall…"

"No."

"ARE YOU HIGH?"

"NO!"

"You are! You are!" I gasped. "You're a horrible influence on me, Dad! Shame on you!"

"DON'T TELL ANYONE OR I'LL MURDER YOUR ASS!"

"Calm down. Jesus Christ on ice! Just… let me drive."

Alex thought about it and then nodded. "Okay."

So, we did a Chinese fire drill and I drove the now beat-up car to the hospital after calling Dad a giant lesbian. He even made me stop at a Jack In The Box while I was driving to the hospital. Kolya was in the back like kicking and screaming and the guy at the Jack In The Box drive-thru was obviously stoned out of his fucking mind, because he looks at Kolya and says to me, "Haha, dude, that guy's trying to escape."

Anyway, I parked in the ER parking lot and looked over at Dad. He was asleep!

I punched him really hard in the stomach and he farted, but then said, "Monkey balls!" and got out of the car, untied Kolya, and then carried him into the ER.

Thirty years later, Kolya got a hot pink cast. Sasha slash Dad slash Alex slash Mr. Drug Addict signed it, "Love Sasha." And put a heart on it.

I laughed, but Kolya was not so amused.

You're a clever one, Dad.

**Saturday, October 31**

**9:41 am**

Kolya tattled. Dad got in trouble. He's sitting in time out right now. Jason put him in timeout. Shane is also in timeout for almost dropping his baby out the window.

**10:03 am**

Took a picture of Dad and Shane in timeout. It was way too funny and I figured it would be good for the first page in our family scrapbook.

Alexander got really upset and cried.

He's a cry baby.

Shane went over and punched me in the face.

**10:30 am**

The chef (remind me to learn his name some time) made French toast for breakfast and I threw up on my plate. Becca sent me to bed. My bad.

But the thing is, I'm not tired. At all. I'm going to decorate for Halloween or something. I'm bored.

**11:14 pm**

Went outside to decorate. I was putting orange lights on the bushes and this damn fucking dog came and started barking at Miley, who was outside taking a shit on our front lawn.

I screamed at it, "Shut up, you big lesbian, shut up!"

And then it started barking and charging – AT ME.

So I was like, "Ahh, shit!" and grabbed Miley and started running and screaming at the top of my lungs. I mean, it was a big ass scary dog and I thought it was gonna kill me. Only too bad so sad for me, I tripped over some lights I left lying on the ground and fell over and hit my head really hard on the sidewalk. I don't remember anything else that happened because I blacked out, but I just woke up in my bed and now I have a headache and no one is home.

Fuck.

Oh, and Miley's gone so I hope she's okay. Because deep down inside, I really love that bitch.

**11:18 pm**

I really want to go sleep in Becca's bed. Maybe I'll manipulate her to let me.

**11:20 pm**

I think I hear the garage door opening! Yay! People! I really hope it's Becca because, honestly, right now, everyone else is kinda pissing me off. Especially Dr. Jason. Cause he just flat out sucks.

**11:53 pm**

Everyone came home. Becca came into my room, asked how I was feeling, got me Advil and water, and then told me that everyone went to a party. Without me.

I was like, "Gee, thanks for not letting me go with you."

Becca shrugged and said, "Well, you were sleeping."

"You could have woken me up!"

"Aww, but you looked so cute!"

I just stared at her.

"Look, I took pictures!" And then she whipped out her camera and showed me the pictures she took of me sleeping. They were absolutely embarrassing.

I took her camera, frowned, and then chucked it out of the window, which was conveniently open.

Becca looked really angry and she got on her, "Nate, I'm gonna kick your ass" face and so I had to think quick because she already yelled, "NATHANIEL BERN-" and I didn't want to get grounded and have my computer taken away again.

I clutched my stomach, moaned and said, "Ohhh, I don't feel so good." And then I closed my eyes, laid down, and made sad puppy dog noises.

"Aww, poor baby!" she said, getting her sad baby voice on. Then she hopped in my bed with me, side ambushed me, and kissed the top of my head, stroking my hair. "What's wrong little one? What's wrong?"

"It's my tummy," I complained and fake sniffled.

"How bad is it?"

"Really, really bad!"

Then she said, "Aww, let me kiss you, make it better."

Becca started showering me with kisses and I got really grossed out, so I pushed her away. And then I wiped off all of the lipstick off of my face.

"Do you want some crackers, panda?"

I shook my head.

"Maybe some water?"

I shook my head again.

"Do you want anything at all, sweetie?"

I nodded.

"Well what do you need?"

I just sniffled some more and fake cried, holding on really tight to Becca. She rubbed my back and said, "Shh, shh, it's okay." I wiped away tears that didn't exist and she asked, "Are you okay? Do you want to sleep in my bed?"

Nod. Sniffle. SCORE!

"Okay Natey, get your jimjams on."

I frowned. "Will you get them for me?"

She sighed. "Is your tummy hurting that bad?"

I nodded.

"Aww. I'll get you them then. What kind?"

I gasp. "The dinosaur footies that glow in the dark!" And then I thought about it. Did I really say that out loud? Meh, it's fine, it was just Becca that heard.

She started looking for them, but then said, "Oh, they're still downstairs in the laundry room."

Sad puppy dog face.

"No, no, no, I am not going all the way down there to get them."

Fake puppy dog noises.

"Nate… please… I'm tired."

So I had to settle on the PINK KITTY ones. That _don't_ glow in the dark.

Anyway, after I got in them, I was all happy and warm and then I fake pretended my tummy hurt too bad to walk so Becca carried me all the way to her room. It was quite nice. She's such a push over. I love her.

Now I'm going to sleep. In her bed. Smiley face.

**A\N: Does anyone even read this anymore? Hahah**


	62. I'm Going CRAZYYYY

**Chapter 10**

**Monday, November 2**

**10:35 am**

Last night I slept in Becca's room again, and I woke up in the middle of the night with a really high fever and so Becca went to go get Jason. I kept telling her, "He's not a doctor. He's a dentist. He can't do anything," but she was very persistent and I was way too tired to put up a fight.

So, she got the dentist kid and he didn't do jack shit. What a surprise.

For some reason, Dad came into the room to get something (I don't even know what. Maybe tampons…?) and then there were all these people crowding around me and fussing about me and it really freaked me out. I hate being in places with a lot of people cause I feel all scared and like everyone's gonna eat me.

They all kept touching me and trying to comfort me and I got really scared, so I started crying and just clung onto Becca like a bad hair cut on Miley Cyrus, hyperventilating, and so she told Jason and Alex to go away. They did and then Becca just hugged me and said, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

Through my hysteria, I said, "Too many people."

She looked concerned. "Nate, it was just me, Jason, and Alex."

I started crying even harder and I have no reason why. I think it was a combination of the fever, not feeling well, and the fact that she looked worried.

Becca eventually got me to calm down and I fell asleep again after an hour of crying. I think she thinks I'm crazy or lost my mind or something. But now she's at school so I don't have to deal with her at the moment.

But she did force me to go back to my room.

Oh, ew I just threw up.

And so now I have to sleep in my bland bed. It's so uncomfortable. Even though Becca and I have the same bed, I like hers better.

**10:41 am**

I was trying to go back to bed, but I heard a soft knock on the door and so I look over and see Jason coming into the room. He said, "Hi," softly and sat down on the bed. I pulled the covers over my head and groaned.

"Go away, Jason," I muttered and then got in a coughing fit.

"You don't sound too well," he said.

"I'm fine," I told him. More coughing.

Jason the creeper pulled the covers off of my head and felt my forehead. I slapped his hand away.

"You're still pretty warm…"

"You're still a douche bag."

He scoffed. He doesn't like my humour apparently.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

"Yes."

"What?"

"For you to go away!"

"Fine, fine. I'll go away. But you have to take your medicine first."

"NO I DON'T!" I yelled. And then I coughed a lot again which made me feel dizzy.

Then, Evil Jason forced that disgusting-ass flu medicine down my throat. And not the pill kind; the liquid kind, which is the nastiest crap ever. And then I threw it up all over him (hahaha) so he made me take more, which I threw up on him again. He gave up and just left.

**3:02 pm**

Slept the entire day away. I kinda want the day back. I wish I didn't sleep all day.

**3:04 pm**

I have the constant throwy-upy feeling and it sucks.

Going back in Becca's room.

**5:15 pm**

Oh my god I had the weirdest dream! I had this dream that I was a teacher. Haha, never again.

**5:16 pm**

Tummy is hurting. Thank God Becca is coming home soon. She knows how to make everything better.

**6:43 pm**

Becca came home and first yelled at me for being in her bed even though she made me go back to my room, but then I complained about my tummy again, so she made me soup, which I threw up. Then she just rubbed my tummy until I fell asleep. She's a sweetie. Except she put me back in my bed while I was sleeping. Which is so not cool.

**Dinner**

**7:20 pm**

Still feel throwy-upy but I'm being forced to sit at the table and act like I'm not sick because Mum and Alex are having their fancy famous people friends over for dinner. So now I'm sitting here and Becca keeps whispering, "Don't throw up, don't throw up."

And I keep whispering back, "Yes, Becca, dear! That is the objective here!" Then I realised that rhymed and smirked at my awesomeness.

**7:26 pm**

PUDDING! With whipped cream! Oh my god, epic!

**7:29 pm**

This is pissing me off. The whipped cream is not at the same temperature as the pudding. It makes me want to throw up…

**8:42 pm**

Threw up all over Kolya. He was not too thrilled. And then he said, "THE SECOND MY MUM COMES BACK, I AM LEAVING! YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!"

Then Mum started yelling at me and started calling me a horrible child.

I started crying cause I totally ruined dinner. I could not control myself. I cried so hard I fell on the floor and just started bawling. I went under the table and cried until I couldn't breathe.

Becca had to come under the table and carry me back upstairs because I literally could not move I was crying so hard.

She sat me down on her bed and then said, "What's wrong? Why do you keep having these crazy panic attacks?"

I shook my head, still unable to really breathe.

"Calm down! Calm down! You're going to pass out!" she kept yelling. All it really did was make me cry even harder because I really wasn't in the mood to pass out.

She started rubbing my back and saying, "Shh, panda, shh. It's okay."

I couldn't stop and it was getting a little bit ridiculous. Becca picked me up, went into the loo and started the bathtub and poured all the good-smelling bubble bath in it that she forbade me from using and then plopped me in the tub once it was semi-full.

I have no idea how she did it, but it made me stop crying. Becca is officially magical.

"Better?" she asked.

I nodded and wiped away some tears. Which really did nothing because my hands were wet. It actually kinda made it worse.

Becca frowned. "Honey, what has gotten into you?"

I shook my head. "I don't know." Then I choked on my breathing and sniffled some more.

All she said was, "Hmmm…"

Five minutes later, I had finally calmed down and only sniffled occasionally. Becca got me out of the bathtub and dried me off and stuck me in my jimjams. Now she's making me go to bed. So goodnight.


	63. RIP Miley

**Chapter 11**

**Tuesday, November 3**

**10:11 am**

I haven't seen Miley in a while. I'm thinking of putting up lost dog signs around the neighbourhood. Like legit. Where did she go? I think that mean dog ate her. She's so small and fragile.

**10:15 am**

Now this has got me thinking. I wish I had spent more time with her while she was still alive.

**10:16 am**

Hold up. She isn't dead yet. I don't think. I should really stop crying.

**11:32 am**

Going downstairs for breakfast. I'm feeling much better now and awfully hungry…

**1:58 pm**

Right when I went downstairs, I didn't see anyone, so I went outside to look to see if anyone was out there. When I got outside, I heard barking. Miley!

I yelled, "MILEY!" and started looking for her. She got her collar caught and was stuck in the shrubs! I felt so bad for her so I got her unhooked from the bushes and was gonna bring her inside, but she looked really nasty and covered with feces and she was like foaming at the mouth. It was really gross.

So, I went inside, got a bowl of water and food for her, and then set it outside. She was all like rolling in the grass and being a retarded bitch, so I was like, "Miley… Miley… MILEY!" And she still wouldn't look at me, so I took a handful of her food and threw it at her.

She started barking and running towards me so I screamed and ran in the house real fast like.

Right when I got inside, I was Alex coming in from the garage. He looked at me. "Why are you screaming?"

Only then I realised I was still screaming even though I was inside. So, I stopped. And I said, "Oh, Miley's out there being a disgusting bitch."

He stared at me for a bit and then looked outside at Miley, who was hitting herself against the door which is all window and snapping at her flappy ears.

Stupid retard dog.

**2:43 pm**

Becca came home with a headband for me with cat ears on them. It made me quite happy and they look so cute on me!

**4:20 pm**

I took a bath in Becca's bathtub and while I was in there, I looked at all the girly bath stuff and I got curious. What did it all do? So, I took everything and dumped it all in. Things started bubbling and melting and exploding and I got really really freaked out, so I jumped out as fast as I jumped out as fast as I could, grabbed Becca's bathrobe, put it on, and dashed out of there, only to run into Becca herself!

"Nate? What are you doing? In my room? In my bathrobe?" she inquired.

Deer in the headlights pose.

Then, she peeked her head into the loo and back at me. "Did you use ALL of my bath stuff?" I was too scared to respond. "NATHANIEL BER-"

I started bawling. I had no other option. I was caught red-handed and if I was going to get off easy, it was time to cry.

So, I did. I cried and cried and cried.

After about five minutes, Becca stopped yelling and got on her worried face.

"Nate? Sweetie? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

I could not stop. It was the weirdest thing. I was hysterical over literally nothing.

Becca laid me down in her bed and kept saying, "Calm… calm… calm…"

Eventually, I passed the hyperventilation phase and go into the sniffly stage.

She kept hugging me and we just sat there until I stopped crying.

"Better?" Becca asked.

I nodded. "Yes."

"Do you want lunch? Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. And I really want pasta."

"Alright, Panda. I'll have Victor make you some."

"Who the hell is Victor?"

"… Our chef?"

"THAT'S HIS NAME?"

"… Yeah."

And then she stared at me for a bit and went downstairs.

SCORE! I got out of trouble AND pasta! Oh, and I finally figured out that dude's name!

**11:36 pm**

Today was a very, very dark day.

I shot Miley. With a gun. And I know I sound like a horrible, horrible person, but I had to.

When we went downstairs for lunch, Miley was still slamming herself against the window and barking and growling. Jason came home and saw her. Turns out, she had Rabies and we had to kill her.

Jason was like, "I'm sorry Nate, I really really am."

I ran outside. I had a plan made up in my mind: I was going to run outside, grab Miley, and run away to Guatemala. Well, I ran outside and started calling for Miley. Becca and Jason yelled at me to get back inside, but I flipped them off and then saw Miley running towards me.

She started barking and then jumped up, bit my arm really hard, and didn't let go.

"Bloody hell! Bloody hell!" I started screaming.

Miley eventually let go and I ran over to the door. When I tried to go inside, Jason said,

"No, you've been infected with Rabies! Take the gun and shoot her!"

Then he threw the gun in the grass next to me, quickly closed the door, and locked it.

I didn't pick up the gun; I froze.

"You have to shoot her!" Jason yelled from inside the house.

"No!" I yelled back. "I love her!"

"If you really loved her, you would do it. She's in so much pain, Nate. Don't you know what happens when you get rabies?"

"No!"

"Well, you're about to find out if you don't shoot her already so we can get you to a hospital!"

"Why don't you shoot her?"

"And get blood on my new Juicy jacket? Yeah, right!"

"HOMO!" I yelled, hitting my fist on the glass door.

"For God's sake, Nate! Shoot the fucking dog! It's just a bloody dog! I'll buy you a new one!"

That's when I realised just how much I actually love Miley. All those days we spent together, all those things we did together. I looked at her. She really did look miserable. So, I finally picked up the gun. "I love you, Miley."

And that's how I killed my own dog.

It was terrifying and scarring and I'll probably have many nightmares tonight.

I was trembling when I went inside. Did I really just do that?

Becca immediately glomped me. She kept running her hands through my hair and saying, "It's gonna be okay. I promise."

I was expecting myself to be on the floor bawling my eyes out, but I guess I was in too much shock to cry.

"We have to go," Jason said.

Becca de-glomped me and she and Jason got their coats on. I couldn't move. I stayed exactly where I was. I felt like my feet were glued to the floor.

"Nate?" asked Becca. I looked up. "You coming?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out.

She tugged gently on my arm. "Nate, we have to go."

No movement.

Jason and Becca exchanged glances and silently. Jason picked me up, and carried me into the car. Becca sat down with me in the back and let me lean my head on her shoulder.

The car ride was silent until we got out of the neighbourhood and Becca whispered to me, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I nodded. But I still didn't say anything.

"Are you scared?"

"Of what?"

She shrugged. "You know…"

"No, I don't."

And I thought about it.

And thought about it.

And thought about it.

Then I remembered that one episode of House where some greasy hobo bit one of the doctors and she had rabies and he had to get a rabies shot. And it was big and scary.

My eyes widened. "SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!"

"Becca!" Jason scolded. "You ruined it!"

"I'm sorry!" she cried.

"STOP THE CAR!" I scream at the top of my lungs. I unbuckled my seatbelt. There was no way in hell I was getting a giant needle stuck in me. Rabies shot can kiss my ass!

Jason did not stop the car, however. He locked the doors and Becca grabbed me and held on for dear life.

I kicked and screamed but there was no way to escape her clutches. She was way too strong. So, I bit her. I bit her hard enough for her to start bleeding, but she still didn't let go.

When I finally let go, she yelled, "I cannot believe you just bit me!"

"You deserved it," I replied bitterly.

Then she did something I least expected: She kissed me on the head and said, "I know. I'm sorry."

What was this? Niceness? I just gave her rabies and SHE apologized?

I was in shock all over again. Whaaaatt?

Jason stopped the car once we got to the emergency room and Becca carried me in. Because there was no way I was going to willingly walk in there to be tortured. But luckily for Becca, I didn't put up a huge fight. I knew that no matter what I did, someone was gonna get me in there anyway, so why waste my energy? I mean, there was a little bit of hitting and crying and pouting, but it wasn't my best.

Becca cradled me like a baby the entire time we were in the waiting room and about ten million years later, we finally went into another room.

Shit was flipped.

Right when I saw that needle sitting there on that tray, I literally just started bawling. Becca tried to hush me, but I was crying too hard.

Since I bit Becca, she had to get a shot too. And she went first to show me that it "didn't hurt."

I specifically remember her crying.

Jason was like, "Oh my god, way to go. Now he'll never do it."

I ran and ran and ran as fast as I could but they caught me and after I ran around the entire hospital, screaming, they dragged me back to the evil room with the giant needle.

They had to give me drugs to calm me down. It was so terrifying. And it hurt a lot. Really bad. I clawed the hell out of Becca's hand cause she held my hand while I got the frikkin shot. Poor Becca. But more importantly, poor me.

My stomach still hurts from where I got stabbed by a needle longer than my arm. My heart hurts from where it was ripped out by the pain of losing my Miley. Little Becca has been doing nice things for me ever since we got back from the hospital. Which I guess she should because I am lying in my bed of darkness and despair.

Now where is my ice cream sandwich…

**12:27 am**

Can't sleep.

**12:28 am**

YAY! Becca found my panda! His name is Mr. Panda Mc Panda Pants.

Shut up, I named him when I was four.

**12:30 am**

Pandas just make everything better. I held my panda really tight and felt better instantly.

**12:31 am**

Yeah, okay, I'm tired. Night.


	64. I Am A Cat Meow

**Chapter 12**

**Wednesday, November 4**

**9:24 am**

People, for the most part, have already taken down all of their Halloween decorations and that makes me sad because I didn't get a Halloween this year.

Becca is staying home from school with me for today because I gave her rabies, but she's going back tomorrow and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

Mope, I guess.

**10:08 am**

Haven't gotten out of Becca's bed, haven't talked to anyone.

Jason came in the room and I crawled under the bed and didn't come out until he left. Whenever he's around, things just get worse.

He wanted to talk to me about my feelings because he likes to believe that he doesn't have a big black hole for a heart, but I wasn't about to talk to that prick. Therefore, hiding under the bed like Pierre the cat used to do when we tried to take him to the vet was a good idea.

**10:12 am**

Jason's here. Going back under the bed.

**10:44 am**

Jason wasted thirty minutes of the day trying to get me out from under the bed.

He was like, "Nate, please come out from there. Talking it out is good!"

Because I am refusing to talk for the rest of my life in grieving for Miley, I just barked at him.

He left for a bit and came back two minutes later with a long stick and he started poking me with it!

After like a minute of this, I grabbed the stick and started poking _him_ with it.

"Ow! Ow!" he yelled. "Stop it, Nate!"

I whacked him in the head with it and then threw it across the room.

He left the room and returned with an icepack on his head and a cat toy that was a feather and a jingle bell on a long rod thing.

Jason started waving it around by my head and it started making a jingly noise. Did he really think I was a cat? I mean, what was the point of this? To piss me off so much that I come out from under his bed to kick his ass?

Dr. Asshole kept tickling my face with the feather and that only made me go further under the bed. I started hissing at him.

"Come on Nate… I have pasta!" he bargained.

Then, Becca walked in the room and waved a bag of gummy dinosaurs. Gummy. DINOSAURS.

I couldn't resist. I crawled out of there as fast as I could, grabbed the bag, and dashed into the loo, locking the door.

"Great," I heard Jason say.

Becca said, "Why the hell do you care anyway, Jason? If he wants to be alone, let him."

Dear Becca: I love you. You get it.

**7:05 pm**

Fell asleep on the polar bear rug in the loo. And yes, it's real. My mum is fancy. It was very warm and comforting and inviting, so I took a nap on it.

I just woke up when Becca knocked on the door and said, "Nate? Make some sort of noise if you're okay."

I hit my foot on the door.

"Okay, good," she replied and then left.

Now I'm really bored. I'm gonna go eat dinner or something.

**8:34 pm**

Went downstairs and saw everyone eating dinner. I was gonna say, "Gee thanks for inviting me, assholes," but then I remembered that I wasn't talking for the whole rest of my life and just sat down at the table.

Victor handed me a plate with a fancy-shmancy looking piece of chicken with leafy green crap on it. I just pushed it away and slammed my head down on the table. "Ughh!"

"He speaketh!" Jason exclaimed.

I don't know why he added the 'eth' to the end of 'speak.' Maybe he wants to be Shakespeare or something, who knows?

I just scoffed at him.

Becca asked, "Nate, why aren't you eating?"

I sighed really loud.

"He's such a picky eater," sneered Jason. "Can't appreciate a good meal." Then he turned to Victor. "Can you make something simple? Like mac and cheese or a hot dog?"

Hot dog? HOT DOG? Does he not realise how sensitive I am? HOT DOG?

I burst out in tears. I had completely forgotten all about the whole shooting my dog thing and he had just reminded me.

Becca came running to my side. "Jason, how could you?" she sat in the empty chair next to me and hugged me tight, letting me cry into her sweater.

"What did I do?" Jason defended.

"Are you serious, Jason? Hot DOG?"

"Ohh…"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jason!" she yelled. (First time I've ever heard her swear at someone.) "You can't fucking say these things! Poor little Nate!" Then she cradled me. "Goddamn it! Do you see what you do, Jason? This is all your fault!"

Jason actually looked hurt. It was amazing! You go, Becca!

She kissed my head. "Come on, sweetheart, let's go upstairs and eat gummy dinos."

DINOSAURS THAT ARE GUMMY!

I stopped crying. How is she so good at being nice?

Becca smiled at the fact that I stopped crying and then brought me upstairs. She sat me down on her bed and got a package of gummy dinosaurs out from her purse. I nearly tore her hand off grabbing for them, and I gobbled the first dino up. Yummy!

"Better?"

I nodded enthusiastically and shoved five more dinos in my mouth.

Becca laughed. "You're adorable. Can I please eat you?"

I shook my head, smiling. Becca is such a cutie!

So, I spoke. I mean, I had to. It was a cute moment!

"Rawr. It means I 'I love you' in dinosaur."

She smiled. "Rawr." Then she stole a dinosaur, but that's okay because I love her. "What kind of dinosaur are you?"

I dug through the bag until I found a green three-horn. "This one." I handed it to her.

Becca handed me a longneck. (Kill me, I don't know what it's actually called.) "I'm this one."

Our adorable moment was, well, adorable. It was the first time I was actually happy in a while.

But then of course Jason had to come in and be a moment ruiner.

He barges himself in here and sees that we were eating dinosaur gummies. And – get this – he says, "Nate, I don't want you eating any more sugar. Your teeth already have about twenty billion cavities, do you want more?"

Becca and I just rolled our eyes at him.

Moment. Ruiner.

Ruiner of moments.

I made sure to shove like ten in my mouth before he left.

What a scrub.

**9:23 pm**

Whitney came over because Jason forced her to get my make-up work from school. Jason is now forcing me to sit at the table and do it while he watches me to make sure I do in fact do my work. But right now I'm not. Hehehehe. He's reading the newspaper and I'm throwing eraser shavings in his hair.

**9:36 pm**

This is amazing. He still doesn't know why I'm snickering like a crazy person. I've managed to convince him it's this word problem for maths, but I think he's a tick suspicious.

**9:48 pm**

He found out and now I'm in timeout. Eff emm ell.

**9:50 pm**

Shane just took a picture of me. I'll have to print it out and put it in the scrapbook.

Oooh, we should put Jason in timeout.

**10:13 pm**

Alexander came into my room. "You like dinosaurs, jah?"

"_Jah,_" I mocked him, nodding.

He left and returned about thirty seconds later with a stegosaurus action figure thing. "Sorry about your cat. Have a dinosaur."

He tossed it to me and missed epically, hitting me in the face with the spiky part of the dinosaur. I frowned. "Okay, first of all, Miley was a dog. Learn English, you dumbass!" I picked up the dinosaur and threw it at him as hard as I could. "And secondly, I HATE stegosauruses! They can kiss my ass!"  
He got all teary-eyed (mostly because I nailed him right in the head), took the dinosaur, and left.

On my list of ten things to do before I die, I can cross off "become and angry teenager!"


	65. Norwegia

**Chapter 13**

**Monday, November 9**

**9:28 am**

Our school blew up.

The funny part is I'm not even joking.

We can only thank one person for this gift from baby Jesus: Shane.

Last night he got high and broke into the school and then used all of the chemicals in the chemistry lab and lit them all on fire. AND BAM. The school exploded and was blown into smithereens. (Don't worry, Shane is fine except for the second degree burns all over his body.)

Shane is officially my new hero. NO SCHOOL!

**10:36 am**

My eye is burning. I was chewing minty gum and I wrapped it around my finger and then put it back in my mouth. Then my eye was hurting because an eyelash was curling into my eyeball so I tried to get it out but got minty-ness in my eye and now it hurts. Sad panda.

**12:15 pm**

Went to the store because I was really bored. I bought a Rolling Stone magazine. Too bad so sad for me, it was the one with those Jonas Brothers on it. I was looking though it in disgust and then saw the sexiest poster ever of Nick Jonas.

Holy God.

That picture of him where he's laying on the floor and it's in black and white and he has this really serious look on his face… OH MY GOD. I pretty much jizzed myself. I hung it up on my wall right above my trashcan.

**12:43 pm**

Found out that Girl Scouts are selling their meth – I mean, cookies – outside of Target. I decided to go get some.

I ended up buying all of their boxes. And when I say all of them, I mean all of the boxes that were in the back of all three soccer mum's cars.

Can't wait to eat them all tonight!

**1:38 pm**

I cannot believe this.

I went into Target to get some milk and somebody broke into my car AND STOLE HALF OF MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

I know that losing half of my stash is tragic and all, but what MORONS. I had ten thousand dollars lying on the passenger seat and it's all still there. Only the cookies are missing. What the fuck.

**4:51 pm**

Becca is so happy she's getting paid for not working. She was just jumping on the trampoline and she HATES FUN.

**4:56 pm**

I'm so sad. I really really miss Miley. Really bad. I'm crying.

**5:05 pm**

Mummy walked in on me crying. She said, "Don't be sad, little one. Don't be sad. I'll make you something yummy!"

She came back about two minutes later with a bagel. It was gross so I threw it in the trash, only I missed and it hit the Nick Jonas poster in the face. It was hysterical because he has this extremely serious face on and I just got cream cheese all over it. Just think about it. Hysterical.

I couldn't control myself. I laughed so hard that I fell off of my bed and rolled all over some cookies I dropped earlier, smashing them into the carpet.

**5:17 pm**

Going to jump on the trampoline with Becca!

**5:34 pm**

Becca and I ate two boxes of cookies and had five sodas and then jumped on the trampoline. It was so much fun! I'm so hyper!

I also rolled around in a patch of mud. It was super fun!

Yummy yummy cookies!

**8:20 pm**

Sick.

Becca made me take a bath because I was covered in mud. I turned on the jets and then threw up in her bathtub. It was excessively nasty.

I just kinda sat there and then started crying. Becca ran in the room because she heard me crying and she made me take a shower so I could get the vomit off of myself.

Now I feel horrible and I'm shivering in Becca's bed. She's making me tea.

Wait why am I shivering…?

**9:37 pm**

I want some popcorn.

**10:26 pm**

Dad\Alex\Sasha has decided that we need to take a family vacation to Norway because we have a break due to the fact that there's no school. Legitimately _no_ school. Haha.

**Tuesday, November 10**

**6:30 am**

Still awake. Haven't slept yet. I was up all night with Becca because I don't feel well. Sad face sad face sad face.

Where is my panda?

**6:54 am**

Just hysterically laughed at The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I must be sicker than I thought.

**8:03 am**

Wiped a baby wipe on my mirror because it was dusty. Now it has a giant streak on it. Fucckkkk.

**2:57 pm**

Slept all day. It felt amazing. I drooled all over Becca's pillow. Hah hahhity hah hah hah.

**Five seconds later**

Hah.

**4:32 pm**

Nick Jonas just called me.

I was sleeping and then my phone started screaming out the song "Bedrock" so I answered it groggily.

"Hello?" I mumbled confused after looking at the caller ID.

"Natalie?" Nick asks.

"What the fuck?"

"Oh, I must have called the wrong number. I'm sorry."

"You woke me up."

"Huh?"

"YOU WOKE ME UP, FAGGOT."

"I said sorry-"

"IF YOU EVER WAKE ME UP AGAIN, I'M GOING TO FIND WHERE YOU LIVE, BREAK INTO YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW, AND TAKE ONE OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING GOLF CLUBS AND BEAT THE DIABETES OUT OF YOU, YOU GOT THAT?"

He hung up.

**5:03 pm**

**Dinner**

Alex bought us plane tickets to Norway for tomorrow. What's even in Norway anyway?

I bet there's a lot of fucking shit there.

I'm tired.

**5:20 pm**

Ohmygod Sasha's trying to be my friend.

He barges into my room while I'm putting on my jimjams and asks, "What ees… a twatter?"

I stare at him. "A twatter?"

"Jah."

"A vagina?"

"No, no, thees," and he hands me his laptop. At first I thought it was going to be a website full of vaginas, which then I would vomit all over his face, but it was just Twitter.

"That's _Twitter_," I tell him. "It's not a vagina."

"_Tweeter_?"

"No. Twitter. With an 'I.'"

Then for the next five minutes he attempted to say "Twitter" correctly and I pushed him out of my room and slammed the door.

**8:11 pm**

Mum and I are talking about the good ol' days. With Pierre the cat and the PPA's and when she turned into the Hulk and broke one of our trees.

God I miss those days. I miss them a lot. Now life sucks. I want to die.

**Wednesday, November 11**

**4:15 am**

Holy God. Holy shit. Holy fucksicles on ice, how am I breathing right now? It's four in the morning and I just got woken up to go to the airport. I think I just had a stroke.

**7:11 am**

Our flight is at 7:15. Mum is in the middle of the terminal screaming, "I'M NOT GOING ON A PUBLIC PLANE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! THERE ARE MEXICANS ON THOSE PLANES! DIRTY, GREASY, FAT, UGLY MEXICANS. AND POOR PEOPLE. I HATE POOR PEOPLE! I WILL NOT LOWER MY STANDARD OF LIVING, ALEX, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, YOU CANT'!"

Sasha is calmly trying to make her stop yelling because people are staring. Becca is hiding her face in her jacket. Jason is hitting his head on the wall. Shane is tripping out, talking to a poster of Texas he bought. Mitchie is rubbing her tits. I'm babysitting Autumn.

Why does this always happen to me?

**7:18 am**

We made it on the plane. Mum, however, is not with us. She got on the plane, sat down, and then saw a "poor greasy nasty gypsy hooker woman" and yelled, "See you later, faggots!" and dashed off the plane.

She's getting a private jet to take her at noon.

God I love my mum.

**3:21 pm**

Autumn has been crying for the past two and a half hours. I've been trying to sleep because I feel like the Grim Reaper himself has summoned me to die on this plane. I have a migraine. I want to go home. I hate my life. Please please kill me. Please.

**4:49 pm**

Now I am crying. And it's not helping with the headache situation.

**5:25 pm**

GET ME OFF OF THIS PLANE.

**8:18 pm**

Almost fell asleep but then I caught myself snoring and woke myself up. How un-sexy of me.

**Land of the confused**

**What time is it?**

We just landed. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what my name is. I don't know which way is down or which way is up. I feel like I'm lost in my own mind. Am I really alive?

**Later**

I am a cat.

What takes people so long to get off of a fucking airplane?

**At Sasha's reindeer farm. Yes, you heard me correctly, a reindeer farm.**

Who the fuck owns reindeer? (Besides Santa, of course. Maybe he lives in Norway?)

Today was the biggest waste of a day in the history of my life. Becca had to give me sleeping pills so I would sleep and then I passed out within two minutes. It was the best sleep of my life. I was so exhausted when she woke me up that I fell asleep again and she had to carry me off of the plane. Which must have been a bitch seeing as she also had to take my bags and her bags and stuff.

Wow, she's such a good sister. Awwww. Smiley face.

I faintly remember waking up while we were waiting for our big suitcases we checked. Becca had put me on the floor like I was a dog or something. But at least she put her puffy coat down where she set me so I wasn't touching cold, poor people floor.

Mitchie and Shane took Autumn and ran off after announcing that they were going to "fuck some Norwegian shit up."

Alex had no idea what they said, so he just said "Jah! Phone me when you try find house, jah?"

Becca laughed.

I smiled but then tried not to because if they knew I was awake they would make me walk. Which I was not doing.

After Sasha accidently hit me in the face with his suitcase, I screamed "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!" and then Becca no longer carried me. I had the walk the rest of the time we were there. Which was the longest hour of my life.

They lost one of my bags. Then we were waiting outside in the freezing cold for the limo to come pick us up, but it never showed up. Once I lost all feeling in my fingers and toes, Sasha bitched to some people and we pretty much hitch hiked to his house.

I've never felt more like a peasant in my life. I felt like my rich-osity was ripped out of me and I had become a poor farmer or some shit. It was awful. I was cold and I was tired and I was wet and I was stressed. And I was POOR.


End file.
